I can't go on any more....living with stress and anguish so long

[LifeHope11]

My DS (11) is severely disabled.....unable to walk, has severe learning difficulties. He went through major surgery last year to correct (not cure) his disabilities....was a major ordeal but he was through the worst.

In the meantime I was made redundant in unpleasant circumstances, it took me months but I managed to find another job.

So I thought that though our situation was challenging and that the stress had taken a greater toll than I even knew at the time, we were over the worst and could look forward to a better future.

But: DS has developed complications from his op a week or so ago, the site of the surgery has turned septic and we are having to rush him in to see the consultant & try to get the better of it.

In the meantime I am struggling with my new job & it is made clear that I have to be performing better in the very near future.

I feel the pressure just building up & building up and I feel I can't take any more. I wanted to do some further education....but feel there is just no way I can take this on right now. So I feel I am selling out my future as well as I have let this lapse. All around, I feel that every prospect I had of a brighter future is just slipping away.

I have had enough of everything being such a struggle. DH struggles too as he has separate family pressures as well....so he gets resentful & angry & lashes out at me.

If it wasn't for DS I think I would be far better off dead. I am on antidepressents but think there is a limit to what they can do; they can't change our circumstances. For the same reason I don't see how counselling can help. I feel I need support but it is all of the practical kind, ie. for God's sake please please take the pressure off me just for a while so I can try to come to terms with all this, and find a way to live through it and come out the other end.

Yes springy it is true that when I look back over my life I remember several instances when I have felt alone at my most vulnerable, as if there was nobody to turn to. The situation I am going through at work feels like yet another repeat of all that - the feeling of isolation. I feel like I have lived through too much to go through all of this again. Any more pressure and I feel that I will walk out on it.

I talked to DM at length yesterday about how the MIL situation was making me feel. I felt so disloyal doing it. I do feel that I have to protect her from much of the worst but maybe there is no need. Eg I finally told her about the fact that MIL owed me £2000 which I put up to facilitate a transaction related to the purchase of her new home 18 months ago; I expected it to be reimbursed quickly but instead had to chase and chase to get the money back. This had really rankled me and to be honest still does. I don't understand why anyone (let alone close family) would want to take money from a mother with a disabled child and not pay it back immediately. I didn't even consider it a loan; it was just to facilitate a transaction as MIL was out of the country while the house purchase was going through. I was assured that my money was required because I was in the country and could ensure the money was paid in time, and that I would be reimbursed within weeks. Then of course I wasn't and it was only through pressuring, hassling and reminding, refusing to let the matter go, that I was finally reimbursed a couple of days ago.

I am afraid that I have learned that being kind and considerate of everyone's feelings earns me zero respect. It is sad that I have to be demanding and difficult just to be treated decently. I have decided that just by virtue of being the mother of DS I deserve respect; ensuring I get it is another matter. My other problem is how to ensure I have the courage to go on living; how to be free of fear that holds me back and doesn't serve me. I still feel inferior to the majority of the population (this fear is historical & deep rooted; you probably know enough about me, from reading my posts hear, to establish whether it is true that I am inferior: if you think this it is true, please please don't post it without telling me what I need to do to change this and move forward.....please don't just pour scorn on me, give me answers and solutions too).

I am a bad, selfish and venal person. I wanted my money back from MIL and let this colour my opinion of her. I do adore DS but sometimes want to be free of the whole situation. I may walk out on my job today because I won't be able to stand it any more; as if I am the only person who is having to do a job they hate.

Hey LH11 - you sound as if you are VERY seriously depressed now!

Get some help! Not sure through which agency but MNs will advise.

With very best wishes

You were quite right to expect the arrangment about the money to be held to. Being both fair-dealing and needing money does not make you venal. Good for you for persuing this - the fact that you did so shows that you are actually made of quite stern stuff.

Thanks PinkPussycat. It is true that I was under pressure to 'write off' the money which I was furious about as I had made it so clear that I expected the money back and was so thoroughly reassured that I needn't worry it would certainly be repaid. Then, nothing - & the family showing off 'their' new house, which I had helped purchase, to all & sundry.

