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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 05/03/2012 18:28

OP you said in your first post you had been having chats for weeks about him leaving mess, and that he was going to make a huge effort...

Is this an example of 'the things he said which have show me how he actually feels'? Because words are easy, it's actions that speak louder.

He chose to go on a bender wth a mate rather than a nice meal with you, something you both will have little time for when baby comes.

What did happen between him and his ex when she was pregnant? It may give you some clue as to what he is thinking here.

The threat to go to his ex was made sober, how do you square that with his romorse the next day?

Dorsetyke · 05/03/2012 18:31

My friend's exOH used to beat her up...say sorry, didn't know why he'd done it...she'd be happy and make excuses for him. Then he'd beat her up...say sorry, didn't know why he'd done it...perhaps buy her chocolates...she'd be happy and make excuses for him. Then he'd beat her up...

She got pregnant thinking a baby would be the glue they needed...It didn't make a difference.

He'd continue to beat her up...buy her flowers...

Then he got to telling her if she left him no one else would have her...threaten her life.

He'd continue to beat her up...buy her flowers...

You get the picture?

After years of abuse my friend took a MASSIVE risk and left (after making preparations). Thank God she did. She's happy with a respecful partner and now says she couldn't see the signs and thought THAT was love.

Some relationships are toxic and whilst a partner continues to enable; thinking they can mend things, their own self esteem gets trodden on!

THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT YOURSELF AND YOUR BABYAND GET SUPPORT TO LOOK AT ALL YOUR OPTIONS!

amistillsexy · 05/03/2012 18:37

Close , he was obviously really, really pissed on Saturday night, and would have still been pissed on Sunday morning when you were going out. He was also coming round and realising the full horror of what he'd done. Very few of us are able to deal well with being hideously embarrassed, totally in the wrong and pissed/feeling like crap(literally!) all at the same time.

That is NOT to say I have any sympathy for him at all, but only you know what has been said before, during and after this horrible weekend.

It sounds as if you have the support of your in-laws, and that is a good thing, because they will back you up and look after you should anything like this ever happen again.

I also think that he has done his best, on sobering up, to make amends. I don't see what else he could do right now, to be honest, and so long as he carries on in this vein, you will be OK. If he ever does it again, you have had plenty of advice here about what to do!

I do hope you and your dp are soon back on an even keel, and that this is the wake-up call he needs.

perfumedlife · 05/03/2012 18:49

Chist on a bike, if that's his best I'd hate to see his worst Hmm

mathanxiety · 05/03/2012 18:56

'It's more the things that he has said which have shown me how he actually feels. '

Do you mean the things he has said have shown you he feels no regard for you at all or that the things he has said have reassured you?

'I know he has said he would go before but I think he has even shocked himself how far things went this time.' Words were spoken before, and yet you are seemingly happy that the new words are going to be the ones he means? If he had really shocked himself he would have (1) cleaned it up promptly and (2) not said any of that stuff about going to stay with his ex.

I think he is watching you closely to see what he can get away with and sending you a signal that you cannot rely on him in any way when the baby is here.

As PerfumedLife says, compare and contrast the words and the actions. You need to get to the bottom of what happened with the ex.

As for what else can he do? He should buy brand new sheets for everyone and he should pay for a thorough fumigation of every single surface in the house, mattresses included.

Urinating or defecating is a form of territory marking and it is a very primitive power play when a man does it in a house away from the toilet. This man marked beds and floors and rendered a bathroom unusable. You should make it clear that you cannot live with anything that his crap may have even come close to.

mathanxiety · 05/03/2012 18:57

I think the build up to this claiming of his territory, his right to do anything he wishes in his castle, has been going on for weeks.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 05/03/2012 19:01

Oh no I'm not defending him im just a bit clueless how you actually go about making up for something like this so that me asking a question not like 'well what the hell you expect him to do'.

I think doing what he did before he went to work is a good start but whats the next level of making things up?

Him and his x where never going to work apparently just different people and that's pretty much what his mum said too.

OP posts:
moonhoney · 05/03/2012 19:03

Sorry but after he has redecorated your house with shit, chocolate would be a no go.Sad

Original poster
Close2breaking · 05/03/2012 19:20

Tbh I think if we looked at the cost of fumigation I myself wouldn't think it was worth it rightly or wrongly so. He has cleaned everything up and it wasn't as if he has literally smeared it over walls.

When children have accidents would a fumigation be suggested then? It was on his clothes, our sheet and although no visible marks he got in dss bed without being properly clean. All of these things have been hand washed and washed properly. The down stairs loo has also been cleaned up.

