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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

237 replies

LifeHope11 · 06/03/2012 10:00

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/03/2012 19:58

I thought of you all today. HOpe it went well Life.

LifeHope11 · 15/03/2012 20:41

Thanks for your messages. DS came through his surgery OK, very sleepy but comfortable - we hope to have him home soon.

OP posts:
springydaffs · 15/03/2012 20:55

Glad to hear it went well Life and I hope his recovery is straightforward.

And that you get some PEACE in your life! x

DorisIsWaiting · 16/03/2012 10:17

Really pleased for you life, I will have my fingers crossed for your boy.

I hope you can access some help soon.

LifeHope11 · 22/03/2012 13:43

Hi again

Not looking for advice as such (I have received plenty of great advice from many of you & assuredly am acting on it). I am just feeling very wobbly & it is hard to see a way through, I just want our lives to get better, will there ever be an end to this?

DS is still OK so fingers crossed the scare is over. I just feel hollow and drained & as if I don't have the energy to go on....I am sick of having to be strong and I wish life would stop for a while so I could get off.

There are still ongoing issues with mil....near daily dramas, calls & visits from her, from our neighbours (when she approached them with problems etc)& demands for info from Social Services so they can put care plan in place....all this going on right through the time DS was in hospital & we were practically living up there, worried if he would pull through. My DM is visiting me this weekend & I want to be able to talk to her about things, I don't see nearly enough of her.....but if mil turns up unexpectedly (which happens frequently) I won't be able to do this. She will look round outside the house & see us in there so we can't hide.....we will have to clear out of the house & go to a restaurant/cafe, like fugitives, just to have peace. This situation has been upsetting me more than I even know. DH is haggard with the stress of it.

This is just a vent...I don't expect anyone to have all the answers. I just want life to get easier just enough to be manageable, I can't bear all this.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 17:47

Might it not be such a bad idea for your DM to see for herself what you are dealing with?

LifeHope11 · 22/03/2012 19:30

Hi PinkPussycat...what I am scared about is that my DM is elderly & quite frail herself. Though I think she is entitled to know what is going on, I don't want her to know how hard things really are. She will just worry unduly & not be in a position to offer practical support.....nor of course do I expect any such support from her. She is very independent & does not expect anything from us.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 19:57

I think we may have talked about this before? Being frail does not rule out being strong minded, as it were, and while she may not be able to offer physical support, do not underestimate having someone you can tell everything to, particularly if she is your DM. Also, your MIL is not the first old person to live alone with dementia while the next generation tries to offer support, and who knows what life experience (through friends she has known, or the older generation of her youth) your DM may have to offer. This problem is not a novel one, it's been going on for centuries...

LifeHope11 · 22/03/2012 23:11

I am still awake at the moment and feeling very lonely. It is good that I am awake because it is not tomorrow, which I am dreading as ever. My DS situation wounds me so much. I wish life would get easier; I love life really. Even though I don't like my life much at the moment; but there are people in it to love.

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 23:17

Lifehope if your DM is anything like me, she will prefer to know what she is worrying about. I guarantee she is worrying about you already, and the scenarios she's imagining may actually be worse than your actual situation.

izzyizin · 23/03/2012 03:58

I'm very pleased that your ds has recovered from his recent op. Is he back home now?

It's my understanding that during term time your ds is collected and returned to your home daily, with the exception of the one night a week he stays over at his school. It is unclear whether you receive any other assistance in caring for your ds during the week or at weekends, but presumably you have access to additional help during school vacations times as both you and your dh are in full-time employment.

On one of your previous threads you mentioned that your ds goes on a residential holiday for one week a year, albeit that funding for this year may not be available.

From what you have said, your ds's physical care needs are shared between yourself and your dh and, to that extent, they are not as onerous a burden as they would be if, for example, you were living in a country where little provision is made for children with disabilities.

However, with regard to your mil, it's clear that she is suffering from either senile dementia or Alzheimer's and it's, therefore, not within her power to halt the progressive loss of her cognitive thinking, or control her resultant behaviour any more than your ds can stop his disabilities retarding his development or control his double incontinence.

By virtue of the fact that his siblings do not live within easy travelling distance of their dm, the burden of care for your mil has fallen to your dh and it is likely that the current status quo will remain for the foreseeable future.

I am glad to see that SS are now on the case, but you should be aware that any care plan that is put into place while your mil remains in her own home is likely to consist of morning and evening visits from a home care worker. As such, this will not prevent her leaving her flat whenever she wishes and approaching neighbours/strangers, or arriving at your home unannounced at inconvenient times.

All things must pass but, until they do, effectively it comes down to the serenity prayer which is not an appeal for anything other than the serenity to accept that which can't be changed, the courage to change what can be changed, and the wisdom to know the difference.

The needs of your ds and your mil cannot be changed, but you can change your perception of what you currently see as unjust and intolerable burdens by recognising that the anger and resentment you have been holding onto for a very long time is causing you as much, if not more, stress than the challenge of meeting their needs.