I kept on at DH about it but didn't want to pressure him during the dark days of DS illness. All credit to him that he got it back for me in the end. But I still feel bitter about having to fight so hard for it. The money was part of my redundancy settlement they knew I had a lump sum which is why they went after me for it. I had to argue & fight to get it from my previous employer, then argue & fight for it all over again from ILs. Or that's what it feels like to me anyway.

Hallo blowcushion, it is true that I am depressed. I need to be rid of it because my life is too demanding to suffer depression. With a bit of distance from my job (I am at home this week having taken vacation to look after DS during the school holidays) I realise just how much I loath it. I am worried though that I am being unreasonable in wanting to throw in the towel with this job just because I hate it. What about my obligations to DH & DS (to earn a living & maintain their comfort & security). Am I a failure and a coward if I pack it in for the sake of my own well being? But I feel the day will come- it is coming soon - when I just won't want to do it any more. If so I will have to tolerate feeling even worse about myself than I do already, whilst miraculously avoiding depression.

Another reason for needing that money back - it represented nearly 2 months' pay & I may need it soon. I don't expect to find the job of my dreams, I would just like to be reasonably content at the prospect of a working day and (if I am extra lucky, though this is not essential) actually enjoy parts of my work. I know this is not unrealistic as i have had this before. At the moment I dread every day and hate every moment of it. Rightly or wrongly, I can't live like this.

Sorry this has turned into another rant. I find myself trying to follow my thought processes on these posts, and unfortunately they are very cumbersome.

That is exactly what redundancy money is for. People who happen to be eligible for IS don't get any money until redundancy pay has been used up at a certain rate.

Could you claim Carers Allowance for looking after DS - I assume he gets DLA at some rate? I am not up to date but Carers Allowance is supposed to be an income replacement benefit, to compensate for putting in 35 hours a week or more caring, and so not able to do paid work.

And if you could claim CA, then work out whether/what Tax Credits you could claim with DS being cared for 'f/t' by you and DH in full time work.

Does MIL get DLA or AA? Might she be eligible? Blooming gvt are changing everything soon, see Benefit and Work site re DLA/AA and their replacement, PIP.

My dear, you need a therapist to talk all this through with. You need professional support to work through the many painful threads that have overwhelmed you. You are not weak: you are not well.

Actually, your suffering is so intense, your self-loathing and self-flagellation so deep, it brings a lump to my throat. However, these are symptoms of depression, which is a brutal illness which you can no more will away than a broken back (poor analogy: depression does heal) re I need to be rid of it because my life is too demanding to suffer depression: you are not in control of it, it is not a weakness, it is an illness. You must accept that you are not well: acceptance is the prerequisite to getting well; willing it away ensures it will take a greater hold.

I would suggest an increased dose of anti-d's. At my worst - when I was in as deep and dark a depression as you are now, when each day I wondered how it was possible to go on living - I eventually increased to the full dose, which saved my life (no question about that), and gave me a profound gratitude for these miracle meds. If you are not well then you need them: that's what they're there for, just as insulin is there for the diabetic.

I am so with you about the £2K. It was a low thing for them to do, a disgrace.

I hesitate to say this but if you have a breakdown (which looks likely if you dont take care of yourself), the care these days is not good. You will be prescribed meds, which will do their magic, but you won't get the care you need and deserve. This is the shocking truth about the NHS today: MH funding in the NHS is risible. Please don't think that if you drive yourself into the ground (and you are dangerously close), someone will rescue you and be kind to you: they won't. In the old days they did, but not now. You must secure yourself appropriate therapeutic support at your earliest convenience: use the £2K to get you started (unless you have private healthcare?), and see your GP to get your meds increased. By the time you start to feel better (which will be automatic with increased meds and therapeutic support), you will be in a position to gradually start taking up your life again. The longer you drive yourself into the ground, the longer it will take to heal.

