In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Let me guess he 'loves you but isn't in love with you' ??

He has dropped a bombshell but he will have no intention of coming back and helping clear up the debris

If you can talk to him in a business like way about bills etc but try not to show he has hurt you and that you still want him

sorry you are going through this x

Oh dear, its so hard switching off your feelings after 15 years.

The reality is that this man is NOT the man you fell in love with, he has checked out of your relationship and is in a new one Begging and telling him you love him will not work - it will only boost his ego. This man has used your expertise to build up his business and then dumped you - he is NOT your friend.

Be kind to yourself as you will still be in shock for a while - do things like go for nice walks, visit cafes/places of interest, have your hair cut, meet friends/family etc as these will help your self esteem and make you stronger.

You are being weak because you are weak, he's left you in a weak position. You want someone to come and make it alright, look after you, protect you. That's the job of our partners most of the time so you're looking to him, even though he is the one who is causing you pain and hurting you. He cannot be that person. But it feels like he's all you have. You don't, you have others, and you will have others.

Listen to what he's saying. Firstly he's saying he met this woman a couple of months ago and there has been no sexual contact. That's bollocks. It's at least eight months ago I'd say from what you've described and men DO NOT LEAVE for women they've had no sexual contact with. He is lying to you.

He is also saying that he sees no future for you. I'm sorry, OP, I really am, but listen to that. He sees no future for you. That is not going to get better. Of course you want affection from him, you've made him into your everything, parent, friend, boss, colleague. But this was unhealthy and you know it.

He does not see a future with you. He has said he does not love you. He has saii he does not find you attractive. He has cheated on you and lied to you about it. You have to have this sink in over the next little while. You do not want this guy back because he does not feel about you how someone should feel about you. And because he will definitely cheat on you again.

You love him because you don't know what else to do. It's such a shock. He does know what he wants. He's told you. He does not see a future with you. He does not love you. He has met someone else. He is the villain here, he is the one who has failed, failed at a relationship, failed at fidelity, failed at telling you the truth. When he hears that you still love him and want to try again he hears, 'hmm, I have two options, two women who love me and want to be with me. Phew. I can spend my time trying to work out what I want.'

FUCK what he wants. Are you listening? FUCK what he wants. He has done what he wants at every single stage of this, from meeting her to not telling you about it, to lying, to taking your money, to overpowering your life so you've lost your friends and a sense of independence so he is the centre of everything, to two-timing you, to lying to you about it, to leaving without explaining and then going straight to the house of the woman he's been cheating with. He has done EVERYTHING he wants. And now, having destroyed and hurt and lied he is going to take more time to work out what he wants between these two damaged, vulnerable women.

FUCK what he wants. you don't even know what you want yet. You're not even close. You can't even be close to feeling the truth. All you are doing now is searching for someone to love you and tell you everything will be okay. He is the one not making it okay. he is the one not loving you. He is the cause of your distress, not the cure. Don't see him. Or if you do, please bear this in mind. He cannot save you or protect you from himself.

You need to stop contacting him for a bit until you can get a hold of your emotions.

Is it possible to meet in a neutral place and take a friend for support when you do have to discuss issues?

You are not going to achieve anything taking your current course of action except degrading yourself. Your sense of self-respect will return and you will feel better if you withdraw and come to terms with this privately. By privately I mean not including him.

How did the advice go?

Vander, i know what you are saying is true but i'm finding hard to accept that he has just upped and left............

I do want him to come and make it better, i want him to hold me and tell me that everything will be alright desperately........

I want it to go back to when we where happy, yes i made him everything and now i'm paying the price.

When he told me he didn't love me it was like a knife in the heart........and i dont feel like i can go on............a big problem for me is that i have no friends that i can call or meet up with no one i can lean on- i'm on my own. As i said in previous posts i have a brother that i'm not close to i feel ashamed to call him :(

Sometimes during these times people seek others out and as a result they become a good friend. Do you have some nice neighbours or ex work colleagues?

Can you bear to txt him and say you've changed your mind about meeting him tonight as you're going out instead and need time to be with a friend?

It will serve 2 purposes....one to get you out of meeting him and begging him to stay and two it will make him see that you are not at hs beck and call.

Really. If you make yourself available he will KNOW that he can come and go if he wants...he will KNOW that he has time to decide who to be with.

Take that power away....surprise him by being stronger than him. You are anyway.

HE KNOWS EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS.

These men (women too) always do.

He wants to do what he wants to do - he just does not want to feel guilty about it. Eventually the fact that you make him feel guilty will make him angry with you.

Please don't feel ashamed. People are far far kinder in this type of situation than you could imagine. I know - I was there too.

