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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
midwife99 · 08/04/2012 20:53

It sounds reasonable to me & would avoid thousands in legal costs but he'd also have to pay half the maintenance costs of the property eg repairs & updating as well as the mortgage if he wants half the profit in so many years hence. I got 70% but ex didn't continue paying ANYTHING towards the mortgage plus I got an £11000 legal bill! I would still get legal advice to protect you if he stops paying or gets nasty if you meet someone else. I think he should agree that the divorce should be on the grounds of irreconcilable differences rather than drag you through a load of mud slinging & the amount of maintenance would have to be legally agreed plus annual increases. A lot of detail but a family law society solicitor would get that all sorted.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 08/04/2012 21:00

He has said we can just wait the 2 years and have a straight forward divorce?

OP posts:
midwife99 · 08/04/2012 21:01

Yes sounds good. Smile

RandomMess · 08/04/2012 21:03

I would ask him to go to mediation with you to sort all of this out. You will still both need solicitors to come to a legal seperation agreement prior to divorce but it would be great if you can sort things out between you and go with an agreement in principle to your individual solicitors.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 08/04/2012 21:41

Yes, that's the plan. All seems calm and mature. Not gonna let my guard down bit hopefully this can be done with the least amount of stress and upset

OP posts:
midwife99 · 09/04/2012 21:32

I'm really hopeful this calmer atmosphere continues for you so you can sort the legal stuff out & start to move on & have a happy future Smile

Original poster
Geordieminx · 09/04/2012 22:09

Tbh it was easier when he wasnt speaking to meSad

His family have been visiting today, and due to MIL's very poor health over recent weeks he hasn't told them. So today we have been out en mass, playing happy families like the last week never happened.

It has completely thrown me, and along with a good old fashioned dose of PMT, I'm feeling like an emotional fucking wreck tonight. Sad

OP posts:
midwife99 · 09/04/2012 22:16

Oh god that's crap. You don't think he's playing mind games do you? One minute angry & divorcing you for adultery, the next calm & talking about the house, then pretending nothing's happening?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 09/04/2012 22:18

No, I don't think so, i think he maybe thought I would try and get him to take me back, to make a go of things instead of just accepting it?

OP posts:
mrstiredandconfused · 09/04/2012 23:48

Tbh Geordie I think you should be looking into free half hour advice if you haven't already - it certainly sounds like the discussion you had was useful in terms of minimising stress etc but i'm concerned that in the space of a few days he has gone from wanting to divorce you for adultery (wtaf!) to being nicey-nicey in front of his mother and being all reasonable about separating/divorce. From an outsider's pov he sounds quite manipulative and of course he may not be, but I think you should get as much legal advice as you can just to be prepared.

How are you doing otherwise?

midwife99 · 10/04/2012 00:38

Yeah I think he'll turncoat again & make it difficult. The legal advice is a good thing. The sooner he moves out the better!!!

Jux · 10/04/2012 13:34

Get thee to a solicitor forthwith!

Doesn't matter whether he's being nice or nasty, you need to know what you can and can't do, and what he can and can't do. Get yourself thoroughly informed. You don't have to wait for his decisions either - he's going to divorce you for this that or the other etc - just look after yourself, your ds and ensure that whatever he says, you know what you're going to do.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 11/04/2012 15:52

Have spoken to tax credits people, and am popping into bank tonight. Have done a rough calculation and I should be fine in the house financially. Ob not rolling in it but enough for everything, and a bit left over for nice things and emergencies.

He is being fine, he actually apologised last night for not being able to give me what I deserve.

Still feel very sad about splitting up our wee family, and I worry about being alone, ESP as I have no family up here, but it will be cool. And hopefully of things stay like this with Dh then we can remain amicable/friends and help eac other out if needed, although I don't want to rely on him. I want to be an independent woman for the first time in my adult life ((((channels Beyonce))))))

OP posts:
midwife99 · 11/04/2012 16:34

Beyonce is THE WOMAN! Yes it will be lonely at first but you will soon start to get out there & having a peaceful home is so wonderful after years of tension!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 11/04/2012 21:18

Dh is our tonight. At the pictures Hmm

So far I have watched 3 episodes of hollyoakes, 2 Desperate Housewives, drank a glass of red and eaten a chocolate bunny.

This is shit Grin

OP posts:
midwife99 · 11/04/2012 21:22

I'm still suffering the moods, the stress & the seething. Wish DH would fuck off to the cinema & leave me in peace too! Think I'm gonna join you on the path to freedom!

trixymalixy · 11/04/2012 21:44

Geordie, have just seen this. So sorry. Have PMd you.

Hoebag · 11/04/2012 21:55

Why is he trying to divorce you for adultery?

I hope you get out of that crappy situation soon, and dont give him an inch and when he starts whining remind him that he wanted to blacken your name during a divorce.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 11/04/2012 22:11

I have no idea Confused

Things are calm just now. I'm not gonna put the guard down any time soon, am just plodding along, sorting things out, keeping it together for ds and pottering along in my own wee world.

It's going to be a no blame break down of relations type divorce, and so far he's being reasonable about everything

OP posts:
Lucewheel · 11/04/2012 22:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

carernotasaint · 11/04/2012 22:34

As long as he stays reasonable Geordie. Possibly he doesnt want the truth getting out.

midwife99 · 12/04/2012 06:32

You'be being so strong Geordie & hopefully the reasonable behaviour on his part will continue. When is he leaving?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 12/04/2012 07:29

I'm cool. Good days and bad at the moment.. Get a bit wobbly when I think about all the things I'm going to have to do myself.. Like evicting Blardy daddy long legs and putting the bins out and such like but it's fine.

We are going on holiday at the end of May, hopefully go together then come home and he'll move out.

OP posts:
AgathaFusty · 12/04/2012 08:24

I read this thread in the beginning when he was unreasonable over the car directions etc, left you to walk home etc. Now caught up and realised that your situation has moved on significantly.

Two things - I completely agree with posters who have advised legal advice, free half hour with solicitor or more. He is still calling the shots here. He asked for separation, he decided he would divorce you for adultery, he is deciding financial terms. You need quick, accurate advice, and please don't agree to any of his terms until you have had professional legal advice.

The other thing is about the adultery thing. I may have missed something in the thread, but was there adultery, and more importantly if there was, can he prove it? Because if there wasn't, or if there was but he doesn't have proof, how can he possibly divorce you for it? Again, it appears that he was trying to get things on his terms, for his gain. I realise he has 'relented' and is now allowing a 2 year wait, but yet again, that's on his terms. What about you divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour? If you did, would that produce a better settlement for you? Legal advice should answer that question.

It strikes me you need to be very careful at this point. He is looking out for himself only. You absolutely must protect yourself and your child financially, whether or not that means you continue with an amicable split.

toptramp · 12/04/2012 09:42

What a sad outcome to your story op but mabe in the long run it will be for the best. i don't think you were immature for pointing out he was in the wrong lane; it's a question of safety. And it certainly wasn't ok for him to drive off and leave you. This was obviously a sign that something was wrong.