In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Do you best to get some sleep - it might be fitful but anything is better than nothing.

Come back whenever you want - many of those living in the Southern Hemisphere are around during our unearthly hours...

Try and get a bit of sleep if you can.

Hi 88

So sorry to hear this. I went throught the same, twice. I say "twice" as the first time I forgave my DH (he was sleeping with the 19 YO daughter of a neighbour whilst I was having a miscarriage-oh yes..the actual truth was very blurred by him) and I was in a foreign country with no one and only in my early 20's and didnt know what to do. I felt so ashamed as we had just had a massive expensive wedding.

Oh and he cried and asked me to forgive him.

Oh and guess what?..lepoards and spots..he didnt change..

The second time, like you, I got "I dont love you..not sure what I want, stressed at work..ect"

I let it drag on and then became SO angry. Like you, no kids.

Absolutely right about the truth too from the other posters- the truth the second time was that he had been shagging his nuts off - with the wife of a friend.

This was over ten years ago. But it took until 2006 for me to do something and we had been married 15 years by then. It was exactly as Vander said. Why I stayed, coped, got on with it.

The one thing I regret is staying, staying and leting him hurt me, letting him get what he wanted. I could cry for the frightened girl I was and for wasting 15 years.

I promise you, it will get better and the hurt and confusion and the need will be replaced by anger, positive anger which will make you so powerful and determined to see this through and get out. I can only say to you from my experience that if you let this ride he will do it again and again and leave you with zero self respect and confidence. Dont be surprized if he tries to fight you leaving him.

And life WILL get exciting and wonderful. All the better for surviving this and being strong.

Stay calm and cool. Get to a lawyer when you are ready.

Very good advice and I don't have a lot to add to it except that please dont waste too much time being sad over this man. Enjoy your life - you are still young enough to have children so at least he hasn't taken away that opportunity.

I really just don't want you to spend more time being sad on this man.

Living together really benefits a man more than a woman. Unfortunately it's still a mans world. If you want marriage and children - Next time - before you commit anything your body your time your emotions make sure you have what you want before - eg engagement marriage whatever is commitment for you.
Do things the old fashioned way like our great grandmothers did.

Anyway a bit of poetry from Shakespeare for you:
"Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never;
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey, nonny, nonny."

Got about two hours sleep last time on the sofa- with my dog for company ...............still in shock havent cried much since it happened.

Thinking about seeing whether i can see a solictor today re house debts etc....and what about my lovely dog he loves him too- how can i keep him?

He was loyal to me last night and snuggled up next to me ot was only then i could sleep......... :)

Keep what belongs to you. Don't give him anything.

The dog is yours, the house is yours, the money you've put into the business is yours.

Giving him your possessions won't bring him back, won't make him love or respect you. It will however weaken your own position when you need to be strengthened.

Very sorry he's done this to you, it' must be a devastating shock. If it's your house though you can give him back his belongings and tell him to get out. If he won't go, call the police. It's your house, you're not married, in this situation he has no rights.

Thank you Taxi - i suppose i took it for granted that we would always be together- i caught him with another woman quite soon into our relationship he said it was just a drunken kiss etc i was young and had not long lost my mum- i believed him and took i back, as i was really low at the time.....

That was over 13 yrs ago i haven't picked up on anything else since until recently....................he upped and left hasn't called me texted me nothing..im not sure why im expecting him too- he is with her....this is too much i'm still numb.............

Thank you PG, we did plan on getting married at some point and we were engaged but life work took over and it didnt happen- we had made changes to our life recently so we could get married/ have children- i was going to be a SAHM .................thats what i dont understand.....

We started the new business about 8 months ago the same time he says he stopped loving me........and i made sacrifices for him gave up my job etc to help him build the business- did he know he was going to leave all along.?Did he want to hurt me as much as he could financially!????why did he let me give up my job if he knew he was going to leave? i'm in a mess

Nyac- I want to protect my assets as both my parents has passed away and i havent got anyone i 'can fall back on......'

I'm going to see if i can make appointment to see the solictor before he comes this afternoon- im still debating whether i should talk to him at all but i need to understand this..........

Its still not sinking in im afraid -how can someone that you have spend 15 years with supported loved etc- just say i dont love you anymore and leave within the hour....i dont get it - how can he be so cruel? I feel like i dint know him at all

I am with SGB on this, get some legal advice and get your money back

I need some advice on how to deal with this if i meet him today- im quite a calm person but i can see myself getting really upset.........

I saw a distinct change in him after xmas very little affection, spending more time in the garage away from me etc and in the last four weeks it has been dreadful he has been moody distant causing rows over the smallest of things.

Thats when i started reading the posts here - i think i knew that something was coming and i was trying to prepare myself- but it is still no less of a shock....... :(

I think you are wise to want to see a solcitor before you speak to him. You need to find out your rights. I know it may seem easier at times to just let him walk away with what you've put into the business but the why the hell should you!?!

When you see him if I were you I'd refuse to discuss finances and assets, be a broken record of "I'm sorry but I can't discuss that yet".

