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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP just been very agressive with DS

329 replies

laurel123 · 20/03/2012 08:44

I don't know what to do, basically DP has completely lost it with DS (11) this morning. DP overheard DS calling me a twat and being aggressive towards me, ( I was trying to get him ready for school) DS has been pushing the boundaries lately but when he finishes his strops he will apologise and have a cuddle .Now I know DS should not speak to me or behave like that but I think DP reaction is totally over the top. He pushed him around grabbed him by the neck and screaming in is face, he threatened to take him to the top of the garden and "beat him to death" Shock if he ever spoke to me like that again. I have managed to calm things down and DS is now off to school but obviously very upset, my heart is breaking for him. I am just sitting here a bit shell shocked and very upset. I have told DP that his behaviour is totally over the top, yes I agree DS should not speak to me like this but this is all wrong. I have told DP if DS speaks to someone at school he could find himself arrested. What would you do? I need to think calmly. I am not scared of DP and he is not an aggressive normally, I know when he calms down he is going to be mortified. I just want some thoughts on the best way to handle this.

OP posts:
OrmIrian · 21/03/2012 15:37

I also think she is being attacked. I feel very strongly that her DP needs tackling about this - his behaviour was unacceptable in every way and I said yesterday I think I might have walked out with my children in her place. But it wasn't the OP that behaved that way - it was her partner. She is in a difficult place and the support she is receiving isn't that supportive right now.

anniemac · 21/03/2012 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 21/03/2012 15:38

Harangue is a great word.

I also find it a good attitude to adopt towards a parent who witnessed her son being grabbed by his neck and threatened with a lethal beating by the man she still allows under her roof.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 15:40

Not dismisssive just think it a dad who lost it not seriuos child abuse !

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:44

well i apologise if any of my posts have come accross as attacking you laurel. it isn't my intention at all. it just concerns me that this hasn't been dealt with. i can only compare with how i would react in your shoes and i know i would be devastated at what has happened here. there wouldn't have been fish and chips and carrying on as normal. i just couldn't have pretended nothing had happened. i accept that you know your DH and know how you want to handle it however, i just feel it maybe is being minimized and this runs the risk of it happening again which is the last thing anyone wants.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:45

imnot it is serious child abuse, it just isn't sustained child abuse at the minute.

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 15:54

Well I believe it not child abuse just an incident that totally went ott

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 15:55

do you believe it was abusive behaviour?

Lueji · 21/03/2012 15:58

Clearly laurel thought the police might find it sufficiently serious.

As I mentioned, I am definitely worried about this child, but, to be honest, also about laurel.

Once these men (and women) start behaving like this, don't show immediate regret and are not challenged or seek help, they become much more likely to do it again, and to all family members. Sad

Laurel, I totally understand that it was a shock for you that this man you love and trust(ed?) was capable of doing this.
Can you say, honestly, that this hasn't made you look at him differently? Even wonder what he is capable of doing if you challenge him now?
You certainly didn't last night.
The truth is that the first seeds of fear have been planted in your home and have not been immediately squashed.

I do hope you both manage to sort it out tonight, both with each other and with DS and that it never happens again.

Winegoggles, you make me Sad that you think what this man did was "showing a united front". WTF? Shock

And "he went OTT for your liking"? I'd imagine it would be OTT for the police as well as SS, and most people.

worldgonecrazy · 21/03/2012 15:59

WTF?? A grown man grabbing a child around a neck and threatening to beat him to death isn't child abuse??

< goes off to check she hasn't logged on to Mumsnet from a a parallel universe>

imnotmymum · 21/03/2012 16:03

Gosh I feel on trial . Yes abusive one off behaviuor (I hope)I think I posted enough and am repeating myself. Good luck laurel

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 21/03/2012 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank · 21/03/2012 16:19

Will read other responses later.

He should not have said he'd beat him to death. Totally out of order.

But so was your son.

My mother would have slapped me across the face for ever talking to her like that, and I damn well would have deserved it.

DinahMoHum · 21/03/2012 16:19

if the mumsnet regulars had their way, pretty much every relationship would split. Great pleasure seems to be taken in splitting relationships up.

