In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Hi starting - sorry you are going through this

Listen to Vander. HIS actions have caused this - not yours .. If you can be strong and make it clear that you are not putting up with any of his nonsense it will be for the best for you.

Push him away and let him see that he has lost you by having his affair. He may want to come back .. but then do you really want someone who doesn't love or respect you? xx

You are in shock.

No one will hate you for anything you feel or decide, you are absolutely entitled to your feelings. And of course you can't stop loving him (or thinking you do) all of a sudden. You can't hurry your feelings, you need time and space.

There is some really kind and useful advice on here. Much of it won't sink in yet, you have a lot of processing to do.

Just let the feelings come... as painful as it is, it is the most efficient way through this toxic mess.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I also agree with the others who promise you that a day will come when you can look back on this and see how much better things are for you. xx

Starting you can still think you love someone (even if its mainly the habit of an old relationship petering out), but protect yourself at the same time. I agree with so many of the posters, but especially seeing a solicitor to clarify and protect your legal and financial position.

p.s. interesting he didn't say, well its over, i'm sorry but I am going to pay you back all your investment of time and money into my business last 8 months ...

Of course you still love him, getting over someone even when they are awful to you takes time, that's why so many women stay with men they really shouldn't on the relationship threads.
Now if practical action helps: find all the financial information you can and get copies, that includes of his business. Are you a director of the business? Also find all insurance, mortgage etc. Documents, also contact your mortgage provider.
Try not to see him until you have seen a solicitor. If you can't get to see one, at least get to CAB.
You could even try to get back in contact with old friends.
Finally look after yourself, try to eat, and get some exercise.

Hi Starting I feel for you so much....this happened to me when I was in my early thirties. A man I thought I was going to marry...he went SO cold on me and there was indeed another woman...some young daft girl who not long after ths man had left me, dumped him like a tonne of crap!

He actually came back trying to get me back two months after he had left...and by that time...such a short time, I was totally over him.

When he dumped me, I was beside myself...thought my life was over and that I would never meet another man who I could be intimate with...I used to look at other men and think "I couldn't be with him...or him...or him!"

But my sister said, you'll get over him in 2 weeks...and do you know what, she was kin of right because after 2 weeks when the shock had worn off and I was eating again, I suddenly DID get over him....the hurt didnt just go away but the depression and scaredness did.

And I did meet another man...and got married and had DC. And so will you. You have had a very lucky escape...this hurtful man is best gone...you don't want a man like that to be the Father of your children.

Remember that he is in the middle of a passion....which will likely burn out once it's no longer clandestine....and by the time that happens you will bee in a new life. xxx

Also, please don't think of it as 15 wasted years. That's your life. You have lived those years in good faith, being a good person. Don't let him take that from you.

I know that right now it must feel utterly dreadful and you will have these very dark feelings but you have not wasted anything, and infact, when you are through this shock and trauma - which you will be, trust me on this - you are perfectly within your rights to look back with pride on the love and life you had, and to look forwards with hope at the new life you will enjoy and the new love you will give and receive.

Hi - starting - my heart goes out to you but you will get over this - it will take a while but you will be happy again and better off without him. I caught my ExH having an affair with the village trollop at Xmas 2010. I actually woke up on Xmas morning and realised that the man that i had been married to for 11 years and had a lovely DD with was playing away- i was devastated but bided my time until i had real evidence and then i threw him out on 28/12/10. 15 months on we are divorced and to be honest i am happier now in myself than i have been for a long time - he looks as miserable as sin, is moody and clearly unhappy and allegededly has been cheated on by the trollop already. Their relationship is clearly not made in heaven and i feel that i am liberated from being married to a miserable 15 stone moody git - you deserve better.

It is good that you weren't married and that things are in your name - it is the same for me but my ex is trying for over half the equity from my house, part of my pension etc. SO go see a solicitor asap- change the locks - you can do this as the house is in your name and make sure that you take copies of any financial information that proves your investments in his business. If my ex is anything to go by - he wont play fair and will become motivated by the money.

I would stake my pension - if i have any left - that they have had a sexual realationship - and that he will come out with all sorts of information to the contrary - he chose to have this affair - it is not your fault and in time you will see this. Mumsnet was agreat help to me - i was advised to get a book from one of the wise women on here and it helped me come to terms with what happened - i will gladly send it to you if you PM me your address.

Keep your chin up - use Mumsnet- there are loads of wise women on here at any time of the day or night.

