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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
schobe · 05/03/2012 13:39

What are you going to do Geordieminx?

timefourchange · 05/03/2012 13:54

Leave the bastard.
Obviously. List irreconcilable differences over driving on your divorce papers.

Has anyone said "controlling" yet?

Isn't that on the bingo card.

Best post so far is the one where the DH gets called a wanker for "Love the way looking after your DS defaults to you" when the OP takes the kid out of the care by her own free will and choice.

pictish · 05/03/2012 13:55

I always remember my friend's mum's handling of a similar(ish) situation, when she had been dating her new bloke for about three months.

They were driving somewhere and got caught up in some tricky traffic, during which he got a bit overly stressy. Friend's mum told him to calm down, and he in turn told her to "shut the fuck up". To her utter shock.

She waited quietly for a few minutes until the traffic situation had smoothed out again, then told him calmly but firmly, to pull over.
He did so, and she gathered her bag and coat and got out of the car. Then she leaned back in the wondow and told him "you will never speak to me like that again" before turning on her heel and walking away from him as quickly as she could, while phoning a cab.

She only agreed to entertain him again after a full apology and a promise that he would indeed never speak to her like that again.
They have been married for 12 years now, and he never has.

Someone will only treat you like you let them.

I won't be sworn at and spoken to like shit. I certainly wouldn't tolerate being punished for refusing to put up with it.

All the posters on here who think the OP brought it upon herself, are mugs.

nizlopi · 05/03/2012 14:07

I grew up with parents that used to behave like this in front of me, and let me tell you, it is not a great way to experience childhood.

You both sound like complete idiots. Grow the fuck up.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 14:12

Yeah I wouldnt be sworn at either, but I also would say some passive agressive shit and then be all 'hurt' when it provoked a response.

She told him to calm down and call her and they could go for some lunch [or words to that effect]

He obviously either didnt calm own or didnt fancy lunch with her after all that PA stuff [would you?]

If this was presented as the DH criticising the driving then storming off people would be saying 'ooh hes controlling and manipulative'

Its all bollocks, they had a row, both behaved like nobs. call of the psychoanalysis please.

AmberLeaf · 05/03/2012 14:12

Call off

SimoneD · 05/03/2012 14:12

OP I cant believe some of the responses you've been getting on here.

Your DP has behaved appallingly. Its the fact that he would leave his child as well, in the rain with no coat, knowing you both had a 20 mile journey and no keys. Just absolutely vile. I honestly dont think I could forgive such behaviour. Its not just the total lack of care and respect for you but the wilfull disregard of his son as well. And then he expects you to apologise?? Tell him to fuck off in no uncertain terms.
And where was he until 7.30pm? Did he stay out at mates/pub, sat there thinking happily that you and Ds would be waiting at the door in the rain till he got back
What a total prick

tinierclanger · 05/03/2012 14:23

You were both silly. And why on earth didn't you take coats with you in the first place? You both need to learn to control your tempers.

TapirBackRider · 05/03/2012 14:35

Nope - and you know YANBU.

Your dh needs a lesson in behaving like an adult, a husband and a father. He behaved disgracefully and needs to grow the fuck up.

TBH (from what you have posted) he is behaving in such a childish way that anything you do is seen by him as a reason to strop. This is not about you - this is all about him, thinking he can treat you in a demeaning and derogatory manner, and expecting you to swallow it.

I'd be ignoring his stupidity, and refusing to engage in his daft behaviour.

QuickLookBusy · 05/03/2012 14:41

To answer your origional question-

Yes your H was out of order

But you were equally responsible for arguing infront of your 4 year old. .....I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

I feel very sorry for your DS and hope this kind of argument infront of him is a one off.

pictish · 05/03/2012 14:41

Ok - I have read and reread the OP, and I cannot for the life of me see what the OP did, to justify being sworn at, and left stranded 20 miles from home with a 4 year old.

Can someone please point it out?

timefourchange · 05/03/2012 14:43

You both need to learn to control your tempers

This is the bottom line.

