I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

to stop feeling inferior to everyone else, awkward & as if I have to be apologising for myself all the time (this feeling is historical and deep rooted)

You are right, sweetheart, it is the thing that will make everything else seem so much less daunting! It's not very easy to re-programme a lifetime's worth of thoughts and fears. But it is do-able. Given the amount of stuff on your plate at the moment, you might not be in the best position to start an in-depth course of psychotherapy. But there are several effective 'surface' actions you can take, which honestly do make a difference.

The first - and most thoroughly proven - is affirmations. You say them to yourself in the mirror, at other spare moments, and you write them down. I'll come back to them :)

The second, which is also easy, is meditation. Deliberate daydreaming, and/or clearing your mind to focus on something pleasing (like a flower, for example, or a scented candle) is good enough. It's just a way to give your mind a rest. I used to use my morning Tube journey to imagine myself back on a particularly peaceful boat journey from my past - it certainly improved my frame of mind!

Hypnotherapy is a good 'sticking plaster' remedy. Hypnotherapists can teach you 'tools' to make your meditation/daydreaming easier and more relaxing. The very best thing about hypnotherapy, imo, is the way it makes you feel afterwards! You can ask them to make sure they send you away feeling calm, alert, confident and rested. It beats a spa treatment for that!

You can also try home hypnotherapy using books and CDs. One of my favourites is Marisa Peer's Ultimate Confidence. I've heard good things about Paul McKenna's Control Stress, too. With these books, you have to follow the course as laid out by the author - usually every day for a month, then play the CD as you go to sleep.

There are book/CD combos for mindfulness meditation, too. See if any of these appeal to you.

... next up: affirmations!
I do hope you're enjoying this amazing March Sunday, and your mother's helping you to feel grounded :)

There's a small notice on my bathroom mirror. It says "You look nice."

If your background includes repeated messages that you're inadequate somehow - stupid, ugly, fat, nasty, lazy, unpopular, etc, etc, etc - it sank in and you came to believe it. This is because our minds, wonderfully adaptable things that they are, change shape to accommodate whatever we learn.

With enough repetition, our brains form synapses so deep that they are visible as grooves and wrinkles. Deeply-etched synapses exist for the useful purpose of saving time: they're shortcuts. They're the reason you don't need to work out the way to your local shop each time you go there! But, when we've learnt unhelpful things about ourselves, those incorrect lessons also form grooves and give us misinformation without conscious effort.

Luckily, we can overwrite them with more accurate and helpful lessons, and it's not that difficult.

With affirmations, your conscious effort goes into identifying the unhelpful beliefs. It's surprising how many there can be. Don't try to tackle them all at once, just pick out a few that strike you as damaging. Sometimes we need to recall who taught us some incorrect thing about ourselves - by way of example, my ex told me I was "too sensitive"; I hadn't realised I'd internalised that until I thought about it properly. Others strike us as wrong, without needing further investigation - one of mine was "ugly", which I am not.

Having picked your incorrect statements, counter them. My answer to "I am ugly" was "I'm nice-looking" (not "I am beautiful", though that may be true for others.) I needed to present evidence to myself, so I made a short list of people who told me I'm pretty, with no obvious agenda. Then I put my notice on the mirror, told my reflection I look nice several times a day, and remembered to think "No, I'm not ugly; I'm nice-looking" whenever the old thought popped up.

I decided that "Too sensitive" is not an insult. So I printed that out! XH was wrong. I framed "Too sensitive is not an insult" and "There's nothing wrong with being sensitive", hung them on the stairs wall and read them every time I passed. Worked :)

This can sound a bit daft if you've never done it before. Everybody loves affirmations, though! My visitors really like the mirror telling them they look nice, and the 'sensitive' posters also prompted positive comments.

End of essay - finally!
You can do this and make things okay. It's largely a question of dumping old ideas, which are not useful to you at present, and replacing them with more helpful ones.

REMEMBER TO EAT AND REST! :)

Hallo,

Thanks for the helpful suggestions garlicbutter, you are right that I need something simple and practical, that works in my complicated and demanding life. I don't have the resources for psychoanalysis, other therapies or introspection. If I find an affirmation for me I guess it should be something that inspires me and attacks the fear head on.

I feel cross with myself because I can't just shake this, it is not rational at all, it is as if I am hard wired to feel inferior. I think at the very bottom is the fear that it is all true, that 'I don't have an inferiority complex - I really AM inferior'. But even if it is true that I am inferior, it would be helpful to be in ignorance of that fact, as anything which makes life easier to bear is good.

