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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
KirstyWirsty · 13/05/2012 16:20

Hi Starting please re read your threads and remind yourself why you are better off without this man.. He only cares for himself and you can do so much better. Call me anytime xx

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 13/05/2012 18:13

you are a decent human being, that is why you feel guilty, but please dont.

He doesnt deserve it.

Original poster
startingagain88 · 13/05/2012 18:27

Hi All !:)

Thank you all for your kicks up the arse :) , it was what i needed!!

I was feeling really resolute up until last night when i started to feel myself weaken, this morning i thought about all what he had done and got my strength back....

He wanted to meet so i said yes, because i wanted him to dig himself a bigger hole, met him a pub (he drunk lemonade :) ) he paid for lunch, god he told so many lies ill list them.......

1.OW has gone back to Ireland- more later
2.OW was an alcoholic and he couldn't stand it- lies!
3.He didn't love OW- he told me he did!
4.He loves me- he told me he didn't!
5.He made a mistake in leaving- that's not what he said before!
6.He is in AA- bullshit!
7.He is not making any money- crap! he has been working pretty much solidly over the last ten weeks
etc etc too many more to mention

Basically he gave me the biggest sob story ever, i said i didn't believe him, told him im getting myself back on my feet, he didn't like that.

He told me that the OW was a mess and he finished it with her, she had gone back to Ireland- i didn't believe any of this and said so, what i think is that she has dumped him, and he is panicking as he has nowhere to go, so he either wants to stay with me or wants money,so he trying the AA story and needing my help as a way in, the friend he is staying with at the moment has been to AA and so he can get all the tips from him and feed them to me!!

When i met with him, i was in control and kept saying to him he was a liar,i didn't believe him and he needed to be honest. i actually feel really good now, i feel peaceful and calm and i KNOW that my instincts were right, he is a LIAR and a CHEAT.

On with my life :)

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 13/05/2012 18:29

Hi starting.

More important than even love, is respect. Hand on heart can you honestly say that this man has shown you one ounce of respect? Or behaved in a way that leaves you with any respect for him?

Next to respect, in terms of the important qualities for a relationship to thrive, is trust. Not only trust that he won't cheat on you, but being able to trust him with your feelings, with your soul, and to know that those things are safe with him, that he won't use his knowledge of them to harm you.

When you have true love, respect and trust are a given. Someone who loves you will respect you and you would be able to trust him. Someone who loves you, won't lie to you, actively deceive you and try to extort money from you. If he loved you, those things would never have been done to you, by him.

If you took him back, you might feel temporary relief that it was all over - but it would be an illusion. Imagine the reality of your life, if you let him back in. You know that he lies, you know that he cheats, you know that your money is of far more importance to him that anything else about you. You are a clever woman and deep down you know who he really is - he has shown you very clearly.

Stay strong. If you must, then tell him to sort his life out - get sober, find a home of his own and earn his own money and then you will talk to him, because, at that point he will be coming to you as someone who wants you and not the easy life you represent. Personally, I would never be able to trust him again and wouldn't want him. I think you will find that if you get some distance from him, you will not want him either. You really do deserve better.

fedupofnamechanging · 13/05/2012 18:30

X posted with you starting. Well done.

Now, no more contact. Block him from your phone.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 18:34

so...that is the end of any more cosy lunches with him, yes ?

you are playing a dangerous game, no matter how much you congratulate yourself on getting the gen on his disastrous life

you are still in the dance, as much as you would deny it

Original poster
startingagain88 · 13/05/2012 18:35

Thanks Karma :) , I think what has been hard about this is the way he has changed, he wasn't always like this and that has been hard to accept. I understand now that the man i once loved has gone forever never to return.

OP posts:
Original poster
startingagain88 · 13/05/2012 18:39

Any, no more lunches x, i hadn't actually seen him for some time until he turned up on Friday.

OP posts:
midwife99 · 13/05/2012 18:44

Please don't meet him again. Please don't reply to any calls or texts. Distance is the only way you will avoid slipping back into a relationship with him.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 18:54

he "turned up" and you decided it was a good idea to head off for lunch with him ?

wake up, love

Original poster
startingagain88 · 13/05/2012 18:59

Any, no he turned up on Friday night when I had to gatekeep, he wanted to stay!!

Today i agreed to meet with him as i wanted to draw a line under all his lies, i have, he knows that x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 19:03

ok, thanks for clarifying there were 48 hours between your contacts

tbh, though, that meant you had 48 hours to change your mind and tell him you were not interested in hearing what he is up to

you are still being manipulated, in the guise of you thinking you are in control

look at the major wobble you had....is that a coincidence ?

KirstyWirsty · 13/05/2012 19:26

Come on guys.. give Starting a break.. she feels as though she has won a victory and you are all raining on her parade a bit.

