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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help i have no idea how to deal with this... Regarding dp beyond drunk, A bit gross

449 replies

Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 00:51

Im so upset right now its beyond belief.

Bit of background, Me and Dp have been having 'chats' now over the last couple of weeks about how im getting seriously pee'd of with things around the house. Things like clean clothes and washing being dumped on the floor, shoes coats etc being dumped anywhere, stuff not being put back where it belongs. Im masssively pregnant and have pgp so ive explained things are getting much harder and more painful for me to do. He agrees yes ok fair point he will be more aware to try not to make more work for me to do then needed

Tonight. He goes out 'for a few' with friend we shall call X instead of me and him going for a meal. Thats fine in itself but i no when X and him are together it tends to turn into a few hundred drinks. Left me sat up waiting as he wouldnt be late. He left at 6 maybe and has just strolled through up to bed. Saw him getting out of the taxi walking rather strange so i think wonderful his drunk.

He gets in bed and i think wow he stinks of alcohol and well... crap. Say have you trumped? No. ok awesome walk down stairs to get a drink this smell is horrific. I find his tshirt on the conservatory floor with shit smears all over it. His jeans full of crap in the washer. Have a cry and go upstairs to get him out of bed. Stands up obviously hasnt been bothered to wash or even wipe theres now crap all over half the bed and some on myself. Im mentally breaking down at this point. His obviously sat on the sofa too as it stinks. Send him for a bath which he apparently has had and cleaned himself and i then find 'it' all over some towels. the downstairs toilet looks like both ends have exploaded and stinks beyond anything ive ever known.

Ive tried to get anything out of him like WTF has happened, why didnt he do anything about it, where the hell his boxers are, why the hell did he get in bed next to me like that. apparently he didnt know. which is bollox because if he hadnt known he would have got undressed upstairs and he wouldnt have put his jeans in the wash.

I dont know what i ever expect anyone to say but obviously i dont feel i can rant about this in RL so even if no one says anything its off my chest a little :) . Seriously where do i take it from here? What am i suppose to say to him.

And no i am not the poo troll unfortunatly this is what my sat night has become and i have name changed

OP posts:
faeriemoo · 04/03/2012 20:21

From a different angle close2 I can completely understand why, if you reckon your relationship is in anyway salvageable, you are reluctant to spill the beans to his nearest and dearest.

What is it that he can say or do to make this all okay for you again?

GColdtimer · 04/03/2012 20:30

Read this in the early hours and posted. Thought I would come and check on you and am horrified on your behalf. I agree you need to call your in laws, or faint that the friend he went out with last night (say you can't wake the drunken fucker up). You cannot stay in a house covered in shut and nor should you leave. He still won't clear it up and will just head of to work tomorrow. He needs to be thoroughly shamed. You are not doing yourself any favours by covering for him.

I am really quite angry on your behalf.

Dorsetyke · 04/03/2012 20:33

Sounds like this man is an alcoholic and you are an enabler.

You need to leave him, get yourself some family support and some counselling to gain some self esteem back and realise all those past chances you have given him and the excuses you have made for him, because you cared, have actually encouraged him to continue drinking.

ONLY return once he is well down the road to recovery. If he really wants to put you and the baby before the drink he will get clean.

He will never begin to change whilst he has an enabler to lean on.

Sorry to sound so cold but it is YOU that needs the initial help and understanding.

PooPooInMyToes · 04/03/2012 20:34

I never want to tell people when there are problems in my relationship either. I am private about some things like that. I wouldn't want everyone knowing my business. I must say though that I've had more then one very bad relationship with violence, controlling behaviour, extreme jealousy, I've even been practically kept prisoner in his home and had one try to push me out a window. These things would never have happened if i had told someone. Keeping it secret allows it to continue.

I can't blame you, I've done the same.

amistillsexy · 04/03/2012 20:42

It sounds like he's agreed to contact someone to tackle his drinking.

The first step on the road to redemption has to be CLEANING UP THE SHIT!!!

Close, please make sure you don't touch it, and he cleans thoroughly. You will get ill if you start to deal with it now, after it's had a day of bacterial growth.

He has to use disinfectant and clean down everywhere thoroughly.

And he has to do it quickly.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 04/03/2012 20:53

I hope you are ok and getting some rest

I would be tempted to tell him that the house is spotless before he leaves for work tomorrow or you will be asking his parents to come and help clean it up

oldraver · 04/03/2012 21:02

Phone his parents now and ask if you can stay there till he's cleaned up and tell him what you are doing

Kyyria · 04/03/2012 21:02

Speechless....

carernotasaint · 04/03/2012 21:10

Wonder how he would see things if his boss or colleagues found out what hes done.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 21:13

Well I sent message to his dad saying I wanted to speak to his mum at some point and apologised for the actual need of getting in contact with them. He has replied and said she will give me a call in the morning. Not quite sure how I'll start that convo but oh well

I've been asleep for a couple of hours thankfully :) our bed was clean because he took the sheets of last night. it was just bare of bedding and I couldn't get any last night. Not that I actually have any other sheets to fit this bed so I've made do with a duvet cover for the time being.

