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Original poster

Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

228 replies

beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:07

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do Blush so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

OP posts:
beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:34

I'm back and can't namechange in iPod touch. So husband thinks I'm overreacting and basically said it's a sleep disorder 'that link you sent me said so' and he tried to say it had been 5 months since I told him it last happened, it was after Xmas but don't know when and last night. I asked him if he would see his GP and he said 'I'm not telling them that you weirdo, why would I? He shouted and I basically was banging my head against a brick wall. So have given up and come to bed Sad

How do I help him realise, he can be so selfish, he never does empathy, I won't give up on him Sad

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:35

He isn't mortified, it's barely a problem to him Confused

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:42

I know how this is going to go, I'm going to be shat on from a great height whilst everyone watches, happened before. I bet by next week it will all be brushed under the carpet, silly neurotic wifey. Doesn't understand intimacy, makes such a fuss. Feeling resigned now...

21YrOldMan · 15/03/2012 19:44

Buy a second bed.

Tho it does rather sound like that wont solve all your problems.

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:51

O god I've got to make this work, he will never let me sleep in another bed, we're married. Maybe I just need to ring rape crisis.

I can't afford a new bed, have been looking on eBay but DH would have to fetch as I don't drive x

Lovemygirls · 15/03/2012 19:51

You are your own person, able to make your own decisions why don't you take a few days away somewhere (is there a relative or friend you can stay with?) while you decide what you want to do about your future?

It doesn't sound like he wants to change whats happening and you shouldn't continue to sleep in the same bed, if you are not there he cannot do this anymore and then he might start to realise there is an issue and it's unacceptable!

joblot · 15/03/2012 19:52

Sounds rather disrespectful of you op. That's really not ok. Does he trample over your opinions and feelings generally? If so perhaps you need to consider if this person is good enough for you and your kids

Lovemygirls · 15/03/2012 19:53

he will never let me sleep in another bed - seriously? Let you? You do not need permission, you are married but you are not his property or posession, YOU get to decide where you sleep!

Get a bed delivered or sleep on the sofa or an air bed or at a friends etc HE is not in charge of your life You are!

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:54

Maybe he just has a high sex drive and I'm not able to keep up. On AD's so libido has taken a nose dive. And both DC are so little they don't sleep through yet.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 19:54

Ring Rape Crisis love please.

You don't have to make this work. Really you don't.

You have a human right to sleep unmolested in your bed.

That's what you'd tell your son or daughter isn't it?

It's no different for you.

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:57

Yes he generally does get arsey and my feelings don't count really. It sounds awful written down but I've always thought there was something wrong with him, emotionally he is really detached and can't control his anger but on the other hand he can be really gentle. Don't know what to think Sad

Lovemygirls · 15/03/2012 19:58

You know what you need to do.

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 19:59

I have nothing without him, I would never cope with DC

Charbon · 15/03/2012 19:59

It's got nothing to do with his sex drive.

Has he got a rape porn habit?

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 20:03

No, not as far as I'm aware. Masterbation is a no-no for us too (evangelical Christian) He's a software engineer there is no way of checking his computer

MooncupGoddess · 15/03/2012 20:04

You sound very lacking in self-confidence, OP... and your DH sounds like an abusive arse. I'm wondering if the latter has contributed to the former.

Do you have any friends/relations outside the church you could talk to?

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 20:04

He must have a bit of knowledge though as some of the things he wants to do make me Hmm how do you know about that?

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 20:06

No no-one outside the church, sorry probably wasting your time with me. I won't leave him.

Lueji · 15/03/2012 20:07

If you can't afford a new bed, he should go to the floor or sofa.
Or is he likely to sleep walk too? Hmm

As far as I remember there's something on weddings vows about respect, and what he is doing is anything but.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 20:07

So is sexual assault I would imagine Sad

You don't need to be a computer whizz to check his PC. Does he stay up late on the PC? Does he come to bed long after you are asleep and violate you then?

These are all the habits of a porn user, as you wll have seen from the other thread, where at last count three women gave testimony that their partners were into rape porn and were also repeatedly raping them.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 20:11

What does he ask you to do OP that you dislike?

All of us anti-porn campaigners know about the effect that porn is having on people's relationships because we hear the same stories every day. There are lots of threads about it too on here, from women just like you.

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 20:11

I know, I knew he had issues but I still married him. When we got married I was three months pregnant. I had 'saved myself' till I met him and he took it further, I stopped him and was really shocked, we prayed and I asked him to think about what had just happened. The next time I didn't I went along with it and I fell pregnant straight away. Sound like a right case don't I?

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 20:13

He doesn't rape me and no I don't think he is a porn user. He has been coming to bed late but he's a geek, he lives and breathes computers.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 20:14

Oh you poor love. So you're saying the first time you had sex you were raped?

I am so, so sorry.

Charbon · 15/03/2012 20:16

I would bet my house that he is not a computer geek. He is a porn addict.