In shock can't quite believe it............Long Sorry

[Startingagain88]

I hope someone can give me some good advice as i don't really have any friends and my parents have passed away.
I've been lurking on the relationships part of the forums for a few months now- as I suppose I had a gut feeling there may be something wrong but I didnt expect this.........
Long term DP of 15 years has announced this evening that he is no longer physically attracted to me, or in love with me- he 'cares' for me but that's it......
Hes been having a stressful time at work recently and i knew that something wasn't right but he always said that he was just tired from work.
He told me that he has met a woman who he has had a few drinks with- but nothing 'sexual' has happened between them- he says that he doesn't love her- but then again he doesn't love me!
He then left very upset telling me he was going to a friends, i called to make sure he was ok as he was driving upset and asked whether he got there ok, he said yes, i then asked whether he was with her the line went quiet.....

I'm absolutely devastated and in complete shock...thank god we dont have any children, i loved this man and planned my future around him- i gave him lots of opportunities to tell me what was wrong....i gave up my job last year to support him in his new business venture and we have been eating into my savings all the time only now does he tell me that he doesn't love me........and hasn't for eight months...

I'm now left with no job, no friends and a half done house- I need some help please....................

Starting So i think when he says all these hurtful things and lies about our relationship...his trying to create a new history a history which means he wont think hes made a mistake and regret what he has done.... what a good point.

I congratulate you for being so strong and so insightful and level headed in all this.
You will be more than fine!

I know you shouldnt but just think of that dirty unkempt man from yesterday in her lovely clean hosebwith the lovwly white carpets

Hmmm--I wonder if OW has kicked him out and that is why he looks unkempt.

Good luck this afternoon with the estate agent and tradesmen, hope the cost of the work isnt too much of a shock.

Starting you are doing so well, I took me 6 months to get anywhere near where you are, I am cheering you on and lurking everyday.

Ernies for fish and chips or the one where theres always a queue outside in Harbour Street?

Maybe ow read this and realised what a scumbag he is and how dignified you are. Because hate ow as you might he has probably painted you as the wicked witch of the west, him the poor wronged man, and she has believed it. Tis still no excuse though. Standard line should be "come back when you are out of your bad relationship and AFTER the dust has settled!"

I agree Starting that you have fantastic insight.

I think all your assumptions about him needing to convince himself he has done the right thing, are bang on the money.

Good luck this afternoon.

And it's so so lovely to see you getting meet-up/visit invitations left, right and centre from MNers

You will so very definitely be more than fine :)

Well done on talking to him through the fence and making him sign something about the car. You have got great presence of mind to do that!

You really are doing very well. If you have moments when you start to feel down again, just picture where you could be and what you could be doing at Christmas this year. In a nicer home, with family or even some of your new friends, having a laugh and surrounded with people who actually love you

I have followed your thread, first appalled at how exP treated you and now in awe of how you are coping and how far you have come.

You hold all the cards here Starting, make sure you hang on to them.
You don't really need my thoughts as you do seem to have such insight into exP's behaviour but he doesn't seem to be fitting quite into the usual profile of little shits so soon into the blissful honeymoon period with OW.

He should be down the gym in his lycra, new wardrobe, new hairstyle but full of guilt at what he has done -- I wouldn't have thought in this case that would manifest itself in his shouting his hatred at you or looking like crap.
As someone said upthread "methinks he doth protest too much"

I also wondered whether OW had thrown him out. You don't think, horror of horrors, he might have spilt some red wine on the white carpets!!!!!

Think you are quite right Starting that he felt bogged down with a struggling new business, mess of a house and the grown up world prospects of providing for a family and took the cowards way out. He has rapidly found out that the grass isn't greener and he has now probably lost any chance of his business succeeding and his world has just got immeasurably worse.

But don't let any of that change the course you are now on. Don't weaken. Don't fall (as I did with shitty exP) for the "little boy lost/I've made a huge mistake/had a breakdown/ I'll never do it again" line because he prob will do it again, as mine did once things were going well again and is now trying once again to wheedle his way back!
They just do not seem to realise that actions have consequences.

I know it is hard but you are still young and strong and you have the world at your feet. Ditch the loser and go for it!

Forgot to say DevastatedofDorset I am so pleased to hear you are doing well. I followed your thread and it struck a real chord with me in the way that you had to live in same village as OW and ex.

I felt for you so much and often wondered how you were. I also had to mix in same social circle with ex as he paraded OW in front of me and it was just awful.

So what's the verdict on the house?

Have a nice time with your brother x

Hope you're doing ok

Hi All,

Having a good day today....slobbing about with doggy catching up on sleep...

Had a lovely evening with Pinkwellies on Friday.......I actually ate some Chinese ... she made sure of it:)

Caught up with another old friend yesterday...... shes 47 and single and was telling me some of her dating stories...which was good for a laugh!

Had some tradesman round on saturday...usual thing cant give price now will out quote together etc.....

Estate Agent says the house is worth quite a bit more than i paid for it already..even without finishing the work.....so I'm debating what to do now!

Hi there, glad you're having a good day, and especially that you've managed to sleep and eat.

Good news about the house, that puts you in a much stronger position, now you can decide what you'd like to do next without having to worry too much in the process. New house, new job perhaps? The possibilities are endless :)

Also sounds positive on the friends side of things as well. And this is just the beginning! You sound like such a lovely person, I'm sure that as you meet new people you will have no difficulty making some new solid friendships.

Starting - I have just read this, and one thing that I find really sad about this is the fact that you have spent 15 years with this man who seems to have isolated you from your remaining family, knowing that you were vulnerable, having lost both your parents.

You are a sister, a sister in law, and an aunty. You have missed out on enjoying those roles. Now you have a chance to make up for that.

I have recently lost a parent. I have a lovely husband and 3 dc. However, my siblings and my nieces and nephews have been a tower of strength to me too, and we all appreciate each other more than ever, having shared that loss.

What I am trying to say, probably rather clumsily, is that a really good man, who loved you, would not isolate you from your family, or your friends.

You are moving in the right direction. Keep going, you are doing really well.

Great news about the house. If you can and if you won't lose out financially I say fresh start elsewhere! Very very glad you are eating again.

Well done pinkwellies

Thanks only I was mainly a long time lurker but like all of us that have been through what starting is coping with so very well at times , I could have done with an impartial ear to get me through it.
Well done jaded for starting up the RL support thread I always gained strength from reading the boards but sometimes you just need a metaphorical hand held in RL too.
My story is 3 years old and I have come through the mill stronger , sometimes you just have to reach rock bottom to start the descent back up again. It does leave scars but I can now look back and laugh rather cry.

That rock bottom comment is so right. I know people whoseem to live their life low bit never crash down to that bottom so they never rebound back up.

I know I will never hit that low again. I am a different person than I was. I can't regret the things that happened that made me hit rock bottom (though I can be ashamed I let them happen) because without them I would never have climbed back up.

pinkwellies - one minute you were a lurker and now you're famous

LOL thanks Daffs it was jaded that got me out of the cupboard though

Morning all,

Felt good this morning....beautiful day!

Ruined by text from EXDP .....can he come and collect more clothes, paperwork and tools?

I do want him to come and get his stuff.....but I think he feels that he can demand when he wants to come and go.....do you think I'm being unreasonable to make him wait till the weekend? He has enough clothes to be going on with and a van full of tools!...... i don't want to get into tit for tat with him.....but i need to concentrate on what i need..........

Advice please :)

You could let him come - so long as he takes everything?

He wont be able to take everything now as he has nowhere to keep all his tools.....OW white carpets remember? :)