I do want to heal & I am aware I am not well & things are not right. Getting help is difficult though. I really want a doctor to adjust my meds & also sign me off sick for a couple of weeks so I can focus on getting well. Just called the GP this morning...the earliest I can get an appointment with any doctor is next Wednesday,'except for a medical emergency' (which this isn't.). I will be back at work then as well as caring for DS....I just plain can't go.

I feel angry & bitter about money situation, but if I were feeling better I could put it behind me if only for DH sake. It was never about the money itself, I just felt pushed around and disrespected. If I hadn't repeatedly demanded the money back I would never have got it and I feel that this is unacceptable. The result is that I don't feel inclined to do any further favours for ILs now, with exception of those few who have been considerate & put themselves out for us in the past. As for the rest...even for DH sake I resent having them round at our house even.

I need to find another more suitable job, and am arranging do commence my further studies in September. There is a time limit to commence these & I think I will always regret it if I don't do them.

All you need to do is call in sick on the day you are due to return to work from your annual leave and self-certificate until you have seen your doctor next Wednesday - see here: www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=self-certificate%20uk&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CEAQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.nhs.uk%2Fchq%2FPages%2F1062.aspx%3FCategoryID%3D68%26SubCategoryID%3D158&ei=KY2FT6euNuid0AWdnaS-Bw&usg=AFQjCNG-X-tzbX3opStf1vSBnjNxbykrLQ&cad=rja

As it is apparent is that you are unlikely to 'get well' in a couple of weeks, and that any benefit you gain from having a break from your present employment will be dissipated as soon as you return to work, you're best advised to use your sick leave to rest, recuperate, and give thought to handing in your notice regardless of whether you have found another job otherwise it's probable that, after a brief absence, you will simply step back onto the treadmill of hopelessness and despair.

With regard to the money you were persuaded to loan your mil and which you have now recovered, revisiting the angst you feel at being 'disrespected' and 'pushed around' can only serve to prolong your discontent.

This unfortunate experience is the type that can easily happen to any of us when we loan money to those who may not have the same sense of obligation or honour as ourselves to swiftly repay such debts. Regard it as a learning curve; you've discovered some harsh truths about your ils that you may not previously have been aware of and you now know not to put yourself in the same situation again.

If/when your mil is diagnosed or a SS care plan is put in place for her, she will be entitled to claim the new equivalent of attendance/carer's allowance and it may be to your advantage, and that of your household, if you research what additional benefits are available both for your mil and also possibly for your ds which will enable you to give up work, or find local part-time employment that may be out of your chosen field until you have completed your further studies - to this end I would suggest you regard this time as a 'sabbatical' rather than an exercise in giving up your ambitions for the future or martyring yourself to the cause 'because no-one else is prepared to do it'.

With a severely disabled ds and a mentally impaired mil to care for, your primary objective should be to find practical ways of relieving as much pressure as possible from yourself and your dh so that you can spend quality time with ds and each other, and thereby rediscover some of the joy in life.

Of course you are not an intrinsically 'inferior' being. However, it seems to me that your misguided but seemingly deep-rooted belief that you are not 'good enough' has coloured, and is colouring, your view of your world and is painting it much darker than it is in reality.

Without knowing considerably more about your history and to what extent the birth of your ds and his disabilities have impacted on your belief system, it is not possible to recommend a psychotherapy that will address a condition that would seem to be far more than the type of 'depression' that can be alleviated by ADs.

It could be that a short course of cbt will have the effect of putting a plaster over the wound, so to speak, but in order to fully 'heal' it may be that you will need to embark on long-term regular sessions of a talking therapy in order to explore, modify, and alter the erroneous beliefs that are sustaining and fuelling the anger and resentment that is blighting your life.

Ask your gp to refer you for assessment to determine which therapy will be of most benefit to you and, in the meantime, explore the alternative stess relieving therapies such as meditation, hypnotherapy, EFT, etc, which I believe have been suggested to you in this and/or your other threads.

