Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

OP, I make no judgement about the type of sex life you and him have

Cheating with a prostitute is simply that

Having a liking for something out of the ordinary doesn't excuse it in any way

When are you going to talk about it with him ?

With-holding the fact that you know isn't helpful. He has lied and you are condoning it with your silence. What has to happen before you will confront him ?

....AbF maybe this isnt the place to have that debate?

OP - can he not put his sexual wants on hold just for a little while though while though? sex changes when kids are around. I have teens and its even worse....they are up later, they are likely to know what each squeak of the bed means....what did he think having children would mean to your sex life?

The bottom line is I suppose too as others have said - he is no partner in the truest sense. At the first hint of things 'going wrong' for him - him not getting exactly what he wants - he'll turn his back on you and go elsewhere.

That situation can arise - and will do again and again - in all walks of life.

Don't stay with a man you know will let you down.

can you ignore the fact he is paying other women for sex behind your back OP?

Ok.. Almost caught up. I apologise if my posts were confusing, I have spent 5 days in fog of confusion trying to get my head around this and it shows doesn't it.

AbF ermm thanks, some useful comments, some not so. My marriage probably is over as many of you have said but he has never ever given me cause for doubt in anyway. We probably haven't had more than 3 or 4 cross words in 20 years. Pathological liar and mysogenistic cheat or an ill judged stupid selfish mistake? To me there is a difference, I know some disagree.

AF I will speak to him, I don't think I am condoning what he has done by my silence, I just don't knee jerk on anything (you should see me buying shoes) He won't make it to the weekend without being called to account, I promise.

:) You really don't have to apologise for anything, you know, and you make your decisions your way in your own time. Just use your thread for ruminating, trying ideas out, and so on.

I know you know this! Thought it worth a virtual shoulder-squeeze.

Don't let me push you, love, and make a promise to yourself not us

This is for you to handle in the way you see fit

My questions were to make you think about why you appear to be procrastinating. You see personally, if I acted like this I would be aware I was rationalising and bargaining to the point where I persuaded myself to stick my head in the sand.

Snap AF....OP - that was my fear for you - that you would talk yourself out of talking to him.

i wish you luck in that conversation.

fairynuff, TBE, as long as Op is mindful of what she is doing of course she must do things in her own way

The last thing I would judge you for OP, are your sexual preferences.

But I think they are a side-issue and relevant only in the sense that your disclosure counteracts some of the absurd stereotypes that have been applied to you on the thread.

It's no surprise to me and others that you have broad sexual tastes and needs. Why wouldn't you?

What you say about him always suggesting sexual play at inappropriate times does not surprise either. Nor does the change you noticed.

People do not become manipulative overnight, but they tend to up the stakes when they are guilty about something they want to do, but are unwilling to take responsibility for it and loathe still to disclose it. So they set 'traps' knowing how their partners will respond. They engineer the circumstances when a 'no' will be forthcoming, or when sex will be monochrome and vanilla. It's not that they actually want technicolour sex or even sex at all - but they want someone else to take responsibility for their own unwillingness to engage. In effect he has put the blame on to you for something he didn't want to do - with you.

I'm curious about your statement that you need to know whether you can get past this before you confront. Isn't it as important that you know if you can't get past this before you confront?

Generally people know early on when they can't get past something, but they don't know whether they can until much further down the line. So the clarity you seek about your capacity for forgiveness is in reality some distance away from you. Don't let that delay you.

I'd suggest it's more important that you find out exactly the size of the problem and counter your fears about opening the 'Pandora's box' you mentioned upthread.

Forgiveness based on only a fraction of the offences committed and admitted is not worth giving or having.

There is nowt wrong with what you like sexually. If it works for you and your partner then that is great.

Unfortunately I think that some S/D can be a little awkward with children around, especially as you say when a little one is not sleeping through the night yet! If it is what you like then it must be as frustrating for you as well as him that you cannot do what you want. However you have accepted this as a necessary thing for now.

What I find interesting is that for the best part of 20 years when you have been free to do what you and he want he appears to be happy and accepting due to his needs being met. As soon as there are changes due to circumstances like children then he goes elsewhere.

He could have arranged for babysitters & a hotel room or weekend away or discussed/asked you if you would like to.

Good luck.

Sex lives change after children

fact

anybody that doesn't understand that is stupid, selfish or abusive

I'm just going to throw this in, purple, because I'm tired and got exasperated in this afternoon's chunk of thread. I suspect Hatty may have covered this ground; I'll catch up later.

When you tease, deny and make him beg: it's a game, isn't it? When he really feels like begging (for some specialist action), he doesn't do it. Your domination is role-play only. He will not ask you for what he wants, much less consider your actual feelings. He just fucks off to a more readily available dom, not even bothering to square it with you.

