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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
Squeegle · 04/03/2012 10:38

Even if you don't go today, it dies sound as though it would be useful to have some alternative plans. Is there anyone you can talk to in RL? You will be under his thumb when baby arrives and you'll be vulnerable to his whims.

SconeInSixtySeconds · 04/03/2012 10:39

I'm so sorry - didn't mean to make you cry.

What worries me is that the first few months are really tough even if you have a loving supportive partner, it will be much harder to think seriously about the future of your relationship once the baby comes.

Why not have a look at the 'what am I entitled to' website - it might make things a little less scary.

NewYearsDaysie · 04/03/2012 10:39

Get yourself to the shops or alternatively...online shopping is wonderful for preggers people..all the fun of the browsing and you can have a sit down and the coffee and cake at the same time! I really hope its clean when you get home ...otherwise I'd try rubbing his nose in it like they used to do with puppies to train them Grin I'm waiting for my DH to get up to apologise to him. You have every right to be livid with yours.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 10:40

yes i guess it all speaks volumes that he is still asleep on his sons bed after making the great effort of throwing a pair of jeans in the bin. while im on here trying to make sense of a bloody aweful situation

infact lots speaks volumes about the relationship i just dont feel right now i can say i dont want to try and make it work. although im only responsible for 50% of this relationship, so he has got to be committed to making a change. i do know that i deserve better then this and i can honestly say if things dont make a improvement i wont sit around for months/years thinking what a state my life has become. no matter what finanical situation it would land me in i am sure that i deserve better

OP posts:
Tattyhead78 · 04/03/2012 10:42

I'm not normally one to say "leave him", but if this happens again when the baby arrives, how do you think a Health Visitor is going to react? Don't you think the HV might have serious concerns about the child's welfare, living in a house where human excrement is smeared over the walls?

noddyholder · 04/03/2012 10:42

You sound strong and I hope you can carry it through as you and your child deserve better. Cannot believe he is still asleep Shock

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 10:42

you are individually able to claim income support, hb
you would get. state benefits,not a lot, but still something
there is support from mv and hv
it will be bloody hard, but plenty enough women on mn have been single parents and they can share that and you'll not be first you'll not be last

his lack of regard for you is shocking

you don't need to feel emotionally or financially dependent upon a cruel distant adult

Squeegle · 04/03/2012 10:44

You do deserve better, no doubt about that, he sounds very self centred. Please take it seriously and consider alternatives.

amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 10:46

close, you don't have to make any decisions about your future now, today.

It is never a good idea to make big decisions like that without having had a good night's sleep, in a house full of shit.

You just need to literally put some distance between you and the house and him.

Deal with the decisions when you've heard what he has to say when he's sober...and has had an appointment with Mr Muscle and Mrs Marigold!

amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 10:47

That is not to say that I don't think you should leave the bastard...just that I don't think you don't have to work it all out now, on top of everything else.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 10:49

oh gosh you have me crying again.

im so, so grateful for all of you taking the time to 'talk' to me on here. you have really, really made a massive difference to this shit situation for me.

my brother has just phoned and is on the way to pick me up so i have to go. i think ill need about a hour to make my face look human never mind anything else.

i promise that i shall be back to read and reply to anymore comments. ive had a quick look at that website thank you for the link :). i have my phone so if anything else dramatic happens i shall most probably come crying to you all on there.

Thanks all round! and i hope you have a much nicer day then mine

OP posts:
amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 10:54
Thanks

You deserve lots of these.

If yourshitty 'd'p has anything about him, the house will be full of them when you get home.

Be sure to tell your brother why your house smells of shit, and where your 'd'p is, won't you?

