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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
Lueji · 21/03/2012 12:04

Sorry, but IMO, this is not something you talk about when you have an opportunity.

It was very serious IMO and something that would have to be talked about asap. I'd be telling him as soon as he got home that we needed to talk, if that was not possible before dinner.

I am racking my brains to think of what could possibly happen in the evening that did not allow you to talk about it with your DP. Unless one of you was not at home.

Or are you weary of approaching it with him? Because that would be really telling. :(

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 12:09

Agree that this is the kind of totally unacceptable behaviour that gets discussed whatever the time, whatever the setting; not just when it's convenient and will be the least bother. Seriously: he grabbed your son by the neck and threatened to beat him to death.

Why did you avoid starting the conversation?

Yes, he did "his normal nothing happened routine" but so did you, by not stating immediately and unequivocally that what happened happened, and that it is not OK by you.

Proudnscary · 21/03/2012 12:16

I'm quite depressed and actually quite frightened by this thread.

My husband can be very strict and can sometimes lose his temper and shout loudly at the dc.

But he would never - has never - done or said anything anywhere this. If he threatened to beat our 10 year old son to death...dear God. I'd be in utter turmoil because I don't think I could have him in the house after that. I'd have to see, very clearly, that my dh understood how wrong it was on so many levels and show true remorse. It's so extreme, so vile and so scary. Of course your son was in genuine tears after that!

I agree with everyone who says, would posters say to a woman on the receving end of aggression and threats that it's the shock she needed?

Jesus Christ.

Proudnscary · 21/03/2012 12:17

(sorry about appallingly worded post then)

anniemac · 21/03/2012 12:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 12:44

Thanks anni you are absolutely right. I know DP is feeling terrible, he going over the top to be nice to us. I want to choose my moment not because I am scared but I want him to listen and take in and appreciate how god damm awful he was and make sure he takes massivle steps to improve his parenting skills, the last thing I want him to do is go on the defensive because of guilt, I want things to change not to have a big argument. I took to time yesterday to speak with DS as I wanted him to know that it was not his fault and make sure he was alright and to reassure him but equally him to realise he needs to ne more repectful to me.

OP posts:
seeker · 21/03/2012 12:46

Can I ask how you know he's felling terrible?

OrmIrian · 21/03/2012 12:47

" I want things to change not to have a big argument. "

Quite agree with you there. It's best to start off calmly. My experience though is that there probably will be an argument because he will be defensive. But it's one that needs to be had.

cestlavielife · 21/03/2012 12:52

but has he actually said "what i did ystrday was wrong. i was wong to threaten to kill him. i am sorry and it wont happen again"

or are you just interpreting his behaviour as meaning he sorry?

if he cant/wont express it then you both being tacit in accepting that what happened was ok so long as after he buys you chips...

olgaga · 21/03/2012 12:56

Well for your son's sake, I hope you do have the courage to tackle this and have a serious conversation. I am rather surprised to hear you put it off just because it was late. I don't think I could have done that. I would have expected your DP to come home and apologise to your son for his behaviour.

I'm sure your son will grin and bear it, that's the sad thing about child abuse. Children love their parents and will put up with just about anything from them. You sound like you think it's a positive thing that your son "doesn't seem too traumatised". He won't. It's only when abused children grow up that they suffer the trauma of an abusive childhood.

OP you do make it sound as though there is a pattern of behaviour here, and your DP doesn't expect to be challenged about or explain it, let alone apologise for it.

Are you always this accepting of his behaviour? If so that's very sad to hear. It may be your choice, but remember you are in a position of responsibility with regard to your son. He is relying on you to make sensible choices for him.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 13:39

I want things to change not to have a big argument

Setting boundaries is how things change, and they are best set immediately.

Setting boundaries also invariably causes arguments, when they are set in front of people who don't respect others. Such as fathers who grab their sons by the neck and threaten to kill them.

You're going to have an argument on your hands whether you like it or not. It is best for you - and for the change you desire - to act swiftly (immediately) and firmly every time unacceptable behaviour happens.

That includes the gaslighting your husband is currently engaging in, pretending nothing is amiss; that's also unacceptable behaviour.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 13:43

"I know DP is feeling terrible, he going over the top to be nice to us."

you are misinterpreting his behaviour OP. what he is doing is classic abuser behaviour. it happens all the time with men who abuse their partners. they do the damage and then shower her with flowers, meals out, great moods for a few days, but it is an avoidance tactic, he doesn't want to deal with what he has done. guilt would have him begging for your son's forgiveness, what you are seeing is pacifying behaviour in an attempt to lessen the impact of his actions on him. sorry. i have experienced this. i know the patterns. others my recognise it too. this man is not taking responsiility for what he has done, and he is trying to manipulate you into not making him face it. a man who awas sorry would have said so long before now.

gettingalifenow · 21/03/2012 13:47

I'm worrying away at this, as others clearly are too.

