I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

You sound like you are having an incredibly hard time and an awful lot on your plate. I don't have any advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered and am hoping that someone will be here soon that can give you pointers on where to turn for help and the support that you desperately need.

Go see your GP and get yourself signed off.

There is only so much you can cope with, and you sound at breaking point.

It's OK to take a break and ask for help. Your work will just have to deal with it if you have a GP's note. And look at it this way: you will be better able to improve your performance for them if you have had a breather; time to regroup and recharge your batteries a bit.

As for your DH lashing out at you in anger: that shit stops now. It is utterly unacceptable, in any circumstance.

xxx

bump

Thanks for your responses. HotDamn: yes I feel I just need to have some time, peace and space to come to terms with everything that has happened to me. I am conscious of the fact though that this is a relatively new job and I do value and want to make a success of it. I actually already took some time off last week....I am scared of taking too much.

I actually have a doctor's appointment this evening though about something different...I have a throat infection and chronic cough that won't shift. I think though that if I were not so run down I would have shrugged this off by now....really just want to be left alone to curl up in bed and rest.

BTW the DH 'lashing out' is purely verbal, nothing more serious. He is just stressed out of his mind, there is nobody but me to take it out on. Not trying to excuse it but he like I has a breaking point, neither of us are saints.

So glad to hear you have a GP appointment tonight. Tell him/her everything you've told us. You really are entitled to time off when you need it, as you seriously do right now.

As for your DH, he deals with his stress like a grown-up. "There is nobody but me to take it out on" is terrible, awful reasoning. You are not a verbal punchbag. You are a human being, with feelings.

Hi! LH11 - so sorry that things are still not working out for you.

Have no advice; think of you often! So pleased that you have posted!

With very best wishes, especially for your son! x

Hello, glad to hear from you again, though of course dreadfully sorry to hear your news.

It is a cruel irony that if DS were not there things would be better - which, I venture, is the terrible unspoken thought behind you saying 'If it weren't for DS I would be better off dead.' I hope this is not speaking out of turn. I seem to have a happy picture in my head of DS being cute at a pub or somewhere, while you were out for a meal, which I got from your previous thread? Your love shines out, I wish I could take some of your anguish away from you

Adding my best wishes too.

Life feels tough right now, but you know something, you can cope and you are doing. Don't give yourself such a hard time, be kind to yourself.
Your doing a amazing job. I just hope somehow you find some time to have a sleep and a bit of rest. Could your husband give you a rest for a few hours then you do the same for him. It sounds like you both need some rest and sleep.

Dear LifeHope11, I am so sorry to hear about your situation and how desperate you are feeling. I hope you felt able to speak to the GP last night and you've got some help that way.

Two things that may help.

First, your local authority children's services dept should have a children with disabilities team and they should have 'short breaks' arrangements (respite care) for parents like you, where they look after your DS for a few hours or overnight to give you a much-needed break. You are entitled to this from the sounds of things and it could really help. Also your child is entitled to get services to meet his needs generally which msy involve temporary support fir your family as he is recovering from his op. You could contact them yourself or if you don't feel up to that you could get some help from a charity (not sure what types of disabilities your DS has but there are specialist charities and some general children's charities) or a community care lawyer (not sure where you live but there are plenty of solicitors who specialise in helping parents of disabled children who can help). If you feel able to give more information I can give you some recommendations.

Second, given how low you are feeling you need to talk to someone. I know telling someone in real life or even on the phone can be hard but if you find it easier to write down the Samaritans have an email address - I will get it and post it in a minute for you.

You don't have to keep putting up with this level of stress. There is help out there but I know accessing it must seem very daunting at the moment.

Good luck and keep posting if that's helpful for you. Hope you are ok.

A
Xxx

It's [email protected]

X

Im sorry you have such a lot to go through.Could a local church help?
Even if you or your Dh are not religious, there should be several people there who could help you all in a practical , day to day way.And they should be pleased to be asked.

Thanks for all your suggestions for support. I will follow up on these....it does seem truly daunting though locating the help I need.

I saw the GP & asked about time off but he just said 'you can sign yourself for 5 days, come back to us if you need more'. Usual shite......I just don't have the fight left in me to push for a sick note.