Keep the dog. Remember that this man is not your friend. He is going to be thinking of his own desires and expect you to comply; prioritise what you need. Do see a solicitor so that you know what the position is, when you speak to the man tell him that you are busy today and will let him know when you can meet him to discuss your separation - be very calm and businesslike about it. If he starts crying and bleating, remind him that the relationship is over and that you will be in touch.
A lot of men who do this want to juggle the longterm partner and the new one and set them up in competition. because this makes them feel powerful and ensures that all their needs are met - one woman asserts herself or asks him for something? He runs off to the other one or threatens to.

Don't change the locks though. That's not a good idea when the departing man has been unfaithful rather than violent, because without a court order it is illegal to lock him out of the shared home (though in cases of violence it is something the police will turn a blind eye to while the court orders to keep a violent man out are being put into place.)

Ah, didn't realise that the house was in your name only. In that case you can change the locks.

Starting, I feel for you - this is significant loss and the shock is understandable but please don't feel as if you failed. This is about him and not you - he will try to make the relationship failure your fault which is why listening to him at this time will only damage your self esteem but I also know you need answers. When he talks, try to have a filter on so that you get the answers you want rather than take in the 'blaming' parts.

Please do consider telling your brother, even if you are not close you maybe surprised at his supportive reaction. I would also suggest you book counselling sessions, prioritise getting support for YOU, talking to someone in the next few weeks could be really positive. I was about your age when my first relationship ended, I recall that it felt like a bereavement but I did get back on my feet again and life is much much better. So will you - you are still young and have the opportunity for a great life.

PS you sound like a great woman, loving and smart..it's his loss.

I agree with everyone here who has said not to meet him. I would be tempted to call the locksmith and have the locks changed today, and not leave the house until it was done. I wouldn't want any of my possessions or shared items or important documents going missing.

I can't add anything to the brilliant advice you've already been given, but just wanted you to know there's yet another mumsnetter wishing the best for you, and that knows you're strong enough to make it out of this happier than you were before.
You sound brilliant, don't let him steal that away from you.

As you were never married and house is in your name then that makes things slightly more straightforward.

If you are up to it I'd do some digging. Phone bills, emails, banks statements, etc. You are in shock and full of conflicting emotions, it's only natural! I think when you realise how much he has been lying and how long for you will begin to feel angry.

Don't meet him today, it's too raw. Take care. x

Starting - i also kept the dog which to be honest the dog was more his than mine as she used to go to work with him - my reasoning was that he never asked for her - and it would have been far too traumatic for our DD to lose the dog and only see her a couple of times a week- i have to say that i love the dog to bits and she is really happy and contented and it must stick in his craw when he brings our DD back and the dog virtually ignores him and makes a huge fuss of DD. She- as in the dog is also great company and forces you to get out of the house on those days when you feel like staying in bed- i now have dog walkers to help so it is all manageable.

Talk to your brother- i also thought that i had few friends locally as we had moved from another part of the country and my parents live 3 hours ago and are elderly and not in good health and I was staggered by how supportive people were - and 14 months on i have a much better social life than i had with him and loads more friends locally.

Only see him when you want to and on your terms- you sound lovely too and you deserve much much better.

Only just seen this thread. You have had so much good advice already from everyone, I have nothing to add really. Don't beg him love, stay away until you are stronger. No man is worth demeaning yourself for, especially a bastard like this one. x

Btw the reason I think you should change the locks as soon as possible is that he probably knows that since his name isn't on the deeds of the house he won't be getting anything from it, and that might make the prospect of taking all the expensive items and emptying the place more tempting. Never understimate what utter bastard things people will do even when they're the ones who have cheated and lied and betrayed. He might see himself as being entitled to take what he likes.

You can give him a date and a time to pick all of his things up or arrange his things to be moved out or something like that.

Hi Starting. So sorry for what you are going through. I would not meet him today. I'd take another day (at least)to get yourself together, think about what you want and what you want to know, perhaps time to get some legal advice. I'm not saying make any decisions or anything like that but make sure that you are in a position when you speak to him that you know what your options are and what you and he can and cannot do.

Don't beg him to come back. even if that is what you want right now it is unnattractive and in time you wont want him back at any cost. If you do want him back, you will want him back and be able to forgive him only under specific terms (like absolute honesty etc) and you need to be in a position of knowing what your terms are - you are too scared and in shock at the moment to be able to process those. Start acting like you are moving on without him because if the worst happens (ie you decide that you do not want him back or he decides he does not want to come back) at least you have made a start at moving on without him -- kind of fake it til you make it.

Don't be scared of being alone. I met my exH at 18 and we split after 12 years when I was 30. Like you it was parents than exH and I was very scared of being alone. But I was fine living alone, loved it in may ways, and more than capable of coping with everything that I needed to.