His kept saying about how is he suppose to do anything when he couldn't use the washer. And I know some people thought that was a bit questionable why I put it on so he couldn't use it. But those jeans etc are rather quite soiled and could do with a quick hand wash before going in the washer. So I've said that. He is apparently going to do that all tmz. So as we stand he hasn't actually done naff all to clean up I don't think

OP posts:
SconeInSixtySeconds · 04/03/2012 21:14

Close, I know that some people thought I was jumping the gun a bit up there, posting the link to entitled to.

I also know the fear of living with a binging alcoholic, it can feel as if you are subconsciously counting the days/weeks/months until the next disaster.

It's scary, really scary, to imagine leaving. What you need to work out is how scary it is to stay. If you've got as far as AlAnon once then his drinking obviously bothers you, please think about the behaviour this will show your baby is acceptable as it grows.

Nyac · 04/03/2012 21:16

Bucket of napisan I'd have thought. Who puts shitty stuff straight in a washing machine?

You did right to turn it for three hours.

Nyac · 04/03/2012 21:17

Has he not even cleaned the bath? How disgusting.

Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 21:17

The sofa didnt/doesn't have any actual mess on it so I'm not too sure why it smelt so bad last night so at least that's another thing that is safe.

Maybe if mum comes round tmz she will still see the actual products of his night out. may be a good thing because I honestly think if someone told me all this I'd be a bit yeah over exaggerating a little.

OP posts:
Original poster
Close2breaking · 04/03/2012 21:19

No his rinsed the bath out too. Albeit just with water im guessing.

Sorry my heads not thinking very straight

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 04/03/2012 21:21

He needs to get his fuckin act together and do it NOW. The reason hes said that he will do it tommorrow is cos hes hoping you will do it while hes at work.
You could try telling him that you will be telling EVERYONE what hes done unless he cleans up NOW including the HANDwashing of soiled items and that includes all his friends and work colleagues.

carernotasaint · 04/03/2012 21:22

He needs to clean and DISINFECT the bath properly.

GnomeDePlume · 04/03/2012 21:22

You need to stop protecting him from the consequences. You need to tell him that it isnt just you who knows he soiled himself while drunk. There is a taxi driver who will know for certain (and may come with a bill at some point). There will also be the people he was with at the time this happened. Plus there will be every single person who had the misfortune to stand downwind of him.

Very soon his parents are also going to know that their toilet training efforts were in vain.

At the moment he probably thinks this is a dirty little secret. It isnt.

You need to get that deep clean booked.

perfumedlife · 04/03/2012 21:23

He doesn't love you op. He isn't capable of loving anyone in a mature way. He bailed out on his last pregnant partner, he is most likely trying to push you away. He has big problems, whether that's alcoholism or abuse or both, you don't have the luxury of time to sit around working that out.

You are about to bring a baby in to the world, don't for gods sake make it this world. His lack of cleaning tells you all you ever need to know, he doesn't have an ounce of respect for you, much less himself.

lovesineffable · 04/03/2012 21:26

Close2breaking, most people would be appalled and ashamed at an accident like this, and wouldn't leave it until tomorrow to clean up.
Rinsing the bath is just not enough, it needs to be scrubbed with bleach..this sounds a bit beyond lazy, leaving shit lying around is what you'd expect from someone who has mental health problems.

I'm not suggesting that he has, but it sounds like a very bizarre way to behave.
I hope you can get some peace and sleep soon.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 21:30

let your mw know what been going on
you need to look after self and baby
prioritize that
not the defecating adult

Jolyonsmummy · 04/03/2012 21:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scottishmummy · 04/03/2012 21:32

his actions and words suggest not ashamed of himself
drug of choice was alcohol

carernotasaint · 04/03/2012 21:32

Hes not that ashamed otherwise he would have cleaned up.

garlicbutter · 04/03/2012 21:58

Alcohol can definitely do this all by itself, no need for illegal intoxicants or viruses.

Not unusually, I puked copiously in houses as a yoof. I always cleaned up, despite being too drunk to aim my sick down a loo. If the house wasn't mine I phoned the next day to check I'd cleaned adequately, despite being too hungover to move. Shitting/pissing/puking in other people's space and, worse, getting your excrement on them, is incredibly insulting and being drunk is no excuse. He was capable of cleaning up. He just didn't care.