Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

Oh no, just seen the booking post. Sorry OP, please believe me, not all men are like him.

Hatty, I don't like misogynists either. Neither does DS. We differ in our approach. I ask 'did you mean to be so rude?'. he says 'don't be so fucking sexist'. :o

And how long have you known?

I would be gutted, and raging at his betrayal. What sort of bastard have you married?

Don't you dare take responsibility for this.

Where is he now? I honestly don't know. He's supposed to be on a boys night out but.. I don't expect him back tonight as he respectfully stays out when drinking. I won't go into too much detail but I had a hideous experience with a drunk man in the past and don't deal well with the smell of lager\pubs\drunkeness. Dont say it,I know :(

Ok sorry to put a cat amongst the pigeons but there are lots of fathers who post on here frustrated with their wives who are no longer interested in sex. They are castigated for looking at porn, they are told off for friendships with other women, they are denied a sexual relationship with their wives yet the wife is never held accountable for withdrawing from the relationship. TBH I would rather my husband visited an escort (and used a condom obv) than had an emotional affair with an old girlfriend he still had feelings for. Fortunately I have always loved the sexual side to our marriage and have always had the energy to keep that aspect going. I think it's incredibly important, if you don't still fancy each other or have sex you are (I'm sorry) nothing more than glorified flat mates.

Oh fuck. Oldanin, that is utterly shite. I am so, so sorry. It would be an ultimate deal breaker for me - DP would be out the door so quick he wouldn't know what was happening.

'We're still having sex (or we were) its just more conservative IYSWIM than it was'. So 'conservative' sex is not good enough for him? FFS. That's all I can say - I cannot even muster up an articulate response, so busy am I being disgusted by your 'D'P.

Only you can decide how best to proceed, OP. However, to me, the betrayal, the lying, the paying to 'use' women, would be unforgivable. Also, this is representative of his attitude towards women - he sees women as 'commodities'. Not to mention that so many women in the sex industry are trafficked, forcibly given drugs so as to make them addicted and dependent, traded and sold.

I cannot even begin to understand how painful this is for you. Please remember that there is support here for you.

Poshmummie, don't comment if you haven't read the thread properly. It makes you look like an ignorant twat and an apologist for cuntish behaviour, which I'm sure you're not.

Poshmummie, OP has not 'withdrawn from the relationship'. Neither is she 'denying her husband a sexual relationship'.

Quite frankly, if I was in a coma for a year I still wouldn't expect my DH to use a prostitute .

It comes down to whether a man sees a relationship as a working partnership, or a convenient selection of orifices to stick his cock in to, for his own pleasure.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

Oh god don't any of you understand? Men like sex. If there isn't any sex or any prospect of it at home they look elsewhere. It's a fact, I used to work in the City in a mostly male environment and one thing I learnt is that men love to have women as their friend and lover. If the sex disappears so does their enthusiasm for other aspects of the relationship. Ask any (honest) man. Why do women on Mumsnet find this fact so hard to face and get incredibly aggressive if anybody suggests it.

You haven't read the thread. You look really stupid.

I think you must be on the wrong thread poshmummie because none of that little tirade has any relevance to the OP's situation, seeing as she hasn't 'denied' her H a sexual relationship and up till her discovery was still having sex with her husband (unfortunately unwittingly risking her and her baby's health in the process).

Fortunately I think you're in a minority of men and women who would support their partner's use of another human being in favour of him developing feelings for a friend and treating her with dignity and respect, but I imagine the OP would have simply wanted what she was entitled to: complete fidelity.

OP have you searched for other E mail accounts/bank statements/phone bills to see whether there are other occasions? It's unlikely to have been a one-off. Look for cash withdrawals and match them with key dates.

No, educate us Poshmummie keep digging , please.

poshmummie perhaps my DH would be better married to you then? We had sex lots until I found out about fucking Kinky Katie it was just quiet and not as adventurous as pre DC's

I think he views the world like yourself, I don't, but each to their own.

