Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

[beautifulrelease]

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

and my kids forget all the time

my ds also pees all over the seat

would your h say is he disgusting ?

*he is

pre-mooncup, have left used tampons in the loo and forgotten to flush at least three times.

Every time my DH found it, he phones me on my mobile to have a good old laugh at how funny it was that i forgot to flush and how he got a shock when he went to have a pee.

really.
is it not disgusting, that's just normal family life around a normal female human being!!!

he sounds so very unpleasant to be around beautiful.

You know, my H was raised a very strict evangelical Christian, and he would NEVER EVER EVER react to me/my body in that way. Your H is not normal and he is not allowed to treat you like this.

How awful he is using religion as a way of abusing you .

But he's not, when he was a practising Christian he was so gentle, he doesn't bring faith into the relationship that's half of the problem.

I married an evangelist who had a heart for god but he lost his way and has become unrecognisable.

I am going to give him another chance but it will be his last, for mine and the boys sake. The way we have been living has to change. Been to church today and at on point I caught the apostles eye who married us, I just wanted him to see how much I'm trying and how much it hurts that despite my best effort things don't seem to be getting better between us. I wanted to say i'm sorry, pathetic i know. I get my hopes up to have them squashed by my DH inability to control himself. He's been ok today.

I haven't told my DH that the elders know about the groping yet. Think I will tell him 30 mins before they arrive as he will not be impressed I've told them. He doesn't want them to know our business but I think they need to! Thanks for your posts, I keep reading and re- reading them, my heads a bit mashed an I do think I'm in a bit of shock. I feel like someone is goin to come on here and say 'you're over-reacting, my DH does this, you need to grow some balls and stop being so sensitive'.

Perhaps someone will but it really doesn't matter. This is about you, no one else.

You say that you married am evangelist you had a heart for god but its my understanding that he had already raped you by this point, when you woke and found him inside you.

I think you are kidding yourself that he was ever a good person with morals.

An evangelist WHO had a heart for god!

I'm probably going to annoy someone here but 'the rape situation'- it wasn't rape, we had had sex the night before, he woke up before me and started whilst I was asleep, as soon as I was awake enough to realise I let it carry on, surely that can not be rape and I think DH would definitely think I had flipped if I brought that up now.

But you are right I was definitely shocked when he tried it on the 1st time, was quite scared that he was so forward- that isn't someone who lacks confidence in the bedroom department, I wish I could check his computer for anything porn associated but he has passwords

I don't think you should even be attempting to be sorry for your husband's actions. For a start, you cannot apologise honestly for the behaviour of another. So I'd stop the sorries and focus on getting out of there.
For the record, the second chance you are giving him was lost years ago. He's on his thousandth chance. You honestly are wasting your time trying to put this right, and at the expense of your children's mental health.
God, however you believe in him or not, could not condone this abuse.

what a surprise he has passworded his pc

what would he say if you asked for the passwords ?

he wants to make amends, yeah ?

he's a good man who has nothing to hide, yeah

so ask him for the passwords and don't give him time to erase anything before you have a look exactly what he is hiding

And you are bending the definition of rape to absolve him of the crime.
Sex without consent, even if you had it the night before, even if you let it carry on for fear of him kicking off even if you are married, is rape.
If you are asleep, you cannot consent.

it isn't possible to bend the definition of rape

the law is quite clear

Did you want the sex to happen beautiful? If you didn't, then it was rape.

If he wants to make anything better, he needs to hand over the passwords immediately without a second of discussion. If he argues, you know you're in for a nasty shock. But I think you are anyway. There's stuff he'll be hiding on there he does not want you to know about.

He would say why do you want them and say no! As he's a software engineer and knows how to wipe hard drives etc I doubt I would ever find anything, I think it's possible that he has used porn in the past but I don't think so now, who knows? I thought I knew my husband a week ago.

What he will probably do is say "tomorrow" and then cleanse his computer.
Saying an outright NO is a massive red flag (like you needed any more)

You can judge his reaction as a yardstick of how much he wants to save your marriage.
"Yes, of course" = indication he may want to save it.
"No" = any respect he had for you as a person is long gone and you can count that as the first step towards seperation.

you need to take notice of the red flags, not us

It doesn't matter if you had sex the night before, he still has no right to enter your body while you are sleeping.

You might think its not relevant but it is demonstrative of his attitude towards you, towards women, of his feeling of entitlement to have sex with your body. That was just a sign of what was to come.

You can't consent to sex if you are asleep. Past consent does not mean future consent. Being married does not equal automatic consent.

So every single time he wants sex with you he needs to be sure that you also want sex with him. If you woke up with him already inside you then he clearly didn't care whether you were consenting or not.

How's things?

There is a sleep problem that relates to having sex or doing sexual things whilst asleep. My recent EX!! was a bit like that but I never really minded. If I asked him to stop he would, but then in the morning he has no recollection of anything happening.
Your doctor could help if you would be able to get him to go. But separate beds may be the way to go if there has been abuse problems and you are still dealing with those. (understandably)