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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
southlundon · 02/04/2012 13:38

Hi Starting - just found your new thread. Re: your dip in mood at the moment, could you be hormonal? I just wonder if that's making you feel down and weepy on top of everything else you're going through (it always does for me)?

When I split up with an old ex I remember he sent me the most awful texts when he was off his head on coke (yes, he was that nice) accusing me of cheating when I hadn't even looked at another man. (Turned out he had been cheating on me.) Your exP being drunk is no excuse - it's horrible how people can abuse and bully so easily with one press of a button.

Dump his stuff now. He has had far too long to pick it all up. Get a house clearance company or charity to pick it up if it's too big to drive to the dump yourself. Stuff him and his stupid gittish ways.

Xales · 02/04/2012 13:48

Sorry you had such a crappy weekend.

Please either change your mobile number or block him. The shitty texts are what he wants to send you OW involvement or not. He wouldn't send them if he didn't want to. Stop thinking about who sent it or why. It is time and energy you should be devoting to your new life not his. It just keeps you involved.

There no excuse for the abusive messages he sends you drunk and in a bad mood or not. He can take them out on OW, you are not there to be beaten with a shitty stick text whenever he feels like it.

And please stop replying to his reasonable texts. You need to cut him off dead.

LiarsWife · 02/04/2012 13:53

Hi Starting Can you block him number fron your phone so that you don't see his texts or would you consider changing your number ..?

Considering how much and often he drinks he may be sending you that type of text for the forseeable future otherwise which will just knock you off track again xx

LiarsWife · 02/04/2012 13:53

sorry x-posted with Xales :)

xx

RoxyRobin · 02/04/2012 14:30

He seems to get drunk an awful lot. If only for that, you're well rid. It'll be OW's problem from now on.

southlundon · 02/04/2012 14:32

Oh and if you haven't perhaps don't delete the text (I know it won't be nice having it on your phone) as you may be able to use it against him in any money wrangles/discussions with the solicitor?

RoxyRobin · 02/04/2012 20:22

I do feel for you, Starting. Your situation is particularly hard because of not, at least at present, having a group of people in real life whom you can call on just to give you a hug, and hold you when you need to sob your heart out. You must desperately wish your Mum and Dad were still here to comfort you and look after you.

If it were me in your position, whilst I'd be glad of the support and advice I'd received on here, a little part of me would be wailing, "Yes, but it's all right for you lot! You've all got loads of people to look after you and I haven't!"

I wish I could give you a hug - and that's coming from someone who's been accused of being physically unaffectionate by her eldest sister (she's lucky I haven't yet smacked her in the gob, tbh - she upsets everybody!). And I've got another sister who gives the worst advice in the world. I've found it's best do the direct opposite of what she suggests, and things might then have a chance of turning out ok! So RL support isn't always all it's cracked up to be.

I do wish your EX would take his mobile and shove it up his arse. But since he's not going to, the onus is on you to ignore his missives, both (seemingly) nice and nasty. I really would take the advice of the posters above to change your number or block him - you have absolutely nothing to gain by responding to him. He's stuck a knife deep in your heart, and you're letting him prod at your open wound.

I hope you will have a calmer period now after all the emotional turmoil of the weekend. As a number of posters who've been through similar have said, it's a rollercoaster - you'll have to expect these ups and downs, but eventually you'll be gliding along with equanimity, hard though it seems to imagine at the moment.

xx

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 20:36

I love the rr bluntness re the mobile.

I know you need some cash off him but how much will you accept before you can cut contact. I phrase it like that because I know that what you would accept is significantly less than what he actually owes! You eg the van, pay for work you have done for the business, the last 4 years of financial support etc.

Could he pay what you need in 1 go or is it likely to be installments. Because if its the latter you need to get a payment agreement in place and signed and a way of getting the money without speaking to him.

Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 20:39

Please be gentle with me.... Blush-I have had a terrible afternoon....after all the texts from him....i felt even worse... got into a panic about the house (there is a chance he could have a claim for a percentage of the equity if he wanted to take me to court), basically had to get out the house got in my car and drove and drove crying all the way.

When i got back home phone rang, thought is was Big Bro (as he said he would ring) It was EXDP, he was talking to me like he used to the 'nicest' he has been since he left...he said he was sorry about the text, he and OW were arguing as she feels that x wants to come back to me he sent the text to show her that he had no more feelings for me....he says he meant none of it and he was sorry etc etc......what a bastard....but that isnt the worst of it.....

He asks how I am etc starts calling me darling and sweetheart......ive been feeling really low this weekend and hearing his voice has made me crumble, i break down and tell him to come home, i want him back....we could make it work he says dont say that and hes not coming back.

Why did i do it? Id been doing so well up till now! tbh i know i could never take him back so why did i say it? Im very blue at the moment :( tonight is four weeks since he left. I just feel like everything is closing in on me at the moment :(

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 20:45

Roxy ....what you say is so true I would give anything to have Mum and Dad with me now, they would put me right.

My brother is great, but its not the same and he is not very touchy feeling, hes a bloke.....plus he is away on holiday with his family over Easter.... im not looking forward to him being away....

OP posts:
Doha · 02/04/2012 20:47

You need to go no contact.

He is trying to keep you onside just in case it doesn't work out with ow.

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 20:49

Oh starting. Really that kind of breakdown is inevitable at some point. You feel lost and lonely it is totally understandable. I so want to give you. Massive hug. If I had a spare room you could come stay in it.

