Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

367 replies

oldaninpurple · 11/03/2012 00:41

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Malificence · 12/03/2012 20:42

Yet another Muppet from the planet of not a bloody clue.

He's using the services of prostitutes because he's not of sound mind , riiight. Hmm

He is paying for sex because he thinks his grubby sexual needs are the most important thing, way above his wife's health, happiness and security, above the needs of his child to have a secure homelife with parents who love and respect each other.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 20:43

From his posts, I also get that AbF is putting 50% of the blame for her husband using prostitutes on the OP, which was very quickly quashed for the bullshit it is, upthread

HandDivedScallopsrgreat · 12/03/2012 20:49

Vicar, I don't think anyone else is saying that the OPs husband is seeing prostitutes because "Women get easily offended". What a crock.

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/03/2012 20:53

hand i didnt read it like that - is that what he meant? is that what you meant AbF?
i agree - most people, most normal people talk about issues that come up within relationships - i agree that simply not talking and taking the option of paying another woman for sex is not bloody normal....there is no excuse in the land that would wash in this case. not a one.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 20:54

Calm down dears

I am putting 100% of the blame on the husband. I am also putting the majority of the emphasis on him as the person who needs to do the right thing and leave and give up whatever to make the OPs life easier.

The OP still thinks it is the time for talking and thus is on here. Sadly it is now way too late for that and the husband is already 2-3 stages ahead of her on the road to divorce.

Sad as it is she needs to catch up quick and start breaking off from him emotionally.

She needs to be the one at the end of this who can move on and start a new life. The husband will be the one with all the guilt and remorse that will plague him for years. The OP will hopefully emerge from this stronger, rather than married to an arse who does not even have the balls to tell her that he should leave.

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 21:00

AbF, you say the man must have been unhappy in his relationship to do this

I disagree, but the more you post (apart from the silly cliches) the more I agree with your assessment of what the outcome of this sorry mess should be

Unfortunately, I am not sure the OP looks at it this way Sad

She is still looking for reasons you see, and you saying he must have been unhappy simply feeds into her self-blame

I think we both agree the best way here is to stop looking for reasons and end the relationship immediately. She won't though Sad and for some people they don't view this behaviour as a dealbreaker (which I find utterly repellent, personally)

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 21:01

oh, and give up the Michael Winner impressions, btw, it makes you sound like a nob

Hattytown · 12/03/2012 21:02

Apart from calling your equals 'dears' I think the mistake you're making AbsF is to assume that this man must be desperately unhappy in his marriage and wanting to leave it. That might have been true for you if you'd decided to pay for sex, but it isn't true for all men.

You're attributing motives to this that might be your own, but like I said that is a minority view amongst men who pay for sex.

I agree that this is 100% the husband's fault and would support the OP in any decision to leave him, but I disagree that this is what he wants, or that his actions are borne out of unhappiness. I think they are borne out of two things only: misogyny and entitlement.

jifnotcif · 12/03/2012 21:06

I still can't believe that any man thinks that paying a total stranger money so that they can pretend to have sex with you is in any way acceptable normal behaviour. Really.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 21:10

I think the guy is unhappy. It has nothing to do with the OP it is purely the guys problem.

Any man with young kids who cannot get enough fulfilment in just being around his kids is missing the whole point of life.

I will give up the Michael Winner impressions gladly.

Will you give up bashing every man who comes on these boards every evening and get over your resentment towards my gender?

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet.

travailtotravel · 12/03/2012 21:16

I am sure someone has already said this but please don't have sex with him again unless he has a full sexual health check. How DARE he put you and his baby at risk.

PooPooInMyToes · 12/03/2012 21:18

I hope the OP doesn't feel that she can't come back to the thread.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 21:20

I would have no respect for any woman who let me back in her bed after I told her that I had slept with a prostitute.....

Same will be true for OPs husband.

TBE · 12/03/2012 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 21:23

OP needs to move on from here and start taking assertive actions in her life.

Too much happening in her life now to waste time here.

PrettyPollytheParrot · 12/03/2012 21:41

I don't think happy men visit prostitutes either AbsF and agree that this spells the end of the relationship, whether now or years down the road.

