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Original poster

Starting Again, Moving Forward...Onwards and Upwards ! :)

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 27/03/2012 14:33

Following all your wonderful messages of love and support since my partner of 15yrs up and left for OW, my previous thread reached the 1000 post mark and so i'm starting this new thread with a more uplifting subject title!!

Its only three weeks in since EXDP left and so i know i have a long way to go...but slowly each day I'm feeling more positive and believing that my life can be wonderful without him!

Here's the link to my old thread -

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1421736-In-shock-cant-quite-believe-it-Long-Sorry

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 03/04/2012 13:37

Hi LW, hope you are doing OK!

Problem i have with doggy is that he a large dog (bullmastiff) and my ex wanted him to be a 'guard dog' so he hasn't been socialised as much as i would like....

He's lovely with me and Ex and i can take him for walks with no problem but hes not really that good with other dogs and strangers so i will probably have to take him to some classes or one to one lessons before i can leave him with a petsitter etc......Ex knows all this it was him that insisted upon it...Thanks knobhead! something else i have to sort !

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 03/04/2012 14:14

I'm doing ok .. it's been a bit difficult with the Estate Agent coming and DD and I bagged up a load of her toys to take to PRCKs house .. I got a bit upset when we were bagging up her toys and went into the loo so she wouldn't see me .. she came in and said what's wrong and I said I was just blowing my nose .. she said 'it looks like you're crying .. if there's anything that you are worried about or anything you're sad about then you can tell me ' (That's what I have been saying to her).. she is such a kind wee girl :)

Have you thought of looking online to see if there are any Bull Mastiff owners clubs nearby? (I imagine there are such things) They may be able to help .. not being a dog person don't know too much about these things xx

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 03/04/2012 22:58

Oh LW, it must be hard for you with regards to the house, mixed emotions....
Your daughter sounds really lovely.....you are so lucky to have her....you can keep each other strong... :)

OP posts:
RachyRach30 · 04/04/2012 01:37

Hi

Hope you are feeling more positive.

Have you sorted out his belongings?

Yes he has hurt you enough it's time to not let him do this to you any longer. You can take back control, you have come so far already.

I believe you will have a family and a loving man in the future . Once you have tied up all the loose ends and start a fresh, you will be able to focus on your self and maybe try a few dates. You might not feel ready yet, but with time you will. You have a career to look forward too. Sounds a good job, travelling will be wonderful for you.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 12:02

Hi RR30,

I'm trying! :) Yesterday was a good day.. got some practical things sorted and even slept in my own bed for the first time since he left :)

Today...im ok... big bro has gone on holiday with his family for a week so it will be more difficult to contact him...im feeling a bit anxious about that...ive also been stuck on the sofa all morning....

It's beautifully sunny here though so i'm going to get myself motivated and continue sorting out the practicalities paperwork, job etc....I might even start painting soon!

I've given him till the end of next week to collect all his stuff from the garage, I really hope that i will feel able to trust a man again, at the moment it doesn't seem possible :(

OP posts:
southlundon · 04/04/2012 12:13

Well done on sleeping in your bed! I hope you had a great sleep Smile

Make sure you have arrangements in place to get his crap removed first thing next Saturday if he hasn't cleared it by the end of Friday. And don't let him push you back even by a day - you've told him repeatedly to take it and once it's not there your head will feel clearer knowing that you don't need to speak to him again unless absolutely necessary.

SlightlyJaded · 04/04/2012 14:09

Well done for sleeping in your bed. Big step, done.

Well done also for setting a deadline for him to collect his shit. Try to have as little contact (ideally none) with him whilst he does this and I absolutely agree with south that this is a good opportunity for you to show him you mean business by sticking to the deadline and acting on it if he fails to meet it.

LiarsWife · 04/04/2012 15:54

Well done for moving into your own bed Starting .. bet the dog is pleased he's got the sofa back too :)

only4tonight · 04/04/2012 16:04

Not all men are the same. You probably won't think you can trust someone again until one day, out of nowhere, you will realise you are already doing it.

Plomino · 04/04/2012 16:12

Excellent ! Today is a good day then. Two steps forward .

Well done you .

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 16:14

Thanks all,

Having another 'dip' today.....why oh why did i trust him with my life? I gave up all my friends and replaced them with him, now he has left me alone....i'm sat the kitchen table, sobbing, desperate for someone to give me a hug...i miss having someone to lean on, i'm hugging myself :(

Started going through my finances, and it just makes me so angry how much money i gave him as i thought we were a couple....even in the last year my savings have halved supporting him in his business...i wanted to go back to work but he said as we were going to start a family it would be better for me to stay and home and the business would pick up.

He has left me friendless, in a half finished house that i never liked, with less money than i have had in a long time, with no job........ how could he do this to me? i am devastated and he is off fucking his OW without a care in the world.

I feel like shit :(

OP posts:
captainmummy · 04/04/2012 17:00

Comeon starting - it's no good sitting there crying, asking 'why...', feeling like shit. It's done, you lent him money, gave up your job, he left. It's DONE. Now you have to pick up where you left off, and start over.

You've come so far, don't go falling apart now.

So what if he's off on hols. he is just one of many who are - he is nothing to you. (Hope he gets caught in the queues at heathrow)Grin

Plomino · 04/04/2012 17:27

Ok.