Oh darling you poor thing, of course you feel that way of course you do. There's a disconnect between mind and body in trauma. You're going to have to give yourself a bit of time to catch up. One day you will need to get angry but now you just feel alone. You will need to find a way to get that comfort from somewhere else, because even if he does give it to you a bit out of genuine feelings, he will take it away again. I promise. And that will keep hurting, over and over.

you should not be ashamed to call your brother. Do you believe he cares about you? If so, people will be surprisingly kind in these situations. It's okay to be vulnerable. It's not your fault, none of it. What sort of place do you live in? Is there anyone you know or have any sort of social contact with?

He is saying he doesn't love you because he is building his own narrative of how things are going to be from now on. Of course he has loved you and loves you in lots of ways. But he's had months and months to prepare emotionally and mentally for this. You have had 24 hours.

You don't need to be strong and you can do whatever you like. But he is not a rock for you anymore, he is and will continue to be a source of great pain. That;s a huge turnaround to adjust to. you need to start building a life again, getting touch with your brother, old friends, even if it's just online on facebook or email first. This can be a slow process. is there anyone you can think of going to stay with at all? Seriously, people love to help others in times of need. It's a boost to them.

you are not paying the price for something you have done, it is something he has done. And you are just learning a lesson that will guide you really well in years to come when you have your group of friends back, when you are dating someone exciting and new and when you can decorate your house or flat however you want and dress how you want and go out when you want and have a life that is not built around him.

This is going to take time to get over, Be kind to yourself. If you want to know the truth from him just say 'You're lying to me' over and over when you think he is. he knows he is. Don't let him make you feel crazy. You will almost certainly be right.

You are in shock and your body and mind are trying to cope with a huge loss. It's dreadful. But trust me, this man will not come back for good. The horrible gaping wounds you feel all over you now will have to heal and heal cleanly with you alone. He will keep opening them up and when you are ready, you will need to step away. Because he will just take as much as he can and confuse you both until he realises what he has already said which is that he is leaving. Hug your dog and buy yourself something beautiful. We are all here holding your hand, lots of people have been through this and all of them are happy and better off down the road. We'll be here when you're ready.

There is only one reason why he will come back to you, and that's if the OW decides she doesn't want him and he suddenly panics at the thought of his lonely old age. In the meantime reach out to people around you, your neighbours, the people you meet throughout the day, and be prepared to be surprised at just how lovely people can be.

Build a picture of a strong you, happy and healthy and enjoying life to the full, and go out and pursue that mental goal.

But don't be afraid of collapsing in a heap every now and then. You are grieving for a life you thought existed, only to find out that it was a house of cards. This man does not love you, he is thinking only of himself.

Please don't be one of those women that comes back on Mumsnet in 6 months time and says "I know I didn't listen to you and I should have because it's happened again".

Be strong, because you are giving me hope. I am living in fear of having the same scene. My head is firmly up my own a*se. I am not blind, but am holding my breath. This isn't a life. ye you are giving me strength. Good luck and don't fear you have joined a new group of friends.

Mindy6 it is much better when you actually KNOW that your gut feeling has been right. I spent last year dreading what was going on (it was repeatedly denied that he had an OW) and making myself quite ill in the process. Once you have it confirmed then you can start to move on by yourself and I am much happier 10 weeks after the discovery date.

OP .. you said you felt things weren't right .. so you may also feel a sense of relief that at least you know why he behaved as he did .. and you can start looking out for yourself instead of worrying about what is wrong with him x

Startingagain, two words:

Cold turkey.

Get him out of your system. Peel off the plaster quickly. Do not prolong the misery for yourself. Don't meet him. Don't flagellate yourself.

It may seem harder to keep him away than to cling to your hopes and the remains of your old life, but he is not your friend and you cannot rely upon him as if he was, to provide you with any sort of help or support.

All you can expect from him is another knife to the heart. Don't let him do that to you.

Cocoon yourself as best you can and turn off your phone after you text him to tell him you have other plans tonight.

Hi Startingagain, good advice on here, especially from Vander. We won't judge you for wanting him back, we just have been (or at least I have) where you are now, and know that right now you're at your lowest ebb; you need time and as much as it takes, before you can deal with this.

I can't stop you from seeing him, but I can advise you not to; because like Math says, you must just rip that plaster off.

In a few days, anger will kick in, and then you can use that effectively, to take tiny steps to build a new, much better future.

Please, don't see him - it will just make a sad situation a hell of a lot more painful.

Accepting that a man no longer loves you is a huge thing to do, it took me ages to do this, but gradually I started to turn my life around, after 22 years and 4 teenage kids. We are ok, not brilliant, but ok. It does get better. After my ex told me that he no longer loved me, I tried like hell to become a different woman. It was a waste of time and make-up - because he'd found a different woman.

