Sooooo here goes: I really fancy a man whose wife died of cancer three weeks ago..what to do

[hopefulflusteredguilty]

Have name-changed for this because, oh because I just have. Here's my story - would so appreciate thoughts and advice.

One of my closest friend's sister died of cancer three weeks ago. She left two young boys (6 and 10). My friend is bereft - they were the closest of sisters and of families and she herself (ie friend) has severe health problems, a young child of her own and financial challenges. I have been, and still am, full of compassion and sadness for her and I have done all I can to support her.

When I went to the funeral and prayers (Jewish, so prayers held at deceased person's house for two nights)I was struck by how nice the husband was. I was at school with him but I have not seen him for some thirty years (yes I am ancient). Then when I went to visit my friend, she asked that I visit her at her sister's house because my ds is a similiar age to her late sister's boys, and she didnt want her brother-in-law, who is of course grief-stricken, to be alone on weekends. But there was a connection, a definite and distinct vibe between me and the mourning husband. I've seen him once more, again when I was visiting my friend, and the impression was confirmed.

So what do I do ? I want to respect this man's grief, I dont want to hurt my friend in any way but I also have a strong sense that this man will be involved with someone very soon - and that he likes me. I've been single for some eight months under horrible circumstances (long story but essentially DP left me and DS and havent seen him since) and I know my judgement is skewed ie I am still trying to recover from what has happened to my family.

Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted.

I have read your op over and over, and your subsequent posts and I get the strong sense that what you want to do is put first dibs on him because he's going to want a relationship soon and you want to bagsie that spot?

That is almost as inappropriate as fancying man you met at his wife's funeral.

Why aren't you supporting your friend?

After my SIL died, bro was swamped with women bringing round meals, offering to take the DC out, etc, etc. All this was observed with shocked amusement by the DC. He remarried within a year - a ginormous fucking mistake. IMO there's no sense in getting first dibs on the freshly bereaved because, if they see through you, you've already marked yourself out as a vulture. If they don't (or do, but let you get on with it), they're a wanker. No win.

DB divorced after a couple of years. New partner looks a better bet. And she wasn't among the women piling home-baked goodies on his first wife's body.

It sounds like you're trying to grab him before anyone else does. You sound desperate. Perhaps you need to look at that. You're own relationship has ended now you're found an available man . . .

You have no idea that this man Will be involved with someone new soon . You've said yourself that you hardly know him. Don't assume that he is the same as your dad. Why would you think that because you're dad got involved again so soon that this man Will to? He is not the same person and we all react differently.

And yes you can still pop round with meals without ripping his clothes off! I realise that the grieving man gives you the horn but you are perfectly capable of controlling yourself!

I don't think you can pop round with meals. You don't know the guy! You might as well buy a billboard outside his house to say "I'm desperate!"

WHAT ABOUT HER SISTER, SUPPOSEDLY YOUR FRIEND??? Are you popping round with treats for her?

"Would really appreciate advice, especially from someone who knows what it is to lose a loving spouse and can tell me what they would have wanted."

"Now it's my turn to ask - do you lack ALL sensitivity or delicacy ??"

Well, I think you've had responses from at least two widows on this thread, so your accusation of people's lack of sensitivity is a little baseless and crass I feel.

I'm one of those widows...... Three weeks is absolutely no time. No time at all. For most people, the LAST thing you would be thinking about is someone new......

Wow! You want first dibs on a man who has just lost his wife! I hope when the man has decided to get back into dating he stays clear of heartless women like you. Your post is disgusting.

I would offer help with the children,offer to babysit if he needs help etc.Make no obvious attempt to be alone ith him but be his friend.Let him talk about his wife-encourage it in fact.Take a step back and wait.Be there for as long as you can but it is more likely to be years rather than weeks if he had a good marriage.
Having said that I married my dh 18 months after my dh1 died.However dh was a mutual friend ,divorced with dc of his own who knew mine.

I would wear something short and low cut and ask him if he would like to make sweet hubba hubba with you.

A grieving man is fair game.

Nothing ventured!!

Lol. Go shag him. Me hilly abs Bonsoir agree

OK personal experience klaxon.

My DM died in August 1988. I was 18, DB was 13. DF was devestated but by October he had joined dateline and met a woman who was horrified by his suggestion that he should meet us and ended it. He then met another woman and she was more than happy to jump in. We met her in November, by Xmas they were engaged and living together (he moved my DB away from school, friends, home and pets to do this, luckily I was away at Uni). They got married the following April.

I completely understood the reasons DF got together with her. I knew he meant no disrespect to my DM. He had loved her, he missed her and was terrified of being alone.

DM's family did not understand. They found it hugely disrespectful and hurtful. They cut off contact with him to the extent that they did not tell us when my DGF went into hospital so we missed the opportunity to say goodbye to him.

Anyway, the upshot of this is no happy ending. He made a huge rushed mistake that had an enormous impact on my whole family and has ended up, 20 odd years later, with a bitter and fractured family who largely do not speak to each other.

I'm not suggesting that you would behave in any way like my step-mother did. But the whole family, him included, need time to grieve and come to terms with their loss. He is not himself at the moment and any compatibility you feel cannot be relied on at this time.

I don't think you mean any harm but you could cause enormous damage. If you can't offer a genuine friendship I would back away.

wow just wow

First of all, if I was your friend and you tried to get with my deceased sisters husband or had feelings for him, that would be the end of our friendship, even if nothing came of it. How disgusting! it's your best friends deceased sister's husband. Thats plain nasty

He has lost his wife 3 WEEKS AGO it's probably the last thing on his mind. I find it pretty sick and desperate on your part tbh

I'm starting to smell bullshit.

Oh I have no doubts that this thread is genuine. OP, I don't think you are a wicked person, I think you are just desperate. And therefore you should not be dating anyone, let alone someone who is recently bereaved. You need to get rid of your own desperation before you date, or you will be fair game for predators and abusers.

As to the bereaved man, well some bereaved people do want to start dating straight away, for a variety of reasons. Some want to blot out their pain by doing something hedonistic and fun. Others (particularly when the death was due to a long illness) have said their goodbyes properly and already come to terms with the loss of the partner. And of course, there are cases where the dead partner was actually a bit of an arse and the 'bereaved' is really more relieved that the person is gone. But plenty of others are not going to be in any shape to date for a good long time. I don't think I could fancy dating or shagging a new widower myself because if I date/shag someone I want it to be an enjoyable night out, not hours of hand-patting while he's weeping in his beer.

Jeez, at least wait until the poor woman is cold before you make a move on her husband.

Or are you worried he's going to give her jewellery to another vulture?

You need to wait a bit - he probably does have a sexual vibe for you, that's really common after bereavement but if you get with him now it likely won't last as it's too soon for society to deem it appropriate and that will always tinge any future you have together.

wait til he's shagged someone else then move in on him.

Give the guy and his children loads of space. I wouldn't even 'go there' for at least six months and then still expect to be used (not intentionally) as the stepping stone in his healing.

Hmm. Maybe you could take round some nice salmon, op?

Im taking the fish comments personally

It's like when kids gob on their food - that's mine cos I spat on it

iyswim

I could really eat sardines on toast now....

What's the fish thing ?