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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
Becaroooo · 21/03/2012 17:54

OP - Good luck with the conversation.

Your dh does not seem to have shown any remorse or regret and has not apologised?

I think you will need it.

Sad
RedHotPokers · 21/03/2012 17:56

Thread is starting to go OTT.

cheerfulyank hit the nail on the head.

No need for overanalysis,.and 'Leave him' hysteria. Just a frank conversation, to find a middle ground, and to agree what behaviour is out of bounds - both re your dh and ds.'

Heyyyho · 21/03/2012 18:22

Your dh behaviour was disproportionate to the behaviour of your son.

He lost it and I am sure he feels rotten about it.

But op you have no voice at all in this family do you? You don't chastise your son, or confront your dh about anything.

What do you want people to say to you? You seem terribly weak and ineffectual and, well, a bit bullied by the men in your life.

CupOfBrownJoy · 21/03/2012 18:22

I think its time to step away from the thread OP....

The vultures are circling Hmm

Heyyyho · 21/03/2012 18:25

Pathetic

CupOfBrownJoy · 21/03/2012 18:27

me?

Pozzled · 21/03/2012 18:32

OP, I know you probably feel under attack, but I hope you will continue to read and think about what people are saying. Even if you don't agree with them, they're posting because they care about you and your DS. A lot of posters on here are very familiar with a particular kind of abusive behaviour. I sincerely hope that your DP doesn't follow this pattern, and after 18 years you must know him better than anyone.

The way I see it, there could be two stories here:

  1. Your DP is a thoroughly decent guy who has never done anything like this before. In which case, I would expect him to apologize profusely to you and DS and admit that he was completely in the wrong. And I'd wonder what caused it, whether he's under any stress at the moment, or whether he needs to see a GP.
  2. your DP actually believes that it was ok to act that way, or that it was somehow excusable. In which case, it could easily happen again, and I'd guess you'd have seen clues in the past that might have worried you.

I really really hope the true story is 1. I think your conversation tonight will tell you, if you listen carefully to what he says and how he says it.

pumpkinsweetie · 21/03/2012 19:22

Like i said earlier, he needs to deal with ur son in a different way ie taking his possessions of him/ grounding him etc not threating to beat him as it isnt right on any level. Make sure ur H is fully remorsful if not u will have think about what to do from there. I personally think he went too far and i hope for ur sake this was a one off

neuroticmumof3 · 21/03/2012 19:29

I think it's very worrying that DP has avoided bringing up the subject. If he were truly contrite he would have said something no matter how embarassed he may have been. This is child abuse whether it's a one off or not. If DS makes a disclosure at school then the police and social services will become involved. Maybe OP should speak to the NSPCC on 0808 800 5000 and see what they advise. They are very friendly and approachable.

pumpkinsweetie · 21/03/2012 19:36

I agree neurotic-its very worrying and ds is only 11 & being threatened by a grown man , it doesnt bare thinking about.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 20:36

How about a sense of proportion?

The family sound stable, this behaviour sounds unusual for the dad. I have got five teens and yes, they can absolutely push you to the limit of your self control. On this occasion the father lost his self control, and his temper and behaved, according to the op, out of character. It was the wrong thing to do, but i doubt that anyone on here can say they have never behaved in a way they regret, in the heat of the moment.

Instead of over analysing, and incidentally this is not "serious" abuse, why not help the op find solutions to move forward and to address this subject with her husband to ensure it doesn't happen again. She does not want this to be the end of her 18 year marriage, and neither should it be. There clearly needs to be a frank and open conversation about acceptable ways to discipline the son.

If the son had said something at school, it would have been referred to social care, however lots of things would be taken into account, the context of the situation, whether the son was scared to go home, if there were sustained threats of this nature, precious injuries, history of A&E attendances, if it was a one off etc.

foolonthehill · 21/03/2012 20:43

There clearly needs to be a frank and open conversation about acceptable ways to discipline the son........which we are waiting with baited breath for....but time marches on.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 20:50

Yes I am sure we would like the op to be typing in her conversation with her oh live as it happens, but not everyone spends evenings online, or on MN nonstop.

FamiliesShareGerms · 21/03/2012 20:56

Laurel I've been following this thread with a combination of Shock Sad Confused Angry. I think everything that can be said has been said for now, and I really hope some of it has been helpful. Only you know what this incident means for your relationship with your DH, and the implications for your family. Good luck x

NarkedPuffin · 21/03/2012 20:58

This wasn't a teen. It was an 11 year old boy.

It was the wrong thing to do, but i doubt that anyone on here can say they have never behaved in a way they regret, in the heat of the moment.

Yes, and there are consequences to behaviour.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 21:05

Narked

What do you suggest the consequence should be for this one off incident?

I would say there is a consequence, him and the OP are going to address the behaviour, and find solutions. Also the incident will more than likely be on oh's conscience for a long time.

Alternately I suppose the OP could kick him out, break up the family, as well as the son losing his dad who he loves, the son will have long lasting guilt about feeling he caused it. The police and social care could be called, wouldn't go that far.

neuroticmumof3 · 21/03/2012 21:12

Rhino, you and some of the others on here really disturb me. A grown man pushed an 11yr old child around, put his hands around his neck, screamed in his face and threatened to kill him. That is serious and it is abusive. If someone disclosed that information to me in rl I would have a duty of care to the child to report it to SS.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 21:20

*neurotic

Read my post above re referral to social care. I would refer if it was disclosed to me, however i doubt it would meet social care thresholds for child protection. You cannot compare a one off loss of temper to "serious" sustained abuse. Nobody is saying it is acceptable, least of all the OP, and if this was a regular thing it would be a completely different scenario.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 21:25

Where a child is suspected to be suffering, or likely to suffer significant harm, the local authority is required by section 47 of the Children Act 1989 to make enquiries, to enable it to decide whether it should take any action to safeguard and promote the welfare of the child.

Would you say that incident had caused the OPs son significant harm?

ledkr · 21/03/2012 21:28

It wouldnt meet cp thresh holds but it would allow for some family support to look at behaviour strategies and alternative ways of coping with his behaviour.
I have to say i have 3 grown boys and if they even called me a twat now they would have an earache for weeks.

neuroticmumof3 · 21/03/2012 21:28

I'm not saying SS would instigate a S47 enquiry but they would want to speak to both parents and the child at the very least.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 21:37

Yes they would speak to the parents, and probably signpost them to a teen parenting course. Why can't mum use the threat that any further incidents will be reported to social care?

The OP sounds capable of addressing this, I don't see how it would be useful for her to report her own husband to social care before she has tried to sort it out within the family.

Lueji · 21/03/2012 21:40

why not help the op find solutions to move forward and to address this subject with her husband to ensure it doesn't happen again

That would have been him apologising immediately when he got home, having a proper conversation with him that night and anger management counselling.

Dp was advised on solutions. For some reason none were followed yesterday. I just hope tonight goes better.

She was also warned by people with experience if men with such behaviour about what can go wrong.

neuroticmumof3 · 21/03/2012 21:43

I have not suggested OP report her husband to SS. I have suggested she speak to NSPCC for advice and support.

Rhinosaurus · 21/03/2012 21:48

It's very easy to pass judgement on here, but the OP knows her own family, and the best way/timescale to deal with this.

She also does not have to keep leaving her daily activities/time with her family to keep posting updates on here.