Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

228 replies

beautifulrelease · 15/03/2012 13:07

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do Blush so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

OP posts:
ripsishere · 15/03/2012 21:19

Presumably they masturbate. I live apart from my DH and see him every six weeks or so.
I have no idea what he does, certainly not leap on me when he first gets home.

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:19

just checking

Gay40 · 15/03/2012 21:24

Sleep apnea makes you tired and have disturbed sleep, not rape your wife.

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 21:25

There's no rape, just clarifying x

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:28

he is sexually assaulting you against your wishes, love

you don't like it, it bothers you

you don't have an ageement that he is allowed to do it

you say he penetrated you when you were asleep in the early days of your relationship

everything he is saying right now is working up to him being allowed to go back to that again

Gay40 · 15/03/2012 21:31

Sleep apnea makes you tired and have disturbed sleep, not sexually assault your wife, even when she says no and you continue to finger and fuck her anyway.
HTH.

Hebiegebies · 15/03/2012 21:33

Have sent you PM

stitchy · 15/03/2012 21:37

I have experience of evangelical Christianity and a much-revered church leader was rumbled having affairs with a couple of congregation members, inappropriate touching/trying to take advantage of others, porn habit etc., it was UNTHINKABLE to many. My advice is under ALL circumstances 'trust your own instincts for what is right and wrong'.

I was very close to the situation pre and post discovery but because I wasn't a Christian, all of my opinions/observations were dismissed as 'invalid' as I wasn't a Christian with an understanding of scripture and a relationship with God etc. Don't let the elders/husband make you feel as though you are incapable of understanding the situation because you're not as developed or knowledgable a Christian as they are.

I'm not a Christian but am happy to apply the old benchmark; What Would Jesus Do? I'm guessing not any of the stuff your husband has done/ is doing to you. He isn't a holy, righteous man as his status within the church suggests, his actions show his true self. I too would bet money on a porn habit.
Take care, trust your own instincts x

oikopolis · 15/03/2012 21:39

sweetie please listen to me.

your husband is supposed to love you like Christ loves the Church. he's supposed to lay down his life for you.

now just think about that.
God has given us free will hasn't He? He never forces us to do anything. He always holds out His hand, and we are the ones who reach out and take it if we want to.
Christ respects our autonomy and personhood. He knows we are all individuals, with our own free wills, wants, needs, loves, fears -- that's how He made us. He works with those things, He's gentle. He never forces or shames us, or shouts at us or hurts us just to get His way.

Now when you look at how your husband has treated you, what he has said to you, can you honestly say he is loving you like Christ loves the Church?

Is he laying down his life for you?

I would say he is laying nothing at all down for you darling. Nothing at all. I would say he demands things from you, shames you, makes you feel small, forces you to do things (like sharing a bed). I would say that by doing these sexual things to you, he isn't showing you love or any kind of sacrifice. He takes from you and doesn't even ask your opinion, or care if you offer it. Is that what Christ would do?

Now listen to me:
As a Christian you are responsible for keeping your body, mind and heart safe and unharmed. Your body, mind and heart were given to you by God and they are a priceless, holy things that require protection and care.

Your husband is hurting you. Body, mind and heart. He is injuring you, making you feel small, shaming you, being so so dreadful to you. This is not what God wants for you. God didn't create you just so your husband could hurt and control you.

Please start thinking about how precious you are. It's a sin to allow a precious thing, beloved of God, to be destroyed.
And I'm not saying that to shame you: I'm saying that because I think a very important truth is being hidden from you in this situation, and i need you to see that truth.

foolonthehill · 15/03/2012 21:42

I have to agree op: status in the church does not mean that any of us are living the life from the inside out...God sees the heart and we only the outside.

If he is living a lie then the points of church discipline should come into play....don't want to drag the thread into a Christian thinking seminar....but worldly wisdom can still be wisdom OP...God gave us our brains as well as His word! (He gave us instincts too....I'm sure for a reason.....)

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 21:43

AF yes he did start to have sex with me but I carried it on so that's irrelevant isn't it? X

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:47

you saw fit to mention it, love, I only reflected what you said in your OP

Lueji · 15/03/2012 21:47

As oikos has suggested, and not turning this into Christian thinking, but if it's relevant to you:
Your body is a temple and should be treated as such.
Wasn't Christ who expelled the money changers from the temple? :)

Anyone who doesn't respect your body (you, in fact) should not have a place in your life.

fabwoman · 15/03/2012 21:48

no

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 21:49

I am not a christian, but what oik said touched me

AnnaBegins · 15/03/2012 22:00

Amazing post oik, made me cry.

OP I don't even know what to say, I just want to give you a big hug. You are precious and worthy of respect, please remember that.

ThreeLittlePandas · 15/03/2012 22:01

Beautiful, I'm sending you the biggest hugs my darling xxxx

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 22:03

I'm reading all your posts and I agree but I think it is me, I'm making a mountain out of a molehill and it really doesn't deserve all of your efforts. DH is saying 'I constantly push him away and he isn't always looking for sex, I interpret him that way' I will be back in the morning but can't stay here as DS2 wakes at 4am and I need to get through tomorrow. Thank you everyone, I will come back x Thanks

AnyFucker · 15/03/2012 22:04

we will be here

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 22:04

Thank you threelittlepandas niteynite, stay safe x

beautifulwho · 15/03/2012 22:06

You can't get rid of me, I'm part of the mumsnet furniture Grin thanks everyone

solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2012 22:12

It's not going to be porn in this case. It really isn't. It's religion. Because this man's brand of superstition is one that thinks wanking to porn is sinful but raping your wife is not, because she's your WIFE so it isn't rape.

While I am a hardline atheist who thinks that all superstitions are harmful to women, I'm perfectly aware that plenty of religious men are not rapists and plenty of religious organisations condemn rape and domestic violence. However, the more hardline the religion, the more likely it is to accept and condone abuse of women and children, because a cornerstone of fundamentalist religion is male superiority and ownership of women, along with a seriously nasty, distorted view of sexuality.

Have a look at this.

Beautiful, if your own religious faith provides you with comfort, it might be helpful to you to talk to other Christians from the kind of denominations that do not believe that sex is dirty and disgusting but men are entitled to have it on women's bodies and blame women for it. But the denomination you and this shitbag man are involved in is a toxic, woman-hating one and these 'elders' are nasty, misogynistic, ignorant, primitive creeps.

Gay40 · 15/03/2012 22:17

It doesn't really matter if you push him away (pathetic excuse) because he just takes what he wants when you are asleep.

foolonthehill · 15/03/2012 22:18

Might be porn SGB, wouldn't be the first. Might be having intimate relations with people he is evangelising...but not penetrating...and excusing the behaviour cos abusers draw the line where it suits them......then wrap the faith around them to justify what they already have decided they can do.

Both above real life egs...known to me...does not make the rest of the people of faith into rape apologists, porn defenders or abusers....there's bad-uns everywhere.......and good-uns too in most places.

solidgoldbrass · 15/03/2012 22:20

I'm not claiming that having a religious faith makes a man an abuser, of course it doesn't. But specific types of religious faith appeal to abusers and encourage them to abuse by telling them that women are men's property/all sluts/inferior to men and that raping your wife is less wicked than looking at porn, because your wife belongs to you, you are married and therefore her vagina is yours.