You will find out piece by piece over some time about the affair, the gits all seem to do the exact same thing .

I'm glad to hear you have a dog, there is no kinder, more loyal companion. Try to think of anyone in RL you could reach out to, even if you are not especially close it is still helpful if you meet someone for a drink and a chat - if anyone asked me to in these circumstances I'd be happy to help them. Anyone from your old job, a nice neighbour, etc?

Thank you bored-I could call my brother but I'm not that close to him- but i know he would help me if i needed him.......

I know this sounds silly but i feel so ashamed like a failure because of what has happened and i dont want to tell him about it yet..........

You have nothing to be ashamed off, but for the love of God woman get some legal advice BEFORE you meet with him, bag up his stuff, change the locks and safeguard yourself and your money

Rabid- I'm going to try to get to the solicitors this morning......no answer at the moment........

Firstly, have a very big hug, it's a shit situation you're in. Vanders has written some excellent advice, (Vanders - you should write a book!).

I agree that you shouldn't meet him today - it's all too raw. You need to take a day to yourself, see about solicitors, and check the bank accounts too. If you have any joint accounts get them put on hold straight away, in fact phone up the bank now and do it if you can, or if the bank won't, transfer half the money into your own account.

And please try not to worry about the future. I split up with my ex when I was 32, so only 3 years younger than you are now. I knew when I left him that I was leaving everything, all my social life was with him, all our friends. I'm not going to pretend it wasn't scary, but it did all turn out okay. I found new friends and a fantastic husband who is the father of my daughter. Life is now brilliant. Yes, I sometimes get pissed off with myself for wasting so many years on someone who wasn't worth it, but we all make mistakes.

Be gentle on yourself.

So sorry

Vander has given lots of great advice.

If I were you I would stuff all his things in bin bags and leave them by the door. Get him to return the keys - its YOUR house, YOUR special space not his.

Be in control - you meet him WHEN you are ready and do not meet him at the house, a neutral place is best.

See a solicitor for legal advice and do NOT tell him what you are doing/planning.

He has been planning this for ages so be prepared for him to turn nasty when he realises he is no longer in control.

Tell people in real life - your brother, friends, neighbours etc. You will need their support and you need to rebuild your life anyway.

Be strong - do NOT beg and remember none of this is YOUR fault, your DP made the choice to have an affair and leave instead of investing in the relationship.

Oh yes, I would do some digging around - finances, statements, emails etc to see if you can find out more.

Starting I am so sorry this is happening to you. My advice may seem a bit harsh but I am a practical person.

You still appear to be functioning through the shock. Now is the time to sort as many practicalities as you can. Put off seeing him and deal with the financial and legal stuff. Only when that is sorted should you let him in. The chances are you will breakdown, you would be odd if you didn't. He won't as he holds the cards and he can't have that advantage over you when dealing with finances.

Agree with the others starting, absolutely don't see him now. Text him and tell him you'll be in touch with him in a week, then use that time to see a solicitor, see where you are financially and what you can do about getting your money back. Also of course, you need to start looking for a job.

It's a lot to take in but if you look back, all the signs were there. It doesn't matter who the other woman is, it makes no difference to your situation. The worst thing you could now is show him how badly you're affected or beg him to come back. Just pack all his stuff up and in a week's time, tell him to come and pick it up. And change the locks too, he decided to move on, it's not his house any more....

Hi Starting - have just read all this thread, and really feel for you - I know how you feel right now, that numb, scared feeling.

I'm nearly a year down the line, following the breakup of a 22 yr marriage to a man 'who didn't love me anymore' and blamed everything on me. He was having an affair, of course he was, but he never admitted it, even though I begged him to. You feel helpless and hopeless and totally floored.

Here's what helped me:

Take back control - this seems impossible, but actually it is very easy. See a solicitor (I see you hope to today), asap, but if you can't, go to your local CAB office, just turn up and someone will see you. They will also be able to suggest good solicitors in your area - many do a free first hour session.

DO NOT (sorry for shouting, but I really mean this) SEE HIM.

Just don't. He will come out with a load of crap, which he has had time to prepare, you are feeling at your lowest - it will achieve nothing.

What I did, as well as rely on MN alot, for which I'm forever grateful, was go NO CONTACT. This is bloody hard, but actually got me through. You get some control back, you get breathing space, and you get time to go through all the array of emotions - it's a rollercoaster - but the anger will kick in soon, and believe me, again is good! Channel it into practical stuff.

He won't like it when you take control, he has conveniently made you out to be the nagging other half, moany and needy. When he sees that you're a strong independent woman, who can (and you can) cope on your own, he'll flounder. Let him. Let him stew in his juices.

Be strong, be kind to yourself, but please, don't contact him or see him. You owe him nothing, you owe yourself everything.

Be your own best friend, and lean on us. So many of us have been where you are, and got out the other side. We'll help you.

Thank you all so much- i kept the house and my savings (most of my money) in my name as we weren't married- i think this means its should be safe- i am still going to speak to a solicitor though.

You guys are going to hate me for saying this - but i still love him and miss him dreadfully- at the moment i cant see my life going forward without him.........