You must be aware that sub sex appeals to a high proportion of power freaks. I've never been interested in the psychology of that - could be 'release' or the tension of watching someone try playing their game, or summat else entirely. I mention this because, like a lot of other old hands here, I see clues in your posts that you are controlled in your relationship. Perhaps the mistress game has blinded you to it.

I'll leave you with that. You strike me as very grounded despite the mayhem your world has just become. You must be good at your stuff

This is no longer a game. Use that analytical mind of yours, and turn your skills to self-protection. Master your own destiny.

Well the op is aready overexplaining an talking herself out of confronting him$

Don't think this is a dealbreaker for her so those of us who think it is are wasting our breath.

I don't feel that his particular sexual tastes are relevant. It is no more excusable for someone who likes sd to have sex with another person or a prostitute then it is for someone who loves missionary position tame sex to do the same. I often feel that those with more unusual sexual tastes use it as an excuse.

I would also be suspicious that he has always gone to prostitutes for extras. Just because you've only just found out about it is neither here nor there. He rationalized it so well . . .

Carmen i didn't get that she was doing that at all! If she does though that's her business. As I've said before on mn, we are here to give an opinion, not control the ops life like pieces on a chess board. Getting stroppy because to the op might not do what you way them to do is ridiculous.

What PooPoo said (and not just because I've never had the opportunity to say that before!) Nobody should rush their life on the say-so of a forum thread.

I did feel the d/s thing was relevant because:
it explains his abnormal frustrations with quiet sex;
the fact that he goes outside the marriage to satisfy his fetish tells us the fetish is more important to him than his marriage & family;
the fact that it's a fetish gives him a 'justification' in his mind;
quite a bit of purples's identity and the basis of their relationship might be tied up in the role play;
many controlling people choose this sex game.

Purple, it is unusual for a married couple not to row. Since no two individuals are the same, there should be areas where you fiercely disagree. Has the sex been keeping you bonded to a husband you don't really know very well? Or are you scared of rows? What do you think?

Pathological liar and mysogenistic cheat or an ill judged stupid selfish mistake? To me there is a difference, I know some disagree.

OP I'd guess he's the former. You don't suddenly wake up one day and think paying for sex is okay because you have an eleven month old baby, most people get more moral once they have dcs.

Pathological liar and mysogenistic cheat or an ill judged stupid selfish mistake?

The answer to that can be found in 'listening to what the man said'. He has already told our OP that he doesn't view paying for sex as wrong or a mistake, but a justifiable action in some circumstances.

That conversation makes it easier to decide. Something doesn't suddenly become wrong and unjustifiable to someone only when they are found out. If it is presented that way, it is usually only because it is politic and self-serving to do so. It becomes a 'learned' response rather than a true, instinctive judgement. What a person believes about their behaviour while they are doing it undetected is the best barometer of their values and fortunately the OP has that information now after the conversation she had with her husband.

I agree that you sound measured and logical OP and I support your decision to reflect and take your time. I do think it should be active time though, where you use it to get as much information as you can with which to make your decision. Refusing to open the box and find out how much worse this could be means you're making a bargain, not a decision.

How are you purple?

Well.. I opened the box :( I don't really know where to begin.

Firstly he claims he didn't ever use their services. He admits bookings etc and says he can see how it could look but had a ready supply of excuses like he cancelled, the booking was for Mike (not his real name) who is single etc etc.

Secondly I asked. Have you lied to me? His response was. What? Ever? Yes. I lie if its easier to or not worth the whole big conversation that'll take place if I don't but never about anything big that really matters?

I asked him about some other stuff I found when I did a bit of digging such as email addresses I didn't recognise and again, he had a ready supply of reasons which really didn't make all that much sense. You know, if somone told me he was a 'Bonesman' I would totally accept that. Who mentioned sociopath? You must be close.

So he's currently sleeping in his study as I don't want him near me right now. He doesn't want a divorce ("it wouldn't be permitted" was his actual comment on the subject, by whom I was too exhausted to ask).

My life is fucked isn't it

OP, he sounds crackers.

He hasn't really answered any of your questions has he?

Admits that he has made bookings? What all for his mate? Why, if his mate is single. Would you really expect a married man to do that for you/

Even if it were true(unlikely) then I would expect my dp to say 'oh yes, i did it for so and so and this is why etc etc'

Then again, I wouldn't really want to think that I was a man who organised prostitutes for his friends. I would hope that he would have no involvement whatsoever.

Sorry, I just reread.

He says he made bookings, but cancelled.

So he was seriously considering it then? Almost as bad as actually going ahead

"it wouldn't be permitted"

??? by whom?

Oh, dear, purple, it's starting to look like you've got a bona fide nutter on your hands.