Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

WWID? Divorce him, I could not stay married to a cheating, misogynistic wanker.

I'd email him a link to this

It takes ages to load - sorry

Sorry posted too soon.

Also meant to say I'm sorry You must be in shock right now.

Ask him to move out while you decide what you want to do. Surround yourself with family and friends you can trust. You've done nothing wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of, you'll need their support, both practical and emotional right now.

Thanks both. I can't talk about this in RL, my mum would relish every second of the trauma and my friends think he's amazing, and he is, in every other way :(

I think the only possible crumb of an excuse would be to try to believe that he thought that the 'happy hooker' was a willing participant in satisfying his sexual need without him having an affair or other emotional involvement with a 'real' person. Clearly he is deluded but that's the only way you could begin to forgive him for this.

You must confront him - it'll eat you up otherwise.

I hope you can deal with this. I don't think I could.

So so sorry Purple, this must be horrific for you :(

Does he have previous history? Have you talked about this together - did he tell you or did you stumble across it?

WWID? I'd show him the door. Two young DC's as well...what is he thinking.

I'd divorce him.

Men who pay for sex are misogynist and the lowest of the low. This is much worse than an affair.

Stop taking the blame or believing that you or your sex life have caused this.

You didn't.

It's possible he paid women for sex before you even had a relationship, but never told you.

In the event that this is a totally new habit, I would bet this emanated from porn use. Lots of men start off on free-porn, then move on to paid-porn and interactive sites - and then dating sites or prostitutes.

Quite apart from the sexual and emotional betrayal, what you're facing is also financial betrayal, because this was family money he was pissing up the wall in order to use another human being.

2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Was he living in a vacuum before you started a family? Does he really have no clue that young children mean reduced adult opportunity and energy? More to the point, how come his 'frustration' takes precedence over you, DC, and family life? You care about the kids wandering across the landing; clearly he doesn't?

I hope you can marshal enough good RL friends who will understand; I'm sure you need to talk about it quite a lot (not to him, obv!) Well done for not prozzying yourself up, I understand the knee-jerk reaction but that really would be the wrong way to go. He's putting his dick before consideration for you, before your home life and showing zero general respect for women or for sex in relationships. I'm afraid I wouldn't be astonished if he's habitually used prostitutes but it's up to you how you feel about that.

Yes, send him away for a while. You need some head space. And an STI check. Sorry for your shock & disappointment. Wishing you all the best.

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me, sorry.

Wow this is a tough one.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Stimchecks definitely. Then a think, do you want to save the marraige, if so a weekend away and a chat.

My kids are older and at times i can't relax or perform in case they appear. If DH did this I would be devastated. He wouldn't do it. I can't believe you sound so forgiving.

Are you ok?

I can't think what else to say, really.

Thank you for your comments... I guess I haven't said anything to him yet because I'm afraid I will find out exactly what you are so gently telling me. I'm bloody scared and am on auto pilot, this is the first time I've been able to coherently put my thoughts together.

I re read my OP and realise I sound a bit blaze about it all. I'm so not. What is he doing? Why her? (I have seen the photo and her 'blurb') oh god, this is more than a need for a bit of a dirty woman since our babies were born isn't it?

Are you serious???

If you are sure that he is using prostitutes, dump him!

I really don't understand why these idiots use prostitutes. Why not just have a wank instead? Or are some men above tugging their own todgers?

Deal breaker here too.

I'm very sorry.

How would he feel if he couldn't get it up and you went to a prostitute? Would he forgive you, understand, buy viagra?

What I would do is get some money together, stash it in a secret account if necessary, see a solicitor and yes, go to an STI clinic.

Then confront him and ask him what's in the marriage for you? I couldn't live with someone who used cheated on me with prostitutes. For one thing, I don't think I would believe him if he said he'd stopped.

I think it's about him putting his dick ahead of his family. He wants sex with a prostitute more than he wants to live with his children, more than he loves his wife, more than all anyone normal would hold dear. I wouldn't listen to any guff about sex addiction, it in any way being my fault, or that he'll change. I would take his actions as his way of getting out of the marriage. Then he can see as many prostitutes as he likes.

Oh, and I would also fake an email from her advising him that her latest HIV test came back positive, and as a precaution he should get himself, and all his other sexual partners, checked. He'll shit himself. But then I'm vindictive like that.

Hedley, I'm sure he doesn't just need a wank... We're still having sex (or we were) its just more conservative IYSWIM than it was

I'd say you're shocked, not blase. And there shouldn't be a 'need for a dirty woman'? You deserve and are worth far more than this Purple!

Most likely as a result of having your world turned upside down in discovering the nefarious activities of your 'D'H. It doesn't matter what and who, the fact is he DID, don't allow yourself to become bogged in those smaller issues. Is there anyone in RL you can talk to, anyway that you can get some distance to get your head around this?

Straight away monday get yourself checked out, ask for counselling as well.

Ladynada thank you and.. The email idea made me laugh for the first time this week. Thanks

It's got absolutely nothing to do with you or your family situation. Nothing to do with your sex life either.

It is to do with misogyny and power over women.

By keeping this secret, risking you and any unborn children's health through infection and spending your money on it, he is enacting power over you.

By paying a prostituted woman to perform sex acts that she would never do for free, he is enacting power over her.

If you stay with a man like this and worse still reward him for his behaviour by sexing yourself up, going on a weekend away [shocked] or altering your behaviour, he will just get worse and in any case, this is not about you.

Nothing you did and nothing you can do now will alter his motivations. The only thing you can do is to get you and your children away from him.

How did you find out?

I'm with LadyNada where she said
I think it's about him putting his dick ahead of his family and I wouldn't listen to any guff about sex addiction.

The first is fucking selfish, and the second only exists in the eyes of the deluded.

I don't think Hattytown likes men. Fair enough, but at least declare that.

LeBof I have a copy of the booking email and all her contact details :( I came across it by accident using his email account to send myself something from his computer. I accidentally deleted my draft and it was there in the trash folder

Oh shit. So it's definitely true

Where is he now? Sleeping untroubled?

Correction Hedley.

I like nice kind men - my son, my colleagues, my staff, my friends. I've also been happily married to one for nearly 3 decades.

However I don't like misogynists who use the sex industry to prop up their inadequacies. Does anyone?

You're breastfeeding still? So anything he might've caught through the prostitutes he's been paying for sex could've been passed to you and your DC through you.

That, in itself, would make it unrecoverable for me. He knowingly endangered your DC's health.