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Original poster

Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

367 replies

oldaninpurple · 11/03/2012 00:41

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:
carmenelectra · 12/03/2012 19:42

Absentfather, up to this point the OP thought she was in a happy marriage. They have two little kids asnd had regular sex.

She hasn't said that her dh has spoken to her about being unhappy. He has just casually booked a prostitute whilst behaving quite normally.

Is she meant to be a mind reader?what wrong with saying look our sex life is a bit dull so let's get some time on our own. Or whatever.

I can'thave sympathy for this man.its not the same as a woman (or man)spitefully denying the other person sex.

oikopolis · 12/03/2012 19:44

AbsentFather i beg you not to turn this thread, where the OP is seeking help and support, into a soapbox for Fathers4Justice or similar. seriously. please.

start your own thread if you feel an insatiable urge to bang on about how hard done by you are

garlicbutter · 12/03/2012 19:48

oldan, thank you for answering my question. It was rude of me to ask. I'm sorry.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 19:49

If you are seeing prostitutes then you are not happy. If you are hitting the bottle every night then you are not happy.

The OP is sadly the partner who is in denial. The husband is already in the early stages of divorce and detachment whilst the OP is still clinging to the belief that everything will be alright.

The guy needs to do the right thing and end the marriage however much that will turn his otherwise comfortable existence upside down.

I have sympathy for the both of them but it is necessary at times in life to move on and start again rather than clinging to what was good about your past.

carmenelectra · 12/03/2012 19:50

Is the OP's husband in a bad marriage then?

Is it bad because she only has 'basic' sex whilst she has a baby in the next room. Its not like her dh has put up with years of shit sex for reason is it?

And bad marriages can end amicably without the man losing everything.however finding out your old man has been screwing hookers aint ever gonna end pretty.personally I'd make sure he suffered bad.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 19:51

AbF, don't hijack this thread with your MRA rhetoric please

it is misplaced, and more than a little creepy

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 20:00

I had to google MRA

No problems I will save that for the Feminism topics.

And yes shagging hookers is a sure way to ensure a bad divorce. The OP needs some male friends to set the husband straight. I would happily give him some good advice.

carmenelectra · 12/03/2012 20:01

I agree with you on that absentfather. He can't be happy. So why the hell didn't he sit down and try and sort it?

SigmundFraude · 12/03/2012 20:05

What would I do? Well that would really depend on the state of my relationship.

I would probably confront him, tell him how unacceptable it was to me, and then discuss where we went from here. I have DC's, so I wouldn't automatically jump to the 'ditch him' conclusion. I suppose I would try to see whether the relationship could be salvaged.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 20:07

Because from a male perspective the more you discuss, the more issues and tensions you are likely to create. Women are easily offended and us men lack the empathy to realise what we are saying.

Best tactic we figure is to keep quiet and hope it blows over whilst women are desperate to communicate.

My personal take is that this is too far gone now to save. Best they can hope for is an amicable separation/divorce.

ledkr · 12/03/2012 20:15

Best tactic we figure is to keep quiet and hope it blows over whilst women are desperate to communicate

Oh yes and pay for sex with a prositute Hmm

By we are you talking for all men abf cos i know many males who are happy to discuss things with their partners.

jifnotcif · 12/03/2012 20:15

What do you think he would do if I told him I was putting the baby in nursery and going to set up as a specialist erotic practitioner. He would probably splutter into his coffee but if its just transactional, he shouldn't mind too much should he? I won't do it, but I may ask his view?

Brilliant. Do it - ask him.

Then tell him not to ever think about having sex without you ever again or you're out. Stupid foolish man.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:16

Gosh, AbF, I congratulate you on how many sexist cliches you can fit into a couple of sentences. That is impressive !

Although I do agree with you last line, I suspect it is for very different reasons than your own Smile

SigmundFraude · 12/03/2012 20:17

'Because from a male perspective the more you discuss, the more issues and tensions you are likely to create. Women are easily offended and us men lack the empathy to realise what we are saying.