I woke up, got up then got back into bed because I felt so awful....I think I will have to go into work soon albeit late.

I would never want to be without DS, he is the one consistently wonderful thing in all this. After all he has been through and is going through, I can honestly say he is the happiest person I know. I find that amazing and awe-inspiring....the boy is my pride. I just want to be a good enough DM for him.

Of course you would never want to be without DS.

So do as the GP suggests - sign yourself for 5 days and then go back to him if you need more. I know it's frustrating - but he probably didn't know what to do as you are ambivalent about taking the time off. If you think you need a proper sick note (or fit-note, as they are laughably called these days) then go back and ask him straight out for one.

Have you ever tried contactafamily who put you in touch with other families going through similar situations so you can at least talk to someone who is in the same boat.
Also how about homestart who can perhaps get you some respite care? Do you have any money to throw at the stuff that needs to be done around the house?
Can your DH's family back off from whatever their pressures are, are there any other family members who can either carry the weight for him for a bit or family who can help you at the moment.
Probationary period at work is stressful - you know you can do the job if you could devote more resources to it - but job doesn't want to know about what is going on at home and doesn't know what you will bring to the role.
But definitely see if you can pull some favours and ask for help elsewhere.

Hi again. PinkPussycat - OK I will get myself some time off. I feel in a compromised position though. DH is having to look after his DM who to cut a long story short is in a vulnerable position and leans on DH a lot to sort things out for her. I am trying not to resent her for it, it is unfair as I know it is not her fault really. But it is very hard when we are trying to hold down demanding FT jobs, care for DS and then I see DH have to go off & sort out various problems for MIL at the end of the day.

struwelpeter - unfortunately there are no family members at hand, they all live abroad. Many do what they can (in providing DH with emotional support if nothing else), but one or two are more of a hindrance than a help. Because of course, as they are not the ones having to cope with all the problems, preferring to leave that to us - they get to have the luxury of critiqueing our efforts and telling us what we should have done & what they would have done better (again this is all cutting a long story short obviously).

I do feel at the moment as if the whole world is against us (just my perception I know but it is really, vividly, how I feel). I get a lot of emotional support from family etc but those who love me are not really in a postion to ease the burdens. I asked DH this morning how he was & he said he wished he could get a one way flight to the Moon and not come back, he was spaced out by stress. All the time spent out of work in caring for DS and MIL has to be worked back so he has been having to work weekends to make up the time. So I am not going to cast DH as the problem here when overwhelmingly he is part of the solution. At the moment we are both collectively 'the Solution' - I just hope we don't buckle under the strain.

I should say that given what DH has on his plate, it is hard for me to justify taking time out to relax & recuperate. DH just does not have that option at all.....whenever he tries the phone will be ringing & there will be more problems to sort out. I then get angry, which he interprets as being angry at him...reacts badly at what he perceives as yet more demands on him from me. Never-ending rows have been provoked this way.

I remember your situation very clearly, Lifehope. There is too much going on in your life for anyone to fit into 168 hours a week - unless perhaps they can mange with no sleep at all.

I remember your situation too, and I am sorry to hear things are still bad.

Have a HUG

Hallo springyd and thanks so much for your post. It is great to 'hear' from you again.

I have been on the ADs for about a month and so maybe I should give them a little more time to kick in. Re counselling: yes I am sure if I could find a counsellor who was knowledgeable enough to offer genuine help and guidance in 'unravelling' the situation it would be a godsend. The prospect of locating such a person however is truly daunting; I am apprehensive of wasting resources (these consist of time more than money) on someone who offers no good or even real harm. Everything I do these days has to pretty well guarantee a positive impact.

Yes I do think that it should be MIL situation which is the one to 'give' - it may seem callous but I feel that the responsibility should be shared...between other family members and Social Services. Eg DH went round to her flat & said it was filthy as she wasn't cleaning it, said he 'spent hours' cleaning it up. I asked why he wasn't following up with SSvcs to maybe get someone in to clean every few weeks? She hasn't even got a SW assigned to her....I am afraid (& I have said so) that if this carries on it will be assumed that DH can handle it and then he will just be left to get on with it.

So yes I think that her care should be (at least partly) removed from our shoulders and onto someone else's. DH will not be able to handle it but he will go mad trying. Everything else I assume responsibility for....especially DS. To be honest we do get a fair bit of respite care for him, some provided and some that we pay for...I am sure there is far more available for MIL but it has to be pursued, I hope DH does so before he reaches breaking point.

Everything I do these days has to pretty well guarantee a positive impact

Not too much pressure then!

Life isn't like that though is it? You put in your best and you simply can't guarantee a good outcome. You just keep planting and hope most some of them come up. You can't be expecting a royal crop each time.

re counselling: dip your toe in with CBT. It is a contained therapy, in that there isn't much to it (in a way): it is proven techniques that don't take that much skill to put across - a ham-fisted therapist could be quite limited in how much (potential) damage they could do. It's a programme, a workshop (you could even do it in a group - yum, yum say NHS, that's cheaper and also beneficial for the service user: win/win). it's also an excellent starter-pack, if you like; opening up the whole area of looking at the deep and meaningfuls.

re therapists: when you research them you look at their qualifications. When you interview them (you are, after all, entrusting your deepest to them to a significant degree - controlled by you, admittedly) you ask how long they have been practising and what their experience is. This is after you have checked out their qualifications. You're the boss, see? Not them. If you don't like the sound of them, move on to the next one.

Hallo there. Yes I will investigate counselling & follow your advice to find someone best placed to really be in a position to support me. I have met a few counsellors whom I have been put off by....maybe I have stuck too long with the wrong ones (wrong for me I mean not intrinsically 'wrong').

At the moment though it all seems like a luxury this investment in me. I am working full time for a company which is very entrepreneurial, tries to pick the best people & demands a lot of them - so although everyone is very nice it is not a 'laid-back' sort of place. At the moment I feel like a fraud because my priorities are elsewhere....I have just been told my DS is at risk of septicaemia & will probably need yet more invasive treatment. Yet here I am, back at work, wanting yet failing to be focused on what I need to do here. I have a lot to offer this company....but just not right now. But this is a new job, where I have to prove myself quickly, in an economy where (as we all know) jobs are scarce. What to do eh?

It all seems surreal....I just can't believe that my DS is having to go through this all over again. Everything else (even my own distress) seems proportionally less important.

s was said you need repsite help from children's services dept should have a children with disabilities team .

surely they been involved already?
it is remiss of yur GP not to ask you what practical help you getting. or to offer to speak to SS disabled childrens team for you!

ask GP to speak directly to your social worker.
if you dont have one call or ask GP to call thm and ask for urgent carers asssessment.
i ahve no family help with my disabled son but have direct payments fo some hours per week to employ someone ni the home and also he goes to repsite residential two nights a month. (has been going overnight since he was 10)

it makes a huge difference and he enjoys it.

you need practical help - SS are the ones to provide it and to help you look for the right services - cross roads carers could some and help in home while you invetigate other long term options and set up direct paymens/ otehr repsite care .

if you literally cannnot cope then SS can find emergency tempoary foster care. (tho where is h in all his is he doing teh caring too? )

if you dont ahv enumber already jsut look up your council and look for chilren with disabilities social services -call the duty manager and say you need urgent carers assessment for some pracical help; explain what you would like eg how many hours per day.
bu would be good if your gp backed you up here as well go abck to gp and ask them to refer you too.

also call your local cross roads or local carers org

so dh is looking after MIL and you looking after DS?
both of you ned to prsent united front to SS and ASK for rspite care - whethr you want someone in th home to help or you want DS to be taken care of outside the home. if his health is fragile speak to local hospices who ahve nurses on board. soemtimes you can self refer to a hospice (dont need to be terminal just "life threatening" or "life limiting" disabilities and also if you at breaking point your GP can push a referal thru as well.

look up childrens hospices local to you and speak to them about how to access -they can also provide specialsit counsellinfg and support too - they can usually accomodate the whole family if you dont feel ready to leave ds in their care

cestlavie her h is caring for his DM who is far from well and taking up what time and energy he has available