It may be unfair that you have to put your plans for further education on hold, it may be unfair that you are working in a job that you feel is beneath you, it may be unfair that the bright future you hoped for has to be put on ice until such time as you can pursue it, and it may be unfair that others appear to be gliding effortlessly through their lives.

Be that as it may, if you can find the grace to accept that you cannot have it all at the present time it will be possible for you to reach an accomodation with yourself whereby you look to gain personal satisfaction from concentrating on what needs to be done to meet the varying demands on your time and energy, and on those of your dh, rather than raging at the unfairness of fate.

I haven't written these words lightly as, having kept an aged relative who suffered from senile dementia in her own home for some 10 years while being a single parent to my dc and furthering my demanding career, I know full well that being a 'carer' is a thankless task that can take one to the very brink of the abyss - and to the bottom of it.

Although I was fortunate in that I was able to employ a small army to keep my own domestic show and that of my relative's on the road, neverthless, the challenge of keeping the plates spinning while juggling with seemingly never-ending tasks fell solely on my shoulders and many's the night I sobbed myself to sleep from sheer exhaustion and from what seemed to me to be the utter hopelessess and futility of it all.

If your mil has anything in common with my aged relative, I'm sure she didn't set out to be another yoke around your neck and it's likely that the poor lady believes there's nothing wrong with her and that she's coping admirably, while her nearest and dearest are on their knees with worry about her welfare.

Try to stop giving yourself such a hard time, honey. Find the flow and go with it - and please keep taking your medication because your dh doesn't deserve a repeat of what happened when you decided to play russian roulette with your epilepsy drugs.

garlicbutter · 23/03/2012 04:43

LifeHope, I can't add to the advice and support you're getting from others here. But I'm concerned about your immediate welfare. I've suffered complete mental & physical breakdown and so much in your posts reminds me of those times. I'm not recovered, years later, and may in fact never recover fully. If I could change one thing, it would be to stop 'coping' when the fibres of my being were screaming for rest. I think you're having a breakdown. You may have to turn your back on your job - but don't make that decision; just decide to respect your health and go off sick with stress.

Please.

Good to hear you are finding support, and continue to seek more. Life does stink sometimes, so please keep taking care of yourself as well as DS & DH. If you crack open, who will take care of them then?

Eat properly, drink water, get sleep. Stay home. x

LifeHope11 · 24/03/2012 00:42

Hi again

garlicbutter: I know what you are saying about my needing to take time out. I am just worried that if I take time out of my job I may never get it back again; or, at the very least, may never regain credibility. I feel that I should soldier on as long as I can, I always have the option to throw in the towel/take time off sick/ drop out altogether. I feel I am letting DS down as well as DH by giving up, unless I absolutely have to. DS has been through more shite than anyone I know but he doesn't know the meaning of giving up. Does that make sense?

izzyizin: you are right that I should let go of some of the anger and resentment that really has nowhere to go, however I really don't see why I should give up every hope of being a person of some standing in the world and of progressing in my career (I studied VERY hard to get where I am). mil has 2 other DC who are doing just fine in their lives/careers etc, it is asking too much of me to put my own life on hold in those circs. I am well into my 40s, if I put my working life on hold my career is almost certainly finished. That is too much of a price to pay. I don't want to be a 2nd class citizen all my life, at the moment I certainly feel like one.

I am trying to treat my health with more respect and certainly am taking my meds.

I am not sure whether I am having a breakdown but I am certainly going through strange times. I never knew that stress could affect the mind so badly. I was travelling to work this morning, a woman got on the bus wearing an orangy red coat. The colour affected me (it is as though everything I experience through the senses is fed ithrough the 'stress' filter) and I actually felt nauseous.

Here I am again, sitting up late on my own. Tomorrow is not just another day, it is a nasty day. I have been listening to music....these slender little pockets of happiness and beauty that are still available to me, mean so much.

OP posts:
LifeHope11 · 24/03/2012 00:55

DS is recovering from his op, has a big scar on his side, is in pain:

DH is just back at work, in his demanding full time job, has his DM to deal with as well as caring for DS, looks haggard with stress;

Given these circs it is hard for ME to claim to be the weak and vulnerable one and go off on sick leave, threatening the family's financial etc security etc. It will lead to a whole lot more problems. Does that make sense?

I feel that I have to be the strong one. How to do it though? Has anyone ever got into the position where they genuinely didn't care what anyone thought of them? How did you get there?

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 24/03/2012 00:58

it is as though everything I experience through the senses is fed through the 'stress' filter

Oh, I do know what you mean! It's a sign of a traumatised mind. I'm glad you're taking antidepressants - even if they don't improve your mood much, they will help to support your system against the domino effects of running on adrenaline for too long. Stress also depletes Vitamin B, so make sure you're getting far more than the RDA of all the B group, including folate.

Good to hear you're observing your pockets of loveliness! Also try to meditate each day - daydreaming on purpose is good enough, just find 10 minutes to transport yourself to a place & time of peace and contentment.