By the OP own admission said that she spoke to her DH "not very sympathetically" first before getting sworn at. You don't have to swear at someone to cross the line into rude, passive aggressive or slightly abusive.

Which is why I'm hesitant to jump on the band wagon of being the poor little wife who has a terrible husband as he swore at her and she should leave him. Swearing isn't the be all and end all.

They also need to learn how to spot warning signs that an argument is imminent and how to back off rather than escalating it. They need to learn how to both be able to take the first step to apologising and accepting their own part of responsibility in an argument (and more often than not, an argument is due to problems with communication and both parties are partly responsible for that break down. Its rarely just one partner. The DH said that she spoke to him like crap first - whether or not she did - there was a break down in communication over what she said, the way she said it and how it was interpreted).

They both need to learn that its ok to back down and say "yeah I was in the wrong" and they aren't losing face in doing so. Its not about "winning" the argument or indeed loosing it.

QuickLookBusy · 05/03/2012 14:43

I agree however that if he is the sulky type then he is a childish twat and I would be having a loooong talk with him.

BeeBread · 05/03/2012 15:01

You were playing games by getting out of the car in the first place; an escalation. You hoped it would result in a certain reaction - a "win" for you - and he called your bluff.

You and your DH are as bad as each other and your DS suffers as a result.

timefourchange · 05/03/2012 15:09

Indeed BeeBread. It was a game of chicken over who would back down first.

Which makes both in the wrong really as neither have a clue on how to deal with an argument in a mature fashion. Both need to sit down and realise that there is a problem with how they argue and communicate here.

There is nothing wrong with having arguments. Its how you learn to deal with them that is an issue. If you constantly have arguments that lead to escalations rather than calming strategies then you are going to have problems.

mrstiredandconfused · 05/03/2012 15:28

Pictish I agree wholeheartedly. I'm genuinely shocked at some of these responses, some of which have been made by posters i've always had the utmost respect for Sad

What are you going to do Geordie?

mrstiredandconfused · 05/03/2012 15:33

But Timefour she was trying to calm things by removing herself and ds from the situation. What would you have her do - sit there and be shouted and sworn at?

PeachesandStrawberry · 05/03/2012 16:17

OP YANBU.

Can't believe some of the responses on here. He was wrong to leave you and your son on your own.

He needs to grow up.

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 16:22

Teinirclanger i would imagine they didn't have coats because they were going to an indoor shopping centre! I love the way mn expect people to be prepared for anything. Perhaps she should have also taken an expandable two seater bike in her purse!?

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 16:27

The way that you always have to apologise when he goes into a strop has to stop. That's not right. He doesn't like to be wrong does he!

Also you said that he doesn't read signs but expects you to direct him. I would stop that as well. If he's going to be such a baby then he can navigate himself. Just sit quietly or talk to ds and let him make his own mistakes. If he get lost its not the end of the world.

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 16:29

Meant to say that you telling him where to drive means he doesn't have to take responsibility like a child. The strops are also obviously child like. Your husband is a big fucking baby!

PooPooInMyToes · 05/03/2012 16:34

Oh and my ex used to doabandoned me miles from home as well. He used to do it to try to get me grovelling and doing what he wanted. It was a power thing i suppose. He was also very immature. The last time he did it i wouldn't give in and apologise and so he beat me up.

SquishyCinnamonSwirls · 05/03/2012 16:47

Jesus. I'd be raging at being abandoned. So, you told him which lane to drive in big deal!
I'd be utterly, spittingly furious about being left 20miles from home with no coat and keys.

twoistwiceasfun · 05/03/2012 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumsyblouse · 05/03/2012 18:05

As a one-off end of tether situation, this is ridiculous but I would try to put it behind you. Perhaps it was the 100th time you spoke in a rude way to your husband and he flipped, perhaps not. He was a twat to leave you, you shouldn't have been rude to him either.

As a normal way of behaving, it must be horrible. Have a chat about how you can stop things escalating like this.