I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

DH is very much of the school of 'soldiering on' through troubles but I know that inwardly he is suffering and not burdening me or anyone. We had a chat last night & he confessed that the stress was coming out of him now & making him physically ill.

Shameless desperate bump; please don't abandon me. We're it not for DS I would be dead, as I am near suicidal.

MN's would never DREAM of abandoning you! I think about you a lot; you have so much on your plate! I do seriously think that you are on the way to a complete breakdown and this is now the time that you must involve GP and SS.
You need a rest from all of your responsibilities. I am not medically qualified but have had two spells in psychiatric units and was saved from my emotional fragility. Wanted to top myself but so pleased that I didn't!

There will be people coming along on this thread soon who will be able to give such excellent practical advice and emotional support to you which, I hope, will help you through these very dark days.

With very best wishes to you and your family. x

Here I am again for the thousand millionth time, clinging to Saturday evening and not wanting it to end, because while it stays Saturday evening it can'tbe Monday morning. But Monday has to come eventually, I have to leave with the dread.

I can't live like this any more. I have to believe that I deserve better.

You sounded more positive in the posts you wrote this morning. What's happened in the interim to bring you down again?

Lifehope11 I really feel for you, I am working in a stressful environment and that on its own is hard to cope with I can't imagine throwing in an ill son and a mentally confused MIL on top of it.

On the job front make sure you are making the decision not your employers.

I know you are concerned about a break on your CV but believe me it will look a lot better for you to say that you decided to take a break so you could focus on your sons health for a period, rather than being managed out due to poor performance.

DH was in a situation a few years ago where for reasons completely beyond his control he ( despite being a capable and confident professional) ended up having to resign rather than be fired due to poor performance. He was the scape goat for his manager. It was a no win situation and in the end he just had to move on. A few years down the line he is a well paid contractor in a job he enjoys.

I have seen a number of CVs recently and gaps are a lot more the norm than they used to be because of this financial climate. I don't think if you take a much needed break now that its going to automatically disqualify you from anything in the future, particularly as you don't feel your current job is taking you in the right direction.

I know that Sunday morning feeling well btw. I work 4 days a week. On Friday (my non waking day) I wake up feeling bruised and battered, by Saturday I am back to normal, then on Sunday I wake up and part of me thinks OMG tomorrow is Monday.

Sorry rambly post, hope the weather is as lovely at your end so you can try to enjoy the day.

I am grateful that my MH has forced me to leave jobs that I was miserable in, after soldiering on as long as I could. You will have to trust me that the reasons I was miserable were due to the work environment, although my own inability to respect line managers who were not worthy of respect did come into it One of these jobs was about mh, and my own mh experience was known and was an advantage in getting the job in the first place, but after being TUPEd my new employers were crap and didn't address how stress of the way they wanted me to work was affecting my mh.

However, I have remained physically well, and my mh improved after leaving each job (though my marriage continued to impact on it - am now divorced and much much better). So all in all I am thankful that my mh forced me out, it was doing its best to protect me by getting me to leave, even though I liked the actual work and was quite good at it when working conditions allowed!

I also wish there was someone, other then your H, to whom you had confided the full unvarnished truth of your situation, instead of minimising it. It is an added strain having to minimise when you are talking to people, and I am thinking here of your DM, it sets up cognitive dissonance in your mind, there's you being all 'things are not so bad, we're coping fine' while you know at the same time that you are drastically watering down the truth. Have you a BF or someone you could let it all out to? The point of confiding is not for the other person to seek solutions, it is for you to be able to talk through your situation as it really is to someone who is sympathetic, and to be able to ring them up and tell them the latest development and they will understand the implications.

Thanks again all of you. PinkPussycat and rookie: your posts are really helpful as they have helped to remind me that this is not my fault; some situations are just no win. My performance has been rated just fine or even exceeding expectations, in other places I have worked.

I feel I am going to get nowhere in trying to discuss my situation at work and explaining that the expectations are not realistic; I have already done so but the attitude is 'the job is what it is, we expect you to meet expectations now and perform the role fully, we know it is doable because your predecessor did it'. My predecessor had been performing the role for several years during which time the company had changed & evolved hugely and his role had adjusted over time to the changes. This is very different from joining an unfamiliar company in a complex stand alone role, with no handover, no training and minimal handover notes; like having to reinvent the wheel. It takes time to become fully competent in these circs and time is what I am not being given. But I am sure you have all been in situations where you have explained your perspective only to realise that, in the eyes of the other party, your perspective counts for nothing?

Anyway, enough; the job is not for me, I am sure there is someone out there who can step in and do beautifully but then I am sure I can perform beautifully elsewhere.

You are right rookiemater that I should make the decision to go rather than being managed out; my guess is that they will try to get rid of me before my one year anniversary is up (it is not far off) & it won't much matter what I do short of metamorphosing into the employee of their dreams.

