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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

228 replies

beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:07

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do Blush so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

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Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:08

Rape crisis said their lines were closed btw. X

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ripsishere · 15/03/2012 13:11

I don't generally come to this area so apologise for intruding.
IMO, what your DH is doing is not normal. It is not part of a loving partnership. If I woke up to find my DH wanking or fucking me (although how he would do that without waking me up is moot) I would kick him in the nuts.
He is lieing to you.
There is nothing healthy about what is happening to you and your friend, with all due respect to her, is a fool.

worldgonecrazy · 15/03/2012 13:12

If he genuinely is asleep when he is doing it, then I would just sleep in a separate bed. I wouldn't immediately discount this theory - many people have sleep disorders that lead to them doing certain behaviours whilst asleep, I've physically booted a few people out of my bed in my sleep, it is worse during times of stress. There was a case in the news a while back of a man who did have sex during his sleep.

However, if he is awake then you need to have a serious conversation with him about him violating you.

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 13:13

Do you believe him when he says he's asleep?

It is possible to engage in sexual activity while genuinely asleep. In that case then the only option is to sleep in separate beds to ensure it doesn't happen.

If you believe he's doing it while awake, then it is sexual assault I'm afraid. I know that's hard to hear.

Either way you have an absolute right to say that you don't want to be groped while you're asleep and your DH must respect that and do something about it either by sleeping in a separate bed or stopping assaulting you.

thedogwalker · 15/03/2012 13:14

Any sexual activity between two people should be consensual. If you are asleep or drunk then you cannot give informed consent and by the letter of the law, without informed consent it is rape or sexual assault. Every person has the right to only participate in such activity as a knowing and willing party, anything less is at best disrespectful, at worst a criminal offence. I would have stern words, as his behaviour towards you cannot continue in this manner.

LucyManga · 15/03/2012 13:17

Do you think he is genuinely asleep> It sounds unlikely, although could be possible.

If he is conscious, this is wrong and most of what has been said on Panda's thread would apply to you, too.

Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:19

Yes I do believe he is asleep as when I have kicked him hardAngry he wakes up! It's as I thought, he just thinks I'm a freak. I might send you message friend wrote to see what I'm up against here Sad

OP posts:
CailinDana · 15/03/2012 13:20

If he is genuinely asleep then separate beds is the only way to solve it. I am really shocked he thinks you're a freak though, does he think it's ok for him to be groping you while you sleep?

piratecat · 15/03/2012 13:22

like worldgonecrazy said, i remember a man being either in the news or on a feature on tv, with the problem of doing similar whilst asleep, and him having no memory of it. It was distressing for him and obviously his wife/partner.

Whether you have nil experience or lots makes no difference to your response to this intrusion, it is wrong. Being touched at all like this whilst asleep is wrong.

NettleTea · 15/03/2012 13:23

As with the other thread - its non consensual if you are asleep. Double and triple so if you have distinctly told him not to. If you believe he is asleep then you need seperate beds, or he needs some treatment to help him (I am sure I saw a programme on this).
The previous abuse is a red herring I think. Does your DH know about it. It could be the cause of you being unsure of enforcing boundaries, but it doesnt make what your husband is doing right.
It IS common for people to maybe caress someone, to see if they might wake them up, or they might be interested, but moving onto touching you intimately or having sex is not.

piratecat · 15/03/2012 13:24

why does he think you are a freak does he think you are making it up or something?

as for your 'friend' i would ignore any suggestion that you being alarmed or upset is something to do with your lack of exp or hangups!

CailinDana · 15/03/2012 13:26

In terms of boundaries OP, I would be ok with DH kissing me or cuddling me to wake me up but if he did anything more than that while I was still asleep or not fully awake I would be very upset. I know he wouldn't though.

Hebiegebies · 15/03/2012 13:29

It's possible he is asleep, as it is upsetting you I think you need to continue to push for help in RL.

21YrOldMan · 15/03/2012 13:31

I might send you message friend wrote to see what I'm up against here

why do you care what your friend says?? It's bothering you, that's all that matters.

If he's asleep, all the talking in the world ain't going to make a difference, because he's asleep- it's separate beds time if you're that uncomfortable with it. One guy made the news a little while ago for strangling his wife whilst he was having a nightmare.

YuleingFanjo · 15/03/2012 13:34

I think your friend is wrong. She is saying had you not suffered abuse you wouldn't have a problem with your DP doing these things to you in his asleep or while he is asleep?

Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:34

Well, he just says its because he loves me and I'm attractive.

Have txt friend saying that I think she is wrong and ranted a bit about things needing to be consensual Hmm FGS

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Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:36

I should add friend is elder of church, Blush

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solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2012 13:38

He's a shitbag, sorry. He is telling you and demonstrating to you that he considers himself, his wants, his wishes, his dick, infinitely more important than you and your feelings. If he was doing it in his sleep, he would be apologetic and agree to separate beds/consulting the GP to find out if there are any factors that trigger it, not just telling you to shut up and put up with it because Helovesyou (which is what a lot of abusive men say when they mean 'I own you, you're an object').

ripsishere · 15/03/2012 13:42

I know my DH loves me. He wouldn't in a million years think that trying to shag me/paw me while I was sleeping was acceptable.
You either need seperate beds or you need to get a sleeping bag. See if he undoes the zip.
Your friend is a silly silly woman.

NettleTea · 15/03/2012 13:43

Well if he is the elder of a church he should damn well know better. Please dont lets get religion mixed up into this.

If he says its because he loves you and you're attractive then that suggests he is doing it conciously........ and also he is pushing the blame onto you because you are SO ATTRACTIVE AND YOU ARE TEMPTING HIM lying there all asleep and come hither, and he cant help himself...

if he insists he is asleep then he needs to get some help and sleep in a different bed. i would definately say he needs to not sleep in your bed until he has sorted it out, as there is definate help available for it. He may then admit he is not asleep. And then you know where you need to go from there.

Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:45

Friend has text to say 'ok but what has DH said when you've discussed this with him?'

I responded 'he says he's asleep and he doesn't know, he's apologetic but that doesn't really help, that bit probably is because of my past'

Thanks for all your replies, half on mumsnet, half watching boys in the garden trying to avert world war 3 x

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Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:48

I am not religious, faith is different and the elders are our marriage guidance counsellors, maybe I just haven't been clear enough with her Confused

I do think he needs help, he has sleep apnea as well x

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Original poster
beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:52

Does anyone know where he can get help? Confused

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CailinDana · 15/03/2012 13:55

It's actually quite difficult to get help for sleep issues, you usually have to go privately. But he could go to the GP about the apnoea and mention the somnambulism in the hopes that he might get help for both.

PooPooInMyToes · 15/03/2012 13:56

First he needs to find out for sure if he does actually have a sleep disorder.

I don't see how you can proceed when you don't know if he's doing it consciously or not.

If it turns out to not be a sleep problem but something he is doing through choice despite knowing you don't want him to then who . . . well Sad

You previous abuse isn't the problem here, his actions are. If anything, the fact you have been abused in the past should make him extra careful about how he approaches you sexually. I know, i have experience here. There are certain things that trigger memories and its so horrible!

Like i said though your abuse isn't the problem although it may be what has caused the delay in realising that this is out of order. Like me you have probably been desensitized to it and would have felt it was normal whereas someone without an abusive past would have had a gut reaction that it was wrong.

I would stop listening to the friend. As much as i am sure she wants to help it Sounds as though she has a certain opinion on such things.

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