Go to sleep now :) And I'll take my own advice.

blowcushion · 24/03/2012 01:02

Hi LH11 - Remember all of your posts so clearly! (I have name-changed).

So sorry for everything that is happening to you! You clearly have too much on your plate!

Just don't know what to say to give comfort! Hope that your DS continues to progress well and that your DH gets some relief from the awful stress of the situation regarding your MIL!

Try and have a good night's sleep; we're all thinking about you and so pleased for your post and your update. You are much, much more positive now!

With very best wishes to you and your family!

garlicbutter · 24/03/2012 01:10

Lol, I don't care what anyone thinks of me but you wouldn't want to get to it the way I did!

We cross-posted. Shan't ask you any more questions now, because we both need to sleep. Have nice dreams. I hope you all feel a little better in the morning.

ThePinkPussycat · 24/03/2012 01:13

Littlehope you don't mention anything re my thoughts on confiding in your DM?

MIL was a terrible worrier, but when she was worrying she at least she was contributing something! My own DM doesn't worry, but is not one for emotional talk, particularly, yet she has listened and supported me so much, at the end of the phone, through my recent divorce.

ThePinkPussycat · 24/03/2012 01:13

she at least felt* she was contributing something!

LifeHope11 · 24/03/2012 01:14

I will go to bed now & tomorrow may be better.

I will try to make a decent fist of being a successful human being. I feel that all the component parts of a decent human being are in me, somehow though they won't come together and make a fist. I feel that I have no place in the world and consequently feel wasted.

OP posts:
LifeHope11 · 24/03/2012 01:19

Hallo Pussycat, thanks for your message. Yes my DM is coming at the weekend, I will take your advice & I will confide in her frankly about my situation. She is physically q frail but otherwise she is as sharp as a knife!

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 24/03/2012 12:18

Good morning, darling. It's wonderfully sunny here and my plants are pushing out new shoots by the hundreds - I'll have flowers before long! Hope you've got sunshine and, likewise, signs of renewal to inspire you.

Your place in the world looks pretty well made to me. You're a patient and devoted mother, loving partner and mutual support with your husband, clever at work, and on here you are a thoughtful & intelligent friend.

One of things that threw me badly, when things went wrong, was the sudden change in my 'persona'. To me and everyone around me, I was a kind of glossy stereotype (my words now, not then!) - groomed, well-paid, social, classy; you know - then found I wasn't able to be that high achiever any more. What I've been learning since then is that the core of 'me' had little to do with all that. The intelligence & creativity, which allowed me to achieve the rest, are unchanged. So is the curiosity that made me a good friend, and the humour. My physical resilience has gone, as have the trappings, but my qualities are still here.

I'm not underestimating the reverberations of the changes. To lose one's expectations of the future, assumptions about life and much of one's self-perception is devastating. It is a form of bereavement. It also changes other people's perceptions of you (is that what you meant about caring what they think?) which throws you still further. As with anybody suffering a physical loss, the best advice is to gently nurture yourself through the process of grieving.

But it's all right to change. You are no more defined by your current circumstances than I was by my Soho House membership! It's okay to set new priorities, to love yourself for who you are and forge your life in a new shape.

It's also okay to present a forceful case to you in-laws and share MIL-care in line with current circumstances.

I hope some of this has made some sense. Go outside and have a look at those buds!

LifeHope11 · 24/03/2012 21:55

Hallo again,

Yes dear garlicbutter, I have sunny Spring weather too (so now I have given away what hemisphere I am in). It's a relief after a long dismal winter and does lift the spirits if one lets it.

It is true that it is a kind of bereavement to have it dawn on me that the life I have is seriously at variance with the one I hoped for and dreamed of, and that it will always be that way. (Not to compare it with a real bereavement ie loss of a loved one - but the loss of one's longed-for future is also a real though lower order of loss).

I do need to find a way forward to a place where I can be reasonably at peace and also provide for DS adequately.

Some of ILs are open to supporting us so hopefully that burden will be shared in the future.

I think if there is one thing I want right now is to stop feeling inferior to everyone else, awkward & as if I have to be apologising for myself all the time (this feeling is historical and deep rooted). I feel that my life is challenging enough and I have to jettison any emotional baggage that makes it still more challenging. Life is an arduous journey and, emotionally, I have to travel light as it were. So the inferiority complex has to die. How to kill it eh? Has anyone successfully done this, and if so how?

OP posts:
ThePinkPussycat · 24/03/2012 22:37

That sounds good about the ILs. Do you know what sort of provision you have in mind for DS's future (don't say if you don't want to, obv)?

garlic speaks sense, especially about the persona thing. I am thinking back over my life to date (nearly 60, just divorced!) and noticing all sorts of patterns in it, paricularly about things not turning out like I thought. Would like to think a bit more about this and post my thoughts, if that's all right.

Is DM there yet?

blowcushion · 25/03/2012 04:17

I am no expert but think, from your posts, that you are heading for a major breakdown! Hope that your DM will help you to get things sorted - you said that she is as sharp as a knife! Be honest with her and tell her about the situation! Repeat- be honest!

Best wishes