Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

[Startingagain88]

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

I am angry on your behalf - what a weak cowardly spineless twat he is to let OW compose his text messages for him, and then to send these to you. Grrrr!!

I know its given me a good laugh this morning actually! :) I do believe in Karma, since he left i haven't every shouted at him or got angry...ive always been calm and considered in what i have said and done ...perhaps to much....but he has been quite nasty...saying things to really hurt me and when he doesn't get what he wants getting shirty.....

He has now made it completely clear how he wants to conduct himself ...all that crap about being my friend and wanting to help me was complete lies..... that's ok..... i can do it all myself...he has his lovely OW to help him now :)

Starting, I'm sorry to harp on about it, but I really think that now is the time to see a solicitor and see if you can recoup the money you invested in his van and business.

I think he's probably been very economical with the truth, when speaking to OW, about just how much you invested in his business. He has probably completely rewritten your history, to her, so that she genuinely believes that you are trying to rip him off in some way.

I know you just want this to be over, but that text would make me absolutely livid and I'd want to get back all that was mine. It really wouldn't hurt to at least ask a solicitor and see whether it would be hard to reclaim the van at least - after all, it is yours because you paid for it.

Yeah, it's made me angry, too. But not surprised; I felt it was only a matter of time before nastiness came to the fore. Two such lovely charmers can't fail to make each other ecstatically happy for the rest of their lives.

Mad, no i posted his passport through his mates letterbox yesterday as didn't want him to come to my house to pick it up.....i have been completely fair with him, but he obviously doesn't want to be fair with me......

Karma, as I've said before im not really that angry with the OW and i really don't think about her that much ( i am getting angry now).... i just think that if she was a decent person she would realise that there are things that EXDP and I have to sort out and she should step aside and let us do that....we were together 15 yrs...its not like im calling at two in the morning...or trying to be obstructive in any way.

Ill think about the van.... i have met with a solicitor and he said that i probably could take the van or ask him for the money, but i don't really want to get into tit for tat at this stage....but that may change...

I agree that your focus should be on him not OW - who knows what lies he has been telling her.

I really would consider following your solicitor's advice about the van - its not about being nasty, its about being fair to yourself, you are out of work and out of pocket thanks to him.

I would text him back and tell him to remove all his belongings from your property by monday or you will be charging him £25 Per week for storage back dated from the date he left or you will be taking it to the dump.

Starting glad that you see it isn't about the OW at all.

Look at how little he did in your relationship and how much he let you do for him. He is just doing the same with another willing victim.

The text may have come from her however he is the one behind it.

He will not have told her it is your house and he has no claim but that he is being generous as he feels guilty leaving you and letting you have it.

He will not have told her that for the last 15 years he has sat on his arse and let you pay for everything. He will have told her that he was equal or more important part of your relationship doing everything for which you do nothing but show your ingratitude.

He certainly will not have told her that he came and asked you for money the week after he left her for his DDs. What a man

He will not have told her you paid for the van.

He will not have told her you were doing all the behind the scenes work to get his business off the ground.

He will not tell her all your savings have gone on him, his van and his business.

He will have told her he is an amazing man who has done it all by the sweat of his own brow.

This man has never been your friend. He has been (great mumsnet term) a complete and utter cocklodger. Now that he has taken everything decent you had to give he is off.

Mark any post RTS and stick it back in the letter box. He does not live with you any more it is none of your cares what happens to it.

Send him a solicitors letter instructing him to remove his stuff by x date or it will be disposed of. The van would not be tit for tat. I have a feeling that you say that because it is how he will see it. It is getting something you paid for back. Get the solicitor to offer to sell it to him for a fair or just below market rate if that would make you feel better.

Get a new mobile number. Only stick the old sim in once a week/month if you feel you have to in order to check on communications from this man. The same with your email. Or get him blocked.

This last text in response to bills he would have partially created is offensive. Cut him out of your life as soon as you can and move on.

You are worth so much more than this man.

Wow long sorry!

Hi Starting

Did you reply to the text?

If you do feel the need to reply, something short like

"I absolutely agree that a clean break would be best all round. That's why I would like you to collect all your stuff by xxx. Anything left over after that date will be sold / chucked as I will assume you don't want it. All the best..."

To me it looks like he wants you to be suffering, begging and acting all deranged. But you're not are you. You're going out with your new friend eating pizza, and looking at making more friends. That must be a big shock to him.

Would now be a good time to think about a little holiday somewhere? That would be a big sign to him that you are actually moving on even if you go alone, he doesn't need to know that.

Xales, I agree with all of you said re EXDP lying to the OW, nonetheless, i don't feel she should be sending me aggressive texts- if anything it should be the other way round !!

I suppose she feels that she is defending him...but he is big and definitely ugly enough to do that himself!

Would you believe that i received another text from him this afternoon stating that he is chasing a customer for payment and he will let me have the money when he gets it and that he will try and come round next week to move all his crap....very civil text...like nothing had happened ....so either a) he sent the text when he was pissed and cant remember or b)she sent it from his phone without his knowledge or c) hes a total psycho !

Hi Cenicienta,

I haven't replied to either texts...i'm not going to get involved in a slagging match with him or her they obviously want to fight.....

It amazes me as i am the injured party here but somehow in their world im the old witch trying to ruin their love affair!! Never mind the s**t he has left me in!

