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Original poster

Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

367 replies

oldaninpurple · 11/03/2012 00:41

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
oldaninpurple · 12/03/2012 15:24

hatty as much as it pains me, to say it. Yes. I don't get why now I'm as certain as I can be pre DC he wasn't doing anything like that. We've known each other nearly 20 years.

larry Grin indeed I should but..... Why pay for a registration in order to access an escort site to book a prostitute for a friend? Would you do that for a mate?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 12/03/2012 15:28

I don't get why now I'm as certain as I can be pre DC he wasn't doing anything like that

The pat, and good-enough, answer to that is "madonna-whore" complex, as Hatty said. Your wife is sexy until she becomes a Mother. A Mother mustn't be carnal. So she's not sexy. Catch 22.

oikopolis · 12/03/2012 15:34

op i'm so sorry

Original poster
oldaninpurple · 12/03/2012 15:38

garlic conmpletley beside the point but not really, its more a pleading iyswim

OP posts:
larrygrylls · 12/03/2012 15:40

Old,

Yes, I probably would, to be honest. I would be deeply uncomfortable about it but the friendship would trump my reservations. And his friend may have paid him back. His friend might have said that all his statements etc were checked by his wife so could he just do him a favour.

In all probability, it is him. However, if he kept a straight face and did not even sweat or blush when you started the conversation about prostitutes, it would make me wonder. He is either an exceptionally good actor or maybe innocent. I think you should at least challenge him on it. You might have worried yourself over "nothing" (depending on how badly you would feel about him facilitating his friend's behaviour).

Abitwobblynow · 12/03/2012 15:47

"Yes it really, really is. Believe me."

How do you know, Hatty?

I really am interested in how you know, so look forward to your reply.

rockinhippy · 12/03/2012 16:01

OP you sound cowed and afraid of your husband You've let him construct a ludicrous defence for 'men's needs' without any challenge. You've also now seen him lie to your face. I hope you get the strength to confront him and challenge his attitudes - and the strength to decide that you are worth so much more than having a man like this in your life.

That old ChestnutHmm -

I don't see ANYTHING in Olds post that imply her DH is a controlling abuser - he may well be of course, but he may also not - but we are obviously not reading the same posts hatty as I don't see anything written that implies your take on it - you need to step back & stop wiping your own experiences all over the OPs posts - not every man is a controlling abuser & not everywoman who hasn't up sticks & ran out of the door at the first hint of trouble is weak, beaten down & allowing herself to be controlled.

From what I read, Old is simply biding her time in a very calm manner & not letting her emotions take over & make decisions BEFORE she has all the facts, she's also keeping calm enough to allow her DH to speak candidly & dig himself into a hole - sounds pretty strong & damned sensible to me

my own exs backside didn't touch the floor on the way out of the door - that was the right move for me, but olds circumstances are different, DCs for a start, so she needs to evaluate the situation properly & calmly, not easy, but IMO it takes a far stronger woman to calmly take that stance for the sake of her DCs

good luck old

larrygrylls · 12/03/2012 16:03

Children make ALL the difference and, from what I see, the OP is treating the situation maturely and with a sense of humour. She will make up her mind after she has established the facts and when she is good and ready.

HesterBurnitall · 12/03/2012 16:17

Is it ok for you to state what she will or should do, Larry? It seems to me that your fear isn't that she'll be pushed into a decision, but of a woman making a choice you don't support.

Purpe, I'm so sorry you're going through this and impressed by your openness and dignity. My only advice is not to fritter your energy away on what you might have done wrong (nothing) but to focus on what you want to happen next, the kind of life you want to live and what would make you happy. Once you know that, working out what to do next is so much easier.

larrygrylls · 12/03/2012 16:22

Hester,

Have I stated what the OP should do? Other than make up her own mind when SHE is ready. So, yes it is OK.

It seems to me that a lot of other people seem to be trying to goad her into doing something immediately and then actively accusing her of weakness or collusion when she states that she is not ready to do anything definitive yet.

And, I am sure that if the OP was not grateful for my input, she can tell me to go away.

Hattytown · 12/03/2012 16:42

Oh this is not about my personal experience. I've never been in an abusive relationship and none of my partners has never paid for sex, as far as I know. My husband of nearly 30 years hasn't and I haven't either. I am projecting nothing about my own personal experiences on to the OP and am 'listening' to what she is saying and telling her what I see.

Wobbly I've explained repeatedly why IMO a man paying for sex is worse than a man having an affair, but this is not your thread and it doesn't matter what bargains you're able to make in your marriage. We are here to discuss the OP's.

It's interesting oldanin that the manipulation resonates with you. The 'why' is of course difficult to assess without asking him - and even then he might not tell the truth to either you or himself.

It could be that the porn he has been using is more extreme than it once was, that there have been live porn interactions that you've been unaware of and that he's become desensitised to sex in a loving relationship. Or it could be more deep-seated than that and reflective of attitudes he's always had (but hidden) about women and sex.

