Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

Morning,

Cried myself to sleep last night........... :(

I think this passport thing really upset me as it was always my dream to travel more (which i intend to do now) but he wasn't really interested, Europe maybe but not farther afield.....

Just the thought of him going somewhere with her that he wouldn't go with me mad me really sad :( like I wasn't fun to be with IYKWIM.

Roxy, what you described is exactly right...the feeling that they are having this wonderful exciting time, while i am here in pain trying to rebuild my life because of their actions is sometimes too much to bear......

He will have some money now as he has had two bathroom fits in the last month......and has another two booked for April...... no big bills to pay etc except his Direct Directs.......he has the life of Riley at the moment....

Hi Starting

One of the reasons why it is good to have no contact is so that you don't have to know about how he is moving on ... and you just concentrate on moving on yourself

Please give him a final ultimatum on his stuff - get it by Sunday or it is going to the tip (and mean it!!)

Did you get the locks changed? (even get front lock swapped with back door? or add a new one to the ones you have)

The fact that he didn't want to go travelling with you doesn't mean that you weren't fun to be with - just that he was a boring fart! :)

xx

Starting. Sorry to hear you are having a blip . Perfectly normal and understandable. BUT as all the other wise posters have said, he can't and won't change in the long run. Think about the beginning of your relationship when things were new and exciting. Try to decide the first time you felt irritated/bored/sidelined/disappointed in him? 6 months? A year? Now believe me that however long it took him to become the boring twat you have described, he will revert twice as fast this time. He is older and more set in his ways and habits. If he seems 'fun' to he OW at the moment, it is because he is making a monumental effort to stay in her good books now that he has had the shock of realising that he has no Plan B to fall back on. He will not be able to sustain the happy carefree facade, as this is not who he is.

And FWIW whether he is going away with her or not (and i do agree he may just want his passport because its his passport), take heart, sooner or later she will see him for what he is, and possibly she will seem less alluring to him as well. This is all early days fantasy - he hasn't hit reality yet.

Start thinking about where IN THE WORLD you would like to go . And finally imagine being at some dream destination with him in tow ruining it all by moaning and winging about everything. She is welcome to him.

Keep going Starting.

I am trying to think about all the ways he was a PITA and how he hurt me.....but since last night I'm feeling quite low ....shame really as i was feeling quite good this week....

Last night it seemed to hit me all over again....... the fear that i had when this first happened....fear of being on my own, fear of failing, of never being able to love again...

I think next week as well as looking for work i must concentrate on building new relationships...what's making this so hard is that i dont have a large pool of friends to call on..... :(

Pinkwellies has been great, and i have had some great conversations with Liarswife! but other than that its just my brother who lives in London and has family, work etc....I saw him last saturday and hes coming down on Sunday....but sometimes you just need a hug IYKWIM and i always got that from him :(

I will get over this I know but at the moment it seems so hard...........:(

I didn't see you OP but am so happy to read this lovely, brave, positive post. Well done. It actually made me feel quite teary with admiration for you. Go girl!

Start planning where you first adventure overseas will be. It might have to wait until you've got the job to pay for it, but the planning is part of the fun.

He might just want his passport for ID purposes, if he's setting up a new account or something.

Hope you feel better again soon Starting... you have been doing so fantastically well!

Hi All,

I'm trying to be positive but since yesterday night i seem to have got really down again..... :(

Feeling very blue at the moment......i think for the last few weeks i have been doing things on autopilot........and now the reality has really sunk in that this is it for now.....me alone trying to rebuild my life....and im scared :(

EXDP was my everything friend, lover, partner, family the lot and now he has gone.....i feel like i've lost everything really........ :( and what really hurts is that he is getting on with his new life making plans, being happy.......trying to blame me for our break up (I didn't listen to him, didn't appreciate him etc) whilst i am bereft, devastated and alone......

I hate my life at the moment......i DO know things will get better in time.....but Im feeling that i have such a hard road in front on me...and its overwhelming :(

You're not 'rebuilding' your life as much as creating a brand new way of living for yourself. The transition can be scary but the rewards that come from personal empowerment are well worth any temporary fear of failure.

Have a good weep and know that the tears you shed are merely reflecting a desire to cling to an old familiar way of life which, if you are brutally honest, you know wasn't serving any useful purpose.

I'm glad you are seeing Pinkwellies and you won't be alone tonight .. hope she can help .. and get that cv out to companies .. you need something to keep your brain busy. hang on in there things will get better xx

Izzy, our relationship had some problems as you say but it was 'home' to me and i felt safe and loved within it...until now

To have the rug pulled from beneath you and the one person who said 'I love you' every day and was pretty much my constant companion... to change to barely acknowledging your presence is brutally cruel and very hard to deal with....

Im wallowing i know.......but im feeling crappy at the mo!

Thanks Liarswife........ i really really hope so.... i so want to get over this... this setback has hit me when i wasn't expecting it !

