Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
lambethlil · 05/03/2012 09:09

Well if it was lunch, that's different.

I'd still rather eat poo than go to a shopping centre for fun.

maristella · 05/03/2012 09:10

Hmm, if a passenger was to criticise my driving, they would not be my passenger for much longer at all!
Why on earth would you want to agitate a panicking driver? And why would you be so surprised at his response? Why would you then keep inflaming the situation, an argument with the driver and in front of your child?

Why would you then flounce out of the car, taking your child, without coats and keys?

And why would you not call your DH when you had calmed down to say that you are both stuck?

Seriously, there are more important things in life than having the row, and getting the apology (which I think you also need to make) such as road safety and preventing your child from hearing such rows.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 09:14

I did call. He didn't answer.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 05/03/2012 09:16

I'd still rather eat poo than go to a shopping centre for fun.

Agree, especially at midday on a weekend. Max stress ever.

Do you drive, OP?

antsypants · 05/03/2012 09:21

I remember looking at program's for the theatre and deciding what incredibly worthy and patronising drama I could go see and wax lyrical about to my equally worthy and patronising friends.

Today I found myself wondering which seats would give the best possible view for the chris and pui tour from show me show me.

antsypants · 05/03/2012 09:22

Random, that was supposed to be on the other thread, sorry Blush

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 09:34

Yes I drive. Twas my car, Dh said he wanted to drive as he hadn't driven my car in ages (nice Ish, fast Ish car)

OP posts:
NorthernChinchilla · 05/03/2012 09:34

OK, making comments on driving isn't the best thing to do, and a wee apology may be in line for that, but...

  • Being sworn at (so different from swearing in general) is not on.
  • Being sworn at in front of child, not on.
  • Being dumped, the pair of you, to make your own way home when you didn't have coats, is so far from being on it's accelerating into space.

YADefinitelyNBU. I'd be finding it hard not to tell family and friends about it so they could tell him what a dick he'd been. The apology should come from him.

lambethlil · 05/03/2012 09:37

But yes, or no Confused YANBU.

Having got into that situation (shopping centre at the weekend, criticising driver, no coats, etc.) he shouldn't have driven off.

bibbityisaporker · 05/03/2012 09:55

"Well actually I think you deserved it"

Do you really, noinspiration? Do you seriously believe that op and her 4 y/o ds deserved to be treated like that??

RhinosDontEatPancakes · 05/03/2012 10:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhdearNigel · 05/03/2012 10:26

You got out of the car, told him to drive off and he called your bluff. It sounds like half a dozen of one and 6 of the other to me.

StewieGriffinsMom · 05/03/2012 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eurochick · 05/03/2012 10:37

Anyone who criticises my driving gets chucked out of the car so they don't have to suffer it any more. I once came vey close to leaving an ex boyfriend in a layby on a A303 in the middle of nowhere.

However, leaving the child (who had done nothing) without a coat 20 miles from home is not on.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 10:38

I didn't tell him to drive off though. He was shouting and it was gonna escalate into an argument so I took ds out of the car, told him to give me a call/come and meet us once he had calmed down and we could get some lunch.

It was then threatened with "you can make your own way back then etc etc etc"

I honestly thought walking away from the situation, giving us both time to calm down was the best thing to do, which is why I tried to ring him.

OP posts:
Whatmeworry · 05/03/2012 10:39

You got out of the car, told him to drive off and he called your bluff. It sounds like half a dozen of one and 6 of the other to me.

My take too - YWBU to use the child as a trumnp card, and he is BU to leave the child 20 miles from home.

The oldest participant in this was the child.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 10:49

I didn't tell him to drive off, I just said for him to calm down and then come and meet us. I hate fighting, it always feels like such a waste of time, and and spoils the weekend.

I wanted him to calm down, come and meet us for lunch, I would have apologised for being arsey about his driving, and hopefully peace and harmony would have been restored. I never for one second thought he would just leave us. Sad

OP posts:
ILoveDinosaurs · 05/03/2012 10:55

You criticise his driving over a petty matter - BAD out of order, you've created the problem

He swears at you in front of your son - BAD, but honestly not horrendous.

So you blow it completely out of proportion by storming off with your child - BAD, you've escalated the problem and are doing it in front of your child; the very thing you are complaining about. You are being a hypocrite and childish.

So he goes off in a strop and doesn't come back to help you - BAD, hes escalated the problem. He's in the wrong for not backing down and coming to check on you. Again childish.

Conclusion: You are made for each other and are both as bad as each other.

Your poor son was stuck right in the middle and frankly, you were (and still are) using him to score points for your argument. You yourself didn't take him into consideration when you got out of the car. You were the one who had an argument with your DH and could have easily stormed off without your son, but you made him involved by taking him with you, which frankly is about putting the boot in and trying to get one over on your DH. Your point was, "if we argue I will take your child away from you", which isn't acceptable.

And you expected taking your son, to be a way to manipulate your DH to come back and be the one to back down to make sure you were ok. Yes, he should really have come back because your son was with you, but you are still using your son as the hostage here and the tool with which to beat your DH.

You are both being unreasonable. Your poor son.

OrmIrian · 05/03/2012 10:57

Oh dear. He was feeling under stress and you had a go at him. It's never going to end well. Yes he should have swallowed it and got on with driving but we don't all react well under stress. Then you got cross and snapped at him and he snapped back.

He shouldn't have left you of course.

I am guessing he is now feeling embarrassed and awkward hence why he doesn't want to talk to you.

You have the moral high ground. Well done. Now go and talk to him. Nicely.

CurrerBell · 05/03/2012 11:15

I am increasingly shocked by some of these responses. Are we living in the 1950s?! As I said earlier my DH can be like this when driving. I am very careful not to criticise, or indeed say anything when he is stressed. But sometimes he asks for help and then shouts at me when I offer it! You cannot win. I know where you're coming from OP and I hope you're ok. Nothing excuses his behaviour towards you and your DS!

desperatenotstupid · 05/03/2012 11:22

If that had been reversed, i would have left you there too - over reaction and hissy fit im afraid. No, he absolutely should not have told you to fuck off in front of your DS, but YOU are the one that took your DS out of the car and made a big drama. The grown up thing would have been to bite your tonge (beccause you dont want a scene in ffront of DS) then wait until you are both calmer and say that you don't think its good for him to be swearing at you in front of your son in that way.

The only thing i think was wrong of his was to leave you in the rain, well DS to be fair, you're the adult and perfectly capable of looking after yourself.

Sorry but YABU and just as childlike as your DH

zukiecat · 05/03/2012 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BareBums · 05/03/2012 11:54

I think there's a back story..

How does he usually behave in arguments? Do you two regularly argue like this?

I don't think you should have made a drama about it tbh, no its not nice to be told that but he was frustrated and mad, all heat of the moment. Next time (if there is one) bite your tongue and wait for when your DS is not with you to sort it out.

But no he was completely U to leave your DS like that. Perhaps he thought as he's with you he'd be ok?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 11:57

Frequently "punishes" me by not speaking to me sometimes for a couple of days if I do something wrong/we have a disagreement. Sleeps in spare room and just refuses to communicate.

Our marriage isn't in a great state but he did something really kind for me last week, and I have been trying to get things sorted, and be kinder this week too, hence lie ins and football in peace and quiet

OP posts:
BareBums · 05/03/2012 11:59

he sounds like a dream Hmm

What do you think he'd do if you behaved the way he does?