Izzyizin; what brought me down is that things always seem worse at night and also that Saturday night brings the working week nearer. I hate my working life & live for my free time. With the demands we have on us, that is no way to live is it?

I can't face tomorrow....want to stay awake all night because all the time it is now it isn't tomorrow

The answer's in your hands... all you need to do is call in sick in the morning, take a week to rest up after the recent stress of ds's op, and give consideration to handing in your notice because, quite frankly, you are not fit to be doing the job you've got at the moment.

izzy is right - this just cannot go on. Not only are you not fit to do your job, you are not fit to think about your situation until you have had some sort of rest.

Just saying night night lifehope you are in a lot of people's thoughts, you know.

As you've said that you have acted on some of the advice you've been given, I sincerely hope you will come back later today to confirm that you've phoned in sick and told your employer not to expect you in this week.

Please understand that your ego, your ambition, and your desire to define yourself by your job and/or what you perceive as your place in the world, MUST go on hold because your TOP PRIORITY has be keeping yourself fit to care for your dc.

If you don't pay attention to your mental and physical welfare, and to that of your dh, what will become of your ds if the pair of you are unable to care for him? How would either of you manage if the other was hospitalised, or worse?

You and your dh have to get on the same page and work as a team. Forget about stoicism; when one flags, the other steps in and picks up the slack. It's not a competition and there's no failure in either of you asking for help from the other.

For at least the past 9 months you've been going round and round in the same hidebound circle. You now need to get off the treadmill that you've created for yourself, and take time out to rest, regroup, and rethink because you know you CANNOT go on like this.

You are right....I need a break, any decisions I make at the moment about the future are likely to be poor ones.

I have to admit to being disappointed in the lack of support I received from my employer. Yes they have said many of the right things, have asked about DS & said they are thinking of me etc but still expected me to improve & achieve top performance throughout. Not sure if they have met their duty of care, expecting peak performance from me at a time that DS has been so ill & I have been unwell myself.

Whereas DH has had cards, gifts for DS, messages of support - his boss wrote him an email telling him to take care of himself & family & NOT WORRY ABOUT WORK (in caps). I think it is at times like this that employers show if they genuinely care about their staff. Maybe employers have given up caring in the current economic climate? - but I think said caring pays dividends later. If I had been better supported I would have become a valuable employee later - now I probably won't be & they are going to have the expense of recruiting someone else. But of course I am quite a new employee & DH is longer standing at his org - so maybe I am being unfair. What do you think?

These days employers expect everyone to be like 20-somethings with no responsibilities or life outside work. That's the truth! Sadly (haha) we can't all be Alpha females with husbands in well paid jobs and nannies/housekeepers to take all the domestic and childcare strain off us. Can you guess I worked in the City (where this is expected if you are a Director or squillions or not). All they can see is the bottom line which, sadly is £££. They forget that if they actually support workers through the tough times, they tend to get a better motivated and loyal worker. Sadly, loyalty seems to be expexted one way from employers.

Of course, this isn't all employers... But it depends where/what industry and the structure of the business.

You need to seriously consider getting out of that environment. It isn't good for you or your family. You need to help yourself get fighting fit - as a priority. As the aircraft safety speel says 'get your own gasmask on before helping others'.

I say this as an ex-sunday night weeper!

Hi Frontpaw, yes you are right, I need to consider leaving this. If only it were true that I was earning a mega salary in return for all this stress....if I were I would have the option of sticking it out for as long as possible and saving up for the future. as it is, I have to deal with a very 'driven' environment in return for a quite modest salary.

I do still have a conscience and want to do the right thing by my employer....but definitely don't feel this as strongly now as if they had gone out of the way to support me. Right now I feel that my priorities are DS, DH & my well being and nothing else figures nearly so much. I don't want to spend my nights worrying & weeping about the next day ahead....life is just too short.

www.cerebra.org.uk/english/gethelp/Pages/HOME.aspx

Have you come across this charity before? Is your son's condition neurological?

Take a break, get some rest.

www.cerebra.org.uk/English/gethelp/stresshelpline/Pages/default.aspx

"Caring for any child can be stressful, caring for a child with special needs adds even more pressures and sometimes it can feel hard to cope. Together with the Swansea Metropolitan University we offer a free telephone counselling helpline for carers, to give you somewhere to talk things through and get some advice on dealing with the stress.

You can call the counselling helpline on 0800 043 9385".

Get a war chest going. Save all you can and sell some bits on ebay. Work out how much you need to live on in the meantime and plan your exit.

Maybe think about retraining? A short p/t course may lead you in a different direction and then you are being proactive about the next steps.

Take the pressure off you a bit. It may sound a bit 1950s houswife but often it is the woman in the house who is the strength that keeps everything else together. I'm not saying wait by the door in a clean pinny with your hair brushed up in a ribbon with His Masters pipe and slippers, and tea on the table! If some of the external stress is taken away, then you will have the srength to look after your DS and help your poor old DH (who sounds like he his fair share too). You will at least have a bit of breathing space to make plans.

