Advice on DH using prostitutes and sex

[oldaninpurple]

Ok. I'll try to be brief as I could do without being outed in RL. Really great relationship, 2 young DC's. DH has expressed frustration that our sex life is perhaps not as exciting as it used to be.

Our children are potentially likely to come toddling across the landing and I find it hard to relax and get into anything 'indepth' and do get a bit nervous about the noise. DH is very noisy! I'm still doing a night feed with the littlest one but thought we were doing ok intimacy wise but it seems I was wrong :(

I've recently found out DH has been using prostitutes. Definately once in the past month but I reckon it must be more.. What do I do? I haven't said or done anything yet.

I'm a bit in shock, I almost convinced myself to book a hotel and whisk him off to recapture our earlier years but WTF? He's paying another woman to.. Well, just well! Could you\would you forgive? Apart from an obvious STI check :( what would you do?

Thanks.

Am I the only one who's slightly amused to think of poshmummie considering herself to be a liberated "out-there" woman.

purple you have my sympathies.

I have been reading posts on Mumsnet for about four weeks and feel overwhelmed by the love and support that is given to women whose lives are falling apart, by total 'strangers'.

I am in my late fifties and was married for 30 years to a man who paid for sex now and then, but because there was no physical abuse I had no idea that I was in an abusive relationship. I realise now that he was a selfish a* hole and whatever I gave him was never enough.
I didn't leave him for a number of reasons - one of them being that I was ashamed and didn't want to explain all this to family. He left me about eight years ago, which was a massive relief, but why on earth did I spend 30 years with someone so disrespectful?
Purple - you have three choices:
One: Do nothing and hope he doesn't do it again. But he will, however exciting you make sex.
Two: Confront him and he'll say sorry and 'I'll never do it again'. But he will and you will spend all your life wondering where he is and what he's doing.
Three: Tell him it's over.

You have nothing to be ashamed off and maybe your Mum and friends will surprise you with their support.
Good Luck

I didn't think about herpes or hpv. I cannot believe that poshmummie is areal person. I think it is someone trying to be contraversial or get talked about.

Oh op I'm so sorry

What an awful awful shock, it would be a deal breaker for me too I'm afraid

I could understand it if he was frustrated with your sex life, though I'm not saying he had reason to be, but if he was then you could have worked together to find a compromise you were both comfortable with (lock on bedroom door, booked time together etc) But he had no right to do this, please be very clear in your own mind when you talk to him, that no matter what, even if you'd had no sex at all, he had no excuse to do this none at all

Whatever happens now he has brought on, if you decided not to be with him anymore (and no one would blame you) that is his fault. I know sometimes the one who decides to leave is accused of being the one to break up the relationship but that is not true, he has done a terrible thing, now you need to do whatever is best for you

What a nightmare op. Im so sorry you're going through this. I can't believe he did this while you are breastfeeding! The risks . . . !

You are still in shock at your discovery. It is understandable that it will take time to get your head around it all. Accepting that the relationship that you thought you had doesn't exist and was based on a web of dangerous lies will not come quickly or easily. But for the long term benefit of yourself and your DCs that has to be the point you are aiming for.

As for the practicalities, personally I wouldn't divulge your discovery until you have gathered all the paperwork you need and have a concrete escape plan in place. Don't give him the opportunity to apologise because that can only confuse you and detract from the matter at hand.

Good luck.

Err sorry to say but you dont have a great relationship he is a cheat and even worse paying for it. I never say "get shot" as its not that easy however i think you need to face up to what hes actually done here as its appalling

I also want to say how sorry I am that he has put you in this ghastly situation.

However grim it looks now, your life will get better. Ask anyone who has been through similar crap.

But until that time, lots of good advice on here. AND btw it's nothing to do with you - with two little children you are doing a whole lot more in the bedroom than many of us. He's so lucky and he's about to throw it all away.
One has to pity him, really, for the fuck-up (scuse the pun) that his life has become. Not yours though, your life can and will be good. You have done NOTHING wrong - stay strong for your little kids if nothing else.

so sorry he has done this to you :(

I'd be filing for divorce if i were you. make sure you print off that email (have one forwarded to your email adress and change your password just in case) also grab any info on finances and what not.