As springy has said, mental health provision in the NHS is sadly lacking but even if it were funded to the full, it would still be down to you - as it is to all of us - to put in the time and effort it will take to bring about a positive change in your thinking and outlook.

In short there is no magic wand and, within the boundaries of certain unalterable immutables, life is what we each make of it. I hope that you will take the necessary steps to make yours more rewarding and fulfilling than it has been since you first posted here.

Yes izzy it is true that I have to take responsibility for my own well being and nobody is going to do that for me. Sometimes though I can't help the way I feel eg I can't just turn off my anger about the money situation. But I have to find a way to put it behind me.

I have just had another money situation arising from the ILs....I paid for DH relative's air ticket to visit in my credit card, on the understanding that DH would take care of my credit card payments for the next few months. But he hasn't been doing it and I have just received a default notice. I don't actually blame him....he has been placed under so much pressure lately. But I think the next time I am asked for money to help out ILs the answer will have to be 'no'. Because it will end with my feeling let down and resentful and that isn't good for any of us.

I think I will go into work on Friday- God how I am dreading it but it is only one day - and if it doesn't go well or I don't/can't cope then I will call in sick and self certify for a week as you suggest, then maybe get a doctor to sign me off for longer. I keep telling myself that I will put up with it for just one more day.

I had a bit of a spat with DH as I am trying to get him used to the idea that one of these days I may have to walk out on my job, that I am suffering from depression. His response: 'You have nothing to be depressed about, why would you be depressed? You've got a job'. To my response that I hated my job: 'you have had this problem everywhere you've worked; you've always hated your job. The problem is with you not the jobs. You're always miserable'.

There is some truth here but only some. I have had jobs I hate before & been vocal about hating them; equally, there have been others where I have been quite happy & even enjoyed what I do....so I know this is not unrealistic. Right now I feel rebellious, as if I want to refuse to spend my precious time doing something I hate.

I don't mean to come across as whining and negative as I am sure I sometimes do here. I must sometimes miss things that are right under my nose so tell me when I am doing so. I know where I want to be: reasonably secure, setting up my DS for a good life, working at a job in my chosen profession and moderately enjoying at least some aspects of my work; and feeling emotionally healthy/robust enough to take on most people & situations. I know happiness for what it is when I have it; it is in the doing as well as in the being. I need to be doing things that are meaningful to me & beneficial to my dear ones.

Don't beat yourself up needlessly, honey. We don't come into this life with an instruction manual and the majority of us have to feel or find or otherwise stumble into a mindset that works for us and enables us to reach some kind of accomodation as to what it's all about.

If I achieve an 80% satisfaction rate I reckon I'm doing well, and of the remaining 20% I can put 10% down to factors that are beyond my ability to change and 10% down to the general dissatisfaction that arises if I feel that I'm falling short of my expectations - which is often due to those very same factors that I can't easily change.

It's not necessary for you to put yourself through the ordeal of going into work on Friday. You know it'll only make you feel worse and you seriously need to start concentrating on the things that make you feel better.

Call a halt now and re-start as you mean to go on... give yourself a break and self-certificate if necessary until you see your doctor next Wednesday.

It may be buying time but it's time you desperately need to regroup and rethink.

Actually, you are a mh medical emergency. Don't be put off by the receptionist, many of us with mh issues have to deal with their limited understanding of what it is like for us. I would insist on an appointment, ask for a double appt, that's what I am always given, as it's not just about pointing to a sore knee or something. If you really can't face doing this, then your original plan, but as Izzy says no need to go in on Friday.

If you aren't careful, you will shoot yourself in the foot, work-wise. Better to have on your CV that you gave up work to care for your son for a while, than to have either that you had a breakdown, or were let go for not being up to scratch.

Have you checked out the monies as Izzy and I have suggested? The CAB would do it for you, however I know they are rather snowed under at the moment, so I don't know how long it would be before you could see them.

Can you not see that giving up your job could be a positive action by you, not, as you seem to think, an admission of defeat?