OP, not challenging your DP on this is not acceptable and you know it.

You may have the situation taken out of your hands - if your DS has mentioned it to his teacher, or another adult,you will pretty soon find someone on your doorstep wanting to interview you.

I also wonder if we, collectively, have a safeguarding responsibility here? I'm assuming MNHQ are looking at this thread and might have a view - a child has been threatened and we have no assurance that he is going to be safe.

I shall report my own post to MN to see what they say...

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 14:06

getting is that meant to be helpful. I am going to deal with it and to be honest getting a little upset. I came on here for some outside persepective and some people have been very helpful, I am going to take a measured approach and find a workable solution. Agreed my partner has made a huge mistake and said some horrible things but do you really think for one second that if I truely thought he actually meant one atom of what he said I would let him anywhere near DS.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 14:09

but do you really think for one second that if I truely thought he actually meant one atom of what he said I would let him anywhere near DS.

I think that's the wrong way of looking at it: it matters not what your husband meant. It does matter that he had no regard for the impact it would have on another human being. His own son. Who, like all children, looks to his parents for protection and nurture.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 14:14

Thank you Laurel I thought I was just seeing things through rosy glasses. I am sure after 18 years if your DP had an abusive nature it would have come out by now and I really think he is sorry and just so embarrassed he does not want to talk about it. This is not child abuse[again presuming Laurel you have been honest and your DP and son has a healthy relationship most of the time ]. And I still stand that although a crazy choice of words [I have been known to say mad mad things !!] he did not mean it people !!

Original poster
laurel123 · 21/03/2012 14:15

hot not trying to minimise and agree 100% and this is going to involve big discussion with DP just saying son is NOT in any danger.

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 14:15

It is most definitely abusive behaviour.

And he is sweeping it under the carpet now.

And so is OP.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 14:18

OK then if I lose it with my kids and yell at them [usually hormonally] is it mental abuse ?? And when my DH says "just calm down " and he takes them out for a walk or whatever whilst I eat chocolate and when he comes back we do not analyse my psychotic behaviour am I an abusive Mother ??

foolonthehill · 21/03/2012 14:20

he did not mean it people...how do we know this?
...he still said it, and thus far he has neither had a discussion with laurel who is waiting for the "right time" so she does not know what is in his head, neither has he had a discussion with his son who knows his mum thinks this was inappropriate, but does not know what his dad thinks.

so, as long as I believe my DP did not mean it, what was/is actually in/on his mind does not matter??? come on people.

the discussion needs to be had, the apology needs to be made...by him to his son, and his wife. Neither we nor they can know what is on someone else's mind otherwise.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 14:20

dont let him brush this under tha carpet laurel. i dont know him at all but from the behaviour you have described trhoughour I have visions of you getting round to the talk (after some more avoidance by him) and him stopping you in your tracks saying "look, i know i was wrong, there is no need for you to go over it with me, i'll apologise to ds and it wont happen again" which will be what you will want to hear but it isn't what needs to happen. you need to have your say and he needs to know that any hint of him behaving like that again will not be tolerated. have you thought about asking him to work with someone about his temper?

Lueji · 21/03/2012 14:22

How do you know he is not in danger?
What kind of danger? Of being killed? Or of being beaten?

Your DP's behaviour was bad enough. I wouldn't want my DS to be exposed to the danger of being held by the neck and having someone threaten him to beat him to death. Sad

I know I didn't want to be exposed to similar behaviour and ex didn't actually need to beat be for me to leave.

What if he had done it to you?

Personally, I'm not concerned about the OP (even though you are actually at danger of being treated similarly..., but you are an adult and you can leave) or her feelings in this matter, but about the child, who has had to put up and deal with this.

A parent is supposed to be a rock and an example for the children, not a source of fear.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 14:23

As I said she should know him after all this time. I have been with my DH for 16 years and if he said something like this I would know he would not mean it FGS !!

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 14:23

well it depends what you say to your children imnot. if you yell at them to get to their rooms, i dont think anyone would say that is abusive, if you yell at them that you will beat them to death, er yes!! that is abuse!!

seeker · 21/03/2012 14:24

He is embarrassed and doesn't want to talk about it. Well, tough shit, he has to. And he has to talk to the child involved too. He must have been shaken to his core- I have an 11 year old, and he would be distraught if his dad treated him like this. And then to go on as if nothing had happened is outrageous. What don you think is going on in that child's head?

Oh, and OP- the longer you leave addressing your dp over this, the more he will be able to minimise and normalise. He will have rewritten it in his head already. Now he will be able to say "oh, well, no harm done- everybody's fine. Look what fun we had eating fish and chips together. Let's just put it down to experience and move on. I won't do it again, I promise" Then he'll finish with a little dig like "Ds'll be on his best behaviour now!" that was he's justifying his behaviour and also shifting the blame to ds. Who is, let's not forget, 11. Probably still in primary school.