I saw my DM & she was very understanding. She was quite shocked that we are more stressed out right now by mil than DS situation. She was of the view that the immediate 'nuclear' family (husband/wife or DPs, and DS) should take priority over the 'older generation-which is quite something as she is a member of that generation - and that interests of spouse & DS come first. Other families though are not of that view.

I know though that things MUST CHANGE or I am heading for that breakdown (if DH doesn't have one first) so we must find ways to make them change.

That's a positive reply, LifeHope, thank you. It's good to hear your mother listened to you and was supportive - that counts for a lot when we feel lost.

It is difficult impossible to please all the people all the time! It would be understandable that DH's relatives see his mother as your main priority, meanwhile you & he have a sick child to take care of and your own welfare to consider. Some firm boundaries will need to be drawn, perhaps.

It's such a pity you feel 'inferior' although it's sadly normal. How about challenging this belief - to whom are you inferior?
Anyone in particular?
In what ways are you less-than these others?
Are you really?
And are you less-than, or more like better-than in different ways, which might equal out to 'as good as'?

If you're a perfectionist, have you labelled yourself 'inferior' to some unattainable ideal of yourself? One of the most valuable things I learned in therapy is that Good enough is good enough! It is, you know That's why it's called good enough, for heaven's sake.

Here are some bits, which may or may not prompt you towards your own constructive thoughts.

By Marianne Williamson; quoted by Martin Luther King and others:-

"Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

Statements that have appeared on my wall:-

I am competent.
I am capable.
I am worthwhile.
I am good enough.
I matter.

I deserve care.
I deserve concern.
I deserve compassion.
I deserve respect.

I am doing OK, thank you!
I can't do everything, and that's all right.
I'm as well as can be expected.

The Bill Of Assertive Rights, by Manuel J Smith:-

1. You have the right to judge your own behaviour, thoughts, and emotions, and to take the responsibility for their initiation and consequences upon yourself.

1. You have the right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behaviour.

1. You have the right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems.

1. You have the right to change your mind.

1. You have the right to make mistakes - and be responsible for them.

1. You have the right to say, 'I don't know'.

1. You have the right to be independent of the goodwill of others before coping with them.

1. You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.

1. You have the right to say, 'I don't understand'.

10. You have the right to say, 'I don't care'.

Have a look here: h2g2.com/dna/h2g2/A2998551

Lifehope - gosh, i don't know what to say, i think i would crumble under the pressure you are under. I admire you so much (please dont be patronised by that, because its the simple truth).

I don't really have any suggestions for you, i was just wondering if you might talk to your doctor about trying another type of AD if you feel the ones you are taking have lost their effect. Saying that, it is your circumstance that is giving you all of the stress rather than your mental health from the inside if that makes any sense, but it may well be worth talking to your GP. Even if it only makes a slight difference.

Those are some very good posts from garlicbutter. Part of it is to keep on doing it (affirmations or whatever you have decided to try), not inspecting yourself all the time to see how your inferiority complex is faring, which is a bit like digging up the seed to see if it's growing yet! Flylady says for most people it takes 21 days to form one of her habits, but for the people like me who she is most aiming her work at she recommends 28 days.

I feel a bit sorry for your inferiority complex, tbh. I had one of those, it was only trying to help by avoiding the pain of disappointment. It's probably weary of saying sorry all the time, and then apologising for saying sorry. If you can let it have a rest in some small way, instead of saying it has to die, then maybe it won't turn out to be an inferiority complex after all...

Oh, very good point TPP! Yes, my inner critic mellowed out a lot after I realised it's only trying to help ... not in the most helpful way, true. But it's apologised enough for that now

Hey girl! Thinking of you! Best wishes! x

OK I'm afraid I need more handholding now: re work I have been told that my job performance has to improve in order to meet expectations. Some of you suggested that I should just get the GP to sign me off sick for a few weeks, I resisted doing that because I wanted to continue to do what I could. But if I had done so I would have been out of sight/mind rather than being at work doing my job as well as I could manage, ie poorly. Or not well enough anyway.

I feel that everything I do just falls short. How do I keep going, keep thinking positively about myself, avoid feeling inadequate/inferior, when nothing I do is good enough? I am spreading myself too thinly and letting everyone down.

Oh dear. Have you been told in what specific areas you are failing to meet expectations and given constructive advice as to how you can improve your performance?

do they have occupational health at work to talk to?
you need to speak with someone in HR about the pressures at home and that they wil improve over time etc

do they offer eg free phone counselling srvice or other support

Just putting this thread back on my active list.

