I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

Hi LH11 - Saw your post earlier on but didn't have time to reply!

Some people are very nosey; you gave a good reply. Did the person look surprised?

Good luck for your interview! Lots of people will be thinking about you!!!

Best wishes! x

Thank you rookie and sad, I have a good feeling about the job & know I can do it no problem, but in the current economic situation there is so much competition so don't want to get my hopes up too much.

DS had his check up & all healing up fine.....huge relief! I have my neurology appointment now, am tempted not to bother but think that would be unwise.

DH BIL & SIL are supporting each other in doing their best by MIL to ensure she gets the care she needs but I know it is a big burden for them.

Good luck with your interview LifeHope11, I have been following your thread . No wonder you were stressed !Glad things are a bit better, sometimes just a few things improving makes you realise things are changing.

Hi Colette & thanks, yes hopefully things are changing for the better. Things have been hard but i have waited and hoped for better times......maybe they are upon me now!!

I am off to sleep at long last. Night night & love to you all.

Bad news from SIL....apparently MIL is in a really bad way & has deteriorated dramatically since being there. SIL is definitely struggling, finding it really stressful. At least we have had prior experience of dealing with a sick dependent person (DS) so know the kind of demands it places, it comes as a big shock otherwise.

It will be difficult for her to stay where she is because of immigration issues so residential care (which she needs now) is probably not going to be doable there so she will have to come back - also she wants this.

So we will need to look at the costs of residential care near us & whether her income can cover this, chances are it won't. Would I be really unfair to put my foot down about us contributing? My own DM never asked me for anything (in fact more often asks what she can do for us), my DF had dementia & before he passed away we never had to contribute to his care home, he had saved & planned for their old age.

I am maybe being harsh & letting this colour my thinking too much....but I want to be responsible for my DS & DH and no one else. We don't have stacks of money, we do alright but only because we have worked & saved hard for years.

I might have known the (relative) peace was too good to last.

I should say that it is not a case of us being easily able to afford something....if we have to pay out say a few hundred a month we are likely to struggle. I am just not prepared to struggle for this.....I have enough worries already without adding money worries to the mix.

LH11 - Good grief! Don't know what to say!

There must be people on here who will be able to advise you about your MIL!

Good luck and thinking of you. x

I'm sorry to hear that you MIL needs residential care. My mother moved into a care home in February so I understand how it feels.

However, I must say Do Not offer to contribute! You should get your local council's adult social services dept involved to assess your MIL's care needs and arranging the residential home. As part of this, they will carry out a financial assessment to see how much she should pay, taking into account her income and capital (savings & other assets such as property). If she owns a house, it will have to be sold to pay for the care home fees (you can usually pay a reduced amount until the sale goes through). If her capital is low, she won't have to pay the full cost of care.

So please don't make any offers to pay until you've checked what social services can fund, it may be stressful to organise but will be better in the long run.

Hi Ellie

Many thanks for your advice. I think DH/SIL plan for her home (which is co-owned with another family member, not us btw, so selling could be complicated) could be rented out and the rental income used to pay for her care.

But my guess is that it will not be enough & there will be a shortfall. Also, as she is not in the country it will not be possible for SSvcs to assess her state of health until her return, unless a report from a local doctor who has seen her suffices.

So no I don't want us to offer to pay until we know a lot more about how things stand....I worry that paying out could set a precedent that will never end.

DH is all stressed out all over again, said that if she hadn't gone when she did it would have finished him off. Now he is tearing his hair out & I have to deal with his upset this evening.

This may sound callous but anyone who thinks we are should try walking in our shoes first. Anyway if I am a callous person I will have to embrace it. I can't give what I haven't got.

The rest of the family seem to think we can have a nice comfortable care home arrangement in place for her return. But just a few preliminary enquiries by DH today & it is apparent that it will not be so straightforward.

I just don't know how we are going to cope if she comes back & there is no support system for us. We weren't coping before & we will not cope then.

Help!!!!

Lifehope this stuff was bound to come up sooner or later. You and DH can deal, you and the BIL and SIL and DH can deal, plus you have the power of Mumsnet, where you can get plenty of practical advice from women and men who have had to make similar choices. My own SIL recently had to find a home for her DM, although thankfully she is only frail, not losing touch with the present as it were. Your MIL will probably be best back here, where the ordinary things of life are familiar - it must be hard to experience culture shock in her state of mind

Do not pay! You are spot on there! And make it very clear to SS that there is no possibility of anything else but a residential home. Assemble all the financial details that you can re her income and entitlements (does she get AA or DLA for instance, what might the net rental income from the house be, etc), can anyone do spreadsheets?

Yes Pink you're right.....we just have to find a way to deal with this. DH is looking into some options, has an estate agent to view her home for rental (I suppose that the sooner it starts generating income the better). But I have told him not to make any decisions until he has seen the solicitor.

I think that the only things I can't do are to pay for her care or have her to live with us.....I just know that won't work, we don't have the resources (lack of space, time, needs of DS). But if her home is rented when she gets back, where is she supposed to stay? I am worried that if she stays with us even temporarily, SS will see it as setting a precedent and assume we are coping.

LifeHope11 sorry to hear about MIL
re. your worry about setting a precedant if she was staying with you temporarily, not sure how ss works this way. Have you contact with a social worker who perhaps help by giving you more advice ?
Also think Pink is right this would have come up at some point so getting it sorted will be good for the longer term.