Stupid? Oh don't patronise me. I have read the thread. Lady has two young children, the fun oohh ahhh orgasmic sex has gone out of the marriage her DH visits prostitutes to compensate for his wife being on tenterhooks about children waking up and not getting in the mood. It's text book stuff happens all the time. Get a babysitter and spend some time alone away from the baby nonsense and be adults together. Don't let it get to the point where your DH is banging away at a street walker.

hatty we have seperate bank accounts so can't check his personal one :( haven't looked for anything else.. Dont really want to face it if I'm honest, not yet

Oh, I just got it. Poshmummie is actually Posh spice.

OP, you need to decide if you feel your marriage is worth saving. And if you do want to, how you can learn to trust him again.

Poshmummie wrong place, wrong time & completely off the mark. The OP needs support not you sprouting some shit about men's needs. Read the entire thread before commenting.

purple sorry to hear what's happened. I'd be devastated, then fucking furious and then practical. Is there someone in RL you can talk to?

Not mn-y but big hugs

Poshmummie, sorry, but that is complete bollocks. Men are not poor wee eejits, at the mercy of their penises. Men like sex? Shocker. Women like sex too. That does not excuse men paying abused, vulnerable women for sex.

'If there isn't any sex or any prospect of it at home they look elsewhere'. So, women must offer up sex every time their partner feels a bit horny, or he might go off and shag / 'buy' another woman? I suppose we all ought to be at home, trussed up in nipple tassels and stilettos, with a casserole in the oven, pouring a brandy for our DP's as soon as they get home. FFS.

Oh grow up! Men and women like sex. Christ, you're trying to big yourself up here about your own love for sex and in the process, put the OP down with some rubbish stereotype you've got about women that has got nothing to do with this thread or the OP's dilemma.

Paying a prostituted woman has got fuck all to do with 'liking sex'.

So sorry OP that you've had such an idiotic and unhelpful response on your thread. Please ignore.

You don't really need any more evidence love, because once is once too many. It's just I think it's likely your H will protest that it was either 'just the once' or even that he didn't go through with it. Both of those statements will be lies and it's best to be forewarned. If you had other evidence that you didn't reveal all at once, it just makes it easier to expose those lies and it will strengthen your resolve.

If he's in the habit of staying out all night, I guess you know about all the opportunities he's had. Does the date booked on the E mail coincide with one of these nights out, or another time when he lied about his whereabouts?

Sorry, lots of cross posts. Poshmummie, seriously? Poor menz needs sex. What rot. Your terminology is vile, btw - 'banging away at a street walker' . Hideous. OP. hope you are okay. Please keep talking on here, and ignore all of the misogynistic shite.

OP So sorry! Hope that everything works out well for you eventually!

Thumbs up to Hattytown and thumbs down to Poshmummie

Purple - sorry you are going through this. I'm afraid it would be a dealbreaker for me. As has been said, he is happily risking your health to get his kicks.

One of the few things that I could NEVER forgive. Have you spoken to him about it?

im so sorry youre going through this. So hurtful!
I dont know that it would be a deal breaker for me if everything else was great, but i certainly think id find it hard to trust.
I wonder if everything else is really as great as you thought, because there must be a lack of communication there if he'd consider going this far. Its a shame he considers the kinky bits of sex to be more of an important need than monogamy and trust. I imagine its hard if he originally felt that part of his personality has to be put on the backburner while the dcs are still tiny, but going off with someone else shouldnt have been an option unless mutually agreed. Saying that you sound like you want to repair the relationship. I think he needs to know that you know, and that youre hurt. You have to decide if you still trust him and can get past this.
Youre not obliged to get back into kinky stuff if you dont feel ready, but also having children shouldnt have to stop you if you DO want to. how about stairgates on their door, or a lock on yours, or doing it in a different part of the house that they wouldnt hear. It is tricky though