Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

i agree with Hatty, and have been thinking about this - i think paying for sex is somehow worse, simply because of the fact that its just a business transaction - he must view it the same as paying for any product/service, and that would not sit well with me, the fact that some are saying it means nothing, for me that doesnt wash - the fact that its viewed as "throwaway" - the ease with which a woman can be bought without a second thought for the pain or hurt it could cause, its just too calculating for me to want to forgive and i couldnt.

i hope you can talk to someone in RL op to get some perspective.

Quite frankly I am not interested in your opinions of my views, and whether you consider them obsolete. I am assuming that when the OP posted she was interested in all opinions not just the usual round of "divorce him" / he does not respect you or your family, which is all some of you know what to say - regardless of the circumstances.

What if she ended up regretting it because, as she says in her OP, he is a very good husband in many other ways? Do you know how many men are unfaithful and manage to get away with it? OP has admitted that there have been problems in their relationship sexually and maybe, just maybe, it might be the time to sort their relationship out.

I'm not getting into the sexual politics of affairs vs prostitutes. The OP has asked for advice on her relationship not a feminist viewpoint of living in a misogynistic society.

I am wondering how the people saying the op

i do not usually advocate the instantaneous leaving of someone for infidelity - but i am merely saying how i would feel. The op asked for opinions and those saying they could not move on from this are just as valid as yours onelittlefish

I am wondering how the people saying the op shouldn't throw away her marriage, he's just a bloke, he has sexual needs etc. would react if the op were the one who, frustrated with how difficult it is to find time for sex when you have children, had sex with someone else. Perhaps paid for it and put her breastfed baby at risk.

I think people would be disgusted with her. The only difference here is that the one paying for sex is a man and after all he is just a man so can't be expected to control himself!

Onelittlefish. Temporary sexual problems in a relationship are no excuse for being unfaithful. The op said they still have sex but just not as loud or adventurous which is perfectly normal for those with a baby. Actually some couples wouldn't be having sex at all. What the op describes isn't sexual problems!

How are you doing op?

onelittlefish oh i agree. he might be a very good husband in other ways!

besides the, you know, paying of a stranger to "service" him to order, because the mother of his children won't do it with the lights on/with him bellowing like a wildebeest throughout...

oh yes. besides that he's probably lovely.

this is not about gender politics unless you prefer to characterize it as such, in order to dismiss it.

it's about a guy who's had sex with a stranger because his wife doesn't do what he wants her to do in the exact way he wants, exactly as often as he wants.

does that not strike you as beyond simple "forgiving"? in order not to be completely objectionable as a human being, this guy will need to change a fundamental part of his personality. it's not actually about the OP "forgiving" him or not.

OP i am so sorry this has happened to you. he's treated you with such disrespect. and to do this with a stranger, to pay money for it... that's just another level of foulness and degradation.

what kind of dickhead is "very noisy" when his dc are just behind the bedroom wall ?

can't he simply Shut.The.Fuck.Up ? That's what grown-ups do

no, he decides he will get his gobshite "needs" met elsewhere

what a juvenile and immature arse, he sounds

how anyone could think him a good long-term prospect is beyond me

there are decent blokes out there, who don't consider their own bellowing orgasm should trump family life

Good husbands who respect their wives and children don't shag prostitutes.
He has singlehandedly destroyed his marriage. There are no excuses and the silly, selfish man should have thought about the family he is breaking up before he embarked on his little adventure. This isn't a "blip" or a "mistake" op, this is a life sentence of misery, regret and distrust if you stay with him and you deserve better.

AF i agree. Its weird that it so important to him to be noisy! Why would he WANT his children to hear!

So sorry op you must be heartbroken

Sadly, in your shoes, this would be the end of the marriage. You deserve more than this.

You have one life don't spend it on this man

"A man who uses prostitutes is just a bad man doing a bad thing, based on his inherent misogyny."

So, in my opinion, is a man who uses OW as a fantasy projection, shown how she gets dumped and discarded as he gets found out. Remember, 97% of affairs fail. This failure is inherent in the bullshit of the betraying person and should come as no surprise... unless you believe that affairs are about love and sex????!!! OWs are OBJECTS. Affairs are all about the ego state of the betrayer (Frank Pittman)

I have along with you a horror of the whole sex trade. Dennis McShane wanted to pass a law in which a man who is caught using a women who is clearly foreign and being coerced, be charged with rape. I absolutely agree with him, although I understand the difficulty of proving in law 'he knew' that woman was a sex slave. But quite frankly I wish that law was passed, and that men caught using prositutes be named and shamed. Apparently the sentence the police hear most, is 'please don't tell my wife'.

The point I was making, is that from the marriage point of view, one is clearly being used as an object in a commercial transaction, 20 mins and then forgotten about; and the other is where emotion and emotional energy (as well a money!) is taken away from the marriage in a treble betrayal. From a marriage healing point of view (not all men are bastards, some do have the capacity to look at themselves and grow up), the prostitute is easier to understand than the betrayal of a relationship. However much that relationship is false and self-serving.

Look. The Mumsnet tendency to 'all men are bastards, leave them' is a bit one-sided. And that is from someone who DOES plan to leave! But some men can grow, can change. Just as some women can grow and decline to waste any more of their lives with immature acting out twunts.