What OP must not do is blame herself for her husband's unhappiness when it is he who instead of speaking out and trying to reach a solution or leaving the marriage respectfully has now compounded the problem by making them both unhappy.

lurkingaround · 12/03/2012 21:55

So sorry op, this is awful for you. Sad

There are people far wiser than myself giving lots of excellent advice.

But someone said further up the thread that your H is likely sociopathic. I think they might be right, given his detached description of the use of prostitutes. And a number of other traits you have mentioned. In which case you will need to be very clever about gathering financial information etc., should you decide to go this route. Make sure your solicitor is very good.

As a by-the-by, I have also met many sex workers in my job. I have yet to meet one that was proud of their work, or happy in it, or felt it was a worthwhile career, or felt safe at work.

Good luck op.

HedleyLamarr · 12/03/2012 22:20

*AbsentFather Mon 12-Mar-12 19:49:51

If you are seeing prostitutes then you are not happy.*

No. If you are seeing prostitutes you are a cock. You can take that to the bank and cash it in as a bona fide FACT. HTH

AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 22:22

aww, my post where I called AbF a nob has been deleted, what a shame

it was a troofact

AbsentFather · 12/03/2012 22:28

So a disabled guy who sees a prostitute as it is the only sex he can get is a cock for doing so?

Stupid generalisation. There are many reasons for seeing prostitutes but there is no excuse for men in committed relationships.

Anyfucker always follows me around on these forums trying to get my attention by calling me names. Poor thing......

oikopolis · 12/03/2012 22:31
AnyFucker · 12/03/2012 22:33

it's 'cos I fancy you, AbF, I just can't help myself Grin

Original poster
oldaninpurple · 12/03/2012 22:34

Still here :) I wrote a long post earlier but lost it during the bath and bedtime routine and the thread seems to have moved on somewhat and I haven't had time to read all the posts yet so if I don't answer you now I will do.

garlic don't apologise, I'm sorry if I came across wrong.. I don't mind anyone asking anything, my most intimate struggle is here on trial as it were. You have been so supportive. Thanks

Hatty ok.. I think the manipulation is relevant but, part of his 'kink' is being denied, much further than simply teasing. Does he initiate things at inappropriate times? Yes, but he always has, extended foreplay of you will. Separating that from what you describe is difficult but I am aware it has changed somewhat. I know I risk harsh views from some who may not find S\D their cup of tea but I would ask them to please not judge, I found a man who revelled in, and sought the very things that I love to do the most and it worked for us. Maybe my recent reluctance to actually engage, has in reality been feeding his mood to the point he should have explained "purple, we need sometime together" instead he made a particularly poor choice.

To those who say he isn't happy. No he's not, clearly! But I'm not exactly thrilled myself! Maybe I do need to communicate better but he premeditated this 'crime' and sought out the very thing I couldn't give him and then he lied about it.

Please keep talking, all views hugely appreciated - even those I may find hard to hear. I practice domination but also forgiveness, that said, I'm not about to be diminished as a woman by closing my eyes to the reality of his actions. I really need to understand if I can move past this before I reveal I know. I love my children, and my H and our family and yes I'm struggling to equate his actions with the man I know and love.

OP posts:
doctordwt · 12/03/2012 22:38

OP I'm pretty confused by your reasoning upthread.

'Is this about the sex\cheating... In part
Is this about his view of women.. More so.
If he had been an affair would it have been over? Yes without a backward glance.'

  • How do you work all that out? If it's only in part about the sex/cheating and more so about his disgusting view of women - why would you be definitely over if it was an affair - but not for this? Isn't it the other way around?

And - think about this. If you would leave him if he had an affair 'without a backward glance' - then do the same now. Because on that score, what this tells you is that this arrogant scumbag is of the opinion that should he want to satisfy a need of his, any need, then he has the right to do so, and you and your status as his wife, you and your rights, you and the marriage promises he made you, can just go fuck themselves. He has zero respect for you and what you are supposed to represent for him. He has zero respect for family.

If at any point in the future this man took a fancy to another woman, he would have an affair without a second thought. What's there to stop him? Certainly not the idea of fidelity, of love for you or of respect for his marriage and family. Nothing. And as you've seen from his comments, he can convince himself so wonderfully of how and why he should be entitled to fuck around to his heart's content, that feeling guilty won't ever be a problem for him either.

That's before we even get to the fact that any man who buys a prostitute is the lowest scummy scrape of the barrel there ever could be.

Leave him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread