I really want this to work.

[Marie229]

I'm going to start from the beginning. I started dating my boyfriend 3 years ago when he and his now ex-wife were separated. I know he went through a lot of trauma/hesitation deciding whether he made the right decision to separate/divorce because of his young son. I've always seen him as a very involved and sensitive father.

He ultimately decided that divorce was his best option. The way he described it to me was that he felt like he couldn't be himself in the relationship. He felt he married the wrong person. He was very unhappy and not-at-all in love. There was constant fighting and friction. He felt that his son would ultimately benefit from the split.

I know, believe me I know, that I shouldn't have gotten involved with him while he was still married to his ex wife. I regret it deeply (hind sight is truly 20/20). The only thing I can say is that I fell in love with this man. It was a love unlike anything I'd ever experienced (I'd only had one other boyfriend that lasted 8 years.) He was highly intelligent, very good looking, sensitive, receptive, and so many other things. What I adored most, though, was how we both viewed relationships. We both felt relationships should come first-- before parents, kids, jobs, passions, everything. We felt that the relationship was the foundation for everything else good. For example, if the husband/wife were happy and in love, then the children would be happy and well-adjusted. We had similar views on so many of life's questions. I felt it was a soul-to-soul meeting. I know that sounds silly, but I was truly head-over-heals for this guy. I ruined my reputation by dating him (because he wasn't yet divorced), and it didn't matter to me at all. I felt I needed to follow my heart.

Three years have now gone. I don't know what's going on anymore. I've only met his parents once, and I've only met his son once (about a month ago). I've asked (nearly begged) to be a bigger part of his life. At one point he told me, "What did you expect fooling around with a married man?" Another time he told me, "I can't introduce my son to some girlfriend." It feels like the only times he acknowledges my feelings is when I break up with him. When I try to talk to him, I feel like he gets angry. When he gets angry, I feel mistreated, and I break up with him. I've broken up with him numerous times. It's probably been three dozen times. Every time we break up, he apologizes, and I truly believe he means it. But then I get told that it's my fault that the relationship hasn't progressed because I break up with him every time there's a problem. Maybe I am being unrealistic. I can't tell anymore. I know that I don't feel heard, and that I feel uncared for and unloved when I try to bring something up. Maybe I should just understand that he'll react defensively. I've also reacted defensively.

Let me go into detail about the last few times we've argued....

I only see him on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays because he has his son on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I don't always get to see him on my days, though, because his son is involved in Boy Scouts, soccer, baseball, and church. He is an awesome dad and rarely misses anything. I also can only see him until about 7 or 7:30 at night S-TH because he gets up at 3:30 AM to work out for two hours before work. Well, I look forward to Friday evenings with him because he stays a little longer. He doesn't stay that much longer, though, because he likes to go grocery shopping Saturday mornings around 6am before anyone gets there. OK, so this particular Friday evening, he decided to skip his son's soccer practice. Our relationship had really been suffering, so he felt we needed the extra time together. It made me feel like he was really making an effort for us, but I felt badly about him missing soccer practice. This was only the second time in three years that he missed a soccer practice, and he has never missed a soccer game. I made stuffed chicken and had wine, and we were really having a nice time together talking and connecting. At about 6:00, his ex-wife texted him telling him he was an awful father for choosing his girlfriend over his son (she used a lot of curse words and name calling, too.) He read the text to me and sat down on the couch. I could tell he was questioning whether there was truth in the text. He asked me if he was a bad father, and I told him that he wasn't. The whole mood of our evening shifted from that point on. I felt guilty that he missed soccer practice and because he was questioning whether he was a good dad. He completely disconnected from me, so we just started watching TV together. He calls his son every night at 8PM to tell him goodnight. Every night, he can't get a hold of his ex-wife. Sometimes, I think she does it on purpose to tick him off, and sometimes I think she's just really scatter-brained. Anyway, he gets furious every Friday night at 8 when he can't get a hold of his son. This particular Friday night, he was pacing the floor, criticizing his ex, and redialing about every 30 seconds. This happens every Friday night. I can tell you that leading up to 8 PM, I start to feel sick because I'm dreading the goodnight call. I don't know if his ex is going to answer and they're going to start yelling at each other, or if she's not going to answer, or if he's going to be disappointed when his son only wants to talk for a few minutes. Also, he gets angry because his ex and their son are usually always out, and he feels they should be at home getting ready for bed at 8PM. So, on this Friday night, after he finally did get to talk to his son, I calmly suggested that he stop the 8pm goodnight calls. He looked offended. I went on to explain how it always seems like a disappointment to him. He's either getting angry at his ex or angry because his son isn't at home in bed. I also explained how it's not really a bonding experience since his son is always ready to get off the phone after a couple minutes. I told him how it makes me feel like our time together is ruined and how much I look forward to our Friday nights. Well, you would have thought I slapped him in the face. He was furious with me. He felt I wanted to limit his time with his son. He was offended that I implied that I was the only one who looked forward to our Friday nights. I started crying. He stormed out of my house angry. He hates when I cry. He told me in the past that my crying is a form of manipulation. I broke up with him the next morning because I felt so hurt and uncared for. I told him how his anger and bad moods are affecting our lives, and how I don't want to live the rest of my life in his misery. He emailed me and texted all of these wonderful insights and promises, and we got back together after two weeks apart.

