To think Dh is totally out of order?

[Geordieminx]

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us

Did I deserve it?

OK so you have what amounts to a tiff (by normal people's standards) about getting in the wrong lane.

This is then escalated by him to swearing, threatening and then leaving you 20 miles from home without coats and keys.

He then doesn't turn up until 7:30pm (so 7 hrs later give or take??).

And he won't speak to you for several days.

And people think this is a reasonable response for telling him the right lane to get in? Really? Do you put up with this shit in your own relationships?

The whole sulking thing for days is abusive in itself.

GeordieMix he sounds delightful .

GeordieMinx, I'm moved to comment as this man sounds so like an ex of mine, who I was engaged to. He was selfish and controlling, he would control situations by sulking about them, he would very rarely lose his temper, would just calmly and silently take all the control, refuse to discuss things, and sulk until he got his own way. During the 3 years I was with him, I systematically supressed bits of my personality that he didn't approve of, until I was hardly me at all anymore. Eventually, I saw it for what it was, called off the engagement and left him. There were no children involved and I am so glad of this. I know I don't know you and it's not my place to comment (although I guess you are looking for comments, given the nature of the post), so please ignore if this isn't what you want to hear, but people like this do not change and you do not deserve to be treated like that. YA very definitely NBU, but he won't ever understand this. His behaviour is selfish and childish and you deserve more. Have you thought of leaving?

Has anyone said passive aggressive yet? just wondered like

My DH and I often squabble about driving related incidents like this - he's hopeless at reading road signs and thinking ahead and I'm a shocking control freak who can't keep my trap shut - both as bad.

However, he would never swear at me like that in front of the kids and he would absolutely never, ever, ever piss of and leave us 20 miles from home just to have the last word, no matter how much of a bitch I'd been (and I can be some times!).

Your DH sounds like a sulky spoilt brat.

yep. guilty as charged desperatenotstupid.

Well ds and i have been in the door 5 minutes.. And he has gone out. Knowing fine well it's ds's bed time.

What a Fucking tool

I can think of better descriptions than tool!

This is a pretty regular response by him to arguments isn't it GeordieMix?

So he's not speaking to your DS either then, what a prince. Regardless of who started the argument and whether it could have been handled differently on both sides, his behaviour towards your DS is inexcusable in my book. I would be seriously questioning this relationship.

A few years ago a friend of mine called me to come and get her and her 2 DDs as she was having a blazing row with her DP. When I took them back home later, he'd gone to work and locked them all out of the house - they had to stay overnight at mine. I can still see the look on her youngest DDs face as she burst into tears. Kids remember stuff like that.

So he is ignoring your 4 y/o ds too?

I honestly have no idea (as I said earlier) why you have got so many responses either saying it's your fault or you are just as bad... they must be made by women who are prepared to 'bow down' to 'their man' & don't mind being treat like door mats.

Really - it sounds like you need a damn good think about where this relationship is headed. Just because he did one nice thing for you last week, doesn't mean he's a good person to be in a relationship with. I could not and would not put up with this childish, pathetic ignoring you for days on end when something doesn't go his way. Please don't apologise to this little prick.

I honestly have no idea (as I said earlier) why you have got so many responses either saying it's your fault or you are just as bad... they must be made by women who are prepared to 'bow down' to 'their man' & don't mind being treat like door mats

Or maybe not.

I dont 'bow down' and I never have nor will ever be a doormat, I can just recognise that women are perfectly capable of being arseholes the same as men can be.

Do you all think that women really never do anything wrong? never contribute to an argument?

Of course in the world of Mumsnet women are perfect always as far as relationships go.

They are only ever manipulative, controlling or abusive if they are a MIL, a step mum or a toxic mother.

Amber of course women can be arses too (even I have had my moments ) but ffs what was she meant to do? She tried removing ds and herself from the situation and look what happened.

And given Geordie's latest post how can you continue defending this tool? Does this REALLY sound like a man you'd be happy about being married to?

(Sorry I keep singling you out but I usually agree with what you say so i'm surprised that we're polar opposites on this!)

You were both too hotted earlier, shouldn't have been in that situation etc. etc.

But now... -he's being totally unreasonable. You need to talk when he comes home. Take the moral high ground. Apologise for how the situation started and ask him to stop sulking. How he reacts will speak volumes.

Haven't read the whole thread so it may be in there but why do you go out of the house without your own keys?!

Money, keys and phone are for me the basics in my bag before locking the door behind me. Always!

And yes he did behave abominably leaving you and DS (4!) to find the 20 miles home by yourself..... AH

O.k., a back-seat driver is a PITA but still! He could have at least sat and simmered in the car waiting for you to come back from the shops. (or blown off steam walking around).

Do you drive? If not, maybe time to learn...

It's made worse by the fact that ds is going away tomorrow to my parents and won't be back til Saturday.

The keys were in the car superbophobe. Hence the problem.

I agree with handdived 18.18 post

I think if you find yourself in that situation, and find yourself contributing to the escalation, then you have to consider whether stepping out the car is going to make things worse and to be perceived to be going off in a huff or starting a mexican standoff (even if thats not the way you intention it).

Actually sometimes simply letting someone swear (from the sound of it he swore once - not a constant tyrade), then you are better to keep your mouth shut at that moment in time. Otherwise you enter into a tenis match of insults because you are BOTH emotionally involved and feeling like the aggrieved party and are never going to be able to rationally have a calm discussion in that state.

The key to not being a doormat is to not let it slide though. You DO need to raise it - but not in front of your son - and not when you are still both fuming. You need to spell out calmly why its not acceptable and why that type of behaviour is unacceptable.

I really do think you have to be conscious of your role in the argument. Its not about proportioning blame at all either. You can be in the right, but misinterpret or be overly sensitive to certain comments (like criticism over driving - which I don't take well at all)

I have had similar problems with my DH in the past. However it was not acceptable for me to start ranting and raving at him either. And yeah I HAVE been the guilty party at times. Sometimes its been him. I'm not a downtrodden abused wife by any stretched of the imagination.

Things are so much better now we can both see it coming and take a step back. Learning to bite tongue and avoid storming off (which we've both been guilty of) has helped enormously. And we both make an effort to swallow pride and apologise to each other. It is most definitely not one sided, with me bowing down to him. We both do it and we both have learnt that taking a step backward and confronting the other over behaviour at a later time is much better for us.

I really think, for us at least, it was a massive communication problem, and we both disrespected each other. Things have improved massively since tackling it and we are both a lot happier.

Take that chance to have a serious discussion with your DH and if he refuses to speak to you than you need to start thinking about what you want for yourself and DS. Do you want your DS growing up thinking that is ok to treat a woman like that?

Lamberh but that's what always happens. He sulks for days on end until op apologises, no matter who is in the wrong. That's childish and dysfunctional behaviour. You can't think op should go down the same route again surely!? It just plays his game.

Amber - where exactly did I say anything about all women? Nowhere. Stop arguing with fresh air and take a good look at what the OP has actually written.

Subur - if you go into customise you can set it so that it highlights all of the OP's posts, it's a very handy feature for gathering all the facts if you can't be bothered to read the whole thread.

Ooh handy! Didn't know that!

You can't think op should go down the same route again surely!? It just plays his game.

I can't see what else she can do. She can't change his behaviour, only her own. That's not to say she shouldn't tell him exactly how unacceptable it was to leave her and DS.

This relationship does sound like hard work

Regardless of the exact rights and wrongs of this particular argument, I don't see this scenario (getting into the wrong lane in traffic) causing so much bother in a happy, healthy, respectful relationship.........