I really want this to work.

[Marie229]

I'm going to start from the beginning. I started dating my boyfriend 3 years ago when he and his now ex-wife were separated. I know he went through a lot of trauma/hesitation deciding whether he made the right decision to separate/divorce because of his young son. I've always seen him as a very involved and sensitive father.

He ultimately decided that divorce was his best option. The way he described it to me was that he felt like he couldn't be himself in the relationship. He felt he married the wrong person. He was very unhappy and not-at-all in love. There was constant fighting and friction. He felt that his son would ultimately benefit from the split.

I know, believe me I know, that I shouldn't have gotten involved with him while he was still married to his ex wife. I regret it deeply (hind sight is truly 20/20). The only thing I can say is that I fell in love with this man. It was a love unlike anything I'd ever experienced (I'd only had one other boyfriend that lasted 8 years.) He was highly intelligent, very good looking, sensitive, receptive, and so many other things. What I adored most, though, was how we both viewed relationships. We both felt relationships should come first-- before parents, kids, jobs, passions, everything. We felt that the relationship was the foundation for everything else good. For example, if the husband/wife were happy and in love, then the children would be happy and well-adjusted. We had similar views on so many of life's questions. I felt it was a soul-to-soul meeting. I know that sounds silly, but I was truly head-over-heals for this guy. I ruined my reputation by dating him (because he wasn't yet divorced), and it didn't matter to me at all. I felt I needed to follow my heart.

Three years have now gone. I don't know what's going on anymore. I've only met his parents once, and I've only met his son once (about a month ago). I've asked (nearly begged) to be a bigger part of his life. At one point he told me, "What did you expect fooling around with a married man?" Another time he told me, "I can't introduce my son to some girlfriend." It feels like the only times he acknowledges my feelings is when I break up with him. When I try to talk to him, I feel like he gets angry. When he gets angry, I feel mistreated, and I break up with him. I've broken up with him numerous times. It's probably been three dozen times. Every time we break up, he apologizes, and I truly believe he means it. But then I get told that it's my fault that the relationship hasn't progressed because I break up with him every time there's a problem. Maybe I am being unrealistic. I can't tell anymore. I know that I don't feel heard, and that I feel uncared for and unloved when I try to bring something up. Maybe I should just understand that he'll react defensively. I've also reacted defensively.

Let me go into detail about the last few times we've argued....

I only see him on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, and Sundays because he has his son on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. I don't always get to see him on my days, though, because his son is involved in Boy Scouts, soccer, baseball, and church. He is an awesome dad and rarely misses anything. I also can only see him until about 7 or 7:30 at night S-TH because he gets up at 3:30 AM to work out for two hours before work. Well, I look forward to Friday evenings with him because he stays a little longer. He doesn't stay that much longer, though, because he likes to go grocery shopping Saturday mornings around 6am before anyone gets there. OK, so this particular Friday evening, he decided to skip his son's soccer practice. Our relationship had really been suffering, so he felt we needed the extra time together. It made me feel like he was really making an effort for us, but I felt badly about him missing soccer practice. This was only the second time in three years that he missed a soccer practice, and he has never missed a soccer game. I made stuffed chicken and had wine, and we were really having a nice time together talking and connecting. At about 6:00, his ex-wife texted him telling him he was an awful father for choosing his girlfriend over his son (she used a lot of curse words and name calling, too.) He read the text to me and sat down on the couch. I could tell he was questioning whether there was truth in the text. He asked me if he was a bad father, and I told him that he wasn't. The whole mood of our evening shifted from that point on. I felt guilty that he missed soccer practice and because he was questioning whether he was a good dad. He completely disconnected from me, so we just started watching TV together. He calls his son every night at 8PM to tell him goodnight. Every night, he can't get a hold of his ex-wife. Sometimes, I think she does it on purpose to tick him off, and sometimes I think she's just really scatter-brained. Anyway, he gets furious every Friday night at 8 when he can't get a hold of his son. This particular Friday night, he was pacing the floor, criticizing his ex, and redialing about every 30 seconds. This happens every Friday night. I can tell you that leading up to 8 PM, I start to feel sick because I'm dreading the goodnight call. I don't know if his ex is going to answer and they're going to start yelling at each other, or if she's not going to answer, or if he's going to be disappointed when his son only wants to talk for a few minutes. Also, he gets angry because his ex and their son are usually always out, and he feels they should be at home getting ready for bed at 8PM. So, on this Friday night, after he finally did get to talk to his son, I calmly suggested that he stop the 8pm goodnight calls. He looked offended. I went on to explain how it always seems like a disappointment to him. He's either getting angry at his ex or angry because his son isn't at home in bed. I also explained how it's not really a bonding experience since his son is always ready to get off the phone after a couple minutes. I told him how it makes me feel like our time together is ruined and how much I look forward to our Friday nights. Well, you would have thought I slapped him in the face. He was furious with me. He felt I wanted to limit his time with his son. He was offended that I implied that I was the only one who looked forward to our Friday nights. I started crying. He stormed out of my house angry. He hates when I cry. He told me in the past that my crying is a form of manipulation. I broke up with him the next morning because I felt so hurt and uncared for. I told him how his anger and bad moods are affecting our lives, and how I don't want to live the rest of my life in his misery. He emailed me and texted all of these wonderful insights and promises, and we got back together after two weeks apart.

The first night we're back together is another Friday night. We talk and laugh and connect. I feel like everything is going to work out after two weeks apart. We make love. He gets up to leave immediately after. I'm hurt, and he asks why I'm hurt. I tell him that I don't want him to leave. I ask him to stay. He tells me he never expected to make love our first night back together, and he didn't plan on staying. He tells me he's confused by why I wanted to have sex in the first place. He leaves. I'm angry because we've had this same situation a number of times in the past, and he knows I'm hurt by it. The next morning I tell him I was hurt. He's defensive. He points out to me again that he had no intention of staying. He doesn't want to be out that late because he gets up early to go grocery shopping. He points out that I never stay at his house. He points out that I like to sleep in until 8, and he likes to get up at 5. All of these things are true. But I just feel like they're stretched. The reason I don't stay at his house is because I have a little dog, and it's not allowed at his house. I can't abandon my dog over night all alone-- especially after being at work all day long. He says that's an excuse I have. And the sleeping in until 8 is not true. I usually get up at 7, but I would happily get up at 5 with him and make breakfast. He makes me feel unloved when he does this, and then he gets angry at me for feeling that way. He says I imply that he only uses me for sex. I know he doesn't use me for sex. I truly believe he doesn't. He just really is obsessive about the schedule he keeps. I just don't understand how he doesn't recognize that his behavior is hurtful to me. So, again, I got angry with him and told him to leave me alone. We got back together, this time, the following Sunday.

On Sunday, I went over to his house. We were lying on his couch holding each other talking about our lives. I expressed discontent with my current job (we have the same types of job). I told him how I've been thinking about going back to school. I told him about how I really search for meaning in our jobs. Before I said any of this, I told him that I didn't want to offend him because I knew he liked our jobs. We talked openly and nicely. I felt wonderful after our talk and time together. Later that night, he called me put me down for talking negatively about our jobs. He asked if I could ever respect him since I wanted a different career and he was satisfied in the one we had. He said he was insulted day after day by his ex because she didn't have any respect for our jobs, either. I reassured him repeatedly that this was my issue, and that I loved that he loved his job. He kept questioning me and questioning me. I kept apologizing. Finally, I just hung up on him. The next morning, he didn't call me like he usually does. Around lunch time, I texted him that I was sorry and tried to explain things again. That night, I called him and apologized again. He told me I was hypocrite. I didn't understand. He went on to explain how I had broken up with him for two weeks because of his anger and discontent with how his ex wife treats him. He told me I'm a hypocrite for telling him that he should accept things and be happy when I'm not happy in my own life. He just kept putting me down. So, I told him to leave me alone again. We tried texting last night, but he, again, told me I was a hypocrite and asked why the things I tell him don't apply to myself. I don't think I'm being a hypocrite, but maybe I am?

I'm so confused. I really love him and want this to work.

It seems it might be wise to abandon the vision I always had of myself as wife and mother. I guess I should just trust that things will work out? I guess I just have to take one thing at a time?

Personally? I would say, don't abandon anything. Just take your expectations of yourself and your life, be they positive or negative, and very carefully pack them away into a nice warm box for one year. During which you take some time to really, really get to know who you are, deep inside. They will all be there in a year for you to look at again -- and who knows, you may find you've outgrown some of them. Others might have taken on a completely new meaning and vitality for you. There's no urgency to all this. You are doing something priceless for yourself, you are worth a year.