HesterBurnitall · 12/03/2012 16:57

I just think if your worried that the OP could be 'guilted into' making the wrong decision for her based on opinions on MN then adding your opinion is hypocritical. To then tell us what the op will do is interesting, given it's the opposite of what you fear she'll do.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/03/2012 17:37

i have no idea how you are managing not to speak with him about it OP, i am afraid my demeanour at finding something like this out would betray me, are you planning on talking to him about it?

i may be entirely wrong, but i am sensing the temptation to do a '3 wise monkeys'....?

lambethlil · 12/03/2012 17:41

I don't think the OP sounds cowed. She's being very sensible with the GP visit and getting all her ducks in a row before reacting.

Good luck OP.

Xales · 12/03/2012 18:19

I am afraid I will have to disagree with your H's argument OP.

basically its a transaction between two consenting adults - I disagree.

As soon as he is sexually intimate with a prostitute he is risking his wife's sexual health. This means it is a transaction between two consenting adults and one completely oblivious and at risk adult.

As soon as he spends money of the marriage in order to do anything with a prostitute he is taking money from his wife and children.

As soon as he premeditatedly set up this meeting and went off to do it he is lying to his wife, taking time out that could be spent discussing what they could do ie mutually spending some time & money on a weekend away to do what he wants.

How many times is acceptable for him to go and visit this prostitute and waste family money on his sexual selfishness? Once a year? Once a month? Once a week?

He is selfish, a cheat and a liar.

Good luck OP take your time to sort yourself out, do what you feel is right for you and your children.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/03/2012 18:31

I am amazed as well op that you have managed to not mention it. I would be like a screaming maniac! At least i think i would, you never really know i suppose.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/03/2012 18:38

However, if he kept a straight face and did not even sweat or blush when you started the conversation about prostitutes, it would make me wonder.

Many of us who experienced infidelity will agree with me who say that cheaters often are amazingly good liars - they are capable of looking at you in the eye and lying, and the main reason for this is probably because they are used to keeping secrets, hiding things and lying.

I also think they are used to self denial/self deluding/self justifying, which make it easier for them to tell barefaced lies.

MadAboutHotChoc · 12/03/2012 18:38

OP - hope you are ok Sad

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 18:58

Too many married men trapped in marriages going nowhere who turn to prostitutes when they should just get out.

You lose your home, your children, possessions and financial security to divorce your wife or put up with a bad marriage and go sleep with prostitutes or turn to drink?

Time to change the divorce laws and encourage more men to do the right thing and leave when a marriage is not working rather than a few years later when the wife catches them paying for sex elsewhere.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 19:03

AbF, there was nothing stopping this man from ending his marriage before this point, presumably

men lie this don't want to end their marriages, don't be silly

They want it all, they think they are entitled to it. The home fires burning, fragrant mummy to bring up his kids, someone to wash his undies and the right to seek excitement elsewhere simultaneously

Nobody is forced to stay married, nobody has to lie and nobody is forced to seek sex outside of marriage

oikopolis · 12/03/2012 19:05

YES! Why should men lose their assets? just support those stupid little children they fathered?

and i mean, you know... the assets belong to the man of the house. the woman's chattel in any case. dividing the marital assets is like giving the house to the cow when she stops making milk and you have to sell her to the knacker's yard!

poor menz.

carmenelectra · 12/03/2012 19:07

He will be able to lie convincingly because he doesn't see what he is doing as being unfaithful.

Its a business transaction. Something he is buying that his wife can't presently provide.

What worries me is that if he can so easily detach himself but they are presumably still young and have an active(aLlbeit vanilla) sex life, what happened when they get to middle age.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 19:16

The marriage sounds like it is not worth even trying to repair.

Both people are in denial but there is only so much they can ignore the cracks.

One person has to seize he initiative and go or else they both spend the next few decades in a lifeless marriage.

carmenelectra · 12/03/2012 19:31

Wow absent father.
Don't think this fella wants to split up. Probably likes his cosy life with wife and kids but wants to shag hookers too.

Now I'm all for getting out if there is no sex and the other party won't discuss. Totally. The Op is still having sex. Just some of the adventurous stuff is on the back burner temporarily. And let's face it, he hasn't given it for long for things to get back on track before seeking an easy option.

I have 3 kids and both myself and dp are sexually adventurous and neither would accept a sexless relationship. This isn't sexless though. And with us we both realise that sometimes sex aint gonna happen.

As for men losing their assets. This is the 21st century you know and women work too and have bloody assets.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 19:40

21st century but this is the UK. Because of your gender you can still be told that you have no legal right to see your children and your ex is free to remove them to where ever they choose.

That is why 70% of divorces are initiated by women and why men stay in bad marriages when they should be getting out sooner.