HI Starting, I hope you're okay. You may well be feeling worse today as the reality sinks in and you wake to the memories flooding back. Don't worry, this passes, I promise.

My advice is don't meet but if you do, don't feel worried about coming back here and talking about it if you want. No one will judge you. The most important thing is to not be drawn into HIS TRUTH. It will be a lie, designed to paint him in the best light possible and you need to start reclaiming yourself and your life. You know you've lost friends and work and a sense of self these last few years and he is the major reason why. That stops now. If you hear anything he has to say you hear it with the ears of someone judging him independent, sceptical, wise. Remember, HE WILL LIE. All infidelitors do. So anything that doesn't sit right or add up is yours to take away and doubt or to to challenge him on.

Breathe deeply, this week will not be a reflection of what is to come, it will be hard. But you have a strength deep inside that is untouched by him and this relationship, it is yours and it is you. Focus on that.

If the situation is that the house is yours (I knew you had a strong self inside, good for you!) and this man has left you (to go straight round to another woman's! And lied to you about that!) then there is no reason at all you should not change the locks. Everyone deserves to feel safe and secure in their own home and if he can turn up pissed at four in the morning to make a point or take some stuff that does not help your mental well being.
He needs to start feeling the consequences of his actions. That it is not all about him. That you are forced to start thinking about another separate, future life. The support you are getting on here is pretty objective, NOTHING he says to you is. So be wary of his opinions on the matter.

thinking of you and be strong today. Today should be all about you. And talk to someone who cares for you. you'd be surprised how much people love to help others. It makes us feel better about ourselves.

I'd go for changing the locks, too. That way, he can't come round and help himself to stuff while you aren't there.

Also, is there any chance that you could go back to your previous job? Or, if not that, the same place? Or would your previous boss have any contacts you could make use of to get work somewhere else similar?

If you want information then seeing him when you have had some space and adopting a surprising approach may get you what you want.

A very cool head is required. You could point out that for you the relationship has been in decline for sometime and tell him all in all you think it is for the best he has moved on.

Tell him there is no need for lies as you do not need protecting as you have been unhappy for a long while. Also let him know it is a relief it is over and there are no hard feelings.
Leave that comment hanging there.

Watch him reel.

Let him know you have changed the locks and that you would like the money back you invested in his business as you want to cut ties with him.

Then get yourself tested for STDs because he has proved himself untrustworthy.

Then come on VENT.

Come on here and VENT.

GRRR.

Saffys made a good point. Why should you just run to see him. Start taking control, tell him your busy, act cool with him. Make him see what he has lost.
There s no point in begging him. He has made his choice if he did come back it would only be because he felt sorry for you. Do you want that? Or somebody who genuinely loves you? I think you deserve someone who loves you, your too good for him.

You will still love him right now because you have spent a lot of years together but don't let him treat you like a doormat.
Like someone else said if you really want him to see what he has lost you need to push him away. But then would you want him back if he did see this?

By the way he doesnt deserve your kindness. The dog is mst defiantley yours. It sounds like he or she is very attached to you. Why give the poor dog up to him and the ow. He's selfish your far more caring and loving to bring up the dog.

So sorry. Stupid selfish man

Chin up! And keep reading. People here will give good advice.

Firstly, dont believe that crap about nothing sexual. What an idiot! There has been an affair and certainly a sexual one and now he cant keep his palms off his mistress he has decided he has to dump you. Reality is he is gone, so start planning for your life without him. Fuck him anyway, what a selfish prick. He has used you and your money. Start a new life, you deserve someone much better and soon you will find someone else.

Thank you all so much for you advice and love..........its the only thing thats keeping me going at the moment.......update- he texted me around 9.00- ru ok? thats it! I called him to say that i didnt think he should come round today as i needed some time to think...we had a quick chat where he tells me that his met this woman in December they have just been friends - ie no sexual contact - i dont believe this and i told him so.....

He tells me that we are like brother and sister and he doesnt see a future for us but he cares for me deeply- he doesnt know what to do.......we agreed that he would come on Wednesday instead....however.........

Popped out to CAB this morning and i didnt want to come home the house is empty ........i went into our garage with the dog and he began whining as if he was wondering where DP is - i buckled and started to weep uncontrollably .....you can guess what happened next

I called him and said you have dropped a bombshell on me and just walked out what am i supposed to do? we have outstanding bills and day to day things that need to be sorted and......... i still love you cant we work it out (i know, i know), he said he doesnt know what he wants... he will pop round tonight why am i being so weak????