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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

999 replies

Startingagain88 · 06/03/2012 00:41

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

OP posts:
TheNorthWitch · 19/03/2012 11:09

Been lurking on this thread - IMHO the sooner you get shot of his stuff the better - even if it feels like he is the one in control (or trying to be) it's to your ultimate benefit (to be free of him and his stuff) so it's one battle I would be prepared to 'lose'.

cenicienta · 19/03/2012 11:35

He needs to arrange alternative storage!

I think it's OK for you to say when he comes i.e at a time convenient to you. If you want to wait til the weekend, then just be firm about that.

Can you give him a deadline to move all his stuff then say you will have it moved for him... if you don't want to go down the skip route arrange for it to be stored in a container (professional storage company) and have it all invoiced to him. If he has to fork out for the high daily storage rates he will soon find somewhere else to store everything.

SlightlyJaded · 19/03/2012 11:49

I think a deadline is a good suggestions.

Something along the lines of:

"You can come at 4 today for 30 mins"

Anything you can't remove then, should be collected this Saturday between 11 and 2. Anything left will go on ebay.

If he starts on about tacky white carpets, have a list of local storage facilities to hand.

The minute he arrives, leave with the dog (if you even have to be there at all when he arrives).

However he makes you feel, do not let him see anything other than aloof control.

Panamama · 19/03/2012 11:50

I agree that there should be a deadline for him to take absolutely everything of his. To hell with his lack of storage space, he'll be able to find somewhere. He doesn't have to remove everything at his convenience.

only4tonight · 19/03/2012 12:02

Slightly jaded put it perfectly. You are a reasonable person but not one to be taken advantage of.

only4tonight · 19/03/2012 12:05

I would also find that the simple "not my problem" would be the go to comment when he goes on about why he can't collect everything.

Also whatever time you do specify make it a morning because a) you won't be on edge all day and b) he is less likely to be drunk.

izzyizin · 19/03/2012 13:01

You're not a storage facility or a fall-back position for this twat and his need to protect his new dp's white carpets is of no concern whatsoever to you.

You will feel infinitely better when you have got every last vestige and trace of him out of your house and your garage.

Make sure everything he can lay claim to from the house is bagged up, put it in the garage, then give him a date to clear the lot and tell him that anything he leaves behind will be binned.

And, if you haven't done so already, CHANGE YOUR LOCKS as I seriously wouldn't put it past this man to let himself in during your absence and greet you with 'honey, I'm home' one not so fine for you day.

Needless to say, any conversations you may have with estate agents - or anyone else for that matter - are no longer something you are obliged to discuss with the greedy, grasping twat.

meredeux · 19/03/2012 13:04

He's got a van... so collect as much as he can take and then unload it at paid storage/ on the white carpets/ her front garden (he can choose) then come back and get the next lot. Surely it won't all take more than a few hours to get it all?

LiarsWife · 19/03/2012 14:06

You are definitely better to tell him to take all of his stuff at the one time .. then he has not excuse to 'pop back'

Any news on the job front?

Remember he IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM anymore .. so as long as he gets his things to fuck out of your house who cares what he does with them after that???

You are doing really well - but you need to remember how he has treated you - he is not your friend .. don't be kind to him - he will just trample all over you

xx

mathanxiety · 19/03/2012 21:04

Great ideas about having him pick up his stuff during certain morning windows of time only, giving him a deadline, and changing the locks. If you haven't done that, do it before he comes to pick up his things or you may find him wandering through looking for this or that. Sweep the house for everything that is left that might be his and bag or box it.

008 · 19/03/2012 21:16

I love the fact that you are thinking about what suits you. Personally, I think you should stick with that. In agreement with the other posters, though, in that the sooner he clears out the better. So I would say that he can collect everthing on Saturday between 10 and 12. Or, as Jaded said, it goes on ebay and you are taking us all out to drinks with the profit ...

only4tonight · 19/03/2012 22:01

Woohooo tool funded bender! On a more serious note, what did you decide?

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 20/03/2012 09:27

Morning all,

Texted him yesterday saying he could come on Wednesday afternoon to collect more stuff...he texts back 'ok'......

Its now been two weeks since he left, I've accepted that he has moved on and is now with OW, i have accepted that i need to rebuild my life alone........but what i still cant understand is his indifference to me.