Self- protection first. Need to be smart and think if he can do this could he get vindictive?

In other words get all the information you can on accounts etc before you have the conversation so he can't cut you off from anything if he decided to turn nasty. Not that he will but you need to be looking out for yourself so whichever way this goes you aren't any more vulnerable than you need to be.

How would he feel if all his friends, family and colleagues found out about it - you should not protect his reputation - he deserves to be known for what he is in the same way as you deserve not to be misjudged for leaving him if you do that.

So sorry to hear you are in this situation. Good luck

Please don't continue to blame yourself for what he has done. A reduced sex life is normal when you have children. He didn't have to chose to do what he did. There are plenty of others things in could have done.
My dh would like more sex at the moment, his solution is masturbating more.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? I know you said that they all think he is great, but you might find that one or two suspected he was up to something.

I would get as much info. data, documents as possible now and take to solicitor. A freind of mine went through this almost exact experience and her lawyers advised her to say nothing to people H knew until full divorce over as it would effect the settlement. After it is all done you are free to tell anyone. I think I would fight to get everything I can to rebuild and have happy future for my children. Talk and tell whatever you want to people around you who care for you and who you trust. Sometimes when these unwanted shocks happen they force us to face where our relationships really are and where we want to be. You will come out stronger for this and you will find much healthier relationships.

Well said in both posts hattytown

Utterly shocking. I would have confronted him the second I found out. To me, this would be the worst kind of betrayal and unforgivable. Worse than affair or one night stand.

The terrible thing in all of this is that they were still having regualr sex. Now to have two young children and fit in sex when you are tired and are at risk of being disturbed etc etc is a feat in itself. Ok so the sex is a bit vanilla but most couples realise that this phase is temporary. At least there is still intimacy. Evenit the slightly boring sex was permanent I would want to know why my dp paid a hooker before discussing with me how unhappy he was.

The fact he paid for sex when the going got tough has now made it very easy for him to keep doing it. I don't think anyeffort from the OP will change that. He buy any type of woman or act easily now.

I still can't belive how cruel this bloke is. And knowing they have 2 little dc's. Gosh any decent bloke would be sympathetic to the situation they are in and how hard babies are. God. I have little ones too and my dp gets as knackered and stressed as I do. We still make a huge effort with sex, but we both realise that sometimes it isn't as often or adventurous as we would like!

Excuse lack of paragraphs shit phone

Hatty:

"This is much worse than an affair".

No, it really, really isn't. Believe me.

OP, the fact that he is visiting a prostitute for his sexual acting out, means there is no emotional involvement.

What is he asking her to do? Suck his cock, or crawl around the floor crowing and pecking up grain whilst having a pheasant feather up her arse (I pinched that from David Niven BTW!)

Find that out, and you will see where to go from there. The fact that he trashed your M vows is hideous, and the fact that he failed to mention his unhappiness is cowardly. But this is salvageable*.

*Did I mention what the price was? Swallowing a lot of shit. And a big boundary should he do it again. Reconciliation is hard hard work.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. For me this would be the end also.

I hope you emailed yourself the evidence? Did a sort and found information about other bookings?

Please ensure you dont have sex with him without condoms, and that you get yourself checked for any STIs.

"OP, the fact that he is visiting a prostitute for his sexual acting out, means there is no emotional involvement."

Which makes it an awful lot worse, in my and lots of other peoples' eyes - if it's simply a bit of meaningless sex, why risk everything for half an hour, not to mention the inexcusable act of paying a woman to use her body as a masturbatory tool.

A man who is capable of doing this will always do this, 75% of men who pay for sex start before the age of 25, he thinks he is entitled to sex by any and all means and that his "needs" supercede that of his wife and family. How can a man like that have any respect for his wife or even himself?

A man who can have sex with no emotional involvement, who has to pay a woman knowing she wouldn't do it unless he offered a lot of money? Is this a man who respects women?

That prostitute is also someone's daughter.

I disagree Abitwobblynow. Paying (probably to the pimp) to use a (possibly trafficked) woman's body as a wanksock shows an incredible lack of empathy. Not only for that woman, but for his wife - there is a risk of stds.

