Need clarification re husband and I was asleep

[beautifulrelease]

So I've been reading the 3 panda's thread and have tried to ring rape crisis just for a bit of clarification. Have namechanged today but I have posted on the other thread a few times (I'm not curiousgeorgie).

Not as serious as three pandas situation but it's still bothering me. I have frequently woken up to find my husband touching me up, breasts, mastarbating me, no penetration. I have asked him not to but he falls back to sleep and carries on.

I have woken up to find him 'in me' but this was very early days in my relationship and he was my 1st and only sexual relationship so I thought maybe this is what you do so I let him carry on.

I have asked him to stop waking me in the night but he says he's asleep, I have little ones so sleep is precious and I still have nightmares about previous abuse and waking up to be groped after dreaming about it is quite alarming!

Have talked this through with someone who I feel I can trust and she says that my DH and sex aren't the issue, it's my past getting in the way of having a healthy sexual relationship. Please can you help me clear this up as I'm very confused whether being pissed off with him is right or not? Thank you lovelies x

No I stopped him, sex wasn't even in the equation, I had no reason to believe it would go that far, he was an evangelist!

By that I mean, I thought he was going to be better at restraining himself than me

This isn't sounding good on paper!

Nope, he is a misogynist who thinks he's entitled to sexually assault his wife.

It is very common for misogynists to hide behind religion and present a false image to the outside world of an upstanding, moral person. You are one of thousands of women married to hypocrites who regularly abuse their partners.

Would you please consider some therapy and help away from the church? You don't have to make any decisions yet, just talk to someone objective who has no agenda apart from your interests?

well done, OP, for starting this thread after your initial angry denials on another thread

I can't help you though, as you appear to believe you cannot do anything to alter the course of your own life. Until you accept that you can you will be frozen in this unhappy situation. There are so many issues here I simply don't know where to start

I wish you well, and applaud you again for your bravery, but I think you need more professional help than MN can give, and I do not mean the church elders

Please ring Women's Aid. The abuse in your marriage goes even deeper than simply your husband raping you, and you (and everyone around you) finding excuses for it.

He has never raped me, I promise. And I think you're right AF I probably will still be married in 20 years time

I haven't stuck this out to walk away now

you don't have to be

you don't have chains around you

your life, if you want to change it, is your own

Thank you AF x

what is your marriage ? A prison sentence ? You talk about your marriage like it is a punishment, something to be endured.

Your husband isn't a special man, OP

he is a common or garden abuser

there are lots of them around

you don't have to stay with an abuser, no God worth his/her salt would insist on that for you

No but the elders have agreed it has to stop so I guess I need to hear what they say x

Ive just been searching the net trying to find a particular page about the church's view on domestic abuse and marriage vows, and although I dont know what denomination you are, and i couldnt find the page I was looking for, there was a hell of a lot of stuff out there which downright condemned any kind of domestic abuse within marriage. I was just reading the beginnings of the general synods report into domestic abuse and they were very clear to make sure they used the wider term of abuse, in all its forms, rather than restricting the discussion on violence. And recommendations for directing survivors towards womens aid, refuge, the police, etc. They totally condemned it. They recognised how the church had often made things worse, how biblical texts had been misenterpreted, and how women had been encouraged to 'show forgiveness' and submit, but that they recognised that as just plain wrong. And that was coming from the top - think was a joint venture between the top dogs from several denominations.

The acceptance and resignation is making me very sad. The facts of how you got together is also making me very sad, and I am not too sure that any 'elders' would look at your husbands behaviour, both then and now, both in the bedroom and out of it, as they way to conduct a righteous marriage. And they do seem to recognise that they often cannot change or deal with an abuser, nor should they attempt any kind of joint discussion.

I wonder if your husband uses his evangelical knowledge to keep you in your place. A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and I am sure that if ou looked you could find passages which would allow you to really treat someone badly. However if this is what is holding you with him, educate yourself a whole lot more about what it ACTUALLY says in there, not some agenda driven biased interpretation.

Beautiful, if the elders tell your husband to stop, he will insist that he can't help it because he has sexomnia. He hasn't of course, but given the 'advice' you've already received from that elder in the church, they are likely to believe that crap aren't they?

:( so sorry you're dealing with this with little rl support.

Please keep talking here.

Your body is yours YOU get to decide what you do with it.

Please don't ever think otherwise, you dont' owe anyone else access to your body.

Abusers will find justifications for their abuse in whatever they can

Be it religion, a troubled background, the demon drink, stress at work, you drove them to it blah bla bla fucking blah

it all boils down to one thing, and one thing only

inadequacy

Yes, hear them. Admittedly jumping to conclusions from your more recent posts, I suspect he will play nice at church and 'put you in your place' at home

My love, you shouldn't be living like a second-class citizen in your own home with a man who has promised God to love, protect and respect (honour) you. Please doo keep ringing Womens Aid and Rape Crisis - you'll feel more like yourself when you talk to women who understand everything and have seen it before. It makes a huge difference :)

I'd also second having a snoop on his computer, when you get a clear chance. We're kind of getting used to these stories about rape porn addicts :( If he's using that kind of stuff, the elders won't be too impressed.

This next is way out of my usual advice, but I have my reasons! Start praying. Pray for greater equality, respect and understanding in your marriage. Pray for guidance and inspiration, to lead you both towards a mutually loving & rewarding sex life within the rhythms of a happy, balanced marriage. Pray for your husband to appreciate everything you are (and you him), not to separate your bodies from the soul.

God wouldn't want evangelists with tortured souls to be spreading his word, I imagine. Make sure the elders know (probably discuss the form of your prayers with them) - and make sure he sees & hears you. Invite him to join you.

And remember to make those calls!
:)

It is one million per cent true that abusers will always have a reason/excuse.

PS - If you really can't get through to WA, try Respect. The organisation is set up to help male abusers, but several mumsnetters have found them to be great at identifying any abusive patterns in your relationship and advising. They can't come and rescue you or anything, though.

He's in bed next to me and says it's his sleep apnea, he's referring to the BBC link to sexomnia and he says GP will understand when he explains we only have sex once a month. Told him that was rubbish and I have issues

Just to clarify, what do husbands do when their wives can't?

is your husband reading this thread ?

Nooooo! Flipping heck x

when their wives can't what ? have sex ?

sex is a want not a need

does your H understand that ?

it's not a woman's responsibility to give a man sex

Beautiful...even as an evangelical Christian there are things to work out here, I was also in an abusive marriage, have linked (I guess nettle might have seen it on thread 5 of the EA) domestic violence and the church and psalms40vs2.wordpress.com/2011/02/08/a-biblical-response-to-domestic-violence-by-leslie-vernick/ also i have something else that I can't quite lay my mouse on...will post when i find it.

BTW this was part of my story too....I only realised with Pandas that I had been suppressing it as such a violation (look still can;t even type the real word)