Saying he wasn't coming back is the kindest thing he has done since he left. I think soon would be a good time to say to him that if he cares for you or what you had at all. He needs to get completely the Fuck away from you. Financially, emotionally, physically and no more texts and calls. It's too soon and he is doing too much damage.

ThePinkPussycat · 02/04/2012 20:50

Being under continuous stress wears down your nervous system, and then you are vulnerable when something like this happens. You know that in actual fact you couldn't take him back and he says he's not coming back, so no change. You have been wanting his concern and now you sort of had it but in such a mixed message sort of way that of course it has knocked you for six.

Xales · 02/04/2012 20:57

Aw Starting /hugs

Like you say it is only 4 weeks. I read on here somewhere that you have to give it a month for every year together until you are completely over someone.

He must be like a dog with two flaming tails right now. Sends you all the shit he wants then a pathetic apology and you ask him to come back despite the shit.

Again it doesn't matter what problems he is having with her. It gives him no fucking right to be even nastier and more abusive toward you. Please see this. He is taking problems with her (after only 4 sodding weeks living together) dumping all his shit on you so they can carry on living happily. She obviously is completely insecure about their relationship what a surprise.

It is a little like one country agreeing to take the waste for a small price of another country and bury it in their lands polluting/destroying them so that the other country can still have clean green lands.

Don't worry too much about the house. I am sure as soon as you counter sued with all the evidence for the van, work and money you have put in to establishing his business he will soon back off.

Please do consider changing your contact details.

Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 20:57

Doha......I know! I was doing so well no with no contact until the texts today and then the phone call.... it shows how damaging the phone call was as i crumbled with five minutes.

Ive just been feeling so low over the last few days....his call came at a bad time.....

I understand that he is keeping his options open and in reality I would never be able to take him back I KNOW ALL THIS but i still crumbled....what an idiot :(

OP posts:
Xales · 02/04/2012 21:02

Oi stop that!

Don't make me spank you. You are not an idiot.

You are hurt, upset, lonely and worried. All perfectly understandable.

He is the idiot. 4 weeks into true love and they are fighting and he is drinking nearly all the time. He can't have much spare money the way he is boozing it all!

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 21:05

I second xales. You are hurt, you are not an idiot.

RoxyRobin · 02/04/2012 21:07

Agree with o4t - for once he's done you a favour. Imagine if he'd said, 'Oh, all right then.' You'd be sucked into a morass of misery it would take years to get out of - really. What you're wanting is the way you were ages ago, but that's over.

Don't feel embarrassed for what you said - many of us have done similar. I know I've begged - and snottily, with mascara streaming down my face. (Being vain, that's what upset me most in retrospect, not what I'd said!)

Seriously, though, I'm concerned that you feel things are closing in on you. You could always try seeing your GP if you think it's getting out of hand. My friend was in a dreadful state when her H left her and she took medication for a while. She had been reluctant, but found it did help. Bear it in mind as a possibility, anyway.

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 21:12

I did the begging too. He came back, the farce dragged on for another painful self esteem sapping bloody year. Then he dumped me again after I had lost all my friends because of him. It took me antidepressants and therapy to pull myself back up from that.

I was a better, stronger, person after it. And I found a man who deserved my love and who actually, really, loved me back.

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 21:14

Oh and BTW a decade later he is single and hopeless and living with his mum......

Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 21:31

Only, thank you so much... I really could do with a hug now...but i haven't got anyone near :( The loneliness is the worst thing...im used to having someone here most of the time chatting, day to day things etc...now its just quiet ...awful....
He did say he wasn't coming back but there was a hesitancy there, which didn't help :(

Xales, i know what he did was incredibly cruel he used me as a tool to make her feel better in turn making me feel much worse, the woman whos heart he has already broken...evil isnt it?

OP posts:
Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 21:38

Xales, Only, but i feel like an idiot :( What was i thinking?

Roxy, it helps to know im not the only one to go there!! Ill give it a few more days...if i haven't picked up, ill pop in to see a doctor.

Only, that sounds dreadful, i really dont want to go back i suppose its just that's what's familiar the future feels scary at the moment so im clinging to what i know :( Hurray about the outcome though...i really believe in Karma, what goes around comes around :)

OP posts:
only4tonight · 02/04/2012 21:41

Yes it is. Also my bet is actually on her nicking his phone and sending you the message but him not wanting to look the fool he clearly is.

What if he did want to come back, honestly how would you feel. Relief, maybe you would let him, you would cling to him for a couple of days then back to feeling Shit but this time worse because you are trapped in it with no way of moving on.

This hurt will go. You will probably always feel a bit bitter and sad. But it won't be physically painful anymore.

only4tonight · 02/04/2012 21:46

Ok I admit there is still some bitterness there. I have him as a friend on Facebook (at his request) just so I can revel in the fucking car crash he has made out of his life and get regular reminders of how lucky I am to not have anything to dp with him anymore. I know that's twisted but I can't help it and it reminds me not to take dh for granted.

Startingagain88 · 02/04/2012 21:54

Only, that's what i thought initially as the wording in the message didn't sound like him IYKWIM, but he says that he sent it- i suppose with her input/ encouragement. Nice isnt it? I'm the injured party but again im getting hurt by their actions.

I think it would make me really ill if i was to have him back..i couldnt cope with the worry of him cheating again...watching what i was saying or doing in case i upset him and he went back to her. The reality would not be good.

His actions have totally destroyed what we had and we can never get that back ever.....

OP posts: