Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

[Close2breaking]

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

Good luck for the future, OP

I am with you boobmeister, this thread was seriously off point for a while, but well done OP, it may be 24 hours late but he got there, sounds like your having a well deserved

And ladies if OP is happy then so are we

"He is phoning the number for the alcohol support service before work apparently too".

Do you know if he has actually done this or it is all talk and no action?. This was a man who only went to one AA meeting after all before quitting. What is so different this time really?.

Words are cheap, actions speak far louder than words. And he has done far too little and far too late. You're worth far more than some token cleaning, chocs and a cream cake. Pity you do not readily realise this.

You sell yourself well short by accepting this from him.

yes, good luck op.

Please please take care of yourself emotionally and physically. IMO it's NOT okay that it took him over 24 hours to clean up ... and I really do hope he did a deep clean, with disinfectant and bleach etc. In the meantime, you were exposed to a situation which would turn most people's stomachs, let alone someone who's pregnant, and also to an extremely unhealthy environment. Come to think of it, given the state he was in, who knows where he might have touched ... sorry to be gross, but it's not just the obvious signs of fouling I'd be worried about, but also door handles, door frames, loo handle, light switches, kitchen worktops ...... I very much doubt he thoroughly washed his hands before lumbering all round the house, and there are probably germs spread everywhere you can't see. I'm really not trying to scaremonger - but that's a real concern. The house NEEDS a deep clean top to bottom to ensure it's clean and to make sure you don't pick up something nasty.

Practicalities aside, he threatened/goaded you with going to stay with his ex while all this was going on - just to add insult to injury. How does some chocolate make up for that, and for his general lack of respect ? Has he shown any mortification yet ? ("cleaning" does NOT = shame) Has he begged your forgiveness and/or even begun to explain his behaviour ? ... I don't mean getting pissed and losing control, I mean the contempt with which he treated you subsequently.

At the very least, I think, if you're going to stay with him, you need to attend counselling. That is, in addition to him seeking help for the drinking (time will tell if he's serious about that). Yes ... by all means, speak to friends and family about this too (it's not something you should be ashamed of) but you need to try and get to the bottom of what's going on. There is NO justification for how you've been treated that I can think of.

Couldn't have put it better myself catsmother really hope everything works out op and you finally start getting the respect and kindness you deserve and wishing you all the best with your beautiful dc :)

I'm with boob and calamity. I'm glad its been sorted out OP. enjoy your cake and chocolate! :)

What a dick!

OP I never thought I would see this as a resolution so I am really pleased for you.

I'm with calamity, for sure there are still issues to resolve but if the OP is happy with the outcome then who are we to question it.

Glad you called his mother. You are going to need support down the road.

Wishing you all the best with the baby.

I suggest you get your H to call a cleaning company to do a deep cleaning and disinfection of the house, every surface and carpeting and upholstery too, with the cost borne by him. I would say it is still a pigsty to all intents and purposes and will still need serious work before you will be able to have a newborn living in it. A stomach bug could do horrible things to a baby.

Ah hell - Look I can't imagine (for which I am quite glad) how gross this all must have been. It was completely self-inflicted so no sympathy here but the day after a bender you do feel very unwell. No sympathy but it is genuine physical illness (albeit self-inflicted) the following day and the DP was undoubtedly not up to doing much. No excuses but to a large extent I think the night before and the day after are all part of the same "crime". It is his actions from today on that matter the most. I hope he makes a genuine effort to get better.

Plug-ins hide the smell, they don't mean that he's cleaned properly.

He left the house covered in shit for over 24 hours.

I agree you're selling yourself short with a cake and chocolates. I think that's what your headache is telling you as well. This isn't a healthy situation (literally) for you to be in.

Get rid of the plugins, they are probably causing your headache. Full of neurotoxins, terrible things for babies!