The first night we're back together is another Friday night. We talk and laugh and connect. I feel like everything is going to work out after two weeks apart. We make love. He gets up to leave immediately after. I'm hurt, and he asks why I'm hurt. I tell him that I don't want him to leave. I ask him to stay. He tells me he never expected to make love our first night back together, and he didn't plan on staying. He tells me he's confused by why I wanted to have sex in the first place. He leaves. I'm angry because we've had this same situation a number of times in the past, and he knows I'm hurt by it. The next morning I tell him I was hurt. He's defensive. He points out to me again that he had no intention of staying. He doesn't want to be out that late because he gets up early to go grocery shopping. He points out that I never stay at his house. He points out that I like to sleep in until 8, and he likes to get up at 5. All of these things are true. But I just feel like they're stretched. The reason I don't stay at his house is because I have a little dog, and it's not allowed at his house. I can't abandon my dog over night all alone-- especially after being at work all day long. He says that's an excuse I have. And the sleeping in until 8 is not true. I usually get up at 7, but I would happily get up at 5 with him and make breakfast. He makes me feel unloved when he does this, and then he gets angry at me for feeling that way. He says I imply that he only uses me for sex. I know he doesn't use me for sex. I truly believe he doesn't. He just really is obsessive about the schedule he keeps. I just don't understand how he doesn't recognize that his behavior is hurtful to me. So, again, I got angry with him and told him to leave me alone. We got back together, this time, the following Sunday.

On Sunday, I went over to his house. We were lying on his couch holding each other talking about our lives. I expressed discontent with my current job (we have the same types of job). I told him how I've been thinking about going back to school. I told him about how I really search for meaning in our jobs. Before I said any of this, I told him that I didn't want to offend him because I knew he liked our jobs. We talked openly and nicely. I felt wonderful after our talk and time together. Later that night, he called me put me down for talking negatively about our jobs. He asked if I could ever respect him since I wanted a different career and he was satisfied in the one we had. He said he was insulted day after day by his ex because she didn't have any respect for our jobs, either. I reassured him repeatedly that this was my issue, and that I loved that he loved his job. He kept questioning me and questioning me. I kept apologizing. Finally, I just hung up on him. The next morning, he didn't call me like he usually does. Around lunch time, I texted him that I was sorry and tried to explain things again. That night, I called him and apologized again. He told me I was hypocrite. I didn't understand. He went on to explain how I had broken up with him for two weeks because of his anger and discontent with how his ex wife treats him. He told me I'm a hypocrite for telling him that he should accept things and be happy when I'm not happy in my own life. He just kept putting me down. So, I told him to leave me alone again. We tried texting last night, but he, again, told me I was a hypocrite and asked why the things I tell him don't apply to myself. I don't think I'm being a hypocrite, but maybe I am?

I'm so confused. I really love him and want this to work.

Marie, my god what a journey you have been on in this thread! i am so pleased that you have come to the place you are now, and that you realise what you have to do. Your future has to go on without this dreadful man. He will destroy you, he will ruin your life. It will only get worse. it can't work. it will be the end of you if it does. Trust me.

oikopolis, I am in total AWE of you. I am not PG, slightly hormonal perhaps, but I am welling up with the beauty of your relationship. You DO deserve such a wonderful relationship.

But here's the rub.... WE ALL DO (you listening Marie? )

Marie, come post whenever you need support, we are here for you whenever and wherever you need us to be, OK?

SwallowedAFly,

I truly did fear for my life as a child-- it's not an exaggeration. Now, I never came to school with busted lips or blackened eyes, but I was terrified of my mother. She did break two of my toes once, however, as she was chasing me down the hall. She trampled my toes as she caught up to me, and then she stood above me screaming and smacking me (much like your description of your own mother). Another time, she pushed me out onto a high porch off the back of our old house. She had me backed up against the rails screaming at me and spitting in my face and smacking me. I was only about 7 years old, and I was sure she was going to pick me up and hurl me over the side of the porch and kill me. Another time, my little brother and I were quarreling, and she gave my little brother a kitchen knife and demanded that he just go ahead and kill me since he couldn't get along with me. He was terrified, too, of course, and he would have never stabbed me. In the moment, though, I wasn't sure what my little brother would do with our enraged mother standing over him, screaming at him to stab me.

The only two people I've ever told about my mother's abuse is my bf and the therapist I had for 4 months. Being on this forum, anonymously, it was much easier to tell my story.

I really thought I'd escaped my childhood. Honestly, I thought that. I was independent and financially stable. I had removed myself emotionally from her. I didn't end up doing drugs, getting pregnant, or dropping out of high school--the tragedies I used to associate with children who were abused. I never realized, at least not with any sort of depth of understanding, that I continued to experience/recreate the trauma.

I'm beginning to think that the reason I could never make the connection is because I insisted on telling a different story about my life.

well i think there's part of us that really needs to believe we are strong, we've overcome it, it doesn't effect us anymore etc - that's fairly natural but it's probably also to do with avoiding that terrified child state that is so overwhelming and scary.

for periods it's probably healthy, strengthens our ability to get on with life etc. but when something from the past is showing up and sabotaging us we need to face it but without feeling like we have failed or are weak or have let them win etc. there are bound to be things that come up, things that need tweaking, stuff that returns that we thought we had dealt with etc.

we just deal with one layer at a time.

your mother does indeed sound terrifying. wonder how your brother turned out.

I just can't think of my bf as awful-- even now.

He's truly just insecure and has issues of his own that he needs to deal with. He needs to figure out why he has these intense feelings of not being good enough, and why he projects blame onto others on account of his own behavior or negative thinking patterns.

But I know I have to accept that the relationship is doomed.

glad those warnings were useful Marie. It's natural to want to fix him. after all, if your mother had been "fixed" you would have been safe as a child... obviously since this man represents your mother in the re-enactment of your childhood, you would feel a v strong compulsion to "fix" him in the same way, and thereby make yourself safe.

the difference is, now the adult in you is in charge of your life, so every now and again you have to remind the child inside that the solution is working on the self and not on a "parent figure". it gets easier. it's all about breaking habits.

Houdini & garlic it's true, everyone deserves compassion eh? i used to think i was tough enough to get on without it. it was just that i was afraid i would never be safe, so i didn't dare dream it.

and nowadays i cry less and less in arguments. the fear really lessens when another human being acknowledges it clearly, and then lets you feel it while offering reassurance and calmness. true patience and compassion change things profoundly.

just went downstairs to give DH a kiss for being so lovely. but managed to pick up a whole lot of static electricity on the way there and ended up shocking the bejeezus out of him, he just about fell over. poor man. oh well!

Somehow, it doesn't surprise me that you attract electricity, oiko

... btw, get your wiring checked (house, not you!)

Yes, I believe you're completely right, SAF.

My brother is the best of the best. He's good all the way through-- a beautiful, thoughtful, and compassionate person.

He's single, too, though. And I'm wondering if he struggles with similar issues in his own romantic life. He's told me before that he feels he'll never marry so that he'll never have to deal with the drama that comes with relationships.

He's two years younger than I am-- 28.

bit young for me then

i'm single. it's easier and a lot more stable for ds.

garlicbutter,

I apologize, but I've just now made the time to check out those links you gave me a couple days ago on personality disorders.

It sounds as though my bf has very strong characteristics of someone with a PD. I never even considered it. You see, i found him to be so very different from my mother.

Oh gosh. If he has a pd, then this makes me almost accept fully that I'll never get him to see my side in anything. Oh gosh.

garlic, you said something that really struck me as i reread your post. you said, "The nightmare in his head is personal and only he can change it, if he wished. He very likely won't, though, because then he would have to take a proper look at it." Do you know he's told me before that he hates himself? He's told me that's why he's obsessed with his body-image and working out all the time (and there's a number of other things he's obsessed with). My gosh. I fell in love with a man who is very similar to my mother. You are right, oikopolis!

I'm still struggling more like battling with myself to not go back to the relationship because I have such strong feelings for him. I keep coming back to here and rereading these posts to help me remember the reality of it all.

it truly was an epiphany, oikopolis, when you said my mother taught me to believe that my feelings are real. i have to get a handle on this insanity.

You're getting a handle on it already love. Keep reading over and over, i know from personal experience how helpful it can be to return to a thread like this when you need strength.

not surprised you see pd traits in him. i must say the first thing i thought when i read your OP was, "the boyfriend is personality disordered". only someone with who has had extreme emotional development problems can be that blind to issues in his relationships.

thinking of you frequently and hoping that you are gaining strength as the days go by.