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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/03/2012 10:04

Close Leaving hair straighteners downstairs is really not on a par with smearing shit all over the house and your pregnant partner, it's not even on the same page!

Agree with others who have said that if he was apologetic and cleaning up etc you could maybe talk about it..but it doesn't even sound like he's sorry, which speaks volumes

Regarding staying with his ex, it's a ploy to make you go "oh no, please don't". I'd pack him off with a cheer and a wave personally. Mind you, given what you've described I can't imagine she'd be delighted to see him.

Can you imagine the convo? Him: "Can I stay with you? Close has chucked me out cos I've shat all over her and the house when pissed. Her: "Why yes, I'd love that, you repulsive drunken man-child".

LaurieFairyCake · 04/03/2012 10:05

He's abusing you.

The problem is you don't know that right now.

He has you exactly where he wants you, of course he knows what going to stay with the ex would say, of course he knows what throwing the jeans out means.

Unless we're saying he's also thick as the shit he slept in?

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 10:05

I would find it hard to respect him having seen that tbh. Maybe an absolute one off where he was mortified and sorry but if he ever did it again I think I would see it as a reflection on how much I value myself and would show him the door.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 10:06

and now thesecondcoming if I were in your shoes I'd tell the ex what he was threatening,and tell her to stick a potty in his room in case he shits himself again.

i find it amazing how random strangers can make a literally shit situation feel so much better :)

he split from x before their son was born his now 9 so it has been years 10 years as he says. it could be 25 years and it still wouldnt make the situation feel any better in my head. maybe its pregnancy hormones making me irrational or what ever tbh i dont care.

OP posts:
YankNCock · 04/03/2012 10:10

I am just Shock that he is now threatening you with shacking up with his ex! After what he's done! Fucking git.

And he's behaving like this when you're heavily pregnant? I am not usually a 'leave the bastard' type person, but I'd really be considering whether I wanted to continue a relationship with this man.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 04/03/2012 10:13

Close, there's a saying that's used a lot on here - this man is telling you what he is like, please listen.

He is telling you that you should feel sorry for him because he hasn't slept.

He is telling you that you should feel so sorry for him that he's forced to go and sleep at his exes house.

He is telling you that the baby you carry (and to whom you could pass the e coli or whatever else he's shat all over the house if you're unlucky) mean less to him than a pair of jeans.

You sound so lovely, I hate to think of you back on here in a years time when he throws his potty around again.

fuzzpig · 04/03/2012 10:14

His ex is welcome to him, IMO. I wonder if they split up for similar reasons...

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 10:18

scone youve made me cry. which admittingly recently isnt a rare thing but its more out of wow someone saying something/thinking something nice about me.

i know things arent great but theres that old chesnut of 'i love him/cant imagine my life without him'.

i did tell him though i want things to work and i will probably love him forever. but if things dont improve there will come a time when i think although i love him i dont want to be around him and we will have to seperate.

OP posts:
Squeegle · 04/03/2012 10:20

Good for you for suggesting he stays with his parents. This is totally disrespectful behaviour. From what you have said it sounds like he often has a problem knowing when to stop, and while this is the first time this has happened, it sounds like there have been many other drunken occasions.

With the benefit(?) of the experience of having a DP who drinks until he falls over, and then has some more, I would recommend setting some clear boundaries for yourself- ie what you will and what you will not put up with.

I didnt do this, and ten years and 2DCs later, we are still having problems with his drinking, and im trying to get him to leave. It's a real red flag for you- so do treat it seriously, and don't brush it under the carpet, as it won't improve when baby arrives! Sorry you had such a hideous night, I really feel for you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/03/2012 10:21

Close

I think your man is now showing you what he is really like. Abusive types often do when their woman is pg. He does not respect you at all; the only person he cares about is his own selfish manchild self.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 10:23

he is unrepentant?
and threatening to go off in huff to ex if you dont cool it
he's just a boorish pig
you need to seriously reevaluate the re argol ship, with a baby on way he should be kind,considerate and accommodating to your needs, like a good respectful man would

what's the situation with
1.finances?do you have individual or joint acc

  1. accommodation? is it your home or joint rental/mortgage

what pals or family do you have to support you
let GP and me know if you're getting stressed,monitor the pg and your health

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 10:24

This isn't about loving him its about loving YOU!

garlicbutter · 04/03/2012 10:25

Close, you're so grown up! Your baby's lucky to be having you as a mother :)

You certainly deserve better than the - er, shitty treatment you're getting from him. Have a soothing time with your family, and do feel free to discuss all this in detail with your brother!

