<Big Gulp> I need some perspective on my DH's revelation...

[Fruitdrop]

A bit of background.
I was dx'd with a chronic illness last Autumn, and have suffered and been taking medication for depression for several years. I now take a daily cocktail of drugs, and my libido is practically non existant :( not to mention mobility problems mean it is pretty uncomfortable. Bladder issues since DC3 and a recent dx of a type of colitis have made me terrified of letting go as I'm worried I'll have an accident
DH never complains, and, I assume entertains himself as required. The last time we had any sort of sex was just after New Year.
So, onto the never complaining DH. He laughingly related to me the other morning, when I said I had slept like a log (my condition often makes for very restless nights), "ooh I know, I felt quite frisky when I came to bed, and no amount of stroking was waking you up. I even got you to give me a squeeze, but there wasn't enough grip" He then went on to say he hadn't let that stop him, and had climbed over my legs so he was above me and masturbated.

I was a bit incredulous, as I have absolutely no recollectoon of it at all. I was kind of wrong footed, and didn't know how to respond, but I can't stop thinking about it.
Fast forward a couple of days, and 3LP's thread and the others it has given rise to (I usually have relationships hidden, but had come on to post for advice when I saw the other threads) and I realise that this is not a normal thing for him to have done.
I now do not know what to say to DH, or how I feel about it and I'm terrified that he will do this again, and that it won't stop at just a wank. Like one od the other posters, I take tablets at night to help me sleep (not sleeping tablets but they have that effect)
I have slept on my own for the last two nights, as I can't bring myself to get back in the bed with him. He is beginning to wonder why though and I'm running out of excuses.
God, I'm rambling...but I just can't make sense of it. And yes, we have had sleepy sex in the past, but I have always been awake!
What on earth do I say to him, to tell him how it has made me feel.

I try & look behind the reasons/motivation for a situation rather than coming from the default setting of "all men are bastards"

whilst disregarding the facts and legalities ?

where did anyone say "all men are bastards" ?

all rapists are bastards, I'll give you that one

Need to sign off as out of battery - night!

member, if you have your own personal interpretation of rape, then by all means, live your life according to it

the law says that when someone is drunk, they can't consent. that makes a man who has sex with a drunk woman a rapist, or at least a man who is prepared to risk being called a rapist in order to get his sexual kicks.

if that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, take it up with the Queen's Bench or your MP or something. it's not up to you, rape is defined in law, the shades of grey are not what you assume they are.

Was topk's H very drunk too? That's only where the 'grey' could lie. If he wasn't drunk then that is horrendous...

Oh dear, just cos you think you are not attractive to your partner doesn't mean he doesn't think so. I wonder if he thought 'if she was well she would want to sleep with me' and kind of took his pleasure as an albeit unconscious gift from you? He didn't try to have penetrative sex, used his wife that he loves instead of porn that he despises. I suspect he is pissed off cos how could he possibly explain this to you without sounding like a tosser.

If this is the case then he won't do it again. Do you want to offer him some help - a hand or something - when and if you feel up to it?

Pink, I can't even be arsed to flame that drivel

Well it seemed so sad that OP thinks she is unattractive

I think it is plausible, only OP can say if it's likely.

Pink, even if the OP was seriously unattractive (which I doubt) are you saying she should be thankful her H fancies her enough to wank over when she is asleep ?

he might as well be wanking over a blow up doll or a corpse...and she should be flattered by that ?

really ?

No I am not saying that. I am saying that her H might have acted in good faith, and that he now knows it was unacceptable to her.

And I am also saying that far from it being the case that 'he might as well be wanking over a blow up doll or a corpse' (or a magazine or a porn vid), for the H it was his wife who he wanted to think of sexually and respond to.

At least I am saying that that is within the realms of possibility.

I never said I thought I was unattractive, pinkpussycat, I'm a fox, me :o
I said me unconscious, snoring and drooling was unattractive.

Now, I'm not sure I remember the bit in my marriage vows where I promised to love, honour, and be a piece of meat to be wanked over in sickness and in health...silly me, I must have been asleep!

his unconscious wife

he wasn't "responding" to her, that implies a two-way process

this was a one way process

So why didn't you say it like that? Why be so utterly offensive and inflammatory?

Of

Have you never looked at someone you loved while they slept? Didn't you respond with a feeling of tenderness?

Just to make it quite clear, it seems to me that this coule be quite different from the behaviour described in those other threads.

I just don't bloody believe some of these comments. It's like feminism never happened.

Fruitdrop this is so terrible for you (and Topknob, you too :( ) I have been feeling sick since I started reading this thread. I have a horrible knot in my stomach. I am so sorry that this is going on in your life too, this has happened to me so many times in my marriage I can't even count. It is the norm.

To begin with it felt weird and I suppose, surprising is the word that I will use. This is mainly because being woken up with my husband already, umm, "engaged" in the act, is normally as a result of him wanting to do it in the day/s leading up to it but me not being up for it. (Hence the surprise that I feel, having thought that I must have wanted to after all if my subconscious has given in whilst asleep). He grumbles and complains and sulks a bit at bedtime when he is up for it and I'm not and just says "well I'll have to wait until you go to sleep then" and then in the night I'll wake up whilst we're already doing it. I dont tell him to stop, the easier I can make it for him the quicker it will be over. So the fact that it has happened so often and over such a long period of time means that he probably thinks he has my consent.

I've taken to wearing too-hot pjs, long nighties, anything really that restricts his access to me. ALthough it doesn't work if hes really determined.

But I always thought that it was me that was being unreasonable. And I feel ashamed that I don't want to have sex when he does, to the extent that I felt sorry for him that he has to wait until I was asleep to pursuade my body that it wanted sex even if my brain has said no when awake.

This has become so run of the mill in our marriage now that he tells me in a smutty way the next day that I was "very naughty" in the night or sometimes that it was me who initiates it. I really dont think it is me initiating it- because there are other issues in our relationship which make me want to not sleep with him. But I always thought this just showed that the other problems we had must have been me being unreasonable, if I was willing to give in and have sex when I was asleep?

My head is in a whirl now.

I'm so so sorry to crash your thread Fruitdrop. I just dont think I could face seeing another thread about this issue, let alone one about me.

Climbing over an unconscious body to wank over them does not equal tenderness ffs!

Tenderness is when you give them a little kiss as they sleep, or lie next to them so that you can feel their body heat.

yes, I have looked at someone in their sleep and though "aww, cute, I might jump you later when you wake up"

what it didn't do is make me start tossing one off over them, then boasting about it afterwards

if that is "tender" I dread to think what your definition of "fucked up" would be, Pink

Sorry fruitdrop x-posted. You asked for perspectives. I didn't quite understand from your OP that you felt like a piece of meat to be wanked over. I just thought your H might not of have thought of you as a piece of meat to be wanked over, that's all.

EvacuationWarden, that is appalling.

Why the hell would you want to have sex with someone who does this to you?

How can you possible feel you're up for it when you're unconscious?

It must be awful for you to realise now what's really going on. I'm so sorry.

EW I feel so bad for you

you have to wear difficult-to-access clothes in bed to stop your H raping you

I am so sorry

you know this has to stop, love

Last post. It would not have been boasting from his point of view. If it was an act of love. If.

EW your H is a criminal

matrimonial rape was recognised as a crime in 1991

your husband does not have the right to use your body as he sees fit