Yes it's disgusting what happened but IMO money could be better spent. If we had thousands in the bank I would probably think differently

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 05/03/2012 19:26

You're right to be a bit clueless about the making up for this. The fact is, you can't make up for it.

He can't undo prioritising his ds over his pregnant wife's safety and comfort on Sunday, he can't undo threatening to sleep at his ex's house and he can't undo the previous issues around drink and mess. These things are his way of telling you, showing you what he thinks, and what he thinks is it's his way or the high way.

You actually went into the doctors office with him to ensure he asked for help and he didn't utter a word. What will it take to make you see what this man really is?

AnyFucker · 05/03/2012 19:27

Close2, I am disgusted with your husband, but if you have forgiven him, then you don't need to keep coming back to thrash it out, honestly

you know where we are if you need us again though

AnyFucker · 05/03/2012 19:29

x-posted with you, PL

my post wasn't in direct response to yours, love

faeriemoo · 05/03/2012 19:36

Glad that you are feeling brighter today close I have everything crossed that you can get things back on track, but remember this issue was just one of many, and you should still deal with the problems you've been having prior to this blow-out (fnar,fnar!)

I do have to ask though, is human faeces genuinely dangerous to pregnant women?? You mean I could have gotten out of changing a toddlers shitty nappies whilst pregnant with no 2? (no pun intended that time)

Lueji · 05/03/2012 19:43

I'm glad he has finally done the right thing. Only too late.

I'd monitor him closely and let him know (and carry through) that any further such behaviour (both drunkeness and not cleaning immediately after himself) would mean the end of the relationship.

I hope he has indeed grown up and will be able to support you as you and your child deserve.

Lueji · 05/03/2012 19:45

BTW, it would be dangerous if he had diarrhoea and it was caused by a bug.
As it seems that it was due to the alcohol, it's probably fairly safe. Or at least not more dangerous than the normal toilet exposure we all have.

Selks · 05/03/2012 19:48

Some rather OTT posts on here imo. Some people on here who seem to be getting off on stirring up the drama.

Fumigation is not necessary of course if all affected areas have had a thorough clean with bleach etc.

What you do now in terms of your relationship is of course up to you OP. You are not daft, you know what the issues are. Best wishes.

perfumedlife · 05/03/2012 20:05

I know AF and you make a fair point. There is no need to convince us of his intentions. Seems like op does want to hear it'll all be allright on the night though Sad I just can't see it.

Tattyhead78 · 05/03/2012 20:23

I'm sorry if it sounds dramatic and I am not in the habit of telling people to "leave the bastard". However, I think an HV would have major concerns about animal excrement in a house, let alone human excrement, which is a new low. It would surely raise alarm bells about neglect. I'm not even sure the father would be allowed contact - certainly not outside a contact centre - in such a situation were the OP minded to raise this issue herself in any dispute.

Selks · 05/03/2012 20:40

Yes well I expect the OP was not going to let the house stay shitted up Tatty....... sigh

SconeInSixtySeconds · 05/03/2012 20:41

I'm with AF. Good luck with your beautiful baby. xx

Jokat · 05/03/2012 20:52

Close, sorry I haven't had time to read all of this thread yet but my dh and I have just read up to the bit where you've come home and he hadn't done any cleaning at all, and we both cannot believe how shockingly he has behaved Angry We feel so sorry for you :(
I shall get back to the messages and keep reading...

Calamityboo · 05/03/2012 20:53

Hiya op, like I said before, if you are happy, we should be happy. There is a fair amount of flaming of you, unfairly, all you have done is tried to move on from a really shitty weekend. You know your dp, and you know if he is being sincere.

I am with af on this, go, be happy with your new baby, and come back to us whenever you need us. Thanks

Flamey, judgey pants leave op to it!!

AnyFucker · 05/03/2012 20:57

No, I don't think OP is getting flamed. I think people are concerned she is settling for this horrible behaviour, and bringing a baby into the mix. People are concerned, no more and no less.

Selks · 05/03/2012 21:00

I don't think she's bring flamed either. I didn't say that.

There have been a lot of good posts on here and I agree wholeheartedly that she shouldn't settle for this behaviour......but by the sound of it she is not. Over dramatic responses are not going to help her either though.

Anyway, I've said what I wanted to say on that so I'll shut up.

Tattyhead78 · 05/03/2012 21:16

Sorry, I don't mean to flame. However, I find it hard to disguise my shock at this. It's so vile it's not even human. I feel that the OP needs to hear that it's not normal and it's not acceptable for a child to be brought up in such an environment. I am not sure why I find it so shocking. Perhaps physical violence is so commonplace that it's not as shocking as this.