But of course I am quite a new employee & DH is longer standing at his org - so maybe I am being unfair. What do you think?

I think you're setting up yet another situation whereby you'll be able to continue to convince yourself that life has it in for you, that everything's 'unfair', that you 'deserve' more, etc etc.

The fact is that your dh is a longstanding and obviously well-liked member of staff who is an asset to his employers and, to that extent, he has earned the respect he is accorded.

By contrast, although you successfully completed a probationery period in the latter part of last year, your subsequent performance has failed to meet your employer's requirements.

If your underperformance has led to other staff members having to take on extra tasks, it's probable that this has caused resentment among those colleagues who've had your work to do in addition to their own.

I need to consider leaving this. If only it were true that I was earning a mega salary in return for all this stress....

From what you've said, as your salary is not essential to the running of your household, leaving your employment immediately will not cause any financial hardship.

In addition, as you've repeatedly stated your belief that your current job is beneath your capabilities, it would appear that your work fuels your anger and resentment at 'life' and this, to me, is a more compelling reason why you should quit now before you're pushed.

It seems to me that the only thing to 'consider' is how soon you can leave your current employment and I would suggest that you have a word with your line manager and/or HR with a view to negotiating the terms of your notice to reflect your immediate need for sick and/or holiday leave.

I don't think I am quite as paranoid, as convinced that life 'has it in for me' as my previous postings must indicate....I am sometimes just venting here, please understand that. I am not really like this by nature. Maybe I am doing too much wallowing in misery?

Fundamentally, I believe it is up to the individual to change their circumstances for the better as far as possible...bad things happen to good people all the time.

I don't feel that I am especially singled out for hardship, if anyone is it is my DS. Yet bless him he glows with happiness much of the time.

It is not that I expect (or care about) cards, gifts etc from work etc...but it remains the fact that I have had pressure from work during this time that DH has at least been spared. I also stand by the view that a time when an employee's DS has been seriously ill is not an appropriate time to put pressure on said employee to turn in peak performance.

It is not that the job is so beneath my capabilities...but is not in line with what I want to be doing, I want to change direction. I would dispute that my performance has been 'poor' but it is not as good as it would have been otherwise. How could it be?

I am not sure whether I 'deserve better' but I do want to wake up in the morning and be at least reasonably content, not miserable, at the prospect of the working day. With that in mind I am already actively jobhunting....some job descriptions have made me realised everything that is wrong with my current situation. To teach DS that happiness is the norm...I need to be happy myself.

Thanks for the link btw JsOtherHalf, I hadn't come across this site before...have already approached them. I just want to get the support I need to go through with this. It is hard though. Even the recent controversy re abortion has upset me. My own view is that 'pro choice' is not the same thing as 'pro abortion' and i generally don't presume to judge others. But I found myself crying just now over what someone not a million miles distant said to me recently.....that my DS situation is potential argument for abortion and wouldn't it have been better (for whom?) if he had been allowed to 'just slip away' when a baby.

Yes people do say things like this to me and more than once. I am usually speechless....tend to bottle it up as, if I expressed how I felt that would mean shouting at or even slapping them.

Hope you have a peaceful Easter.

I think it is harsh to accuse you of thinking that 'life has it in for you'. One of the symptoms of depression is to only (or predominantly) see the negative and you also do come across as someone who has been crucially, probably historically, unsupported at key times. I can relate to that, simply because that really has been the case for me re it has been all down to me and I've had to be resolute about carving my own future/life out of rock. If one has been crucially unsupported it is then hard to see support when it is there, or to wait for it to flower: historically it has not been there and one automatically shoulders the burden alone.

Your current workplace have clearly laid out where they stand - and for someone like you, as well as someone in your position, that isn't good enough. You need a nurturing environment and your current place isn't it. I have also had to leave jobs because I knew I couldn't take the 'cut-throat' culture. Current culture as well as economic climate only has space for the truly hardy - and there aren't many of those, in truth, despite what people say: most of us have our vulnerabilities.

Your 'vulnerabilities', at least on paper, are considerable. yy some people carve out astonishing careers despite considerable personal handicaps but they are in the distinct minority and, I would bet, have an established support base that nurtures them at root. Your support base - your husband - is focused not only on your son, which should make you a team, but too much (imo) on someone who is significantly draining what should be yours: his mother. Your mother, for whatever reason, doesnt come up with the goods (or you feel unable to lean on her) and the result is that you are alone, soldiering under a massive weight; then expected to turn on a sixpence and be sprightly and resourceful in a job that doesn't even pay much and, at root, is not really interested in what you are facing personally, not really interested in you as a person.

i hope that doens't depress you. I agree with pink that cutting my cloth according to my MH needs has been good for me in the long run, though challenging at the time.