Starting, he doesnt really think that.

He is selfish.

He knows he has behaved very badly.

So the shitty part of him wants himself to feel better, not you.

(Of course he wants you to feel better, but only so he loses his guilt).

The upshot of all that is that he has to blame you, in order to live with himself. Because he hasnt behaved honourably or responsibly.

my first post...
It has been a month now since my husband and partner of 24 years walked out.Just an hour before he left he said "how could I even think of accusing him of seeing someone else" and that it had cut him in half.
A couple of days later after hacking into his hotmail , I found out that he had been with her all that day, in bed!
The emails she had sent him were pure filth, sexually explicit and quite sickening. I had no idea.
I trusted him completely and thought that I would be spending the rest of my life with him. We had planned holidays and the future. When I asked him about this he said well yes of course he wanted to go on holiday....we were planning day trips. I cannot understand why, if he didn't want to be with me he was still planning ahead?
He has not spoken to my daughter for a month now and she cannot understand why or what she has done to deserve this.
I will never have him back and life at the moment is all ups and downs but after reading posts on here, I can see that things do get better in time. there are so many questions I want answered but will probably never get to the truth

FNT.....my ration mind understands this..... but my heart needs to catch up......................

MrsGorgeous...Love the name!!..... Im so sorry... unbelievable isnt it how they can lie and lie and without any remorse...i got the usual i love you kisses as he left for work that morning that evening hes out the door without looking back!

I know the feeling of thinking that your life is mapped out....together... and for that to be shattered by his lies and deceit its awful, cruel and very painful....

To not contact his daughter for a month is absolutely unforgivable, i can understand your feelings of longing for answers but unfortunately these men are liars and we cant believe a word that they say...they have proved this!

I also know that things will get better in time....i just wish i could bring the clock forward a few months :)

I just feel that I have been married to a stranger and all the time he was sleeping with her. Believe me, the emails she sent him were disgusting. To top that she holds down a responsible job in a school !
He told me that he was ill because he was in pain "down below" but the doctor had ruled out testicular and prostrate cancer....and all the time the only reason he was in pain because he was at it like a rabbit! How sick is that?
At first I wanted to do them both a lot of damage ,but at the end of the day, I don't want her to think that she has something I want or for him to think he is worth fighting over.....they are both scum and karma will come looking for them one day.
BTW, I did post some of her emails on Facebook and forwarded one on to the head teacher at her school :-D

Morning Starting how was your night with pinkwellies

hope the beach clean is fun today xx

well done Mrsgorgeous. I would have done exactly that too. Hope she squirmed!

Hi karma Mrsgorgeous started her own thread.. can't do the link on my phone but you should be able to search for it

Morning!....

What a day yesterday.....feeling very down....then had a wonderful night out with Pinkwellies ate a whole Pizza and even had a few laughs!! :)

Then.......about 11.30 got a text from EXDP (i think his OW typed it as it isnt worded like him IYKWIM)...it was in reply to my earlier text asking him to give me a date when he could empty the garage of his stuff and when he could let me have some money for the bills which we ran up together while he lived in the house. Gas electricity etc...he had agreed to give me some money for this ...he was going to give me half...my text was polite and non demanding....this is what i got back.......

'With all due respect we r over and i am in a relationship. You and your bills r to b paid by u and u alone. Get a job. I have a new life elsewhere and i wil not pay for two lifes. That is common sense. Speak to a solicitor and have a divi up on r combined assets. U r not my responsibility. It is over. Over. Your gud on computers so look up psi etc... Any jobs u need doing look up rated people. I will not b paying anything of your bills. I wont b doing the loft r any jobs for u in a house you r sitting in. Its over. People divorce with less feeling of entitlement. You r out of my life. End of story.'

Nice huh?

That is appalling.

I don't care if she composed it. He sent it. He is an utter bastard.

Harden your heart - and try to stay strong.

Charming eh

Now you know you know you can bin the rest of his stuff (or ebay these and keep the money) without remorse.

Glad you had a good evening though.

First it upset me, then I felt a little frightened.....but now im just angry....the OW has typed that (with some encouragement from him no doubt)....he obviously hasn't told her about all the hours and travelling i put into my work to pay for him to be at home doing very slow DIY for FOUR years....

Or the Mercedes i put a deposit down on for him and the payments which mostly I made (as he wasnt working) or the holidays we had funded by MY job... or the money i invested in his business set up..... he got a lot more from the relationship financially than what i ever got....and now because i haven't worked for the last eight months (which is what he wanted as we were going to try for DC's) she seems to think that i am an lazy sponger.....

In a funny way that text is the best thing that has happened in the last four weeks :) ......i honestly feel like 'what a c**t- she really is welcome to him 'and he to her .... she sounds like a right bunny boiler! :) :)

and what did you do with the passport? Hope you binned that too.