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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 21/03/2012 14:25

imnot I would assume that if you say inappropriate things to your DCs or act harshly ,you apologise as you would expect them to apologise to you if they were rude. Ditto DP.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 14:28

imnot you really do think what has happened in OP's home is no biggie dont you?

pumpkinsweetie · 21/03/2012 14:29

Dont think what ur Dp said was good at all. My sister was an awful teenager, ranaway everything but not once did my mum or anyone else for that matter threaten to beat her. What an awful thing for him to say to your 11 year old son im truly shocked and he shouldnt have lost his temper like that hes a grown man!!! Hes nearly a teen punish him in other ways ie taking his stuff away or ban him from goin out etc

Lueji · 21/03/2012 14:29

imnotmymum,
I'm sure you don't threaten to beat your children to death or hold them by the neck.

I occasionally scream at DS (nobody is perfect), and, funnily enough, I put some distance between us (send to room if he misbehaved) and I apologise if the screaming went a little overboard once I calm down enough.

That laurel's DP didn't apologise as soon as he came home speaks volumes.

And that laurel didn't confront him about it and how she must wait until he is sufficiently calm to bring such subject after an entire day at work, is also very revealing.

olgaga · 21/03/2012 14:33

OP it shouldn't be you thinking about when the right time for this discussion is. The right time would have been that night, after your son had gone to bed having apologised to your DS and given an assurance it would never happen again.

The fact that you have to choose a right time to deal with this, instead of your DP dealing with it when he should have done, is totally wrong.

He obviously doesn't think he's done anything serious enough to apologise for, which is really disturbing. What's worse, your reluctance to raise the matter has essentially confirmed that it's not serious - not only to your DP but to your poor son too.

The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be to talk about the seriousness and consequences of his behaviour - you are now in the position of raising it almost as an afterthought.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 14:36

"imnot you really do think what has happened in OP's home is no biggie dont you?" Well yes and no I have posted a hundred times that it depends if it was a one off and on the whole father and son are a tight unit or if this was a culmination of minor rumblings and this escalated and is becoming the norm.
No I do not threaten my children or touch them apart from telling them I will send them away to live with their Nana !![that is a biggie!!]. As much as I am trying to support you Laurel with your posting i must admit the chip supper around the table would probably have been a brill time to talk about it, I do hope it isn't because you are scared ????

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 14:49

"it depends if it was a one off and on the whole father and son are a tight unit or if this was a culmination of minor rumblings and this escalated and is becoming the norm."

if things are normally great between dad and son then this will have been a massive shock for the son. he will not have expected it and he will have been terrified of where thsi rage had come from and where it was going. he is probably still trying to work out in his own head what this means for the future and how his once loving dad feels about him now. that is a biggie for me. i also dont believe that rage like that comes from nowhere. so if this really is an out of character reaction to a minor misbehaviour then OP should be worried about her DH. if it was mine and was totally out of character i would be asking him to speak with his GP.

if it is a culmination of minor rumblings and is becoming the norm then it means this child has been conditioned to expect this sort of violent reaction to his behaviour and can expect it to get worse. it needs to be stopped now. OP can't waste anytime letting him think he can pacify her again and then get away with it again. that is also a biggie to me.

Original poster

laurel123 · 21/03/2012 14:49

lue neither and he would never beat me either iwe have been tog for 18 years and I can be very challenging

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 14:54

What I was saying is if it becoming the norm then get the hell out !! If the Father/ Son tight it would shock him however dragging it on to the point that the Dad needs treatment seems OTT

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 21/03/2012 14:56

I honestly don't think I could keep my children in the same house as dh if he ever did something like that!!

You have to protect your children op, they cannot protect themselves. It never ceases to amaze me the unconditional love that comes from children. Mine can be little monkeys and I'm far from a perfect mum but every now and again one of them will tell me I'm the best mum in the world or similar and they mean it!

It's not true, far from it! It just amazes me though how, for children, mum and dad are they're world. As adults we can't abuse that position of power, we have to be advocates for them if they are being mistreated, even if it is someone close to us who is the perpetrator.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 15:03

I can be very challenging

Is that what he's told you?

Original poster

laurel123 · 21/03/2012 15:05

Hot no far from it I know myself.

OP posts:

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 15:05

Yet again the tale has twisted, Can she not make her own decisions or opinion without there being a man to tell her what to say !!!!