Squeegle · 04/03/2012 10:54

Glad your brothers coming to get you, hope you day improves, and don't feel you have to cover things upSmile

Llareggub · 04/03/2012 10:56

Binge drinkers like your chap are the worst kind of alcoholics, because they have no idea that they have a problem. My ex started off like yours, binge drinking, and progressed to become mentally ill and hospitalised for alcoholism. It truly is a terrible way to live and I urge you to get out now. I can't tell you how ground down I became, trying to make him change. It is so much easier as a single parent of 2 children, I can tell you, than dealing with the constant drama of life with a problem drinker.

catsmother · 04/03/2012 10:56

Whatever else you may or may not decide to do it's absolutely intolerable that you have to remain in those conditions. I'd be telling him that if it's not properly cleaned up by (whatever time you think's reasonable) you'll be calling a specialist cleaning company, at HIS expense - who'll charge an arm and a leg for this sort of unpleasantness and it being Sunday.

Maybe the threat of strangers seeing how revolting he is might make him think twice ??

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 10:56

and prioritise your health and well being
keep touch with uni if need extensions etc

WelshMoth · 04/03/2012 10:59

He chucks his jeans as he cannot bear the thought of them covered in his crap. He's happy to sleep happily on though, whilst you tolerate the crap and the smell, and he's also probably hoping or expecting you'll clean it up too.

Nice that he threatens you to stay with his ex. Call his bluff, tell him he's welcome to, once he cleans his own mess up. Add that you'll be warning his ex to arm herself with plenty of wipes, disinfectant and air freshner.

I truly hope, that when you return, your home will be sparkling, and clean. I hope he cooks you dinner/cuddles you and makes you a cuppa, and shows how thoroughly ashamed of himself he is.

You deserve no less. No less.

If he doesn't, then this doesn't bode well. I hate to tell you this OP, I really do. But the way he deals with this situation, will speak volumes about how he sees your relationship.

GeekLove · 04/03/2012 11:03

Didn't want to read and run but I am glad that you are going away from that place. If he shows no concern about fouling himself, what concern will he show about his offspring?

Onesunnymorningin2012 · 04/03/2012 11:08

More Thanks from me OP, what a horrible situation. x

AmberLeaf · 04/03/2012 11:13

Has he shat himself while drunk before?

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 12:08

Hello
Haven't read posts since i posted last as I'm currently stood in rain on the side line.

I had the sense before I left to put the washer on a 3 hour cycle incase he had thoughts of putting it all in the wash. Even though in my note I in HUGE caps said do not touch my washer

Lo and behold he has text saying he was going to put the wash on. So I explained I don't want it stinking of shit told him he can wash it all at his mothers.

Bin them as well then.... I've been a Dick and don't want you knowing let alone others!!!

That was his reply. I've said if he wants to replace everything that's fine. Also said that I wanted sleep but unfortunately
It wasn't a choice I got.

I don't really no whats going on or what to expect. I hope his made a effort in the downstairs loo which tbh I won't be shocked I don't think if I get home and his done nothing.

I also mentioned the lack of respect with him making no effort to clean it up and just throwing the jeans etc.

I'm rambling sorry I dont really have anyone to rant too. Parents have asked if in ok though I apparently look very pale and nakered :(

I thought he was asleep when I left but then I got a text saying. 'by' thats it. Sort of like cheers for making the effort to tell me you were leaving.

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 12:11

No he has never to my knowledge shit himself while drunk before. He said he doesn't know how, when, why it happened. I've gone over too many times with him that he obviously wasn't out of it to get undressed in the conservatory put his jeans in the wash and get rid of his boxers somewhere.

OP posts:
flippinada · 04/03/2012 12:13

Do you feel you can tell your mum and dad what's happening Close - do you have that sort of relationship?

Hope you can get some rest.

TinyPants · 04/03/2012 12:18

Well it sounds like he is ashamed of himself and trying to clean up so that is something!

Hope you are ok, try not to worry and let him get on with the cleaning today and speak to him when you get back, hopefully to a clean house in which you can both get a much-needed early night, if all goes well.

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 12:21

I cant believe what this man has done, let alone his failure to make good and clean up after himself.

The fact that he (allegedly) doesnt know how it happened does not mean that he shouldnt have to clean it all up.
he should be utterly ashamed and desperate to make amends to you.

This is the kind of thing that dogs who have been allowed to feel too important do...defecate on someones bed to show their displeasure