Hi Colette, no we don't have a social worker.....we had one but she resigned & we haven't had a new one assigned yet. From hearing of other people's stories it seems that once an arrangement has been set up it is hard to have it reversed later, that is what I am afraid of....so I am afraid of making any plans until we understand all the implications.

We did hope that MIL would be happy to stay where she is for longer....although we knew we would have to deal with it eventually, to be honest we were just enjoying the relative peace and not thinking about the future.

I am just venting again but: I feel very alone in this, I know that many people face the problems that we have, but all at once? I am exhausted by it all & wish things could just get better and stay better.

Sorry, that was just a little burst of self pity to round off this post! I know how it sounds....please disregard.

She is likely to need a Mental Health Residential Care home(sorry not sure if that's the proper name), as she is losing contact with the present.

8 years ago, when my MIL broke her hip, she had an operation in one hospital, rehabilitation in another, was given a council bungalow (she was just frail, mind clear), and went into an Old People's home as a temporary measure when released from hospital until the bungalow was ready. But that was a long time ago in terms of changes to the NHS, and a different health problem, of course. Someone will have or being having more recent experience of this and posted about it on MN.

One thing that does occur to me, that it is might be the services of the local Mental Health Trust that your MIL needs (as oppososed to the ordinary Trusts). I'm linked into these trusts throught the adult service users, as I have used the services myself for quite a while, and ours certainly has a branch devoted to older people's mental health. So if you could PM me your area then I could look into things more specifically, if it would help?

Hi Pink, thanks very much for that, I just PM'd you.

HI Lifehope
Glad things eased off for a while there.

Best best best of luck for your interview. Everything crossed!

Hi there

Good news re interview this morning....went well & the agent contacted me to say I had a 2nd interview next week. So far so good.

Excellent news LifeHope :)

great news about the interview - wonderful

as you know, I'm the praying kind.

My, how things have moved on for you! MIL in another country - wow (you could've said!)

why are you thinking of renting out her house? surely, wouldn't it be better to sell it and then her care is seen to. You can't have her in your house. Neither can you pay.

ah yes, you think you are so uncharitable. I won't post what my thoughts are about your MIL's future then.

SIL and BIL now know full well what you were facing when she lived here, so that will be a help iyswim. They are no longer oblivious and, if they were prepared to have her with them (which shows commitment) then it looks like they won't stand back if she comes back to blighty (though, personally, I hope it doesn't come to that tbh).

Bravo that your life is moving out of grinding stress and unhappiness. Long may it continue.

I read your thread back in March and have just skim read the updates on our MIL.

Please just refuse to have her back in your home so social services are forced to sort out her care etc. Her home may have to be sold etc but that is the best solution as you do not have the capacity to cope.

That is what are homes are for, providing for us in our old age.

well done on the interview, see even with all the MIL stuff going on you shone through

Dear all, thank you for your messages and good wishes.

Yes indeed, the rest of the family have first hand experience of MIL condition. I am not even sure that she has deteriorated as much as claimed, just that they were unprepared for for how bad it has really got.

I will have to put my foot down about MIL care if it really comes to it....i just know that would go horribly wrong.

I agree with Springydaffs - why is your DH looking into renting out your MIL's house already? I would be concerned as it is unlikely you can arrange the care home before she returns, so you could end up having MIL stay with you if her home is rented out when she returns, and that could be a slippery slope towards your DH deciding that she could just stay there.

My mum was in hospital before being moved into a care home, and prior to that was at home with carers visiting four times a day, so a different situation to yours.

However, I can offer some advice on finances, though it may vary in different local authorities. My mum has to pay the full cost of her care as she has capital over the local authority limit of £23k (the house she
owns). As she doesn't actually have this money in the bank, the local authority allows her to pay 50% of the care costs (this amount is based on her income only - my sisters and I are not expected to contribute). The remaining 50% care costs is accrued as a debt against the house.

When we sell her house, the debt from the care costs will be paid off, the rest of the money will go in the bank, and my mum will pay the full cost of her care until her savings drop to £23k. At this point she pays a reduced amount, until her savings are down to £14k, when she doesn't have to pay at all - the council funds it.

If we decide to rent her house out, she will pay a higher percentage of the care costs as her income will increase, but it still won't be enough for the full cost of her care. Again, the rest of the costs are held as a debt until the house is sold, whenever that maybe. I expect your local authority has a similar arrangement and it might be worth finding out more about this to reassure yourself.

The fact your MIL's house is co-owed may affect what she is expected to pay anyway.

It is a long and difficult process, but it will be better for your MIL in the end.

Hi EllieQ - yes indeed, I think ultimately selling her house will be the only option as I am sure the rental income generated (we have had quotes) will not adequately cover her care.

In my opinion her living with us even short term is not an option...we have just 2 bedrooms and she would have to go in the single one (adapted for DS needs), DS would have to go in the other with one of us & the other would sleep on the sofa. She stayed with us short term a couple of years ago & frankly it was a nightmare; also, she suffers from insomnia so was up all night, lights on, pacing up & down etc....in a small house that ensures none of us sleep.

Call me selfish but there is NO WAY I am having us put through that again & if it is suggested I will have to put my foot down...so sadly I see a potential big row coming up.