This might be a bit odd, but when my DH started a habit of peeing in our room with drink, I got really annoyed and in the heat of it posted on a message board that our friends went on (this was before facebook)

He got so much ridicule that I kind of regretted it...but he has never done it since.

Also, be careful with accepting AA etc as a resolution to drinking issues. Back when DH was being an arse, he used going to an AA meeting as a get out clause. I think even he believed that he could be as much of an arse as he liked if he just popped along to a meeting every now and again.

Luckily he is now much less of an arse and in fact lovely, but he will get very, very short shrift if he tries any of that on ever again.

Ok i will tell you what an ex of mine did.
I was round at his one weekend and he didnt tell me that he had diarrheaoa. We were in bed and he kept getting up to go to the loo. I figured there was something wrong and he had had a greasy Indian takeaway the night before.
And then he crapped the bed. He said "he thoght it was safe enough to try and fart"! Then he got out some baby wipes and preceeded to wipe the bottom sheet with them. He then asked me if i wanted him to change the sheets FFS! He did when i replied "Well what do you think?!
When he was going to the loo i couldnt hear the tap running.(there were other issues in the relationship including his tightwaddery. he was very tight with water and used to shout at me if i took more than three mins in the shower.) I suspect he was wiping his hands with baby wipes rather than washing them.
He shouted at me when i gave him a painkiller and then told him it was Anadin saying he was allergic (his own fault for being too tight to buy painkillers of his own.)
Later that night i went to the toilet and found a baby wipe covered in shit on his bathroom shelf.
And he could NOT understand why i went home early and then dumped his sorry arse.

carer that man sounds like he has poo issues

glad you dumped (see what you did there...) him from a great height

Hello Close2. Here's what I think. I think he was waiting to see if you'd clean it for him. Now - it's good that you never did but it's not good that he even thought he could give that a go. And he pushed you very hard to clean up his shit.

Regardless of what he does, I think you should consider contacting Al Anon. All the best.

I agree, Longtalljosie. Maybe from panic about the imminent arrival of the baby, maybe he needs a mummy and behaved like a helpless but not entirely innocent toddler (though that tantrum he threw when he threatened to go to his ex's was impressive).

I think you need to make him pay for a thorough fumigation of the house, because my guess is he did a completely half arsed job and there has to be some consequence of this for him that will make him think twice about doing it again (see WordsAreNoUse's post).

what the actual fuck??

you poor thing OP. I feel sorry for you. I know pity is not nice but seriously, poor you.

you MUST get a professional company to come and deep clean your whole house. As others have said your newborn could contract something serious from all his shitty germs everywhere.

Glad you're happy and it must be very hard being heavily pregnant with all this going on but you realise you're basically telling him it's ok to treat you like complete shit as long as he buys you some chocs..... I feel a bit sad that that's enough for you...

p.s. did we clarify that he wasn't sexually assaulted? That was the only point i felt sympathy for this shitty chap

I think that possibility was discounted on the grounds that shitting is no evidence of it, and, um, he never mentioned it.

Sorry have been back to sleep.

I've read all the posts but I'm on my phone so I can't see them all to reply too sorry if I miss things

No he has cleaned things properly gloves bleach etc all in the bin. Hand washed things in a bucket and that's now in the bin.

The plug ins were because I said I liked the smell of them the other day but at £9.20 like hell was a buying one. I didn't know about them not being too good when pregnant though.

No chocolates and a cream cake does not make up for it but I guess it's just something nice for me. It's more the things that he has said which have shown me how he actually feels.

How else would you suggest that he makes up for it?

No AA isn't the solution to this problem. Him not drinking is the solution and going to see someone about it is going to help him achieve that. I know he has said he would go before but I think he has even shocked himself how far things went this time.

How else would you suggest that he makes up for it?
Close 2 that is classic enabling behaviour jumping on the defensive like that.
There is a baby involved here. What if he had done this after babys arrival?
He smeared shit over his sons bed for Gods sake.