Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

pposh - can you read? have you read the thread?

OP - I'm so sorry. I really would suspect this is not a new thing for him

Is Poshmummie, the OP 'D' P?, can't think of any other reason to post such unhelpful "advise"

Poshmummie you don't seem to have a very high opinion of men.

OP - you will need to go to the GUM clinic as will your h. It may shock him into releasing what he has done. I'm sorry I think it would be a deal breaker for me as well.

Most blokes in my opinion need some sort of titillation. It is not acceptable, that said if a partner of mine was going to do the dirty deed, I would rather it be with a prostitute than an affair. An affair all of your secrets become exposed and it is much more an act of betrayal. Hookers are just sex.

Get rid of the man, and find someone who is worthy of you.

"Don't let it get to the point where your DH is banging away at a street walker." what an utterly stupid thing to say.

OP, if it were me I would no longer feel able to stay in the marriage.

My husband paying a prostitute for sex would be the very last thing which would get me in the mood for restoring a previously "kinky" sex life. In fact it would make me never want sex of any kind ever again. With him. He's pissed on his chips really, hasn't he!

OP I'm so sorry, he has been a selfish twat and I don't know if you will be able to forgive this without compromising yourself. You have been so dignified and reasonable, much more so than I could be in your position.

Please don't buy into his excuses, whatever they are. He went to a prostitute because he could and wanted to, not because he needed to. What do other married men with small children do? Single men? Single women? There would be a constant queue outside the local brothel...

Just to add, do make sure you do your best to find out all his bank account etc. details. He may hide them later.
Ignore the idiots.

So sorry - you must be in a serious state of shock, having found out that your H is a selfish and entitled cheater who thinks its ok to buy sex from vulnerable women

I agree that its all about him and his issues with women.

You have some time now before you reveal that you know. Get your affairs in order before you confront him. Someone on here will tell you what info you need to gather and about financial stuff. Go to the GUM Clinic ASAP though.

I'm so sorry. Whilst it's easy for an outsider to say - see a solicitor tomorrow, in practice I think om's kind but practical advice is spot on, prioritise your health as the most urgent issue, then decide what to do next.

these prostituted women started off like us, like (collective) our DDs. human beings just like us.

Have you thoght of going to relate counselling on your own first to sound off exactly how you are feeling about all this and where you honestly want to go with it. It is easy to divorce and I personally would never even if I tried hard be able to trust him again but that is my view. It is your relationship. Maybe relate could get him to talk about why he had to use Ps and not be able to talk to you. Believe me I am not on his side. I would also seriously get him to have an aids,hep C and any other STD tests done immediately and for yourself not just for health but to also to make a claer point of the seriousness of his actions.
Believe me, there is nothing wrong with you. Some men can't help themselves but that is no excuse.
Big hug x x

Jesus, the bargains some women must make with themselves just to keep a man.
No woman with even the tiniest amount of self respect would think that her partner paying a prostitute for sex was acceptable. Poshmummie, how do you think that men who work away for months at a time manage? or do you think that they must use prostitutes to satisfy their urges?
Your views would be funny if they weren't so tragic.
Oldinpurple - your husband is a man who thinks that his sexual needs are more important than anything/anyone else in the whole world and he will pay to have those needs met, that's even before you get to his betrayal of you and your children and the risk of him passing on an sti to you. A man who pays for sex doesn't even like women very much, they are just bodies for him to wank into.

Wow. So many responses, thank you to everyone who took the time to reply, whatever your view. This morning I feel icy cold inside and everso slightly sick. I need to keep talking as otherwise I think I would ignore ignore ignore and that's not right is it, for any of us. I will deal with the STI risk in the morning but I am so scared of what else will come out if I open this Pandoras box :(

sorry you are going through this. I echo yourself and everyone else get yourself checked out as soon as you possibly can

Please don't reward this man by booking a weekend away from the children so you can indulge him in swinging sex. If he was feeling like he was missing out he could have talked to you and arranged all of this for the pair of you.

He didn't it was easier for him to book a prostitute, a woman who he knows nothing about, doesn't know if she is forced into it so he may be actually raping her not 'having sex', risk his wife's sexual health when he is still getting sex from her even if it is not swinging from the chandeliers rather than booking a babysitter himself so he can spend time with his wife and probably much cheaper time too. Just so he can get something a little different from vanilla sex while his children are young.

Selfish bastard is the words I am looking for I think.

Plus any man who think a woman is just there for him to pay to use her body how he wants ain't that great and I wouldn't want him as my friend.

Just reading other comments and I agree about collecting as much info now on finances. As he has cheated he will probably do same in disclosing finances. When you collect as much info on all your finances, joint and seperate leave them with a freind. Not in your home. Start calling divorce lawyers and ask if you can have first hr free to explain your story. I would also type it out with photocopies incl of finances. You can ask bank for last 12 month statements, they cost £10 and week to arrive. Again have them delivered at freind's house. Give all this to your chosen lawyer as it gives them a lot to start on and in your favour. Any proof via phone numbers etc are v. important. Courts do not look in favour of cheats and proof is important. You can hire out private investigator for £50 per hour if you google there are many to find and you could negotaiate the price.
Be strong, defend yourself and family. You take control now.

OP, so sorry you are having to go through this. Clearly it's not your fault so please don't think it is.

He should have been the one booking a hotel to regain that sexual magic, if tha was the real issue, not you to compensate for his cheating.

The thing about a man who uses prostituted women is that he always can. A man who has an affair at least has to make an effort to get another woman to join him in his betrayal. On the other hand a man who uses prostituted women is able to find what he wants on tap all the time, he just has to get his wallet out. So any impulse he has can be immediately gratified and he will have more impulses. That's at least one reason why trust can never be rebuilt, because he has crossed that line. There's really no going back from it.

Also has been said Oldan he's put you at risk from a whole lot of diseases, which is just unspeakable behaviour.

My advice would be to tell everybody what he's done. With evidence if needs be, and then get down to the solicitors. You probably will get people tellign you to be understanding or some such twaddle, but that's just a way of finding out who really does support you. Very sorry he's done this to you.

Also if you feel the need to have sex with him to try and reconnect and make that bond please don't. Talk about your feelings here instead.

What was this kinky sex he expected. I guess you can't have been that into it, given that it's not happening now. It's no woman's job to sexually service a man, despite what so many people including the men themselves, tell us.

It is not your fault. You have done what every mother should, put your dc first. I'm not ever in the mood if there is any thought my dc could walk in. Lets face it seeing your parents have sex is not the memory you want your kids to have. I was ill with PND for a long time and couldn't have sex, I am as sure as I can be my dh didn't see anyone else for sex. It is not the normal behaviour of a loving partner. If he has a sex addiction he needs to tackle it on his own, he cannot be in a relationship. Keep doing what you are doing, being a mother to your children. I would agree with the others who have suggested getting the evidence together.

It is the shock making you feel icy cold and sick. If you cannot face the thought of what else you may find out, do you really need to? This one time you know about is surely enough. You deserve a man who understands the responsibilty of having dc. If you have a weekend away, go to a spa with your best friend, do not spend any money on him. He doesn't deserve you. Also if you do decide to have sex with him use a condom, your dc need their mother healthy. A big hug for you.

Condom won't protect from Herpes or the HPV virus.

He's put her and their dcs at a lot of risk.

Christ on a bike. I thought there was no lower being than an abusive man.

There is.

One that would pay for sex.

Oldin, I am so sorry, I think there are some fantastic women on here with some excellent advice and the ability to support you all the way along this journey, whichever path you take. ((((HUGS))))