Best tactic we figure is to keep quiet and hope it blows over whilst women are desperate to communicate.'

I think it is unreasonable to expect someone to not mention something as hurtful as this. If your wife had visited an escort agency and you found out, would you keep quiet? That really isn't going to happen.

I wouldn't say all women are easily offended, some are. I can appreciate that someone visibly upset and wanting to go over and over the same thing can be stressful. But you have to appreciate the reasons for it.

I have been in situations where exp's (men) have behaved in the way you describe women do, and I have sat there silently, not knowing what to say and wishing to God it would end.

AKissIsNotAContract · 12/03/2012 20:25

I'm not sure I agree that OPs husband is unhappy. I think he believes he's doing his wife a favour by not pestering her with his needs. He's getting all his needs met - has the respectable facade of a wife and children while indulging in his kinks with prostitutes. I don't believe he wants to change anything. It's up to the OP to decide whether this is the life she wants for herself, but I think the choice is to accept this or split as I doubt this man will want to change.

TheCrackFox · 12/03/2012 20:26

Most men would be highly offended if their wife was visiting male prostitutes behind their back.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 20:26

Sounds like you have been through counselling.... Painful.... The ex going over and over the same points but no progress being made because progress involves coming around to their way of thinking.

If only we can all realise early, when our marriages are doomed and get out and save months and years of futile efforts.

Hattytown · 12/03/2012 20:27

In all the recent research about men paying for sex, marital unhappiness and dissatisfaction were way down the list of excuses provided by those men. Most at least had the honesty to admit it was a personal weakness that no relationship however good, could support or prevent.

Telling the OP that she is in denial about the happiness in her marriage is cruel and misinformed. It is also a not-so-subtle attempt to blame the OP for her husband's behaviour.

OP I just wanted to tell you that I believe you when you say that your relationship was happy. I also hope that if and when you do confront your husband about this, he will at least be as honest as the men in the research - that this had nothing to do with marital unhappiness and everything to do with his own demons and his unwillingness to share them with you.

Don't let anyone distort your truth.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 20:29

"I'm not sure I agree that OPs husband is unhappy. I think he believes he's doing his wife a favour by not pestering her with his needs"

Really simplistic take on men. We don't all have a teenage boys perspective on relationships.

If he is going elsewhere when he has a wife and children then clearly he is not happy/ of sound mind.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:31

AbF, I think your take on men and women is the "simplistic" one here

TheCrackFox · 12/03/2012 20:35

He might be very happy but also a selfish arse.

Why did he have to resort to prostitutes instead of trying to work it out with his wife. The "problem" of vanilla sex only started 11 months ago with the birth of their second child who is still not sleeping through the night. Who, presumably, will start sleeping through in the next few months.

Would it have killed him to wait a couple of months?

SigmundFraude · 12/03/2012 20:36

'If he is going elsewhere when he has a wife and children then clearly he is not happy/ of sound mind.'

I would dispute that, to an extent. Are you saying that you can't be happy and seek extra marital sex, because I don't think that's true.

jifnotcif · 12/03/2012 20:36

Good post Hattytown. There's no mystery or depth in this, as I said, he's a stupid, foolish man.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/03/2012 20:38

forgive me for sounding really really thick here, but isnt AbF simply saying what most of the other posters on this thread are saying?

i read his replies (ignoring the cliches) as saying pretty much the same as every other (female) poster - which was damage is done, call it a day....

or is it just me?

the op is being incredibly restrained, but i would be feeling the need to sit down and explain that while he was shagging prostitutes she was looking after their children, while he was putting both their sexual health in danger for his cheap thrills she was not refusing sex, that things simply alter by the very nature of having children. If he cant accept that then what does that say about him, their relationship, his love for his family???

AbF is right - its broken.

i would be going absolutely, bat shit crazy with him by now.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:41

like I said, Vic, I agree with the bottom line of what AbF is saying, but I suspect coming from a completely different viewpoint