Starting, use this anger to your advantage . Have you got any kind of audit trail money wise, that can prove in any way how much you contributed ? If so, when he wants to divvy up the assets , send him a bill instead. I always liked that Goldie Hawn scene in First wives Club, when she hands him a dollar. Supporting him when you were a couple by using your savings, doesn't make you an idiot , because that's what couples do .

It's not your fault, that you were had over a treat , but, this is recoverable . This is just a blip in an otherwise not bad day . How about we just go and repossess his van ? And most of his tools , except of course the biggest one . Him.

springydaffs · 04/04/2012 17:27

ah yes but crying is part of the process - let it roll. You'll get sick of it when the time is right, promise. keep going sweetie, hang on in there through the gruesome bits xx

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 17:35

Im sorry...... i do feel like im falling apart :) I know what i need to do but it all seems so daunting and overwhelming........... :)

What i'm feeling at this moment is not anger its despair ...... i have all the paperwork re finances.... I just need some clarity of mind to sort it all out and i dont :)

That bastard has walked away and left me in the shit and he want more money? what a cruel evil s**t !

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 17:35

sorry meant :( not :)

OP posts:
only4tonight · 04/04/2012 18:46

The anger phase is kicking in. It's one step closer to being over!

If you are really finding it that difficult to cope and get your thoughts in order it may ne time for a trip to the gp. Honestly its not the life sentence you feel it is. There is no shame on getting some help.

Xxxxx

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 18:55

Only, God i hope so im exhausted :(

I'm not actually registered with a GP in Kent (i never normally get ill)..its just one of those things i never got round too...my GP is still in London...

Another thing to add to the every expanding list of things to do :(

Spoke to the Samaritans earlier as i was feeling so low, weeped down the phone to them it helped a bit.

I was doing well but since that email from him on Thursday and text on Friday its gone downhill again........arsehole!

OP posts:
only4tonight · 04/04/2012 19:03

You can get an emergency appointment with any gp. Get an emergency appointment and pick up a registration at the same time.

I am going to get my mummy voice on! You are putting obsticals in your own way. Don't think of reasons you can't do something. Find ways to make it happen instead.

We are all here for you. We are more than just words on a screen and you have us.

Gems34 · 04/04/2012 19:12

Hello Startingagain88
Iv kind of skimmed through your thread! What an amazing response you have, so many caring people out there and also lots in the same position.
What drew me to your thread was your title!
Onwards and upwards! This is positive thinking and when you think positive you will receive good positive rewards!
Your story touches so many hearts including mine because I felt how you feel not so long back. You truly have to believe your future is great and you are moving onwards and upwards and I promise it will happen.
My story is too long but I was at a very low place and it hurts physically. Small steps to a better future. One thing I will advise it cut all contact with your ex completely!
Please stay strong and believe! :)

SlightlyJaded · 04/04/2012 19:14

Oh my lovely you are not an idiot.

When you are with someone for years, you make an emotional and financial commitment with them. We have to trust our partners otherwise our world would grind to a halt. You have not done anything stupid or been gullible in any way. You were together 15 years. Of course you wanted to support his business startup. It's a miracle you haven't got a house to divvy up.

Now you have to accept what is done is done and use your anger to propel you forwards. I know that's easier said than done but you have to believe that are moving in that direction all the time. You just need to keep on going.

And when you feel overwhelmed, be overwhelmed - cry, kick the door, do what you need to do and then take a breath and keep going forward.

As so many have said, the bad days will become further and further apart until one day you'll look back and all of this will be something that happened to you in the past, and it will have no power to hurt you.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 04/04/2012 19:36

Thank you all so much for your messages... you don't know how important all of you have been in seeing me through this far... i know that i have got into a negative way of thinking and that's not like me at all

I also believe in positive thinking and what you give out you will receive (obviously not with EXDP) , but i am feeling so low at the moment its so hard to pull myself back up.....

The house is my name but he may be able to claim an interest because he has done improvement work to the property i don't really want to get into a legal dispute with him......... :(

To let go of the past and the wrongs he has done will be so hard but i know i need to do this to move forward, i just wish these feelings of rejection and loneliness would go away :(

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 19:42

You need photographs of the house in the state it's currently in - I think he would struggle to argue that he has added value.

Can he even afford to pay the legal bills involved in staking a claim? if I was the OW, I'd not be too keen to financially support that little venture.

I suggest you go back to the solicitor and see if they advise a more aggressive stance on your part wrt claiming back your investment in the business. I know it's not what you want and you are trying to avoid further conflict, but sometimes attack really is the best form of defence.

crazynell · 04/04/2012 19:44

Starting You'd be a very hard person if you didn't cry and rant and rave and you're not a hard person so of course you are going to be upset and angry - he has treated you v badly and you trusted him - you didn't do anything wrong - you just loved him and shared your life with him - be glad that you have these qualities and are able to love someone - because you will find love again, one day' Sending you a a hug (((())))

fedupofnamechanging · 04/04/2012 19:48

Actually, can he even prove that he has done any work on the house? I would look back through the bills/receipts/bank statements and see if you can trace the money. You would probably be able (via the bank) to show if your savings account financed the joint/his account (everything has a paper trail, you could get a forensic accountant if he seriously tried to claim a share of the house).

I think he would actually have to prove that he added value, so he would need proof of his money spent specifically on your house, not just receipts for building materials that could realistically have gone anywhere, what with him being a builder and all. If he's left any paperwork behind, it might be better to keep it in your possession.