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Original poster

To think Dh is totally out of order?

564 replies

Geordieminx · 05/03/2012 08:03

Wil try and be brief.

Trip to shopping centre yesterday lunch time. Dh who was been there as many times (dozens) as I have gets into wrong lane, starts stressing, I try and tell him (not very sympathetically) which lane, he gets cross, I apparently (not sure) spoke to him like crap.

Anyhoo, he tells me to fucking shut up, in front of ds (4). I tell him to apologise, he refuses. I get ds out of the car, and tell him to give me a ring once he has calmed down as ready to apologise for speaking to me like that. He tells me if I get out of the car he is going and I can make my own way home.

Thought he would calm down, things would be frosty but it would be ok. Only not. He didn't come back, rang him once, no answer.

So ds and I had to make our own way home. (didn't even have any house keys), bus then train then lift from friend, in the rain without any coats. We managed though.

He rocks home at 7.30, goes straight to bed and has made it clear he isn't speaking to me.

Argument aside I can't believe he just drove off and left us. Not quite sure what he expected us to do/get home/in. Thankfully my friend has a key.

Just seems like a total shit house thing to do, esp to a 4 year old who was totally aware of the situation and kept asking why daddy had left us, why he wouldn't come and get us Sad

Did I deserve it?

OP posts:
Bramshott · 05/04/2012 15:00

So sorry to read this GM Sad.

Jux · 05/04/2012 15:36

Oh Geordie, well done. You will have so much more of a life than the caged misery you have been in. You will need to get him properly away at some point though.

So, the first step of getting shit sorted - done! It's all uphill from here.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/04/2012 19:36

I'm ok. Trying to keep things civil for ds, and I am out as much as possible. Off to mums tomorrow because the thought of spending 4 days in the house isn't appealing.

Just getting through one day at a time

OP posts:
Jux · 05/04/2012 20:06

Recuperate in the arms of your mum so to speak. Does she know? How long can you stay there? A touch of normality is immeasurably helpful.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 05/04/2012 20:38

Yeah, my sis is up from London so it should be nice, will probably come home on Saturday, have Easter Sunday at home.

Am out with friends for dinner just now, miss this normal sorta stuff that he never wanted to do

OP posts:
midwife99 · 06/04/2012 09:52

How are you Geordie? Thinking of you & hoping you have a good weekend despite it all [hug]

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/04/2012 10:05

Well I was bloody naive to think he would be reasonable wasn't I? He hasn't been for the whole time we were married so he was unlikely to start now.

He wants the house sold ASAP and is divorcing me for adultery. Nice.

No mention of ds in his demands or venom. Fuck face

OP posts:
midwife99 · 06/04/2012 10:10

Oh Geordie - how dare he. He starves you of sex, affection & respect for years & expects you to sit there & take it forever. Let him have his divorce on whatever grounds he wants - in this country there is a no blame system so whatever shit he throws at you, if you have DC that's all that matters & you'll be housed & protected. Is he leaving? If not I would leave with DS straight away to get away from him - don't worry - leaving the house doesn't mean you lose your share of the property.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/04/2012 10:22

He is moving out next week apparently, and will pay half the mortgage but that is it... Not sure how he expects me to pay the rest.

Need to toughen up. And quick

OP posts:
midwife99 · 06/04/2012 10:47

Get onto CSA & child tax credits helpline NOW. Backdate it all to the date you agreed to split. He should pay half mortgage plus legally required child maintenance for now. If your tax credits etc mean you can't manage rest of mortgage phone bank & go onto interest only until house sold or a better divorce settlement makes it possible for you to stay. Actually I found it was wonderful to buy my own little house the ex had no history in or control over. My ex wanker actually stopped paying any of the mortgage when I finally got him out just to warn you but the bank were extremely helpful & held off as the house was on the market.

midwife99 · 06/04/2012 10:49

NB unless you earn alot you'll find the tax credits, reduced council tax & maintenance more than make up for what he contributes. I was actually better off (ex was a skinflint) Smile

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 10:50

Well he may want the house sold but he may find he's got a responsibility to house your ds for a while yet!

RandomMess · 06/04/2012 10:51

I agree phone tax credits today!

victorialucas · 06/04/2012 11:03

Are you married? Make sure you take copies of any paperwork proving his finances for future calculations of maintenance.

Sit down and try to write out a post split income and expenditure. You need to know what your financial situation will be.

Get an estate agent out to value the house. Work out the equity in it. If you are working you may be able to remortgage on your own.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/04/2012 11:22

He has all documents relating to his earnings at work. He is "self employed" earns minimum wage with a hug "dividend" every month. Can a lawyer demand to see them?

Earn about 14k. Before ds I was on £50k + Sad

OP posts:
RandomMess · 06/04/2012 11:27

Certainly the CSA can if his lifestyle doesn't match his declared income...

Original poster
Geordieminx · 06/04/2012 11:42

That's reassuring

OP posts:
midwife99 · 06/04/2012 11:50

Yes he has to produce to court bank statements & the infamous Form E if self employed which includes dividends & assets as well as wages. The courts are well used to self employed men trying to wangle out of it! The CSA probably less helpful as one size seems to fit all but you need to get evidence of his dividends quickly.

If you're only on 14k you'll get full help with childcare costs from tax credits I reckon so you'll be fine honestly.

midwife99 · 08/04/2012 06:50

How are you Geordie? I hope you have a nice Easter with your DS despite your STBXH's possible presence & influence. Hope you're ok. Sad

Original poster
Geordieminx · 08/04/2012 08:59

Just heading home from parents. Have spoken to him a couple of times, but only when I have rang him so that ds can speak to him Hmm

Gonna start round 2 of operation "getting my shit sorted" this week.

Am keen to keep it civil but tbh he has rarely been civil in the past 3 years so it's unlikely he will start now. It will be cool though.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 08/04/2012 17:10

geordie tell your solicitor about the no sex no affection thing. Please dont feel embarrassed about it. It is called neglect. "with my body i thee worship" this is the vow that HE BROKE and he broke it first. I once talked to a solicitor about this and he told me its a very grey area to sue for adultery where neglect has been involved.

happyoldhippie · 08/04/2012 17:22

Sounds like my DH, an arsehole, in other words. He sulks whenever I speak to him in 'the wrong way'.

I always end up apologising even if I'm not in the wrong, just to keep the damn peace.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 08/04/2012 17:45

Things have been ok this afternoon, I went and got the shopping/made dinner (for mine and ds's benefit more than his). Civil but obviously no talk of anything.

Gonna go and see FA this week, and also speak to benefits people.

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 08/04/2012 20:30

Ok I need an objective view.

We have chatted, he had apologized for being horrible at the end of last week.

He has suggested moving out into rented, paying half the mortgage ( in addition to some maintainence), and eventually when the house is sold ( when ds is 18?) the profit is split. Ob legal documents would need to be drawn up, but on the face of it it seems like a reasonable solution in that I wouldn't be able to take the mortgage on myself on my salary, and selling the house and buying somewhere else would cost thousands. Also keeps continuity for ds?

Am I being naive?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/04/2012 20:42

That's not unreasonable and it is quite normal to other clauses say if you meet a new partner and move them in or remarry that the house is sold then instead.

Even if you get to stay in the house for a couple of years it will help your ds with the continuity - and perhaps the housing market will improve!