People who have not had depression, or MH issues, often don't understand it. Getting it - depression etc - is no indication of personal fibre: some people get it, some don't (I've just heard on the radio that 1 in 4 mothers get it eg). I think your husband's comments, however well-meaning, are ignorant of the true nature of depression/distress. It is very common that people who don't suffer in this way urge the sufferer to, in a nutshell, "pull your socks up". It is not possible to "pull your socks up" when you're not well. He could do with some information about the true nature of what you are facing - as could you!

Something(s) significant is not working in your life. You are following deeply-held beliefs, behaviours and attitudes but the reality is, they're - or something - is clearly not working. There is a flaw somewhere: you know that by the fruits. Hence professional support, to carefully pick through the fabric of your life and beliefs and, like an archeologist, work out what is coming from where; what works, what doesn't. It's very ordinary in a way. Therapists have had many years of in-depth training: their job is not something we could all do if we put our minds to it, their expertise not just that they are prepared to sit with you and listen.

I wonder what your reluctance is to seeing a therapist? You say it is 'not easy'. Is that entirely due to a deeply-held belief that one doesn't crash, one carries on, regardless; or is there some other practical reason? (Shame?) If you are worried that therapeutic support will appear on your NHS notes, go privately - find a way. I understand your reluctance/fear/suspicion on the one hand, and I think that a private therapist would be better for you as it would help you to feel more in control of the process.

For those of us who have faced this and worked through it it is incomprehensible to see you suffering terribly yet reluctant to go to the appropriate professional who is trained to alleviate your suffering. It's not as if we're in the 50s: there is an awful lot of support out there now, easy to access. If you had hurt yourself physically and were lying on your bed tortured and in agony, insisting you get up and carry on yet unable to do so effectvely, all the while howling in agony (inwardly if not outwardly), the casual bystander would be astonished to hear you hadn't been to the appropriate medic to address your injuries. What you are facing is no different, regardless what your husband thinks.

Well BIL is over on a visit & staying with MIL....he went out with friends on Friday night & stayed over till today. As predicted, DH has only heard from either of them when they want/need something. But I suppose that it is fair enough that he would want to catch up with friends after a long time away.

What is hard to deal with is the effect on DH....he hasn't been all that well today, I am sure because of the stress. I am reluctant to complain to him about certain members of his family though....don't want to wind him up or provoke a rift. So as usual I am having to bottle things up, hence the vent on here.

I saw a friend over the weekend & was all set to unburden to her....but it turned up she had problems of her own so spent at least as much time discussing these. Somehow it just seemed inappropriate to lay bare just how hard things are.

Mutual unburdening is good - then the friend feels they are helping you in return for you helping them.

Honestly, what are you like?! (meant kindly)

I am back at work but not performing & not functioning...I feel like a fraud.

I am feeling physically ill with stress, can't seem to gather thoughts or willpower together. I have taken up your advice, am on waiting list for counselling etc but am trying to get an urgent appointment to see the doctor & not getting one. I feel they consider me a nuisance now (this may be paranoia talking) but want someone eg GP to be fighting my corner & feel it is just not happening.

I want to resign my job as it is just not what I want to do & it isn't where my skills lie. I am professionally qualified but do not require it for this job though it is in the same general area....don't want to out myself too much but it is akin to a qualified doctor working as a GP receptionist and being expected to feel contented because 'at least you are working in a doctor's surgery'.

I suggested to DH the possibility of giving up my job, having some time out & looking for something I really want to do even for less pay. He reacted with - let's just say - consternation. I know he is worried I would be throwing away a good job & may not get another one for some time, given the economy etc.

I am worried about the same thing....but I have never asked him or anyone for money, if anything it is the other way round. I have some money to keep me for several months, up to a year at least (not because I am rich, just thanks to redundancy money + ferociously saving money for months/years) but can't help feeling insecure & scared about the prospect.

I am apprehensive about making any decisions while I am not well, which I feel I am not. I could either:

Resign immediately;
Ask GP to sign me off sick for some time to give me breathing space to decide;
Have honest chat with my boss & explain my circs, maybe ask for some unpaid time out to decide future.