In this area, the selfish narcissism of the capitalist West, is just getting worse and worse. Me, me, me. Fame, money, beauty is what is worshipped. Increasing bureaucracy, centralising state control and taxation. If you read The Decline and Fall of The Roman Empire, the parallels...... [Wobbly shakes head]

This thread has sadly become about gender politics. I don't think that is helpful to the OP. The issue here is infidelity.

All of you who are saying that it is the issue of him paying an "exploited" woman (and none of you know whether his particular pro was exploited) would presumably divorce your husbands if they employed an agency cleaner, who may or may not be paid below the minimum wage? Hmm, thought not.

The OP's husband broke his marriage vows for a few hours of emotionless sex. Is that a deal breaker? That is for the OP to decide. For many it would be, for many not. Personally, I find the one strike and you are out idea very immature for couples with children. I think that, in any marriage, over many years EACH partner (i.e this is not a sexist idea) should have at least one "get out of jail free" card? The idea of perfect behaviour over a whole marriage is very idealistic. Of course there should be deal breakers; violence amongst them. However, for me, infidelity in and of itself, on a one off basis, would not be a deal breaker. After all, if two people basically get on and you can see beyond the infidelity, you can make a happy family unit again. In that sense it is not like cruelty or a failure to be able to get on.

But 'gender politics' are not some bizarre abstract like belieivng in fairies- this goes to the heart of what a man thinks about women. It IS cruelty- cruel to the woman he is supposed to love, and cruel to the woman he uses as a wank sock. It IS violence- because of what he has done to another woman, with the use of his financial power. sleeping with a prostitute IS abusive.

So sorry op. it would be an utter deal breaker for me.

I don't envy your situation at all
Is there no one you can talk to in real life?

I would much rather my partner used a prostitute than had an actual affair with emotions. By about a million times.

Sex is sex. I couldnt give a shiny shit about half the guys i have fucked in my youth, what is the difference?

Im not saying id be ok with using prostitutes, not at all, but its all very easy to pretty much insist she dumps him as he is pretty much the worst kind of arsehole imaginable for not valuing every single stranger out there as a whole person

I think this discussion on whether am affair or a prostitute is worse should stop. Its not really that relevant.

The man had sex with someone else. Either way would have been bad but in its own unique way.

I don't think discussing which is worst is helpful to the op.

"I would much rather my partner used a prostitute than had an actual affair with emotions."

Both/either aould be complete deal-breakers for me.

I think that telling a woman she should leave her husband over this, when shes said its an otherwise really good relationship, is not really on and not helpful either.
Id much rather see consoling, comforting and strength giving in order to help the OP make her own mind up as to what she wants to do.
Relationships can sometimes recover from infidelity. Not everyone would want to even try, but everyones relationship is different and different people value different things. I have friends for whom infidelity is not even a big deal at all. Also friends in completely open relationships. Not everyone is wired the same, and infidelity is a personal, sensitive issue, not a political one

Exactly, Dinah. Could not agree more.

I'm just not willing to advise a woman to spend the rest of her life paying for her husband's (pretty disgusting) mistake. That would only make her miserable. She is a good, respectful partner who deserves to be happy. But she can't be with somebody who doesn't give a toss about her, which her husband has demonstrated he doesn't.

She is not throwing her relationship away, he has. And he should have thought about his children before. This is no reflection at all on the op, just on what a bad example of a man she has married. There is no "good relationship" "otherwise" - it is built on a lie!

OP I wish you all the strength and luck in the world.

How can you conclude that the ops ENTIRE realtionship is built on a lie? Unless you are the op you have no right to state that.
I think that in its self is a pretty nasty thing to say to someone. How is this possibly going to help the op?

No, i couldn't forgive. I'm so sorry.

You need to talk to him ASAP. I could not keep this 'discovery' to myself a moment longer.

Jeez, larry, are you saying that it's fine for her husband to prioritise his orgasm over the health of his wife and child?

As stated upthread, condoms (and I'll bet that a selfish asshat like him would slip the girl a few extra ££ in order to ditch the rubber) condoms will not protect against HPV and Herpes. If the other woman has active chancres then they won't prevent transmission of syphilis either.

And if there's anything involving blood or broken skin (quite likely given the hints OP has dropped)then you can add Hepatitis and HIV into the mix.

Still think it's forgivable?

And why the fuck are you trying to diminish the exploitation of another human being as merely "gender politics"? Do you honestly swallow all of that 'happy hooker' crap?

PrettyPolly,

Good advice should allow the OP to make her own decision. Sure, people can shade it according to their own views (as I have). However, ultimately it should help her to make up her own mind. None of us are inside her head or her husband's.

To be fair, if you marry a "bad example of a man", it cannot but reflect on you, however tangentially. We are all responsible for our life choices.

You cannot judge the quality of their relationship based on one proven example of infidelity. You have no idea whether the OP's husband gives a toss about her or not. There are many men who would lay down their lives for their families but would also think nothing of being stupid enough to visit a prostitute. Are they all bad or do they have a weakness?

Of course, we all want fairytale relationships. the reality is, though, most of us will hit significant roadblocks during maybe 30 or 40 years of marriage. Everyone will have their own bottom lines on where the dealbreakers lie. As Dinah said, this is a personal and sensitive issue, not a political one. It is up to the OP to decide whether he has thrown the relationship away or whether they can still salvage a good relationship out of it.