In every relationship ive had, and in every LT relationship ive known about, there will have been instances where one of us behaved arseholey or unreasonably, or even downright cunty. Its all about the bigger picture. We've all got boundaries, and theyre not all at the same place, and sometimes we have to let some things pass.
Splitting up a family is a pretty major major thing, its not like splitting up with your boyfriend of a couple of months is it. I think this thread is chilling but for other reasons than some of you do. The OP obviously wants to work things out in her own time.

Good luck with it all

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 16:21

people recognise patterns of behaviour.people whohave experienced similar and know how things progress when they are minimised and brushed under the carpet. people care when they hear that this has happened to a child and they care that the people responsible for him will dothe right thing for that child. i would hate to live in a world where people didn't care.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 16:23

who has said this family should split up?

seeker · 21/03/2012 16:24

"In every relationship ive had, and in every LT relationship ive known about, there will have been instances where one of us behaved arseholey or unreasonably, or even downright cunty. Its all about the bigger picture. We've all got boundaries, and theyre not all at the same place, and sometimes we have to let some things pass."

Absolutely. Unless those things being done to an 11 year old child.

NarkedPuffin · 21/03/2012 16:25

What a ridiculous comment Dinah.

DinahMoHum · 21/03/2012 16:25

you dont "know how things progress". No two relationships are the same. Theres no set pattern to anything. You have to take things at face value sometimes, and just because someone starts a thread about something, doesnt give other people the right to start trying to bully the OP into acting in the way they deem fit, and its not as if the opinions on what happened were universally agreed.

NarkedPuffin · 21/03/2012 16:31

It's not like we have some kind of universally ageed rules, like laws, that are used to protect children, and to ensure that children don't have to put up with being grabbed around the neck and having death threats screamed at them. It's not like we, as a society, involve ourselves in how children are treated by their parents, by providing some sort of service that investigates allegations of abuse.

IAmBooyhoo · 21/03/2012 16:32

as i said dinah. people recognise patterns and have a fair idea of what happens when it isn't dealt with. this situation may be totally different, you are right, but we dont know that it isn't different and i haven't been the only one concerned about the length of time OP has left it before speaking to her DH.

DinahMoHum · 21/03/2012 16:35

sure, i know. I dont think what the OP did was right at all, but its not as if it came out of thin air. It doesnt make it "right" but it gives a background to why a previously good and gentle father (according to the OP) flipped out.

In the same way that its different if someone is being verbally abused time and time again and then flips, its not the same as someone going up to someone randomly and beating them. The outcome is the same, but the background leading up to it makes it different.

It isnt ok, but id just be more inclined to just talk about it and make sure he knows it cant happen again

Lueji · 21/03/2012 16:50

but its not as if it came out of thin air.

Abusers don't abuse out of thin air, they are "provoked".

According to the OP he was not that gentle or good. He seems prone to losing his temper and behaving as if nothing had happened.
Not in this scale, but it's there.

laurel has said she will deal with it tonight, how she wants, when she wants.
Actually, it was more when she thinks he is less likely to be upset and accept her criticism better. Hmm

Laurel, being overly nice is not a sign of being sorry. He tried to charm you both, but he didn't apologise. It's very different.
Abusers can be very charming, but they are not contrite.

And I hope they don't split, but this episode was rather worrying and I'd say it warrants a better response from the father than what he gave.

foolonthehill · 21/03/2012 16:55

I was slightly worried when the first post came from OP.....alarm bells...but yes she was, apparently, going to deal with it.

As yet the conversation has not happened, the DP has not showed remorse for excessive behaviour, nor set things straight with DS. So as yet there is no reason to be content that this is ok, nor that it will be a lone episode of extreme behaviour/abuse.

the longer it goes on the more worrying it becomes, as do the posters who seem to think that this is not that worrying Shock

dollymixtures · 21/03/2012 17:28

OP - So pleased you are not forgiving and forgetting this. I hope your conversation tonight goes well.

To all those who think this kind of behaviour is understandable Would you behave like this in public? In front of family or friends? Because I've got to say I have called the police after witnessing behaviour like this and they did take it seriously. Making threats to kill your own child whilst trying to strangle them is considered child abuse yes, even when it doesn't happen on a daily basis.