I am trying to do the right thing by everybody - DS, DH, family, employer & myself - but I feel that I can't think clearly at the moment. I have low self esteem & feel I am so stupid & a failure. I want a happier future & I know what it should look like but can't find a way to get to it.

What waitng list for counselling are you on? Is this a referral for assessment by a psychiatric/pyschological unit made by your GP?

In your post last Weds you've mentioned an appointment with your doctor for today. WIll you be seeing your GP after work or is that you didn't make the appointment because it was in working hours?

As previously advised, there was no need for you to return to work last Friday or to have been in work this week or today and, to that extent, you are maintaining a situation that is deterimental to your mental health and wellbeing.

PLEASE understand once and for all that until you take some of the pressure off yourself, you will continue to go round in circles and be troubled by a sense of failing others - and yourself.

Work has been your most consistent source of stress and angst for some considerable time and, once again, you are best advised to call in scik tomorrow morning and self-certificate until you can get an appointment with your GP at which point you can ask to be signed off work for a longer period.

Seconding izzy

I feel stressed, just reading your posts

Sorry...didn't mean to stress out or wound anyone else.

I am not like this normally, don't think I am usually a self centred person....BUT just reread my last post & every paragraph starts with 'I' - not good.

I just want to sort myself out so I can get on & be effective in dealing with anyone else - be free to forget about myself in a manner of speaking. But you are right of course. I think I will call in tomorrow & sit in the doctor's waiting room if I have to, until someone sees me.

Ha, I have survived . You need to put yourself first, by doing that you are also putting DS and DH first, you really are. Yes, do that at the doctor's, I have had to cry down the phone before now to get an appointment.

you'd better do it, or I (and possibly izzy) will come round and frog-march you there

OK will be at the doctors tomorrow. I know I can't go on like this....have talked (rambled) on about the same things for weeks & must have bored you silly. Sorry for this.

Is it normal to feel guilty/inadequate/a failure? I take on board that'd depression is an illness & that I should no more feel responsible for it than for a physical illness....but with physically illnesses there are symptoms which present proof of illness so I & others know how things stand. Here everything is nebulous & my condition is highly subjective....I KNOW I am not right & everyone has to take that on trust. It is all so subtle...I am even hearing/seeing/smelling things 'wrong'.

Sorry I am thinking aloud again...no need to understand or respond. Do I think too much?

If your own needs get neglected, eventually you will run out of coping mechanisms and that is what has happened.

Life, do camp out at the doctor's until someone sees you, and do describe all your symptoms. You say "I am even hearing/seeing/smelling things 'wrong'." Any doctor who keeps up with the medical press will know that those can often be symptoms of depression.

I am sitting here just paralysed & scared to go to bed again.....I know I am causing DH more stress as he has to worry about me...he already has DS & MIL to worry about and his own health isn't great. I feel that I am letting down everyone around me if I don't go to work tomorrow, and if I throw this job away I face an uncertain future. But I spent much of today's work day staring blankly at my screen, just couldn't focus on any work....I just felt like a fraud with everyone busy around me.

My GP at my last visit asked me to keep a diary....I have failed in this too though parts of this thread reads a bit like one. I can't sustain the effort or discipline though.

Every time I look at my DS (face shining with happiness bless him) I think I am a failure because he can be happy despite everything he has been/is going through, and I can't.

"...parts of this thread reads a bit like one..." Could you find the time to cut and paste your posts, with their dates and times, into a document, print it out and take it to the GP as a form of diary?

Patty - thanks i could do that....don't have a printer though to do this for tomorrow but I could point out this thread for GP to read herself online. There are a couple of passages that are a bit critical of GP & surgery though.....hope she doesn't take umbrage......
I haven't had the support I would have liked but then I haven't been forceful enough about insisting on it so that's my fault too. But the reason I have not insisted forcefully is because I haven't been well & haven't had it in me to be forceful......catch22.