Re: men's "needs" in general
Why is there never any talk about women's needs - like having a faithful husband who do not use prostitutes and who do not put his family at risk?

I am overwhelmed by the messages of support and advice here. Thanks to everyone :)

I have yet to broach this with him, but yes, I have a screen shot of the emails, didn't want to risk forwarding them to myself as he also gets emails to his BB and it may show up somehow.

Financially its difficult, we are totally separate in relation to money but at the moment I am between contracts ( due to maternity and other things) so a SAHM. He pays for everything. His financial advisor (a very close friend of DH) sorted the mortgage, life insurance, pensions and investments etc. Oh god. How stupid am I? He could have thousands stashed away and I wouldn't know. I get CB and a bit of income from an investment.

Vanilla sex? Yep that describes it totally. What would he be asking her to do? Whatever it will be lights on and loud! :( I would guess involving her very long nails, self masturbation and toys but who the fuck knows, I didn't think he would ever visit a Prost, so guess I don't know him that well :(

I need to think this through, so logging off for tonight and going to be with the little ones, I'm exhausted. Thanks again, I'm sure I'll be back with lots of questions once I can bear to face this in RL. He's been very grouchy this afternoon, when he came back, I think he senses I'm troubled by something :(

Wobbly

Yes it really, really is. Believe me.

But how you judge this depends on your politics, your humanity to other women and whether you view the world through a wider lens than your own relationship and personal comfort.

If it's the latter, just about the only thing that is 'better' about your decisions regarding the marriage is that they become easier. There are no dilemmas about a good person doing a bad thing, making what is a very human mistake. A man who uses prostitutes is just a bad man doing a bad thing, based on his inherent misogyny.

This is not to downplay the agony and horror of an affair, but unless there has been coercion and misuse of power involved, people enter into an affair on an equal footing and give of their time and affection freely. Even if it is billed as a no-strings attached affair based on sex, there is mutuality of free choice.

Not so with a transaction in the sex industry. The relationship is based solely on a man's ability to pay a woman and he couldn't care less what's led her to prostitution. For him, nothing is more important than his orgasm. He also puts the women he pays in the 'sex class' and regards them as not quite human. This way of thinking allows him to lead a double life and affect the demeanour in his 'other life' of respecting and liking women. It allows him to hide the fact that he despises them and wants to control and punish them, usually for his own inadequacies.

He thinks it's okay as long as he can delude himself that prostitutes are not like his wife, mother, sister, colleague and friend and as long as he never makes the link between what he is doing and its impact on all the women he claims to respect. Though quite how anyone can pretend that having sex with a prostituted woman, using the family budget to pay for it and exposing one's partner and child to disease is a discrete activity than can be compartmentalised, requires a chilling ability to compartmentalise and self-deceive.

Then again, I think it needs a peculiar set of 'marital bargains' to be made to convince yourself that it's better that a man has no feelings of respect or kindness for the woman he's sleeping with and treats her like a hole to spunk into. I don't know how anyone can convince themselves that a man who does that is a better human being than one who has has an ill-judged affair but it's not an emotionally healthy response and suggests that the relationship and the man have assumed more importance than one's personal integrity and humanity.

Cross-posted with your update OP.

I think keeping the finances close to his chest is all part of the same thing. It serves to control you.

You will need to find this out. As you are married though, you are both entitled to a proportion if not half of the marital assets and it will also depend on who will be the main child carer on separation. A chat with a solicitor will open your eyes and clear some of the legal fog. This can have the effect of clarity with the emotional stuff.

Thinking of you .

print off the evidence and leave them in safe places. a laptop can be easily broken or smashed.

If it helps, create a new email account (there is no way he can be alerted to this) and copy and paste the email into that account and save it as a draft.

make an appointment at the doctors for an sti check and also talk to someone about this in RL. there is no reason for you to go through this alone.

hatty I don't feel controlled, really I don't. Those who know me in real life would say I was a calm confident capable individual. The man I know him to be on the otherhand can't put oil in the car or remember his own email account password and always asks me! He has a brilliant mind (clever and then some), but is not organised or 'together' For him to be controlling this must be an illusion wouldn't it, a carefully crafted facade?