I agree, LifeHope, occupational health & GP are your ports of call - or, if no company doctor, your GP & HR.

Well done for realising the problem is not of your making.

Hi there....yes, I have been given some guidance as to what is expected. The problem is that there are not enough hours in the day (or so it seems) to do everything that is expected.

Have talked to HR already....they are aware of my issues & say these have been 'taken into consideration' but it is not really going to change anything. I can have counselling etc but it is really by the way.

Really I don't think the job is suitable for me & if the job market were not so tough it might be a blessing in disguise. I know what I want to do in my working life & this isn't it. Nothing wrong with the job or company but I know where I want to go work wise. But it is all happening at once....I feel as if I am fire fighting & have an avelanche of things to deal with. I think the attitude at work is, yes they are very sorry about what I have to deal with but ultimately the job is what it is & I can either deal with it or I can't.

I feel that I have so much on my plate that my brain is going numb so yes, it does affect my performance in other areas. To be honest I have downplayed how ill DS has been in the past weeks....at one time we thought he would not pull through. I don't really believe all this is happening?

I am not sure whether this thread belongs on 'Relationships' or somewhere else....and if so, where? I am not sure where I or my situation belong really.

Relationships is good :) You could also try Legal or Employment for specific issues about work, and Special Needs for your son. (Not sure how you get onto the SN board?)

I can place specific threads on specific topics. Has anyone dealt with multiple problems like this and come through to a better life? How did you come through? How did you leave despair far behind and understand how strong you are? Don't give up on me please....tell me how I can come through all this. I want to stay positive and don't want to lose heart.

The trouble is this is constant and unremitting. A couple of decades ago, when a single wage was sufficient for a family to live on, and when SAHP were eligible for Home Responsibility Protection, I think there is little doubt that a family in your situation would opt, if they could, for only one parent to work. Do you get HRP or whatever it's called as DS has SN (I assume he gets DLA?), could you stop work and claim carer's allowance, think it has to be middle or higher rate DLA for CA to be payable? The trouble is that the benefits system is changing for the worse, as the frothers thread often highlights. Huntycat is in a similar but different boat to you, if you remember her? CAB could advise on possible money available in various scenarios.

Could MIL contribute financially, say by paying you for laundry services or something?

LifeHope, I can't say you would consider my life 'better' than the one I had before ... it isn't, by any but the most zen-like criteria! But what I've been trying to say to you, as have others, is that I should have admitted defeat (in the old game) and re-prioritised for the new game. Had I realised that I'd run out of certain resources, and admitted the odds were stacked against me according to the value set I had at the time, I could have rewritten my expectations - and escaped with more dignity, health and material stability than I have now.

Which is a roundabout way of saying: do what it takes to get distance on your predicament; jettison everything that doesn't serve your real needs; act calmly and deliberately in order to maximise your stability according to your real needs.

I've a feeling that was garbled! I really hope you see what I'm saying, and/or somebody else will put it more clearly.

Hi LH11 - I was never in your dire situation but things were pretty hopeless a few years ago!

You have a medical condition too, don't you? It's terribly sad that you are shouldering so much but the most important person, of course, is your son.

I ended up in a psychiatric ward for 6 weeks and didn't have a fraction of your problems.

Best wishes!

I am despairing because I just don't know what I can do to turn everything round. Yes i suffer from epilepsy and it is aggravated by stress. I don't know where to start to improve things.

I am not the superstitious kind but I am starting to fear that there is a demon up there who hates me and has decided to single me out for punishment whenever he is at a loose end. I can just see him up there, smirking at my distress and poking at me with his pitchfork just because he has nothing better to do.

How to come back from this despair and misery and have a good and happy life? Do you feel the fates are punishing me because they know they can? Do you think they looked at me, smirked at each other and said 'Aaah yes of course, we'll punish her'? I want to know how to go on living and if it is normal for life to be so devoid of joy.

What does DH say? Is he in a similar state? All your posts seem to suggest that you are carrying this on your own, and that only you can do something to improve things. Was DM any help when you confided in her?

Hallo PinkPussycat

DH is similarly stressed out, I can't explain all the pressures I am under or he would freak. I have to deal with these pressures on my own. DM is sympathetic but she is elderly, so I gave her the sanitised version of my troubles. Eg she certainly doesn't know that DS nearly died this week.