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 10:25

you seriously need to reevaluate relationship with baby on the way
he is selfish boor

amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 10:25

Close, who is going to be cleaning the house if you're out all day and he's going to his parent's and then his ex's?

saggarmakersbottomknocker · 04/03/2012 10:26

Amen to that noddy. Put yourself and your baby first Close. Yo deserve better you really do.

rookiemater · 04/03/2012 10:27

Ok lets try another angle and assume he isn't a massive walking poo.

Let's assume he is a normal bloke who somehow got so entirely sh-tfaced that he crapped himself.

He did make some attempt to clean himself up although drunk so didn't do a very good job of it.

He is now massively hungover and embarassed by his actions.

At this time there is no point in discussing it further, he's hungover you are tired and whatever is said will not be helpful. I'm glad you are going out. I would leave a note saying effectively what you have said yourself
" I love you but what you did last night disgusted me. If you love me then you will ensure that the house is clean by the time I come back later this afternoon and this will never happen again"

If you come back and the house has been cleaned properly, well at least he has made the effort - doesn't excuse the night before but shows you that he is willing to try, if it isn't then I'm sorry but I wouldn't let him in again.

oiwheresthecoffee · 04/03/2012 10:29

Honestly he should be begging your forgiveness, making your breakfast and swearing it will never ever happen again. And buying you something nice to say sorry.
Not being an arse the way he is right now.

rookiemater · 04/03/2012 10:30

Oh and for those who think that cleaning a grown man's shit up is small beer compared to looking after a baby, you must be mental.

I have a 5 year old so I have cleaned up plenty of baby and toddler crap in my time including explosive diarroeah on the carpet , but it's completely different as the person you are doing it for is unable to clear it up themselves. Therein lies the fundamental difference.

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2012 10:31

Oh his ex must be a pretty sad thing if she'd let him stay there after walking out on her when she was pregnant.

OP, I don't think this is a healthy relationship at all.

In your position last night I think you should have taken a taxi to a hotel, leaving a note for him saying you'd be back when you had a spotless house and a sincere apology. I would have got his mum to inspect the house before I went back.

He's really disgusting. I couldn't get past it, to be honest.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 10:31

we have a individual accounts and a joint account what the bills are paid from.

quite frankly if i left now i would be fucked. i left work to finish of my degree so have just been voluntering which has been brilliant lots less stress fitting in pregnant, work and a dissertation. however brilliant that is as im aware i wont get any financial help or anything as dp will be supporting me. so for the first few months of babys life i will be completely dependant on him until i go back into work. right now that is sending me the creepers. i have no idea what i would do

OP posts:
garlicbutter · 04/03/2012 10:34

Tell it to your family. They might have some ideas.

rookiemater · 04/03/2012 10:34

He knows that as well close, hence he thinks he can do what he wants as you have no option but to stay. If it doesn't work out it will be hard but you will cope.

The only way that I can see this working is if you stand up for yourself, not through words but through actions, so please get yourself dressed, write a note and get out of the house. Nothing you can say to him now will help the situation in any way at all.

amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 10:35

Can you go to your parent's house and stay there until you've got your head round it and he's sobered up?

ImperialBlether · 04/03/2012 10:35

Not exactly.

If you rented somewhere, you'd get housing benefit which would cover most of it. You'd get income support. You would also have money from him for child support. It might not be what you want, financially, but if it brings peace of mind, you might find it's worth it.