Starting doesn't want him back although i do suspect that she enjoys him getting in contact and that's why she doesn't want to change her number .. but i do think she sees what he is now and there is no going back xx

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 19:33

kirsty, lovely thoughts that we go easy on starting

we are, but...

that "parade" will feel like a funeral procession if she starts letting him get back under her skin, which he did, by her own admission

she let him do that...nobody else

personally, if this were me I would be kicking myself for engaging again and giving him any insight into my own life

as it is, if Op thinks she has won some kind of "victory" by seeing him brought low she needs to think about how that got her wavering and guilt-tripping

if she gives him enough opportunities to do that, he will have his feet back under the table before she can say "do you want some cheese with that whine"

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 13/05/2012 19:53

starting please dont meet him again, he has a way to make you feel guilty - when you did nothing wrong. Dont forget that.

He deserves nothing from you.

Get on with your new life, without him, you will make new friends, contact the one who wanted you to go sailing and get it organised!

Helltotheno · 13/05/2012 19:55

starting I hope you made it absolutely crystal clear to him that he won't be getting any money from you, now or in the future? Please say you did....

KirstyWirsty · 13/05/2012 20:18

Hi AF I totally hear you.. No contact apart from handovers is the only thing that gets me through.. I just think it is hard when you feel you are doing well and everyone else thinks you have done the wrong thing ..

Starting please block and ignore any future contact.. you know from the last few weeks when you weren't in touch with him that life was getting better.. Xx

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 20:23

the fact that all these great posters are still here, on her thread, wanting the best for her, is a testament to starting

she can congratulate herself for that, but not really for letting this dick back into her head

izzyizin · 13/05/2012 20:48

Grin @AF's cheese & Wine party.

Needless to say, AF's right. Getting an aggrieved partner/spouse to meet face to face is straight from St Twuntbert's Book of How To Get Your Feet Back Under The Table; Chapter 1' Slowly, slowly, catchee monkey', Chapter 2 'Promise them anything'.

Seriously, honey, you will be dicing with death your increasingly good life if you think that you can see him without it being a headfuck one way or another.

If you are feeling anger, outrage, or righteous indignation, at his lies, more lies, and damn lies, you are feeling something for him when what you should be aiming for is the nirvana of total indifference.

You may think you've seen him off with his tail between his legs but he'll try to wag your tail; he'll reckon that you've 'got it off your chest' and if he persists he'll prevail on you to let bygones be bygones and give him another chance to fleece you.

If he's not back on your doorstep within the next couple of days, expect to bump into him when his path 'accidentally' crosses yours when you're out and about.

Treat him how he treated you; with utter contempt - and don't give him the satisfaction of engaging with him in any way whatsoever.

JaxTellerIsMyFriend · 13/05/2012 20:55

^^^ see above and repeat ad infinitum

AnyFucker · 13/05/2012 21:08

hear hear

with jangly bellz on

midwife99 · 13/05/2012 22:03

Yeah we care about you Starting. Just when you were getting strong & starting to pursue a social life guess who turns up like a bloody bad penny?!! Please don't let him in. He's just after your property & money. He will hurt you again Sad

springydaffs · 13/05/2012 22:23

oh absolutely! ie agree with above.

This type weave a web around you and to get anywhere near their orbit is dicing with death. However, I accept it was probably hard not to meet him for lunch... but please please don't go anywhere near him again. Don't talk to him, don't take his calls. he is up to no good at all, I hope you can see that. Nothing he is doing is up to any good. At all. In any way. YOu've said your piece (how satisfying that must have been!) but now that's that. I think you said that anyway but please stick to it and don't get taken in by his completely self-absorbed self-serving shit. Don't meet him outside the gate even!

re your phone - as you said yourself, you were very isolated with him and had, probably, very few people who had your number... SO it wouldn't be a hardship to change it.

If you really must keep your number then do please give him a name that will remind you each time he calls/texts what he is really like. My ex's name was RODENT in my phone book and each time he called/texted I was reminded of that.

Original poster
startingagain88 · 14/05/2012 00:59

Evening,

Just got back from a night out with sailing girl, had a lovely time in a number of public houses... :)

I missed a lot tonight!!.... i hadn't actually responded to any calls /texts from him for about two /three weeks prior to him turning up on Friday...so i felt i did have some distance at that stage.

I made it completely clear that he is not getting any money from me, and that there is no chance of him coming back, i have said my piece and that is it as far as i am concerned. I have been feeling much more positive over the last two weeks, and am accepting my 'new future' and sometimes dare i say it enjoying myself!!

I don't believe a word he says and understand that it is just money he is after, i completely get that, i don't believe that OW has left for Ireland and i don't believe he is going to AA.

Many thanks for all your support and guidance this weekend, it has really really helped, i couldn't have got through these last few months without all your support, and thanks for the back up Kirsty! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx :)

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 14/05/2012 01:19

Glad to hear you had a good night out - it sounds to be just what you needed. Sleep well. xx