THIS ISN'T YOU - IT'S HIM.

Remember, we can't control what they feel or think or do. But we can control ourselves. So please, look after yourself, be your own best friend. And don't see him.

Thank you so much ladies you are are keeping me going in this first 24 hours......... he has texted me to say he will be over in 30mins i texted back not to come but he hasnt replied .........how do i deal with it if he gets here im afraid that i will breakdown..........in fact the way i am feeling now i know i will :(

Well done.

Lock the door, close the curtains, turn off the lights. Maybe take the dog out for a nice long walk? Getting out in the fresh air and stretching your legs might be a good thing for you too.

Call your brother and tell him, I suspect your brother will not be very surprised, he may even tell you he never really liked your DH. You'd be surprised.

The fact that your DH made you drop your friends when you moved in with him suggests to me he is controlling, so your brother may well have picked up on this. Men know about men in that way.

Don't struggle on alone, you being isolated is what your DH has wanted and continues to play on.

And you don't want him back, you want the man back that you thought you had been living with, but he has gone because he was only ever in your head.

Talk to your brother and anyone else who knew your DH, they might help.

Lock up the house and take a drive out.

He has to see that when you say something you mean it and he is not in control.

hi Starting, he probably will come but if he doesn't that's a good thing.

You will break down and that's because he's caused you so much pain and you're frightened and upset and lonely. It's his fault.

You will have to get to point where you realise that seeing him doesn't help and in fact makes it worse. But it's early days.

Just know that he will lie to you and please also know that he will leave. It is better for him not to come than to come and leave.

The best thing is for you to be cold and firm but you're in no state for that probably . Let him see you in pain if that is what you feel. But it's not love really you feel exactly, it's that this man made himself indispensable to you by cutting out the rest of your life and your strength and then left for someone else and lied about it. Your confidence has been undermined for months, maybe years. That's shitty.

You can do better, Starting, I promise. He's lying about when and how much with her. You can't help each other through this as he is the one destroying you. You need to emotionally detach. That will come in time, but the sooner the better.

Think what it is you need to know and ask him that. Tell him repeatedly he is lying when he lies. Trust yourself not him. If he gets angry or tries to blackmail you or threatens to leave, realise that is his way of carrying on lying and trying to control what you're allowed to ask.

We are here for you.

Start doing something now in case he doesn't come. Cleaning something, researching something, cooking something, anything that is yours and you can get lost in it. If you sit there all evening being terrified he's just ruining your every moment more. Think very hard about why it is you want to see him then think about how likely it is that your want will be fulfilled. I suspect soon you will have realise that seeing him is not the key to what you need. Take care.

tbh, i'd have my freak out now, get it out of my system. you might need to call him all the names under the sun right now, today.

just today. when he goes, tomorrow, you do not beg, or text or anything.

i know it can be good to not let them know they have hurt you, but expressing your pain isn't shameful or giving him anything really.

he's already got the shittiest opinion of you by doing this to you really.

Why did you give up your friends?

So sorry this it happening to you. What a weasel!

It's only the fact that you were with him for 15 years that makes it unlikely he's a con man, they don't usually play the game for that long. Mind you, if in the course of those 15 years he was absent and hard to contact for substantial chunks of time then he might well have been conning other women as well.

It's not unheard of for people, particularly men, to claim to love women in order to steal their money, which is what I thought of on reading your first post ie that you had given up your job in order to support this man's business, and put a lot of money into it.

He did come....... I'm feeling so shit at the moment i let him in........... he says that he has kissed the OW and that's it i said i don't believe him.......

He said he needs space to decide whether he wants to be with me and whether he still loves me - I'm ashamed to say that i told him i still love him and want to make it work- i told him i'm frightened and i don't know what to do......

He said that i was putting to much pressure on him and we were arguing too much (yeah since he took up with the OW) he said he was dreading coming home and was meeting her for a drink after work................

I have a leak in the roof at the moment and he says he will come by tomorrow to fix it....i know what he is doing his testing out his new life and keeping me dangling so he can come back if it doesn't work out why then if i know this do i allow him to do this to me........... :(

"i know what he is doing his testing out his new life and keeping me dangling so he can come back if it doesn't work out why then if i know this do i allow him to do this to me."

You are spot on, this is exactly what he is doing.

So he has now admitted kissing her. It will come out in dribs and rabs but as he is staying with her I think it's safe to say they're not having a chaste innocent relationship. . You know deep down how long it's been going on for, and it sounds like it's all sinking in.

Can you be out tomorrow when he comes to repair the roof, or have someone else there with you for support so you don't crumble?

Don't feel bad that you're upset and wobbly, he's had 8 months to mull this over, you've had less than 24 hours!