Id love to take a holiday but i still have a lot to sort out with the house at the moment and also i need to get a job, but in a few months you wont be able to stop me !! :)

Hi Starting i've been out all day so only just caught up with the saga of the text - what a spineless prat he is, and he's obviously told her a load of rubbish about you - defamation of character!!

Keep your dignity, don't stoop to their level - just harden your heart - you now know what you're up against.

:)
Ps glad you had a good nite with PW

So the new relationship is already shaky.

Either a) she sent the text without him knowing, which means she is going behind his back already or

b) He sent it to show her he is over you, but then is saying something different to you when she's not looking, which means he is cheating on her as well.

Either way, congratulations on your escape! Just remember that all those horrible feelings of doom and gloom you're experiencing now WILL pass, and life is going to get so much better for you.

Your dignity and strength of character will shine through all of this :)

Hiya starting,

Glad you have set up a new thread.

Omg what a pair of ........ Finish the sentence as you see fit. I just cannot believe how cruel they can be.

I agree as others said she doesn't know you or what went on between the pair of you so she is obviously going off what he has told her. He's a cheeky sod telling you he wants to be friends then telling her lies about you, shows what a cruel, hard, sponger he really is. He's after what he can get now. Please see a solicitor and get this watertight in your favour he's a gold digger.

Also it doesn't sound like its going well between them. When the excitements gone what's left? Doesn't sound much. I hope this makes you feel a bit better, It would me but please don't take him back as pretty soon he will come knocking back on your door, I just feel it.

You will start to feel better soon if not feeling a little better now. I would go for the van and anything else you think he owes you. That text will give you the strength to get tough. No ifs and buts get the skip or shove in the tip, he shouldn't be taking up your space, you use that for yourself.

Just read it also said have a divi up of r combined assets. Haha unbelievable, he wants some money. He's being nice for this reason. How dare he, he owes you not the other way around. Shows you how even more you need to get yourself protected from these two vultures /chances.

Also she sounds lovely doesn't she, she can't even string a few words together. She sounds dog rough. Probably sees you with a property and she wants a piece of the pie. I don't think her job prospects sound v good with a text like that. He's so going to regret losing you.

ah, found you

You are doing all the right things, my love

a dignified silence...let the Jeremy Kyle-wannabees make complete tits of themselves...you are destined for better things !

Hi starting. How was the beach tidy?

I suspect that the text last night was all ow without his knowledge. That doesn't make him innocent it is just indicative of the Shit he is feeding her.

Well done for not answering.

Hi Starting I've been busy today and just caught uo with your thread.. Definitely best to ignore but keep the texts .. i know you don't feel it but you are doing so well xx

Morning. How was the weekend?

Morning all,

Have had an up and down weekend ... :( had a bad day on Friday crying etc...Friday night had a great night with Pinkwellies until i got that text from EXDP.

Saturday lots more crying.... didnt go to the beach clean in the end, as i was exhausted.... Brother came down on Sunday...horrifed at the state X had left me in re the house but we had a lovely day together...then he went home cue more crying, missing my mum and dad etc.....

Woke up this moment still feeling blue....i really dont know whats happened after the initial shock i was picking myself up but since Thursday ive been feeling really low again and crying buckets :(

Got two text from him today saying that the will sort out some money for bills etc and another saying 'are you ok?' - I have responded ' No, your text on Friday Night was hurtful and cruel enough is enough' he hasnt responded as yet and i dont need him to...i just wanted him to know that his behaviour is not acceptable and im not going to take that kind of abuse.....if he didnt send it and she did well maybe he might see that she is not as 'nice' as he thinks she is.....

This afternoon as its still sunny, im going to go out for a bike ride , then take the dog for a walk....tonight will be four weeks since he left....ill do my crying tonight.... tomorrow I WILL pull myself through these last few days of despair and start being more positive again, i need to continue with doing constructive things and get a job!!

Starting the initial shock has warn off. It's perfectly natural to have a period of grief. I am glad your brother came and PINKWELLIES has been looking after you. Don't be too had on yourself. Fwiw I think your text was very dignified. I also think he needs to get the hell put of your life completely he is still controlling you with the texts

WTF is doing asking you how you are after the text which clearly stated that he wants nothing to so with you and you need to move on - financially and emotionally without him. I suspect it was from OW but regardless, it was sent and he has lost the right to small talk.

Minimal and factual is the way forward. Next time he asks you how you are, resist the urge to say 'Awful. What do you think.'. Or even 'Fabulous thanks' and just take the tone of 'Lets not waste time with small talk. Never mind how I am, what time are you getting the last of your things and can we now draw a line under the
Meetings/calls and texts? '

Factual and practical.

Of course you are wobbly. He stages are playing themselves out: Shock. Disbelief. Upset. Shock again. Auto pilot (this is where you have been most recently) then Grief... Next comes anger and then indifference and finally relief and new happiness. So actually it should genuinely start to get better soon.

THE stages. Not HE stages

iPad SchmiPad

Only, i know he wants his new life and he also wants to keep an eye on mine....

He has responded to my text saying' i didnt mean it i was drunk and in a bad mood sorry' im not going to respond , im not his punching bag for when he is pissed off :(

Personally, i dont think he sent that text (didnt sound like him IYKWIM) not alone away so either they typed it together (nice) or she sent it and he is covering for her, either way its nasty.