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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
crazynell · 21/03/2012 23:13

All quiet here......is this a good sign....or a bad sign.....?

tb · 22/03/2012 00:33

Just to say that I think that you are doing really well.

About the recent designs that you did for his business - how about invoicing him for them? At the going rate, of course, no discounts.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 09:48

Morning All,

Starting to sleep at bit better now six/seven hours a night....i have a lot to catch up on....still not really eating though bowl of soup for dinner mainly and thats it.....and im still on the sofa hoping to try to get into bed tonight!

EXDP collected more stuff yesterday as agreed...hes going to come and get the rest of his tools etc on Friday.

We had a quick chat...where he apologised for rewriting our history...saying we always fought, were like brother and sister....he said that was wrong....he also said that he wouldn't change our time together....he shed some tears....

BUT then he goes on to say that he is not living with the OW full time, its not that serious etc.....which is a lie...I said to him i wish you would be man enough to just tell the truth! He calls me about an hour after he left to say can we make it a bit earlier on Friday....hes in the pub AGAIN its 16.00....... !

After he left....i actually felt ok....i didn't cry or feel sad....i just got on with things..........later in the evening i was thinking about how i need to make new friends etc build my social circle and that is more frightening to me at the moment than anything else....

Im getting all my finances in order trying to get some stuff sorted in the house...next week im going to step up looking for work.............

Things are going ok at the moment

OP posts:
Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 09:50

Oh and the sun is shining today :) : ) :)

OP posts:
LiarsWife · 22/03/2012 09:56

That all sounds nice and positive Starting Have a nice day in the sun.. It's sunny here in Glasgow too :)

TheNorthWitch · 22/03/2012 10:17

Mmmmm sounds like he might be trying to 'hoover' you (suck you back in). He is downplaying the relationship with the OW so it might not be going very well and he is paving the way for a return (it was just a small teeny weeny tiny fling - never happen again blah blah). He is shedding tears and drinking early which is also known as 'the pity play' - playing on your sympathy to manipulate you. I would be careful as think you might have a man with a suiitcase and tears in his eyes on your doorstep one evening!

You will meet new friends when you get yourself back out there - work, volunteering, leisure classes etc. Enjoy being on your own and don't be tempted to have him back just because you think there is nothing else for you - there will be!

only4tonight · 22/03/2012 10:38

You sound like a different person than you did 2 weeks ago. You sound so strong and dignified. You have said the things you needed to ease the burden from your shoulders and that is great.

I agree with north witch though. I think you are going to need your strength as I do think sooner or later, probably sooner, he will br wanting to come back. Maybe he doesn't think its serious with ow. Maybe its a convenience thing on his part. But she thinks its serious, he has left you to live with her, so either way he is a liar and not tone trusted.

Your social circle will come naturally. A new job means new people. You will be available to do whatever you want to. Still I would suggest doing something like a class or book club or something which will mean more new people.

Wrongbow · 22/03/2012 10:50

Hurray for you :) If I were you I would now start practising my withering look and planning a sarcastic speech to give him when he comes crawling back ;)

izzyizin · 22/03/2012 12:17

Listen to the North Witch and make sure all of his crap is in the garage for him to collect tomorrow.

Adopt the view that he's got nothing to say to you that you would want to hear and stop engaging with him.

mathanxiety · 22/03/2012 14:38

No matter what way it is going with the OW (and I would believe him as far as I could throw him wrt that relationship) how lovely for him to sit in the pub and indulge in the fantasy that he is some sort of Casanova with two women competing for him, and all he needs to do to keep up the game is to give a little hint of his inner turmoil to one, withdraw a bit from the other. Like Pig in the Middle in reverse....

meredeux · 22/03/2012 15:28

we are all assuming that you wouldn't have him back whatever he says or does. What do you say, starting?

You've come a long way in a short time, but would you be tempted?

only4tonight · 22/03/2012 16:12

Mere I make no assumption. Starting has stated it herself. My advice to anyone would be to make sure you are ok on your own. Be able to stand on your own 2 feet. It is only when you know you can do that that you know if you want to be with someone because of who they are and not just because they are someone.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 19:04

Mere, I could never have him back after what he has done.......if he had left and noone else was involved then perhaps I would consider trying again.

But the lies, deception and callousness of his actions have damaged what we had beyond repair, the trust and respect has gone and in my opinion can never be rebuilt......

I would like to remain friends with him and i hope that at some point we may be able to get to that stage.....but our 'romantic' relationship is over........

I am slowly moving forward a step at a time............ :)

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Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 20:44

Feeling really lonely and tearful tonight.............. :(

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ThePinkPussycat · 22/03/2012 20:49

This too shall pass. Have you got any silly telly to watch? The Apprentice (new series started yesteday) or Location, location, location or a re-run of Friends or something?

PooPooInMyToes · 22/03/2012 20:56

Sorry you're feeling lonely Sad

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 20:57

I've got an Alan Carr DVD i can put on .......he always makes me laugh........

I don't know why but tonight I feel very lonely.....like i did when this all first happened.......... I very nearly called EXDP.....

Thank you so much for responding pink.....it just helps to know there is someone out there who cares...........

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Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 21:01

Thanks PPIMT....ive been hugging the dog and crying on his shoulder........ i had a small panic attack but managed to get it under control.......i know this will pass but it feels so dreadful at the moment :(

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FidgetPie · 22/03/2012 21:03

Hi Starting

just to let you know there is someone else here wishing you the best.
You are doing brilliantly and you will be fine

I do think the less contact you have with exDP the better as it is really destabilising.

Take care and give your lovely dog a hug

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 21:06

Thank you so much Fidget, I've had quite a good week and this feeling of loneliness has just hit me again....its very frightening..... :(

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LiarsWife · 22/03/2012 21:10

I've messaged you starting x

Xales · 22/03/2012 22:00

It is still very early days Starting. You were with this man a long long time. It will take you time to get over him.

Nothing wrong with how you are feeling.

Just resist that urge to call/text him. He is not your friend and he has proved that he is not there for you right now.

/hugs

Doha · 22/03/2012 22:10

Stay strong Starting, give that dog of yours hug. He loves you unconditionally.

You will have many days/night like this but they will become fewer with time especially when you get shot of your ex and his stuff from your life.

Forget about him being your freind, that is a long way off if ever.

Set your self some goals. look up old friends, try finding new hobbies for the evenings, even some volunteerinrg may be useful. You could go to night school and learn some DIY (useful fro the house!!!).
Post on here in the evenings, l may not have anything useful to say but l will listen.
With MN you will never be alone

Have a very unmumsnetty hug

fedupofnamechanging · 22/03/2012 22:10

Hi Starting.

I think it's natural to have panicky moments - your whole life has changed very suddenly and in a way that you wouldn't have chosen. There'd be something wrong if you weren't feeling down at times.

It will get better, but this is a long process, with lots of ups and downs.

I don't think you should aim to be friends - he is not your friend and he never will be. If he had been your friend, then even if he'd fallen out of love with you, he still would have been kind and not hurt you like this. You deserve better friends. Cut him out - he deserves nothing else.

Thinking of you x

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 22/03/2012 22:44

Once again you wonderful ladies have rallied round me to help me through....i just wish i had some RL friends like you! :(

Just had a chat with Liarswife, which has cheered me up..... just knowing that someone is going through a similar situation and getting through it helps, comparing notes on Ex's is also great fun......

I was feeling much stronger this week and for some reason tonight it hit me all over again......he is coming to collect the last of his stuff tomorrow perhaps that why im feeling down...... :(

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