Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

Hmm- I don't know what right answer is but I suggest you look at thread on "aibu to be jealous of my dp dead fiance."

Leaving aside whether or not this poor man is ready to have a relationship and with you , there was a lot of good advice and experience of the issues that come with having a relationship with the recently bereaved .

I would just worry this is WAY too soon for either of you to be thinking of starting new relationships. 8 months may not be long enough to process all the fall out from a traumatic split and I would have thought (but have no personal experience) that three weeks after your partner dies you are still in shock.

Is this for real? Have some respect, I imagine the last thing on this man's mind is a new relationship

Sorry, but I think you would be absolutely NUTS to get involved with this man at this point. There may have been a connection between you, but the man has just lost his wife and he will be in absolutely no state to make sensible decisions. It will end in disaster.

I'm sorry, but I think you are deluding yourself if you think that a man mourning the passing of his wife just days earlier was sending you sexual vibes. Much more likely that he was laying his soul bare to anyone willing to offer comfort.

Please, please do not persue this in the short term. Let the man, his children and your friend grieve.

My db lost his wife a few years ago. The first year was spent in an absolute fug just trying to put one foot in front of the other. Not only was he personally not ready for any type of new relationship, he would not have introduced a new woman into the family, to spare the feelings of the children and his wife's family.

What on earth makes you think he will get involved with someone 'very soon' ?

suggest you back the hell off, you fruitloop.

3 weeks?!!! Have you no respect???

3 weeks?? back off, its way way way too soon!!!

Even if (and it's a very big if...) the husband has to some extent already mourned his dead wife when she was ill, those children won't have...

So out of compassion for them please leave well alone!

What to do?

Do nothing.

You are very immature. Grow the fuck up.

God, you inappropriate mare!!

The 'vibes' you think you got, are far more likely to be his desperate vulnerability, lonliness, and fear for his boys having lost their mother!!

Leave him alone, you piranha! He has his children's grief to think about, as well as his own, and he is in no fit state to deal with the come on from anyone.

Christ almighty - you're not bothered are you?

Back off!!!

My Lordy lord what is going on today? 3 weeks?

Give over, indulge in a fantasy if you must, but steer well clear in reality.

In fact 8 months isn't long either, but three weeks ?

I hope you're not serious.

i am in a position of watching my df live through the loss of his wife and i have surprised how popular he has been with women, there is something heroic about a man who has cared for his wife and is left to care for his children, so i guess my advise is leave it a year and if you still find him attractive then ask him out.

Back the hell off?

If you have a 'strong sense' that he will be involved with someone else very soon then it will be for all the wong reasons - grief, loneliness, misery.

It's not even been three months.

If you care about him be supportive from a distance instead of jmping in when you've only recently split from someone yourself.

What's the hurry?

This is one of those strange things where I hope Ive posted on a troll thread!

As for 'what to do'.....why not try having some maturity, consideration and respect, and leaving well alone.

It takes a certain sort of desperado person, to even think about moving in on a father of young children who has just lost his wife and their mother three weeks previously!

I feel a little sick.

to answer your question happy story, my mum died suddenly and tragically (car crash) leaving my dad bereft after 48 years of happy and companiable marriage. My mum's friends all did all they could to support my dad, and some few months after her death, my dad became very friendly with one of her friends. JUST how friendly we never really knew (he was after all, my dad) but they were a couple, certainly, who spent most weekends together. We, the children, were glad - and thought my mum would have been to. And we all thought, and still think, that it was precisely because my dad had been in a happy, loyal marriage that he was able to develop a loving and helpful relationship so quickly after his loss.

Sometimes bereavement can make people feel sexual thoughts... something about a reaction to death, and also a lot of men associate sex with comfort. So, it may well be that you could coax this poor widower into bed with you... and then he would feel awful, you would feel awful, and any chance of a proper relationship would be scuppered for ever.

Leave it.

You have got to be bloody joking!! Back off and don't even think about it.

He has just lost his wife for Pete's sake!!

You sound a little nuts to be completely honest to be even thinking about it.