We were together a long time however he doesn't ask how i am, how im coping etc ..... i do find his lack of care or compassion difficult...more difficult than the OW!!- How do i get past this?

Popping out to do some errands later....then back to sorting out paperwork etc... im going to start pulling proper feelers out for work next week....dont feel in the right place mentally at the moment Confused

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 20/03/2012 09:51

The lack of compassion is because he has detached from you (they do this when they become emotionally involved with someone else) and it is his way of protecting himself - he does not want a guilty conscience and does not want to think about how bad you must be feeling.

Original poster
Startingagain88 · 20/03/2012 10:07

Does he feel it deep down though? Or is he now a psychopath? :) Will he ever get the point where he can say, what i did was wrong, i treated you like shit, im sorry?

I don't need to hear this to move on.......but i would like some acknowledgement from him that he recognises the damage he has done.

OP posts:
RoxyRobin · 20/03/2012 10:14

Possibly because, in common with countless other men, he has no empathy. He knows how he feels, but can't imagine how you feel.

Men can also be very cowardly - he will be reluctant to ask you how you are for fear of your response, in case it is floods of tears or a torrent of invective, neither which he wants to cope with.

And he will be resentful; he doesn't want you breaking down all over him and having a 'scene', but on the other hand he's not best pleased to see that you seem to have bounced back quickly and are together enough to prevent him getting his own way over finances.

He is much more likely to be angry and unpleasant than caring or compassionate when you see him. You must steel yourself for this. I know you can't but be hurt by his lack of concern for you, but try not to let him see this. Put your mask on, and have a good cry and/or rage afterwards.

Women tend to have too much empathy. I wish I could have all the time back I've wasted fretting over the feelings of people who couldn't give a toss about me ...

Silverthorns · 20/03/2012 10:15

Unfortunately you're probably never going to get the acknowledgement from him. This is because he's a twat.

You need to find a way to validate your own self and move forward. (I've been having a bit of therapy in the last few years and this is the conclusion I've reached. Wink ) I'm not saying it's easy, because it's very very hard to move on when someone has treated you like shite and you want them to be sorry. But sometimes they just re-write things in their own heads and make themselves right and they never will be sorry. Whilst you still want this from him you're still giving him the power over whether you are happy or not. You need to find a way to take this back. No answers, still working on it. Smile

Silverthorns · 20/03/2012 10:17

You know what they say about the best revenge, live well, be indifferent. Or at least don't show him that you're doing anything but.

springydaffs · 20/03/2012 10:23

He may do that one day but it will probably be a long time coming - by which time you will have such a fabulous life it won't make that much difference. Though it will be satisfying. I've heard this countless times, where the person who did the heinous dirty and, typically, did it without a backward glance (as HotChoc says, to ward against a guilty conscience), eventually catches up with their conscience and is full of sorrow and apologies. Too late, but satisfying.

I have to warn you though, some never get to this; are emotionally and psychologically stunted tbh. Those types already showed signs of that, only the victim was blinded to it at the time.

I feel I'm talking rubbish here, not very cogent. Hope it makes sense!

PooPooInMyToes · 20/03/2012 11:53

What sort of job are you going to be looking for? What do you do?

[nosey emoticon]

only4tonight · 20/03/2012 16:18

He may be feeling it. He may be clouding those feelings with drink or attachment to ow. He could just be an arse. But I doubt you will ever know because he won't show weakness to you.

mathanxiety · 20/03/2012 16:26

You are dealing with a shallow, self indulgent man. Don't hold your breath waiting for anything sincere by way of an empathetic gesture. Time will heal you, and ending contact.

tadjennyp · 20/03/2012 17:56

He still wants to have his cake and eat it then? Doing your CV will give you a great opportunity to reflect on all the things you have achieved. Might be quite therapeutic!

izzyizin · 20/03/2012 18:15

Don't be tempted to invite him into your home to sort out his stuff himself - bag it up, dump it in the garage, and be 'out' even if you're in.

And get your locks changed...

springydaffs · 20/03/2012 23:17

Definitely don't see him. It could set you right back, don't think you're immume (yet). You've come so far in a short time - well done sparkling Wink

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