You were brought up in a chaotic situation where you could never feel completely safe. I understand the impulse to plan, to carefully reset your expectations, to prepare for the worst, all those things. It's all about holding on to what control you feel is available to you, and why wouldn't you? Life has been scary for you.

Having said that I think it's safe now for you to feel the fear/apprehension/anxiety, name it, pick it up, and actually have a look at it. What are you feeling? Is the feeling useful? Or is it just the same sick feeling we all get when we have to break a habit of a lifetime, or end a poor relationship that has become habitual? So often, negative feelings are just our habit-loving minds, screaming against the idea that change is afoot. You don't actually have anything to fear. The feeling might be there, and sure, it's not comfortable, but it signifies much less than you think. You are not on the road to doom or loneliness. You are on the road to wholeness.

If it's any comfort to you, I think you are going to be OK. I really do. You have insight into what you're thinking, and why. As long as you have insight into yourself and a personal will to change, you have bucketloads of hope, that I can assure you. You're so articulate, and you can clearly understand and read the language of symbols. That helps a lot too.

If you're inclined, there's a book you might want to read (or re-read). It's worth buying and keeping around the house to read in snatches over a period of several years. It's called Women Who Run With The Wolves.

It's sometimes quite new-agey and sometimes I want to punch the author (her name is Clarissa Pinkola Estes) in the mouth. But... it still might help. It has some v good stuff. Mostly about the stories that women hold inside themselves, where they come from (culturally, personally, all sorts), influence of "bad" mothers, why so many women injure themselves in the search for love, etc. etc. You might want to punch Ms Estes when she goes all "woo" and incense-burny on you, but I think you might glean some stuff too. Sometimes you need a strong story in order to start seeing what you're poisoning your own mind with. Don't attempt to read it in one sitting, it's heavy, you need to digest it in small doses (note that i am a read-the-book-in-one-day-if-you're-enthralled sort of person, but you won't get as much out of this book if you do that! imo anyway)

(Also, one more suggestion, keep a dream journal while you read the book. sounds woo. but just try it.)

(OK last suggestion! taking up a creative pursuit that you enjoyed as a child/teen, or trying something creative that you've always been interested in, can help to heal you in ways you never dreamed possible. esp when you combine it with regular, high-quality therapy with an EXPERIENCED therapist -- i can't stress enough how important experience is with therapy)

About me and my experience of BPD, well, my father is a clinical narcissist & my mother, like many partners of Ns, has borderline traits. She is not full-on batshit crazy, but she has issues, let's put it that way. But I also had an extremely close friend for a period of 10 years who, I realised later, almost definitely had BPD. Dreadful disease. It was like watching a house burn down, with her inside it, for ten years straight.

I feel exhausted just thinking about it. She is a lovely girl in so many ways, but from an utterly utterly horrific background, through no fault of her own. I had to end the friendship because I was caught up in a horrid cycle where I was just making things worse for her by enabling her, feeding the drama by being available etc.

I don't have much to pontificate on re: BPD atm, possibly due to the exhaustion that overtakes me when I think about it too much but maybe something will strike me in a few hours.

Great thread btw. Lots of amazing posts. OP, I'm glad you reached out here. It sounds like several people are being helped by this thread, and that's wonderful.

You are not on the road to doom or loneliness. You are on the road to wholeness.

Just bought my membership to Oiko fan club :)

Swallowedafly, yes, I see the parallel. I do make excuses and split him into two different people. I do exactly the same things you did in your relationship. I never realized how damaging my mother has been. All of what you typed makes sense. I was terrified of her as child. The combination of moving out of her house and giving up on a typical mother-daughter relationship freed me, I thought.

This has been a lesson; I've mistaken it for a love story.

The closest BPD therapist I've located is an hour and a half north of me. regardless, I emailed him and plan to start back into counseling.

Have you checked with the therapist that he's experienced with BPD fallout? There's no indication you have the condition yourself.

Garlicbutter, I have to admit that it's disappointing to me to question my feelings about love and to ask whether they're logical, appropriate, and helpful. But I know I have to shift that. The bizarre thing is that all of my other emotions in other areas of my life seem to be in check.

It's also quite disappointing to me that I seem to have turned out somewhat textbook. You've all figured me out quite quickly when I've struggled for years not identifying these patterns in my life. I hardly know myself, you see? And now I have to abandon my bf who I'd made my life and future. I'm so sad, but now I can't possibly ignore what I know to be true. I don't feel it, I know it.

Thank you for your compliments.

No, I didn't. I just assumed that if he had a sufficient knowledge base with BPD that he would understand the fallout. I'll ask.

Yes, do ask him. The last thing you need right now is a therapist dancing around BPD issues, when you're crying out for the 'sane' perspective. Have a look here ('Fleas')

Can't speak for others on your thread, but I identify your issues because I've been through them myself. Actually, I'm still going through but started this journey several years before you, though much older. Some respondents have also told you the same about themselves :)
So it's not a case of being "textbook", more a matter of shared experience.

I might be jumping ahead of you here - please bear with me, I've got an attack of share-itis

There is an element of "textbook" to all this, in that personality disorders follow similar patterns. The definition of PD is a very RIGID personality. That is, the fluidity of the average human character is impaired. Depending on the type & severity of the condition, this could mean switching between extreme behaviours and expressions (classic BPD and/or histrionic), being eternally responsive (cluster C), living in an imaginary world (cluster A) or having a cold & ruthless character as in the more aggressive cluster B disorders.

BPD is the baseline for all Cluster B disorders and, depending on your expert, all of the disorders. The main point is that a 'normal' human empathises with others and responds to situations according to a whole variety of inputs. Your disordered personality has only a limited range of responses, because they absolutely lack flexibility. It's rather as though they were computers programmed to appear human, but without those essential qualities of fine processing and empathy. They are basically social failings - but the source of the failing is innate; it's not about learning. People with a PD can learn but it'll only be a rote learning, not an empathy or instinctive fix.

Those of us who became accustomed to life according to PDs (but don't suffer from them ourselves) face a challenge to become better integrated with the 'normal' world of humans with fully-developed personalities. It can be quite a tough ride - especially if the PD people were our parents and carers - as it requires a lot of un-learning. It is also, though, rewarding and comforting. Living with disordered personalities, when yours is not, makes you feel weird and badly fitted. Discovering that you're actually sane, and it's fine to be who you are, is a tremendous relief!

Sorry that was a bit of an essay. Hope some of it made sense to you :)

Oikopolis, I do feel a need to plan. You've described me yet again.

I'm having trouble examining or explaining the fear I feel in regard to letting go of my boyfriend. I see what you're saying about breaking a habit or fearing change. I don't think I fear loneliness or doom, though. I still feel completely, entirely in love with him. I know the feeling is just that, a feeling. My reality of being loved is much different. I really believe the feeling is more real than the reality, though. I sound crazy, I know. I see the reality, yet I feel the feeling with just as much intensity. I even see how my past shaped this delusion of love. I think I'm understanding it from all directions, yet I still feel so lost in it.....

I'll have to think about a creative pursuit. I'll read the book, too.

I've basically had to end my relationship with my mother. I see her about twice a month for lunch or dinner or something else brief. She knows nothing about my personal life; I just let her talk about hers. I accept the lies she tells me as truths. I never try to help her or change her (she gets furious). I just listen. My dear brother and I watch in horror as she repeatedly hurts herself and hurts others (emotionally). She's never maintained a job, a relationship, a friendship, or her finances. It's awful.

Ty for all of your insights. They've meant a lot to me.

I put myself through college and graduate school, and I bought my own house at 24. You see, I thought I overcame my dysfunctional childhood and succeeded!

Marie, that's exactly what you have done - you overcame your dysfunctional childhood by fixing your eye firmly on the target and working hard to achieve material success.

Now that you've got it made career/house-wise you now need to apply the same determination to your emotional development.

As you already possess sufficient insight to recognise where the problems lie, this isn't going to require years of study in a shrink's chair, albeit that we're all a work in progress and regular sessions of cleaning house emotionally can be necessary to maintain a healthy and balanced approach to life - and to love.

I wrote the following a couple of days ago in response to ABigGirlInASmallWorld's post and, as it occurs to me that it has relevance for you, I'm unashamedly reproducing it here:

"Picture the woman you want to be and the lifestyle you want to have - and keep that image in your mind as you work to bring it into reality.

As it sounds as if your early experiences have impacted negatively on your adult life, I suggest you visit youtube and search Brad Yates EFT videos. The emotional freedom technique can be a valuable tool to removing those feelings that may hold us back and prevent us becoming all that we can be.

EFT does not conflict with other therapies and it's free, easy, and takes very little time to repeat Brad's words and copy his actions. I often use 'tap of' the morning' when I've got a particularly challenging time ahead or just to get a boost of 'feelgood factor' to kickstart my day. Similarly, I use 'tap of the evening' to wind down and rid myself of stress.

Look at the list of Brad's videos and select a topic that you feel drawn to. You can 'tap in' to as many topics as you want whenever you want, but if you choose one and practice it daily for a week you should experience a positive shift in your thinking on that particular subject.

I also advocate zazen (sitting) meditation which serves to enable us to recognise that we are considerably more than our thoughts and feelings and that we do not have to be imprisoned or restricted by them."

You titled your post I really want this to work but the fact is that it hasn't worked for the past 3 years and it's not going to work for the next 3 or the 3 after that and the 3 etc etc because he's not worthy of you and he'll always bring you down.

Once you've tweaked and fine-tuned your thinking, your twat radar will be on maximum setting and it's highly unlikely that you'll allow any more selfish males to slip under the wire and cause you to doubt yourself.

Izzy, I love 80% of your posts but get a bit annoyed when you promote eft as the answer to everything. It helps, like hypnotherapy and affirmations do, but some emotional-behavioural issues go deeper than words.

Garlic, it does make a lot of sense to me. All of this is fascinating to me. I'll reply more later. I need to go to bed! Thanks again...

:) me too.

I do not promote any therapy as the be all and end all, garlic nor do I believe that any therapy provides 'the answer to everything'.

Personally, I find that zazen sustains and maintains my sense of emotional wellbeing through good, bad, and indifferent, times but this particular form of meditation requires considerable self-discipline which, as you know, is a quality that is often derided here.

If you check my posts you will see that I recommend EFT only where I believe it may be beneficial for the OP to be made aware of a readily accessible and free therapy that is known to have a liberating and empowering effect on its users.

I would hazard a guess that during the time I've been responding on this board, I've mentioned EFT in considerably less than 1% of the responses I've made but I'll leave you to do the math.

I don't have a problem if you choose to reject 20% or all/any of my posts but I would be obliged if you'd do me the courtesy of taking issue with me privately before criticising my responses publicly.

Ftr, I'm curious to learn how you would propose to resolve those 'emotional-behavioural issues' in adults that 'go deeper than words'?

I'm curious to learn how you would propose ...
That's no secret. Psychotherapy! With the right therapist (for any given stage), the right tools, sufficient support, sufficient application and love.

that book might help you find a story that "names" your emotion/fear re: leaving your boyfriend. when you're out of touch with yourself, stories can be more useful than just words. i think this is because stories touch the "whole" person... both sides of the brain, and both the chattering conscious mind that loves words and linear-ness, and the deep unconscious that needs pictures and feelings and spirals of unspoken meaning.

e.g. there is a story in that book called "The Skeleton Woman" that was so powerful for me that i literally sobbed like a four-year-old over it for an entire afternoon. it actually took several hours for me to even understand why i was crying over it! it was like something v deep inside me, something i had ignored for countless years, was suddenly brought out into the open air to breathe again. it put my past traumas into a perspective that I had never thought of before. and it actually helped me move past a lot of stuff on a really deep level.

i suspect there will be a story in there for you too.

you are not so easy to work out, you know. don't feel like you should have seen all this on your own. speaking for myself, i only see these things in you because a) you are so articulate and have been able to express quite insightful things about yourself, and b) i have been where you are, all i'm doing is seeing a kindred spirit in you. (i think others here feel the same.)

this is how wholeness comes about, in a community, where we talk and listen. you don't gain insight into yourself by just concentrating or by sitting down and thinking carefully!! you can only gain it through others.

i'm beyond pleased about your therapist. def be very detailed about what you seek from him. you're looking for help with the fallout specifically. he might be able to refer you to someone else if he knows of a better colleague.

how wonderful that you're taking all these steps for yourself.
i'm actually feeling v proud of you right now, even though we have never met

Pyschotherapy is a general term garlic.

Are you proposing a psychotherapy that the patient can wordlessly/silently interact with, or is it necessary for the patient to first articulate those feelings that 'go deeper than words' before a therapy can be recommended to treat their condition?

What therapy, if any, would you recommend for Marie?

I wouldn't presume to advise a particular strand of therapy, Izzy. I'm trying to offer feedback to an intelligent woman who is ready to explore the options available to her. And this thread isn't about you or me.

I'm very glad to hear it, garlic, and, in common with many others, that is precisely what I attempt to do when I respond on this board as I credit every OP with the intelligence to give consideration to the responses they receive and act on those that have resonance and/or meaning for them.

If you disagree with anything I write, or have previously written, please free to take issue with me privately and I will extend the same courtesy to you.

My apologies for the hijack of your thread, Marie, and I sincerely hope it won't unduly disturb the flow of your thoughts.

I have nothing new to say, you have got some same advice on this thread.
This guy does not seem to like you quite as much as you do. This soul mate thing is best left in books and films. With an exW, a child and a crazy day routine he seems to have too many issues. You will be used and abused if you stick around.
Deserve better? No?
Stay friends, maintain distance and give him time (long time 3-5 yrs) to resolve his situation. Breaking up a marriage and moving into another relationship quickly is NOT always good. It had a load of complicated implications. Step away and turn around and walk away while you can.

IF i was inclined to recommend things i'd prescribe meta meditation personally - developing compassion particularly for oneself and acceptance to emotions and skill in being able to be present to your own feelings in a loving way. a nice simple non woo way in that contextualises it well for western minds and those dealing with psychological stuff is 'the mindful path to self compassion' which you can find a free pdf copy of line if you look for it - will dig out author if anyone wants it.

actually that book would be nice whilst you're going through difficult emotions as it really gives you practical ways to cope with and accept those - lots of exercises and personally i found it quickly made a difference at a time i was really suffering. it helped me to move on from the double edged sword of feeling pain and simultaneously beating myself up for feeling it and battering myself mentally that i was stuck in and was a bit of a pattern. having mothers like ours doesn't really equip us to be accepting of our emotions or recognise them and it doesn't teach us much about how to self compassionate and present to ourselves.

it's not textbook marie - it's not that you're obvious and haven't seen it etc - it's similar journeys i think that mean we know parts of each others stories because we recognise them. and it's always easier to see things in someone else's story i find - maybe like looking in the mirror rather than trying to see your own face - or trying to examine your own back without the aid of a mirror. i learn most from other people and their stories actually - probably why counselling doesn't do much for me even though i'm half trained in it and intend to continue my training soon ironically. i find the absence of the counsellor's story starves mine of oxygen and gives it nothing to bounce off of - i need the dynamic rather than endless talk about me.

bit of a waffle on here sorry think i better end this post!

agree with swallowed, simple mindfulness meditation is an incredible tool. once you have identified thought patterns that harm you, mindfulness can help you become aware of them and gently/compassionately change them.

i found this book a helpful introduction, particularly since it includes not just exercises but an empirical view of how and why this sort of meditation improves people's lives. www.amazon.com/Fully-Present-Science-Practice-Mindfulness/dp/0738213241/ref=sr_1_8?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1331046068&sr=1-8

garlicbutter, I reread "fleas." I think I've had "fleas" at times, for sure. Yuck.

Specifically, when my bf tells me how I should feel, blames me for his own insecurities, or devalues my feelings/thoughts, I do get angry. Then, I find myself remorseful for not maintaining my composure. My previous therapist encouraged me to not react, to stay present, and to instead respond with love. She told me that only in "presence" or calmness would I be able to A) improve the relationship or B) feel at peace in leaving the relationship. What she taught me made so much sense. I was reacting emotionally, and then I was remorseful for "losing myself" in his negative thinking. And so I could never feel "good" about breaking off the relationship. I never was able to maintain presence or composure, though. I tried time after time to stay present, to stay positive, to react with love. It felt like he pushed me further and further until I lost emotional control. I'd end up breaking up with him, telling him to leave me alone, or hanging up on him. And then the next day he'd be apologizing, and I'd still be so hurt and angry. And then he blamed me for breaking up with him and for our relationship never progressing forward. He told me he couldn't move forward in the relationship when my way to deal with conflict was to break up with him. Then, I'd feel awful because I identified truth in his statement. How could he introduce me to his son when I showed him how terribly I responded to his insecurities? Why couldn't I learn to be more compassionate and understanding? I still go back and forth between wondering whether I could have been more present and loving and found more peace in my decision. It's been a ridiculous, embarrassing cycle.

Thank you for pointing out that it's more about shared experiences than being textbook. You're so right....