LH11 You are always in my thoughts. So very, very sorry that your DS has been so extremely ill; must be absolutely devastating for you and DH and hope that your son has recovered from this latest onslaught on his health.

It sounds as if you have insurmountable problems! Perhaps it would be easier for you to stop working; surely SS will help you now? MIL obviously needs help herself, poor thing! There really must be a way to go forward without you beating yourself up and thinking that it's all your fault! The fates are not punishing you at all; they don't exist! You are simply exhausted and absolutely worn out from all the pressures upon you. Wish that I could help more but, hopefully, others will be able to offer much more useful and practical information on here!

With sincere best wishes

Apart from your problems at work, what pressures are you under that do not also beset your dh?

Why would your dh 'freak' if you explained to him all of the pressures you are under?

If you are referring to the pressures brought about by your inner thoughts, has it occurred to you that your dh may be feeling much the same as yourself? Or do you believe that he has a more efficient coping mechanism and/or is more equipped to soldier on through times of great stress without internalising his thoughts or allowing them to unduly impede his performance?

Has your ds been discharged from hospital and, if so, is he back at school? If not, how will you care for him if you and your dh are working full-time and is unable to return to school immediately?

How do you manage ds's care during school holidays and does he still spend one night a week at his school during holiday periods?

Can you not use this one night a week's respite to catch up with your dh - perhaps make this time sacrosanct so that you both have opportunity to reconnect with each other, recharge your batteries, and make plans for the forthcoming week and longer term where necessary?

It seems to me that, unless you are able to raise your game, it could be that you may not have the option of continuing to work for your present employers much longer.

Looking at the household budget, given the benefits you should be receiving on account of ds's disabilities, is your wage absolutely necessary?

Would it make more sense taxwise and otherwise for you to consider looking for part-time employment or, indeed, giving up work to continue your studies and be on hand for dmil thus relieving your dh of some of the burden he shoulders in regard to her welfare?

Or would it be financially viable for your dh to go part-time or give up work so that you can concentrate on your career and further your studies?

You've mentioned that your dh's siblings have expressed themselves as being willing to do their bit. As they are not located close enough to be hands on, it would seem that any contribution they make to their dm's welfare should be monetary which will enable any services needed to maintain her in her own home to be bought in. In addition, your dm may be entitled to attendance and carer's allowances which may also help to relieve any financial strain caused by meeting her needs.

Resolving the practical issues that are keeping you in a perpetual state of Groundhog Day may be the first step to you regaining some sense of positivity about the future, but if you decide that you should give up working full-time you're best advised to do so in a spirit of affirmation that this is in your best interests and that closing that particular door will lead to new doors opening for you, rather than seeing it as yet another sacrifice in a long line of many that you have been required to make over the past 10 or 11 years.

FWIW we all have our own personal gods and devils, but the Imps of Shit are common to all of us and they rarely miss an opportunity to chuck another bucketful down whenever they notice a head surfacing above the manure.

The only way we can dodge the onslaught is to shelter beneath an umbrella of certainty that we possess the shovels that will dig us out of the piles of crap that rain down on us.

But you know something, honey? It is possible to be at peace with oneself in the face of adversity and it doesn't have to be a struggle unless we choose to make it so.

Thank you thank you SO much for your replies. I can't say how much these are appreciated. I can assure you (even if I don't refer to a specific post) that your responses are all being read carefully &considered, and I am modifying my approach & handling many things differently as a result of them.

I have thought hard about the job situation....I think it is a wake up call to me that the job is not what I want to be doing, that my heart isn't in it. I achieved a senior level qualification recently....the role I had is within the department corresponding to my profession but the job itself is really more of a PA to the senior personnel within that dept. nothing wrong with that of course but for someone who really wants to do it.

So the answer is: look for another job. I have put off making a decision on this because of DS situation but it seems my hand is being forced. I could probably find a way to give up work izzyizin, but fear that it may be much harder to get back into it in the future should I wish to. I have invested a lot in my career (hours of study time, my own money etc) so now I think I deserve to find a job that is right for me & is rewarding. I need to spend my days doing something I love. This is a wake up call for me; I was looking at jobs last night, was reading job desks & thinking 'Of course! THIs is what I want to be doing with my working life'.

So it could work out for the best but only if I find that job in the current. Please keep your collective fingers crossed and if you are the praying kind (don't care what faith you are) please please pray that things get easier for me & my little family but especially for my dear darling son.

Should read 'only if I find that job in the current economic climate'. That is the tantalising thing of course; the current climate makes the best laid career plans much more difficult.