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:06

"If the Father/ Son tight it would shock him however dragging it on to the point that the Dad needs treatment seems OTT"

you are missing the point.
it isn't about their relationship, it is about his behaviour. they could have the best relationship in the world but what he did was stil as wrong as if they had no relationship at all.

and also, are you seriously saying that if your partner suddenly snapped with you one day after years of a great relationship and no previous signs of aggression that yo wouldn't think something was seriously wrong? you would think he was perfectly healthy and nothing was wrong with him for attacking you like that?

Lueji · 21/03/2012 15:07

There's always a first time, laurel.

So, why have you not brought it up with him yesterday?

Honestly?

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 15:10

I give up !! IAm !! You obviously think I am mad !! I am not saying it not wrong what he did !! Just that one incident does not make a monster !!

garlicbutter · 21/03/2012 15:10

for children, mum and dad are they're world. As adults we can't abuse that position of power

This is so true, Doyou. They're born that way - hard-wired to literally worship their parents and believe everything they do & say is perfect. That's why it's sad when we read an abused mother saying her kids adore their horrible dad - they do, they can't help it, he's the only father they've experienced. Take them away from the nasty dad and they'll be more open to influences from other, more rational adults.

I am not assuming laurel's partner is generally abusive - though your reluctance to haul him up yesterday makes me wonder, Laurel? But DP abused that power, and Doyou has highlighted why threats are extra terrifying coming from the child's own father.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:14

when did i say you were mad?

all i'm doing is questioning your reasoning for being so dismissive of what is a serious incident.

i didn't say he was a monster. most abusers dont start off being monsters either. but this one act should be enough for OP to ask her DP to do something to change his behaviour, if that means counselling or anger management or speaking with his GP then so be it but regardless of whether this was a one off or a culmination of a build up of things it cannot be allowed to happen again and if this man is as horrified with himself as he should be then he will be seeking that help straight away and wont have any objection to his wife suggesting it.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 15:20

I can be very challenging

So challenging that you still haven't challenged unspeakable behaviour that happened yesterday morning?

Are you sure that being told, or it being implied, that you are "challenging" isn't a tale that's been spun to shut you up, since many, many, years? To the extent that you yourself believe it?

Because that would jibe with so much of what you're recounting here.

Blu · 21/03/2012 15:23

ER. Laurel came on here upset and distressed at what her DP had done.
She told him at the time that his behaviour was wrong, she told him he could be arrested. She asked for thoughts on the best way to handle it, but is being attacked.

Laurel, I think there is some benefit to a bit of a firebreak before raising it. I would make an appointment, set aside time when neither of you have other responsibilities and when DS is not around and have some questions prepared. Like how will he ensure that he will never lose it like that again, how can he control his temper, why did he react like that etc.
And then talk through the importance of a joint approach so that you cna support each other - but his behaviour made it impossible for you to support him. Then make sure that he knows that if there is any hint that he does it again you will be leaving with the DC.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:25

i wonder why if you are so challenging and your DP has never snapped, why he did with such a minor offence as the word 'twat' when your son said it? surely if he has been able to interact with yor challenging behaviour all this time then he is more than capable of dealing with bad language from a child?

(dont want to minimise how disrespectful DS was to his mum but the reaction was way out of proportion)

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:27

OP isn't being attacked!

anniemac · 21/03/2012 15:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WineGoggles · 21/03/2012 15:36

Laurel, I hold the minority view here. I think it was great that your husband was showing a united front/parenting team in his disapproval of your son?s behaviour, even though he went OTT for your liking. Personally I think your son deserved to be shown/told in no uncertain terms that his behaviour towards you was unacceptable, especially as the softly softly approach of groundings etc wasn?t necessarily getting the point across. If your DP is not normally aggressive then a one off ?short sharp shock? isn?t a problem IMHO and is a far cry from child abuse. I?ve often thought that there would be fewer gobby teenagers being disrespectful if they met their match early on and found out the hard way to watch their mouths. I learnt a valuable lesson as a teen by being cheeky/rude to the wrong person and it did me a favour.

Original poster

laurel123 · 21/03/2012 15:37

blu Thanks for your support and measured view. Neither of us are working tonight and should be able to have this discussion. If after that he feels he has done nothing wrong or justified in his behaviour then I be having rethink about things as I will not accept that.
Iam In the past DP and I have had terrible verbal fights but he has never been violent, said some wicked things yes, like we all can in the heat of the moment but never violent and yes I do push him sometimes

OP posts:

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